Im really hyper and Im listening to Infected Mushroom Livve @ DNA Lounge and thats one 5hr motherfucking song damn it and it's good; I've been watching the iTunes visuilizer for a while it's so kwwl with this music on and i've been painting some other then that not much im rinking cold tea. mashed toy.
"Definition of Chavs: Picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). This lad is strutting around, *** in one hand jewellery al over the over, outside McDonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18 or the same age) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “Whats your problem? Wanna make sommin of it? Bling Bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad pisses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out.
Chavs are basically in-denial and don't know what they're doing, they have to fight in big groups, not alone. If your friend turns into a chav, shoot him/her before it's to late."
So, as for my day, I was at the dentist. They fixed my hole and took like 3000 photos. With a regular camera. =S
Anyway. My class was at a nuclear plant today. I missed it cos of dentist. Yay dentist! Yay me! yay my low nature-shit grade! Was a party last weekend. Was neat. Gonna be one next one. Gonna be awesome. This one..Well we'll see about that. We're gonna do something tomorrow. Don't know what. My friend is going to do something. People don't tell other people what it is.
I'm not going to rant about my friends beeing sad. I don't seem to care about anything else lately. So I can tell you about how I was worried about school. I filled in a college application and couldn't think of anywhere I wanted to go except this one place. To get in there I'll have to raise my grades slightly. So I worried about coming up with an alternative place to put beneath that first one for a while. Then I thought that I'll have to do some really hard work. Then I stopped worrying and started working. I've been reading about French history for seven hours today. At least. At home. Yay school. Meh.
I'm worrying a little at the moment, just in general, y'know.
[edit:] oh i think i just grasped what you meant...somehow.....
[edit2:] read it again and realized i still dont understand what upset you...and that you're not reading this.
There's a lot of things going on in my mind at the moment.
I'm happy, in general. I like to be alive. Ever since that time I promised to be a hippie in mind and action, at least, I've been happy.
Right now, I have a headache. And a stomachache. And feeling dissy and tired. Right now, there's only one thing to make me sad. That one thing is, that right now, my bff is depressed. She's been for a while. A long one. Different reasons maybe, but she has. At first, until a couple of months ago, I wasn't sure it was for real. My friend in school was always like, "She's just faking it for the attention." and for a while, I believed that. That she was a 'fake anorectic', a 'fake cutter', a fake. I wouldn't completely believe it, but still, I did. I changed my mind though, as my relationship to her grew stronger. Now I know, and it torments me. Another friend, is equally sad. And I can't solve it. I try but I can't. I'm totally helpless and I worry about them, and I feel that everything is just unfair, why should I be blessed with this at least partial bliss, and they cursed with an earthly hell?
That's the reason I sometimes burn and cut. Not my unhappy love, which, after all, isn't really that unhappy, and not that loveish either. Not the fact that my mom treats me like shit every time my dad looks away, after all, she does care about me, i know that. It's not the fact that ever since third grade 'till 7th or 8th, I never had any friends. It's just because I can't stand the fact that my very closest friends have real problems with which they have to fight, problems that i feel could be solved just by adopting a perspective not unlike mine.
My music interest might be a small part of this happy attitude. I can listen to mostly anything, and I do. Reggae, Ska, Ska-Punk, Trance, Psychedelic, it makes me happy inside. There's music that makes me sad too. It seems that people in general seem to prefer the latter; the saddening music. Or at least, the music that in some way triggers emotions that could be associated with sadness. I like both. I like Metal too, it makes me active yet still calm. I like Goth, it's beautiful, and not overly sad or happy. I like Industrial, Kei, Electronica, Punk, Pop, Rock. It all triggers different emotions for me.
From time to time, I feel really distanced from this world. After consulting friends, I think I'm going to go to a shrink. Like, once, at least. But I don't feel like telling my parents. I have found a few ways to get out of it; when I'm feeling like that, like this just isn't real, like it's just some game/vision/hallucination/dream. The first is listening to music that I know all too well, music that I've listened to before any of the current drama in my life had at all happened. In Flames. They soothe me. Bullet in a Bible can work, but it's a little too sad for those times.
I'm really scared about life when I'm like that. I say things I'd never say otherwise. I say anything that comes to my mind. At first, it feels like I've released a big load of my mind. Then, after a while, I slowly start to realize I'm not my self any more. I've had schizophrenic problems before. Or, not schizophrenic, really. I'll explain.
When I was younger, I had some real problems with nightmares, and simple thoughts sliding away into something that would be best described as a form of bad acid trip, although not nearly as intense. Then, on the other hand, I've never experienced a LSD trip, and hence I don't know how an OD feels. But what I felt seems a lot like the detailed descriptions I've heard later. Vermin crawling in my mind, colors changing rapidly. (This was all only when I closed my eyes and visualized my thoughts, of course)First, i thought this was just normal. But later, I realized that I simply had to solve it. In my mind, I made up three Fairies, living in my mind. Whenever something like that happened, I asked them to fix it, and they did. It actually worked.
Some year ago, though, I understood that this was a problem. I had stopped believing in the fairies quite a good time before that, but I was afraid that if i stopped thinking about them, the nightmares of my past would return. But then, that one time, some months ago, maybe five or six, I simply denied their existence. At first, my mind played some foul tricks on me. But it all disappeared. Now, that exact problem is gone. But still, some times, when I've not eaten enough, or slept enough, I fall somewhat out of reality. And I'm scared I'll do something stupid.
Well, I have done stupid things, in, for an example, speaking my mind exactly to the point. That's not always a good thing, I tell you. Other things include not beeing able to think clearly, to focus on one subject, to read a text without my mind wandering away. And, if I've slept or eaten to little, closed eye visuals. Those are quite cool. They're not very intense, but they're there. Simple pictures, some moving. It dances along with my music. I like exploring my mind. At the same time that I'm exited about this, it honestly scares the living shit out of me. I have to see a psychologist.
Oh my God, are we ever in Hicksville?
[Edit:] I just thought of another thing. I said I get closed eye visuals when I haven't slept/eaten much. Well, even when I've both eaten and slept well, I still see patterns, and sometimes pictures, mainly eyes and cat's heads when I close my eyes. So; I want to ask you, when you close your eyes, is it all black, or do you see patterns?
I'm going to see it through real soon Fear my sight for in hind it shall prevail Now, all I see is to say hooray to cheer To spin that disc, the frisbee Throw it To love once again And to lose To gain perspective. In the morning, the elves dance wildly under the roofs of days gone by, But fear not nay i say fear them not for they can't see. I have the gift of voyage through sight, I can see the pixies going round round round, The flying gnomes, the midgets of space, And I drink to salute them. My memory is a short lived tale but My eyes can grasp whats long gone and Lo, see they not your mind your thought. Your. Very. Soul. It's too dark. I can't see. It hides well. Im thermal but you heart is cold Im infra red. But the one thing I can not see is your love of me. It's there I feel it I sense it I long for it I know it YOU DONT I hate you See that odd thing,up in the air,upthere I see it. My eyes have the gift of true seeing. Are we there yet? Oh my god. Why did you place this burden upon me? Why, is this your punishment? Jesus died for our blasphemous lives. Shall my eyes always see true, For the eye you lost? Is it but an aphrodisiac, life? But then for whom? Odin? Not even you can see. But thats true. Life never gave you that gift, the gift of immortal thought. Why don't you see what I can see you are a goddess! You are a god you are God! Is Lucifer the only one? Or will he betray me, like you betrayed love? I say so. Matsya? Kurma? Varaha?
Kaliki?Do you hear do you heed my plea Why dont you hear me
So many eyes
Yet you cant see;
Blood flows upon thy soil.
Earthbound glory shattered like glass,
Glass Bowls Incarnated As Life,
In which we are all encased.
Have you all lived behind closed eyelids?
Perception perception perception perception!
Open your eyes my love open your eyes!
And if we dare you dare i dare they dare, some dare that is! !f we do,
I will lead you into the light!
Revelation, reveal to me, reveal the banner of the magic dragon.
Blazing with stars the world is the truth.
I wish I was in the pitch.
My heart infected,
Your heart thrown against me and I have a choice;
I can pick it up and run to the hillz,
Or I can hit it.
Hit it the hardest I can.
Break it like only I can.
Illuminate my machine,
Wash your tears away,
My washing machine,
It might burn.
The acid cleans your clothes your face your hair you will be clean.
But will it clean you on the inside,
Or will it burn you up like never before?
Ingest it. Eat the whole thing.
Infest. Detest. Coagulate.
Ess? Ess? Where Are You?
Convert me to what I AM
Regret what i am
Protect it protect me. Live, I want to live a life without hate!
Gray spots in the canvas,
Gray spots upon gray.
A drop of blue.
And another one.
Yet, one more.
They keep falling Must. Evade. Healing.
Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit.
I miss your smile as you pass by just close enough to slip a note
And it said
And it said
But it wasn't finished.
I gave up hope on loving you,
You loving me,
Us loving together.
But it wasn't finished.
A week later, I'd have no chance to repent.
Down the road, not across the street.
You were to afraid to cross, to meet me at my house.
You went down the road.
I didn't see you go. But since that day I never went across the street again.
So. I've been reading about zombies. And then I read Greenland's journal. So I feel I have to write about them. Zombies that is, not Greenland's entries, however dead dull they may be. (Jooooooooking)
So, how large is the possibility of a zombie breakout? Well, how large is the possibility of someone crashing two planes into the world trade center?
(Oh. My. God. I'm writing this like 45mins after the above. My dad's been talking to me about security settings in the network and so on, and he's been looking in configuration files and shit. Fucking hell that was the longest bloody 45 minutes (if even that) of my life... So. Damn. Bored.)
Anyway; if life has teached us something, it's that the least probable/most shitty things happen. So the chances could very well be considered sky-high. Now, for the protection and survival:
If I'd find myself uninfected (Chances of finding myself infected beeing near to nil...-.-) I'd quickly gather some supplies in a backpack and call my friends. If possible, I'd get as fast as possible to one of my friends, who lives in a biig house, three stories, plus underground garage and attic. And it's on a hill. There's food and rifles there, we could easily survive a god while, even with her family + some more friends living there. The house is on the top of the hill, basically, and has a good view. Getting there could be a problem, but with an assortment of practice-swords and molotovs (Which I own and are able to use with quite some accuracy) I wouldn't have to large troubles getting there, possibly on a tram if the breakout hadn't totaly crippled society yet, or through careful maneuvering through the city on my bike.
Failing this, I'd try to find at least one or two of my friends and bunk up somewhere, though staying at home in my apartment seems foolish, as there's no stockpile of recourses what so ever, and we'd be totally left out to zombies or starvation. Anyway. That was just out of my mind. How about yooooh? What would you do? :P
So. As for life in general. I'm listening to DCFC, chatting, in the darkness of my living room. We're trying to solve some boi trouble for my friend. This guy seems to have blocked me again. Bitch. And I'm eating dadoes. I think their called that anyway. Hen my family falls deep enough into sleep, I'm going to make some noodles, maybe a cup o Turkish coffee. My laptop went all static on me before, it really hurt. But now it's fine again, the fans sound like an airplane. My life feels turned upside down. hat girl, I''ll tell you the name to make it easier for me to write about, Emma, yeah, she seems to be off somewhere. Hasn't answered my mail. And I was too much of a coward to call her. I'm going to my granma's and granpa's tomorrow. Thaaaaat'll be a blaze. Think I'll bring laptop to train though, although I'm not sure. But who steals a computer of a kid on a train... Especially if the kid has a big stick. There'll be cake and cupcakes and shit when I get there. I'm right now sitting on the balcony, it's past midnight, and I'm kinda cold. In all the other rooms I'll wake someone up. I'm pondering the ability to go get a trench coat without waking up my mom. I'm scared of the computer getting too cold (even though I'm quite sure it can't) so I'm running my iSight just to increse the temperature. 7°C atm. Hey seems the network doesn't work on the balcony, changed to the kitchen, beeing rlyrly silent.
Well. Just got done with christmasshoping. Almost anyway.
Read a couple of journals here. They all had P!ATD and MCR in them. I mean, i like those bands, but they frequent far too many journals for my taste. So no P!ATD if you stay with me. Also, I'll use punctuation marks and capital letters.
It's all cold and rainy outside. I'm feeling quite happy about life really, which feels odd. Christmass never did this for me before. But I have some friends to buy gifts for now, that might have something to do with it. I listened to Us And Them - Symphonic Pink Floyd as I bought my last presents, and it just fit so well in with everything. I got me a couple of socks too, I love socks.
We just sent away our christmass cards for the year; massproduced as always, names quickly written on the front and then put in envelopes. People like to hold on to traditions it seems. The old list just gets longer, with cards going to Germany, Ireland, Thailand and so forth. It's not that people can read what the cards say, it's merly a guesture of sorts. Some people also got presents - mostly books. The House of Guerlain doesn't ship anything these days it seems, we ended up getting Eau Sauvage for my dad. He always gets parfume, due to lack of inspiration from me and my mom. We usualy do most of the christmass shoping.
School ends on wednesday, can't wait actualy. Not that we do any work now, its more beeing idle for 6 hours a day that gets on my nerves. I don't remember anything from the begining of the term, no surprise in that. Or well, no schoolwork at least. My personal life has had it's ups and downs lately, i remember those. Had some major depressions. At the moment I'm just feeling neutral. I worry a lot about the future, but well, it can't be too bad after all noh?
Ah well, im having an early supper now. English Breakfast it seems. And my dad just roasted some beans so there'll be some freshly ground coffee after that. Can't wait.
[Oh and yes if you stayed with me this far thank you, and please, those of you with negative remarks mail them to firstname.lastname@example.org because thats not my mail. Thx]