They're going to be at a venuw near me and I want to go so badly. I only know a few songs by each but I really want to get into them and I feel like seeing them live would just be astounding. I don't think any of my friends would be too interested, so I'll have to try and convince someone to go with me. I got so excited when I found out but I had nobody to share the excitement with; so, I came to AP where I knew both of them got love.
I feel that I haven't written in a while so I began to think of things I could write about; The boy I like and the confusion it's causing me, the friends I'm suddenly losing, the friends I'm gaining, the play I'm in, school, what book I'm reading (American Gods just fyi) and so may other topics.
Then I realized two things.
1. I am so fucking selfish
2. I can not think of any song to listen to that fits this emotion
I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do about this.
We are turned toward each other. We are looking into each other's eyes. We are holding hands. We close our eyes. We take five steps back, onetwothreefourfive. We freeze. We walk towards each other. We pass each other, and you notice even with your eyes closed. I turn around and so do you. You move forward, I move back. I reach out a hand. I hit your chest. I find your arm. You take my hand in both of yours. You hear your name and open your eyes to look at me. I hear my name and open my eyes to look at you. We look at each other "as if there is something different with the other person". I look away, I look back. We are turned towards each other. We are looking into each other's eyes.
I posted this on my tumblr, but I wanted to share it here too. It's very long but it was the equivalent of a journal entry to me: something I can look back on to remember the exact moment:
I just finished listening to it for the first time and I had to write down (well, type) my thoughts about it somewhere immediately. I'm not sure an album has ever hit me this hard upon first listen. I'm gonna go track by track to really break it down.
1. Be Calm- So I really liked the intro and the beginning with Nate's vocals sounding really intimate. The building was great then I really loved when the 3 vocalist said the lines like "you left your band you left your mom" or something in that vein. It just kept getting better and I was pretty much dancing in my bed because I was loving it so much, a huge smile plastered on my face (for real...how odd is that?) They really did throw everything in on this one, huh? This is love.
2. Benson Hedges- Whoa, whoa, whoa, tat kicked right on in, non didn't it? I love the church choir vocals. There was some more of that awesome vocal intimacy. It sounded like the song I loved but nice and polished. I remembered just how much I LOVED the lyrics of this song...every line I'd come to love hit me again (especially "If the lord is gonna find me he better start looking today" and "I've come to find that I can't be defined") Then the bridge: I was worried because someone on AP said they didn't like how they chnaged it but I LOVED IT. It was like a combination of The Format's very original slow version and the fun. demo's fast version. The two meeting was great. Was there an outro? I feel like there was and I liked it.
3. All the Pretty Girls- This has been my newest love prior to the release and I got that great satisfaction feeling you get when there's a song you can't get enough of and you hear it again. This time, I really zoned in on the background vocals to see if they were the tongue-in-cheek ones they performed acoustically (they were). In my headphones, from my ipod, it sounded brighter than ever.
4. I Wanna Be the One- The second this started I got psyched. This was the second song (I think...) I heard from fun. back when it was BaBaBa. I still have memories of the spring attached to it. I really liked it, especially the clarity of Nate's singing. Often, on first listen I don;t catch all the lyrics I'd like if I don't have a booklet but that wasn't a huge problem here.It was at this point that it hit me: I don't think fun. sounds like The Format. Sure, the vocals are the same and they both had fantastic retro-pop sesibilities but this is bright and more grandiose (I didn't think it was possible). There was just something decidedly not-Format about it. I think it was the dark that surrounded Dog Problems, it wasn't there on Aim and Ignite. Dog Problems seemed like darker pastels (mossy and intense) fun. was pure punchy pastel color, a circus explosion, a broadway production. Dog Problems was the low, Aim and Ignite was the journey out.
5. At Least I'm Not as Sad (as I Used to Be)- Stupid itunes messed up the track listing and put this at the very end after the bonus tracks. I didn't realize it until the last track. I feel that I don;t have much else to say. I stated my feelings on this song back in the spring and they are still similar. This is probably the track I'll give a break for a while so I won't over play it and it will seem fresh when others start to seem old.
6. Light a Roman Candle With Me- I loved the atmosphere of this song but I was worried after the first verse. I knew it was short and I felt the lyrics were a little lacking. Then it got to a new part where they dropped a line about sparks as well as the title and it made the song. It was even better to her the second round of repetition after my fears had settled. I ended up really liking this song. At the beginning, it also occurred to me/ added to the worry that it was the first song I hadn't heard some version of before. I was pleasantly surprised.
7. Walking the Dog- Holy shit, I loved this. The explosion of energy, the change/breakdown, going back, the awesome lyrics about being more than skin and bone. Love, love, love but I need to listen again to absorb even more. MMmmmMMmm. A worthy track seven.
8. Barlights- I liked this. It seemed a little scattered with the chorus not really kicking in again until the end but I ended up liking it a lot. It gave me a strong visual picture, and for just a decent lyric the delivery and choir part made it fantastic. kudos for salvaging what I thought was going too far.
9. The Gambler- This is also a song I've voiced my opinions about. I liked how simple and clear the final version was after hearing a fairly poor audio quality liver version for so long. The lyrics really hit hard again (but what Nate lyrics don't?) I once again had that weird thought about how if Nate was my son I'd be astounded and proud. I always think of myself as wanting to have a daughter, but every so often I see or hear him and realize having a son like him would fill me with pride (this is getting weirder, isn't it?) This song just exemplifies those feelings. Also, it really got to me when Nate sang the line "I will not leave, I will not leave, 'till it's out time". His music, his voice, has been the one thing I could rely on for the past few years and it got me thorugh the hardest times of my life. The Format breaking up was devastating to me because this thing I'd grown to rely on was dissolving and I was worried about what would support me. I very clearly remember getting the first e-mail about fun. written by Nate where he said "I'm not going anywhere. Why should you?" It was exactly what I've always want/needed to heard from someone. Things in my life(like everyone else's) change, but I felt like there was nobody I could really count on to stick around (except for my mother) and then he went and said that. I clearly remember it and crying( I'm kind of a sap) and it really meant a lot to me. This song was kind of like that moment, minus the tears.
10. Take Your Time (Coming Home)- Oh my, this song. It started out unassumingly enough. Then it got to the breakdown and he said "fuck" and it was the moment I'd always waited for in "If Work Permits" and it shot through me. Then there was a art where he was talking about The Format and then him saying he;s done with "causing a scene" and I started to tear up and then I silently screamed all of the air out of my lungs until I saw stars, because that what I had to do for myself, it just felt right. Every question I'd had about The Format breaking up was answered. Love is coming home-take your time...It was a response to If Work Permits in the best sense. The talk about having someone to love made me feel happy for Nate, something I rarely feel for attached singers (I tend to prefer my songs bitter and scorned. see: Don Problems). As a person with a weak sense of home, I was slightly troubled by "love is coming home" from time to time, as a lyric. Now this gave me the ok to take my time and to "land when I land" as a wise man once said. The shredding fade out was great. The track was almost 8 minutes and it never felt too long. I left me feeling satisfied and happy and open and alive. I remember the first time I listened to Dog Problems and it floored me, but this reaction was even stringer. I already had the foundation of Dog Problems to grow from and this record just took me on the ride. I would find myself smiling all throughout the songs and tapping my fingers to the ebat and kicking my legs in joy when something awesome happened. I was physically reacting. I was mentally reacting. it resonated, and I can't wait to post this and then listen to it again (and again and again and again)
I am back home from camp and everything is very overwhelming. I could spend an entire day on this site alone catching up for what I missed over the course of the month I was gone. A new layout? Hitting over 2,000 views on my blog? Fun.'s album streaming? Seemingly endless news articles I missed? Jason Tate getting engaged?!? The internet was the scariest thing about being back home. I feel like I lost grip on reality because of all of the facebook updates and tumblr posts I haven't seen. But, when I really think about it, that is really far from reality. All of the things I missed? I don't need them... What I got was so much better. I made tons of friends. I took a real acting class where I finally learned something about acting. I felt emotions while I performed, I didn't just go through the motions. I gained a love for The Crucible and I finally fully understood a piece of Shakespeare. I camped in the woods for a few days and got to leave every little thing I didn't want at home. It was amazing and life changing as stupid and cliched as that sounds. So, I missed some things online...there will be plenty more to come. For now, I am just trying to adjust to the oddity that is coming home after becoming detached from it. I'm not a person with a particularly strong set of roots or sense of home. I have my family, but I don't die when I can't see them. I'm much more adaptable than I thought and it's great to finally realize that.
That being said, if there was any HUGE event in the AP world that I wouldn't know of, it'd be nice if someone could fill me in.
I bought Brand New's "Your Favorite Weapon". I bought David Sedaris' "When Your are Engulfed in Flames". I got Neil Gaiman's "American Gods" out from the library. I packed my bags and cleaned my room. I finally got a case for my ukulele and I charged my ipod for as long as possible. I painted my toenails and set my alarm for 6:15 in the morning.
I'm leaving for camp today, and I'll be gone for a month. I think I'm ready.
I worry that I will forget. I definitely do not want to be where I was but I don't want to be so far removed that I feel like it never happened. I've gone through a lot of shit, a lot of anxiety and depression that nobody knows the full extent of. My friends, they were transitory and I was left in the wake, wondering what came next. I've really come so far and I don't want to take that for granted. I just want a clear perspective; I want to enjoy what I have and not worry so much about the big picture but I don't want to be so absorbed in the now that I get caught up in the trivial mundane things that have no weight behind them. I don't want to be completely blissfully happy and ignorant nor do I want utter despair and depression but I sure as hell don't want to be numb, which sounds like the medium on the scale. I want just the right blend and I think I'm getting there. I'm getting there but I just can't forget where I've been.
It was amazing seeing almost all of the friends I've made in the last few years at the Harry Potter midnight premier last night. I didn't expect to know so many people and us all being in the same place to do the same thing was just awesome. It was one of those moments where we were all connected even if it was through something kind of dorky like a midnight movie premier. These are the moments I will remember when I look back. When things get low I've got this to think back to.
For part of my english summer assignment we had to write responses to editorials in the paper. I wrote one about gay rights and why Obama should do away with the "don't-ask-don't-tell" policy as soon as possible.
I didn't think to hard about it, I just sat down in my pajamas and wrote the response as it came, going back every so often to re-work a line. I finished, submitted it to the paper (because it counted as two of the three we had to write if it was published) and went on with my day.
That was Sunday. Yesterday I went on facebook and saw my friend had written a message on my wall mocking me for my "pretentious" response in the paper that boosted my "how white are you" points making me a "fricken hipster". These things were all said jokingly, and my friend then went on to congratulate me. I was surprised. I immediately ran to my garage to go through the recycling bin. Eventually, I found the paper and indeed my letter to the editor had been published.
Reading it back was really strange. It felt pretty awesome to have something published for the first time (even if it was just a response for my small town newspaper) but all of the flaws about it glared at me. My sentence structure was repetitious, and I felt like it was kind of confusing to read, even for myself. In the end, though, I was glad it was out there. It was very vocal about an issue I care a lot about, but don't act upon as often as I should. Those close to me know where I stand on the subject but people who aren't probably didn't. Now, there is no question. The lack of equality for the LGBT community drives me insane. People need to stop demeaning others just because they are different. People are just people.
I never really expected this to happen and it was a pleasant surprise. It made me feel better after a long day.
I actually like this All Time Low skin. It isn't too crazy and the majority of it is white so it doesn't hurt my eyes like that god awful Taking Back Sunday one. I'm going to try as hard as I can to get to the CD store today so I can pick up Nothing Personal. Today marks a year since a large turning point in my life, a day where I subsequently bought seven different CDs to try to cope with a problem I'd been fighting for a few years. Lydia was the band that got me through that horrible day until I bought the new music. Now, I would like to celebrate my increased happiness by buying this album that just celebrates summer. I always related pop-punk with high school in my mind but once I actually got to high school I stopped listening to it. This might just be that high school album, the one I look back on and remember. I'm excited.
I'm getting really restless spending all this time at home. I live in the heart of (semi-)suburbia so there's not much draw to go outside unless I wish to talk with my middle aged neighbors, so I spend much of my day indoors. This has led to me reading almost non-stop. I'm on my fourth book in six days. My eyes are starting to blur and my brain is going a little soft. This song seemed to capture my want to just drop it all and leave. This is usually a sentiment I relate with sadness and being overwhelmed by life but I'm just bored and a little restless. I want out of this small town to relax for a while. In three weeks I leave to go to Maine. I'm going to a camp for three weeks then a friend invited me to stay in Maine and go camping with her and her mother for a few days. This means that by the time I return I will have only a few days and then school will start. This is making me anxious because of my summer assignments ( I'm the one who signed up for AP classes so I shouldn't be complaining) but I'm glad I'll have something to do with the rest of my summer so I won't just sit at home, like right now, and wish I was doing something interesting.
The title says it all; I am about to listen to Pet Sounds for the very first time. I've owned the CD since Christmas and I've been waiting for the right time to finally break it out. I feel like I've put it off because I'm worried I won't get it, that ,when I listen to it, I'll miss the spark and I won't see what is so special. As a die-hard fan of The Format I knew that it was crazy for me to avoid this CD much longer with all of my talk about how much I love Dog Problems. So, here it goes.
Yesterday afternoon I started reading Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris. Holy shit, I have never read anything like this before. With almost every story I find myself convulsing with laughter. I'd heard his books were funny but I always assumed people were exaggerating when they made comments like, "Don't read this in public unless you want people to give you weird looks!" Previously, I had looked down upon these people. Seriously? Can you not hold your composure in a public place when reading something funny? Are you really embarrassed when a slight giggle (because, in my mind, there was no way this book was really bringing out hearty guffaws) escapes your mouth on the train?
Oh, how I was wrong. This book is as hilarious as they come and indeed it is making me laugh out loud. They were right; There is no way I'd want to be in public in the state I'm in while reading this book. Unlike when I laugh at a joke, my laughter when I read is horridly abrupt and loud. It's like someone punched in the gut and I laughed as a physical release. My whole body lurches forward and there is no sweet giggling sound, just a weird choked out laughter that continues for quite some time. There is nothing feminine about it, nothing sweet. But if thats the price I have to pay to read a book as good as this? So be it. I just won't be leaving the house for a little while.
So his girlfriend left and we got closer, closer, closer. We were friends and we kept dancing on the line of more-than friends. We never crossed it but we got mighty close. The play ended and we hugged and said our temporary goodbyes leaving things on a high note. Then the girlfriend came back and she saw some picture of us hanging out. She got suspicious and he "wanted to explain" it to her.
This just shook me up because
A: She was being really sweet and it felt like she was backhanding me when she talked about it to me.
B: She obviously had some sort of issue with it if she brought the conversation around to the topic with me
C: He felt the need to "explain" us hanging out. I think he realized we have/had something between us and we are both aware of it. She was discontented by the picture and he was nervous about it and had to explain.
I talked to a friend and she thinks that eventually they will break up and he might try to date me. I don't want to be sloppy seconds but I really like him. I feel like everything is in limbo and it really won't go anywhere until after Summer.
On the other hand the musical was fantastic. I had such a great time with everybody and it really made me remember why I like theater so much.
In a few weeks I leave to go to Maine for a month. I hate that I ahve to do all of my Summer assignments by them (why would they give so much work over the Summer? Why???) but I'm really glad I get to get away. Hopefully, it will clear my head.
I've been listening to "Far" a lot since it came out. It took a few listens to get into it but now I'm really loving it. My friend and I are going to try to see Regina in concert in September. I hope that works out, she seems like she'd be fantastic live.
Things have been interesting. During the days I'm busy and fairly happy but at night I've been having trouble turning my thoughts off. I've been losing hours of sleep the past couple days, which is hard to deal with when later in the day I'm dancing for almost 3 hours during play practice. I've been getting closer to one of my friends, and I'm starting to wish he was more that that. This isn't the first time, but this is definitely the closest we've been. I thought I'd gotten over him, that I was ok with being just friends. Now I'm not sure.This wouldn't be so difficult if he didn't have a girlfriend. I don't want to become "the other girl". His girlfriend is leaving for a few weeks soon, and I'm anxious to see if that changes anything. It's got my mind in knots.
I'm all over you, I'm not over you
This song seems to sum up my feelings, and it has a definite summer vibe to it.