I have infinite hope that things are more than they seem, and this seems to be my undoing every time; still, I'll probably never stop because I also have hope that one day I'll be right. Everyone reminds me of someone that I've lost contact with. The right lilt of a voice, a way of teasing me, a phrase. I look through old photo albums, I reread those long notes that I've written far too many times. I'm chasing that feeling of being caught up, of you on my mind, the ideal that I was probably ignoring back then for even older memories. Everything comes apart for different reasons, and some people just fall away for no reason at all. The sad thing is, I'm just as guilty of doing it to them as they are of doing it to me.
And you, because half of these seem to end up being about you. I still remember the nights last summer when we would just cling to each other. I remember your words last fall when it was me you couldn't get out of your head, when you were losing sleep over me and I sat there feeling nothing at all. From what I hear, you're over that now. But anyways, how fucked up is it that by the end I could've pressed charges and I still sometimes miss it was the way in the beginning?
"No matter, no matter."
I'll continue to trust too much and not at all, I'll keep people close but not too close, at some point it will probably be painful. But really, what do we have without each other?
I don't know why I'm not able to write the way I used to. Snippets of lyrics come out, but the music isn't there, I can't finish anything, I can't focus. I worry that the problem is that I am too out of touch. I used to write lyrics or poems or whatever to explain what I couldn't otherwise. Now I don't even know if I have anything to express.
Maybe I spend too much time alone. Happiness seems to come with connection, late night conversations, sneaking to the city with an old friend, long drives at night with good music.
Half the time I don't even know what day it is, but I do have a prom dress.
Today I realized that I'm scared of becoming one of those wallflower adults who settles for constant unhappiness because the alternative is too risky. At the same time I realized that that's right what I'm on track for.
Yesterday marks the first day that I have ever been on stage with no nerves whatsoever. I'm absolutely awful at public speaking and my voice shakes when I have to stand in front of the class (odd because I have no problem being outspoken in class discussions), but dance is officially the one medium that I can control myself. Usually there's this one moment right before the music starts where this uncontrollable wave of nerves rolls over me and I try as hard as possible not to let anyone around me see. It really throws my focus and I never feel like I do half as well on stage as in the studio. But last night was good.
I just posted this on facebook, so here. Learn something.
1.How late did you stay up last night and why?
i fell asleep at like 11:30 and then either woke up at 2 or 1 (i'm not sure because of the whole time change thing), realized that i had fallen asleep talking while talking about falling asleep talking, and went back to bed.
2. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
did i really sleep until 12:45?
3. Is the person you have a crush on older or younger than you?
...younger. i'm not allowed at nursery school anymore.
4. What did you do last night?
5. Do you own anything that cost more than 1000 dollars?
6. Have you ever ran with scissors?
i'm an idiot so probably yes.
7. Have you ever talked to Tom?
yes...several of them in fact
8. Have you ever told someone of the opposite sex you loved them and meant it?
and meant it? no.
9. How is your day so far?
10. Do you want to go to college?
11. What were you doing this afternoon at 12pm?
sleeping. to be fair my body thought it was 11.
12. Whats your favorite season?
13. Last thing you ate/drank?
cherry coke. and my daddy got me a pizza because i was promised one and then forgotten about.
14. When was the last time you cried and the reasons?
i don't understand the question
15. Are you single?
hell yeah! you?
16. Name something you cannot wait for?
summerrrrrr for so so so many reasons. also college. and my 21st birthday.
17. What did you do for your last birthday?
went to express with brad. possibly hung out with bri and chelsea? i don't even know...17 is not a very interesting one. 18 however i may need to take the day off from school.
18. How many kids do you want to have?
how many ya got?
19. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
my friends and i respect our bodies, thank you very much.
20. How many red lights have you ran?
if it was yellow when i was approaching it i can't be responsible for what color it became as i went through it
21. Have you ever cried while taking a shower?
what kind of survey is this??
22. What was your favorite grade?
2nd was nice...we had ducks.
23. What were you doing at 12 am last night?
i think i was asleep...
24. Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?
you think i do rankings?
25. Have you ever, in any way, been betrayed by someone you trusted?
uh, duh. has anyone not?
26. When was the last time you were given roses? and from who?
last summer...i don't wanna talk about it
27. Plans for tomorrow?
school. work. collapse from exhaustion. text a little.
28. When did your last hug take place?
i...don't..know? god that's sad!
29. Do people ever make stupid mistakes when spelling or saying your name?
marry. merry. it's not fucking christmas.
30. Have you ever started a sentence with -No offense, but...?
oh hell yeah
31. Do you drink tea?
i pretend to.
32. When was the last time you saw a cop?
33. Did you ride in someone elses car today?
i drove my mom's car...does that do it for ya?
34. Have you made a mistake in the past week?
many! i'm kind of an idiot.
35. What song are you listening to right now?
36. Who was the last person to text you?
37. Do you miss someone?
yes, quite a lot
38. Is there anything you regret about your past?
anyone may be more accurate
39. Are you happy with your life?
only at wegman's
40. What was the last movie you watched?
forgetting sarah marshall. new favorite previously unnoticed line: "there is GOD between your thighs...but with a shorter beard."
41. Have you ever touched an elephant?
42. Who was the last person to call you?
my mom. to tell me she was at kohl's and to ask whether i wanted a green robe or a white one.
43. Do you sleep with the door open or closed?
closed, always closed
44. Do you sleep with the light on or off?
off, if i accidentally fall asleep with it on i wake up
45. What is your favorite hobby?
hobby...i'm not sure if i have one.
46. Do you own a pair of Nikes?
47. Do you have any pets?
yes. but she's very fat and lazy and sometimes i don't see her for days.
48. What were you doing at 11 a.m. this morning?
49. Is there a difference between the word best friend and good friend?
yeah. are you really that uncertain? it's pretty clear.
50. Has anybody on your top ever admitted to liking you?
top. like my shirt? i'm wearing a robe.
51. Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot?
with some effort
52. Are you afraid of clowns?
no, but i'm also not amused by them
53. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
seriously this is just flat out getting depressing.
54. Who is your celebrity crush?
ryan gosling. james franco. megan fox.
55. Do you know anybody who was abused?
56. Favorite fruit?
when with chelsea? bananas.
otherwise, cherries :)
57. Do you take walks often?
if i'm moody and it's fall.
58. Have you ever had a reoccurring nightmare?
yes. long story short i was brought to a factory and turned into an egg.
59. Is silence really golden?
yes. i enjoy silences much more than most people.
60. What did you do a week ago tonight?
61. Who is your favorite rapper?
62. Are you afraid to grow up?
63. Who are your Top 4?
be more specific.
64. What language are you taking?
spanish. 1st period with senora lee. just kill me, please
65. Any upcoming vacations?
in 6 weeks i get the week off from school...to work and visit colleges...vodka
66. Would you call yourself smart?
in school? yeah... in common sense? not remotely. like completely nada.
67. Do you like to read?
i actually do, don't give me a swirly please
Suddenly, two words I had barely considered before become part of my vocabulary. Malignant. Benign. What the fuck? I am used to these words being remote. Printed on a page, a story. An untreatable grandparent.
My imagination has always been out of control, I can't help it. I undress you of hair, I put you in a hospital bed and hook you up to an IV. I imagine telling you stories about school, I imagine news spreading and my name whispered, pitied, and dismissed.
My imagination puts you in a coffin and makes you a story I reference in the dark to someone else.
In a shower, there is a small space under the water. If you are a small person, you can wedge yourself under it so that the water runs down your back and you can contemplate your reflection in the faucet.
Exactly one year ago I sat on the floor of a friend's bedroom inhaling marijuana out of the homemade bong the boy we had snuck over had taught me to make. Twenty minutes away my favorite band belted out songs to an anonymous audience. The two little sisters we had charge of clamored at the door to figure out what we were doing, and I froze, doelike with a water bottle of vodka in one hand and a bag of pot in the other. Silently, I reflected on my values.
Now I sit, after a year of partying that escalated into a whirlwind, sex charged, blackout punctuated summer and I craft a letter in my head to the nice boy I, by some unknown luck, am dating. Tomorrow morning I will wedge it under a desk for him to find two periods later where, if I have done what I hope it will bring a smile to his face. Here is reality, here is the potential to feel and to want and to say secret or meaning weighted things without the pliancy of alcohol. I am learning to carry myself through days by banking on his presence, and it feels like relief, like the discovery of a limb I never knew existed but would now be devastated at its amputation.