Last night was crazy... second row, dead center in front of Jesse's mic. I could barely breathe, smashed closer to the strangers around me than I would dream of being to anyone I actually know in any other circumstance. Pictures? Hah. As if I could actually move. All the crowd-surgers managed to come directly over me... no matter that my head got kicked by countless feet, or that the joke of security could barely life anyone out of the crowd.
The fun part is standing in line beforehand, complaining that the LA sun is beating down, about how congested traffic was on the 101 or how the fans were way better at the Troubadour show that you practically sold your soul to attend. Seeing the same faces you saw three months earlier in the summer sun, sweating away their Saturday to see the man whose lyrics managed to make your worst days bearable.
Sneering at the Jeffree Star fans who've probably only heard a grand total of the two singles KROQ's been spinning in the past few months. Don't talk to me about this band if you don't know who the fuck Jesse Lacey is. Don't you dare try to push me out of my spot in the front if you showed up 1/2 hour before the opening band came on stage. Don't call me a bitch for trying to get back to my spot after a quick exit when you only came because you didn't want to be home on a Saturday night (all your door's locked up tight). Do you even know what I'm talking about? Better yet, if you asked what album "Oh, Comely" was on, do me and everyone else a favor and leave now. you're an embarrassment.
Maybe this is sounding too harsh. If so, I'll blame it on having too many bruises this morning, or on putting p with one too many emo kid who doesn't know who Sunny Day Real Estate is. Frankly, I'm not surprised Brand New doesn't do encores anymore... that Jesse barely spoke to the crowd and looked severely depressed for the show's duration. Los Angeles, you were a complete embarrassment last night. Stop singing the words so fast that Jesse is but a sad echo. San Diego, please redeem the little faith I have left.
And to the kid in plaid (real descriptive, I know) who tried to steal the setlist from me- FUCK you. I definitely didn't see you camped out in line hours before the doors open, so the fact that you think you're taking it from me is hilarious.
After all the craziness surrounding tickets, I managed one for each of the SoCal shows in Los Angels and San Diego. Of course, as I'm not back at school yet, this provided a small obstacle. No matter, it's Brand New, and it's worth it. Besides, I've always believed things happen for a reason, and I really don't think I would have been able to get a ticket, were I not supposed to go.
Problem one: the guy i was going with originally bought the tickets for SD.
Problem two: my friend JUST told me the condo she promised I could stay at is booked
Problem three: I didn't book a flight, because I was planning on driving the 8+ hrs with said ex.
At this point, I'm about ready to give up. I don't have the extra cash for this trip in the first place, not to mention the entire place to stay/ticket fiasco. Dear god... And then I realize it's Brand New, and to let these tickets go to waste would be blasphemy. For once, can things just work out?
It's weird to finally be 21. I guess at some point, I thought I'd have all my shit together by now, and I don't in the slightest. Today was incredible though. I love when you're so busy that you barely have time to stop and catch your breath. As much as I loathe waking up early, nothing compares to driving in the cool morning before the Arizona sun decides that 89 degrees by the afternoon in February is acceptable. I went and saw Audrye Sessions tonight at Plush- this tiny bar on 4th. I really enjoy these guys (for those of you who haven't heard, they're opening up for Manchester Orchestra on the upcoming tour, so check 'em out), and the show was great. I have to say though, I'm not a fan of going alone to small shows or bars, alone. I need to find a show buddy out here, stat. Ugh... I miss socal.
Seven missed calls, three voicemails and three texts later...
...And I decide to call you back. Writing and thinking and analyzing isn't getting me anywhere, so maybe I just need to talk to you and tell you that you hurt me, but I'm over it. Maybe I need to tell you that no, I don't hate you, but I don't really feel anything towards you.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
You finally answer, and I'm at a loss for words again. "Hello?" "Hi" "Do you hate me?" And all I can think is, "Are those really the first words out of your mouth right now?" But instead I say, "No, I don't hate you-" You cut me off before I can finish my statement. "I can't really talk right now. I'll call you back later, okay?" I'm saying "Bye" and knowing that I'm not picking up next time.
Hanging out with you reminded me of how much I miss her.
I'm sorry, Ashley. You're a great girl, and I had so much fun with you today.
But, I just had these flashbacks, and I realized that I'm still in love with her.
How am I even supposed to respond to that? I wanted us to be friends. I'm not ready to jump into a relationship, and he said he wasn't either. We have fun together and he makes me laugh- is that so difficult to understand? But when we stay up all night talking on the phone for five hours straight and he's leading me in that direction, what the hell? What am I supposed to think when you call me at 1am and tell me that? You're an asshole, and I'm giving up on guys. Don't drag me into your drama, when all I want is to have fun.
Remember when you asked me if I was okay? How I brushed my hair out of my eyes and said that I was fine? That I didn't want to talk about, but everything was going to work out, that I had faith in the universe. I lied.
Or maybe I really believed myself when I said it. I wanted to believe it so badly that I thought I could will it to be true. Well it's three weeks later, and the truth is that I'm not okay. You keep saying that I don't have to pretend, that I can be honest- it's all you want from me. Well, I'm honestly telling you right now, but it's not going to make any difference. I feel like my entire life has fallen apart. Everything I knew has disappeared, and I feel so helpless to do anything. I want things to be better, and I want you to make them better.
And then there's boy. God, what an idiot I've been. I hate myself for ever believing a word you said to me. I hate that I waited so long to hear you say that, and once you did, it was too late. The irony is that it could have worked; it wouldn't have been long-distance. You can believe that I'm over it now, because you no longer hold that power over me. When I really think about it, I never should have allowed you to. No one should allow another person to be responsible for their feelings and emotions. But as fucked up as the situation was, it's helped me realize something... I need to figure things out for myself before I add a guy to the situation.
I've never been one for a blog, when you boil it down- it's just a glorified diary. But then again, the term "journal" sounds somewhat less pathetic, doesn't it? And a "blog"? Now we're getting there. Tonight's been interesting, and I'm feeling like writing, so here we go.
Joking aside, I've been thinking a lot lately. If you hold low expectations about what's going to happen, you're never really disappointed, are you? On the other hand, is it really healthy/good to live without hoping for something? Most of the time, it seems that the hope or anticipation is so much better than what actually takes place. From that perspective, why wouldn't one just want to live in that place? Sometimes it's so much better to just pretend.
And then the shower water starts stinging you and you realize that living in an illusion isn't really living. Somewhere along the way, you got lost in trying to please everyone else.