| | |
|Some thing horrible happened today. I got home from school (I just changed from Japanese to German - 6 known languages at leaving school, yay for me *cheer*) and coloured my hair. It is now five hundred nuances from black to white but most of it is really light beige. Its cool. So I had to listen to Sex Pistols now, just for the sake of it being Sex Pistols. Any way. We had couscous and salad and some cheese. Burnt the pasta and tortellini. But it was okay. We talked a bit. And here's the shit, it surfaces that she actually knows some Arabic! And I thought I was a nothing with not knowing Persian language. Now this. I don't know what to do. My whole purpose in life seems. I just don't know. On a side note I've started translating books, and I'm on my first book read this week, going for seven like last week. Have to start writing a biography soon so I can get my literary career started, but I need some one to write about. Suppose I could take Churchill or Blair or Thatcher or George VI or Ghandi or. Some one else. I am simply too lazy to get to it. Well. For the book any way. I'm writing a report on it in English class. So i'll totally post it. So you can marvel. Hah. I think I shall start with.......|
|ditched her old look in a glamorous photoshoot.
|Last Wednesday (yes, I am aware that last Wednesday was also yesterday) I met up with the girl I like. I say like, because I want to like her, but I'm actually not sure if I do, and that doubt in it self should tell you some thing, about how I'm feeling. We decided to meet at half past 1, after deciding to wake up two hours earlier. Suffice to say we both overslept an hour and in the end it took till 2:30 before we met. We'd been waiting for each other at the same tram stop for 20 minutes. I had been waiting a good 20 minutes more before that. Good start, and it was bloody freezing to that.|
We started off by walking without a goal. Even better start wouldn't you say. We walked and walked and walked. Talked. Stopped after a couple of minutes only as she had to buy batteries. We circled back to the same place, bought some light bulbs she needed, kept walking. Through the harbour, after some kilometres we got quite fed up with walking. Went into a café. Was crowded like a boy band concert. We got a cup of tea each, she didn't want any thing to eat, but in the end she decided on a sandwich, and we went to sit outside, which was quite amusing to bypassing German tourists, as it was under 0°C. But we endured. She said she didn't find it very cold and neither did I. We sat there a while, over an hour at least, when we started to get cold, and we left. Started walking again. Walked and walked and walked. Talked. And walked. And walked. We walked for five hours in total that day. My legs hurt a little. I didn't make a move. I never got a moment. We didn't come up with any thing to do. Around seven we decided to both go home; I waited with her for her tram, and both our trams came at the same time, so we parted.
I didn't make a move. Afterwards, when I got home, I talked to her a bit. I was persuaded into lying to her, telling her it was the best time I ever had doing nothing with some one. Took 46 hours before I told my first lie this year. That's nice. Damn me for that but I suppose the time had to come. I didn't even think about it for a long while, and then it struck me, and there wasn't really much more to it. I didn't make a move. And afterwards, I started seriously thinking that maybe I don't like her that much. Maybe I did but I no longer do. Maybe I've just really wanted to. I don't know. Time will tell, I hope at least. I'm seeing her next Tuesday, when school starts. Might be a little uncomfortable. I'm not very sure she likes me any more. And not very sure how much I care.
I'm having my hair cut before the end of the break. I'm thinking quite short. A tremendous change for me. I haven't had my hair very short for many many years. I'll see how I'll colour it. Maybe brown. Maybe dark red. Maybe black. Maybe some thing very different. Like brownish-dark red.
I keep forgetting things I think about before I go to sleep. I always think to my self, "Hey, I could write this down ... nah, I'll remember it in the morning for sure," and then I don't. I'll start writing all that stuff down. Again. I used to. But it got bothering and interfered with falling asleep. I really remember thinking and realising some thing big yesterday, and just forgetting about it is horrible. I can't even remember what it was about, not entirely at least. Its such a damned loss. At least I think it is.
Horribly boring entry, aye. Well its a real entry at least. So. Well don't get used to it.
|I ask myself why I'm not doing one of the many productive things I have to and want to do... But no... I'm sitting here bored... |
What is your name?
Are you named after anyone?
What's your screename?
Don't use silly aim...
Would you name a child of yours after you?
I find those families ludicrous..
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?
Idk... Something weird I suppose.
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?
All the guys I know have horrible names...
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?
Alex.. Always with the damned Alex.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?
Nah. I'm changing it to my great grand-mother's. Its too awesome.
Your gender: male
If not, do you want to be?
Birthdate: July 8th
Your age: 16
Age you act: totally depends.
Age you wish you were: 4
Your height: 5'7"
Eye color: Greenish-brown
Happy with it? I suppose. I'd like green eyes..
Hair color: Coloured black.
Happy with it? Yesh.
Have any pets?
A cat over Christmas, but no..
Whats your job?
King of the Universe
Noo. Might get on wrist or shit..
Too many.. far too many..
Do you speak another language?
Swedish, some French, Dutch and German, learning Persian, not going to take Japanese next year..
Have a favorite quote?
It changes.. Oooh but, "Don't destroy our planet. Its where I keep all my stuff."
Do you have a webpage?
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?
No I live in a time paradox.
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?
Not really. Humans are fools. Fooooools.
Do you have any secrets?
Depends. To whom?
Do you hate yourself?
A healthy amount.
Do you like your handwriting?
I love it, unlike my teachers.
Do you have any bad habits?
Yess. Like being too lazy to write them.
What is the compliment you get from most people?
Err.. I suppose.. It has to be about my socks..
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?
The Path To Glory: The Story Of Our Eternal Guide And Lord, King Axel The Righteous.
What's your biggest fear?
Partial memory loss.
Can you sing?
Better than a wolf on skates.
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?
Batman used to pretend he was me to look cool.
Are you a loner?
I suppose. Unless circumstances are the right.
What are your #1 priorities in life?
Priorities are for sissies.
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Yeah.. I suppose I would..
Are you a daredevil?
That so depends on the situation..
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?
Err.. Yeah I suppose there are.. Like, some..
Are you passive or agressive?
Do you have a journal?
Yesh this one.
What is your greatest strength and weakness?
I am the ruler of the universe... But my pants are made of jam.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd like to be able to do magic.. Bar that.. Sure, I have loads of zits..
Do you think you are emotionally strong?
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?
Do you think life has been good so far?
By common definition; no. But I think it was nice.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?
A lot.. A damned lot to choose from.. Idk.
What do you like the most about your body?
The area right behind my ears. Where they're connected to the head.
In front of ears?
Do you think you are good looking?
Are you confident?
Sometimes I suppose.
What is the fictional character you are most like?
I couldn't possibly tell.. I'd love to be like Luna Lovegood..
Are you perceived wrongly?
I look all emo so yeah I suppose.
Not any more.
Read the newspaper?
Seldom. When I'm in such a mood.
Go to church?
Hah no. Been there a couple of times.
Talk to strangers who IM you?
Until they turn out to be idiots.
Sleep with stuffed animals?
I have two in my bed yes.
Take walks in the rain?
Talk to people even though you hate them?
If I have to.
Like to drive fast?
Haven't thought about it.
Would, or Have You Ever:
Liked your voice?
I did. For a little while.
Been out of the country?
Eaten something that made other people sick?
Been in love?
Gone skinny dipping?
Err.. Yes. In ice cold water in Finland.
Had a medical emergency?
Ran away from home?
Played strip poker?
Why I never... !!
Gotten beaten up?
Beaten someone up?
Hurt people yes.
Been picked on?
I'd call it bullied but yeah.
Been on stage?
Thought about suicide?
Pulled an all nighter?
Yes. If.. It means what I think?
If yes, what is your record?
I've been up for.. roughly 56h. If that's what you mean.
Gone one day without food?
Talked on the phone all night?
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?
With a friend some years ago.
Slept all day?
Made out with a stranger?
Had sex with a stranger?
I dare say!
Thought you're going crazy?
I was right, too, you know.
Kissed the same sex?
Not on the lips, mind you.
Done anything sexual with the same sex?
yeah I suppose so.
Had a dream that came true?
Yes I think so..
Broken the law?
Met a famous person?
Hah famous.. but yeah..
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?
Insects as a child..
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?
I don't break swears.
I was a skilled shoplifter a year ago.
Been on radio/tv?
Been in a mosh-pit?
Yeah.. Saving a friend who had a rib broken..
Had a nervous breakdown?
To various degrees.
Had a dream that kept coming back?
Belive in life on other planets?
The fact that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west would be a mystery, if it were not a daily occurrence.
Natal and horary.
Yeh. But depends on definition..
Depends on my mood.
Love at first sight?
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?[interesting definition]
In a way.
Define. And somewhat.
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?
Yes. And clouds are made of brick. And socks are ravens.
Do you wish on stars?
Deep Theological Questions:
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?
Do you think God has a gender?
The great Cthulhu does not confine to such mundane definition.
Do you believe in organized religion?
If any then yes. And no.
Where do you think we go when we die?
A nice family on a farm that takes care of.. Nah a hole in the ground.
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?
Who is your best friend?
Who's the one person that knows most about you?
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?
Your favourite inside joke?
Always for the buske.
Thing you're picked on most about?
Why is this on friends..? Anyway, I'm not picked on these days... really.
Who's your longest known friend?
Err... That'd be.. No not Tara.. Frida and Sahar.
Haha what a silly word.
Friends you miss being close to the most?
Last person you talked to online?
Who do you talk to most online?
Who are you on the phone with most?
Who do you trust most?
Who listens to your problems?
Who do you fight most with?
Who's the nicest?
Who's the most outgoing?
Who's the best singer?
I.. Don't.. Know..
Who's on your shit-list?
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?
What a bold question indeed!
Who's your second family?
More of the Tara I suppose.
Do you always feel understood?
Who's the loudest friend?
Do you trust others easily?
Who's house were you last at?
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:
Yeah I.. Don't know.
Do your friends know you?
Friend that lives farthest away:
Love and All That:
Do you consider love a mistake?
What do you find romantic?
Burning people on the stake.
In Soviet Russia, stakes burn on YOU!!
A lot of stuff.
If someone you had no interest in had an interest in you, how would you feel?
A little freaked out if I knew the person.
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them?
Yes. And no. And yes.
Have you ever wished it was more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out?
Hum not really no. When I was a commie maybe.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive?
I suppose so.
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?
What is best about the opposite sex?
Smell and eyes.
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?
I quote: Small dicks.
What's the last present someone gave you?
My mother gave me a pen this afternoon.
Are you in love?
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?
You wanted to kill?
Shouldn't mention on the net.
That you laughed at?
That laughed at you?
That turned you on?
Again, what a bold question! You naughty internet!
You went shopping with?
That broke your heart?
To disappoint you?
To ask you out?
This girl in 8th grade.
To make you cry?
To brighten up your day?
That you thought about?
You saw a movie with?
You talked to on the phone?
You talked to through IM/ICQ?
Renate, damn, I've answered this already!
My father just walked in.
Right This Moment:
Are you going out?
Will it be with your significant other?
Or some random person?
What are you wearing right now?
Buckle pants, red t-shirt, hello kitty socks.
Body part you're touching right now:
I'm touching my bum with my elbow!
What are you worried about right now?
What book are you reading?
Persuasion, this one about body language, The Edda, The Koran.
What's on your mousepad?
Its The Annotated Alice.. A book. About Alice. Its annotated.
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:
Bored. Worried. Need to pee.
Are you bored? Yes.
Are you tired? Not really.
Are you talking to anyone online? No.
Are you talking to anyone on the phone? No.
Are you lonely or content? Lonely.
Are you listening to music? The Killers.
|Plans formed this year.
|If indeed meritocracy is the enemy, and we wish to fight it, should we then not let other force us into doing things? But what would they force us to do, bar fighting for our own rights? As oppression goes, the meritocracy really is the ultimate control state. No matter what we do, we live up to the ideals of this sociological theory. Except of course if we break the law. |
I think I have decided now. I want to study Arabic & Middle East Studies for an Honours, with one year English and one year Philosophy. I can become an English teacher abroad (any where outside the British Isles that is), I can get jobs at various companies, I could even teach History, or indeed Arabic. But mainly, I could go live in the Middle East. I have this wonderful fantasy of simply living somewhere where the rest of the world doesn't matter, and even with all the recent interest in the Middle East, that really is the place. They couldn't find Osama bin Laden, could they? Well they won't find me either.
I suppose I'll be living in Britain though. Simply because of the simple fact that dreams so seldom work out as you hope. I suppose, learning more Persian grammar would be in order.
[This is where I would have written something like "good bye" in Persian, were I thirty years old and feeling like bragging. I am neither.]
And the next year. Is the year. When we slowly understand why the last year was so important to us. If the last year was built around feeling, this one will be built around analysing; the reason of mind replacing the true instinct of heart.
|Anniversary I suppose.
|This. Well. Its my anniversary. So this is my year. You won't understand it I suppose. But. Yeah. 17 000 views in a year. Makes for 46 views a day. So maybe someone is interested after all. [Its also horribly written.]|
It was supposed to be the best year of our lives. Sure, at first it felt like nothing had changed. But oh, how little did we not know of what was to be. It was the year. After roughly half of it, I turned 16. Neither that felt like such a big change at first. But again, it was. Sure, you've heard before that the year you turn 16 is supposed to be an important year to you. But of course, I thought that was silly. And of course, I was wrong. It really was the best year. It probably will remain the best year.
There was Fia, Ivo, CJ, Melmer, Lou, Maylin, Emma, Hannes, Kirby. And Malin, and Jenny, and even Sanna played a part. Crucial were of course EmoBjörn, Younes and, even to-day, that lovely Monsieur la Grenouille, Louie. Morningstar in a seventh floor window. A circle with Lou's brother in the centre. Maylin almost crying in the sofas of her school—Tara and others at FOB. They killed Saddam. Lou on her bathroom floor with blood on her hands. "Det blir nog ingen yoga idag." Drinking beer in her bathroom. Drinking spirits in her kitchen. The end of 9th grade. The drugs. The cutting. The drinking. The crying. And the laughter.
The words. I remember particularly:
Over Msn then:
HAHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA HAHAAHHAHAHAHA &c"
And there. It ends. I was reading through my conversations. I haven't in so long. Just to remember the exact phrasings of stuff that's been said. Well I regret it. There was so much in there that I didn't want to remember. Something I now remember, because I am experiencing it again, is the heavy shivers I would get, when shit happened. When I felt like my life was doomed. I read through one of the logs so quickly, it didn't hit me until I stopped reading for a while. These memories. They are horrible. They are a part of life.
For the full deja vu experience, I'm listening to Placebo. My head feels like its imploding slowly. I read some more. Last read was from my conversation with Lou, this time I read from Tara. Indeed, it was supposed to be the best year of our lives. I can't think of a better one. But I can't think of a worse year either. So many horrible memories. They crowd my mind. So powerful. The good ones are getting crushed. A chance to think again. I suppose. Well thinking again, I feel almost suicidal.
This year, I got to know Renate. She is awesomely nice. Were it not for the Maddens' father leaving them, I wouldn't have ever talked to her [Good Charlotte-Tara-Alternative-Me-This site, basically]. That man changed a lot. But that was twelve years ago. This year... I went to see AFI. You can really say anything about them but. I somewhat love them. In a way. I was supposed to see FOB and MCR but that didn't work out, so to speak.
A small festival in here in town. I had a ticket, but my mother said we had to go to England on that particular date. That trip didn't work out at all. Again, so to speak. I got a kitten for my birthday, though it doesn't work any more. I also got a deodorant and other awesomeness Hello Kitty-things. Last Christmas, I got this computer. It doesn't really feel all that special any more. Of course. Because I've had it for a while. Its quite odd really. it was so awesome, so special, when it was new.
Damn. That. MCR. We sat in a church. And. Tara lied to her mother. She said she was at Lou's. She wasn't, of course, and neither was Lou. She was at MCR. Damn. I really think. Great way to start a year. She lied to her mother for the first time this year; I was to lie to my parents many times later. But I stopped. Then I stopped. I. Can't say anything more about it than that I stopped. I stopped drinking alcohol, I stopped being a stupid kid the very same year I began. Midsummer. That is all I have to say. God damn. The worst thing. About this whole year. Was looking at Tara do drugs. Because I knew she didn't want to. Okay, the truth is, the worst thing was remembering looking at her. And not doing any thing at all. I am so very ashamed.
Really. It was the first time I ever got drunk. This very year. Our late new years. And then the rest. So horrible, in hindsight. And my parents didn't know. I feel bad about that still. After midsummer. I didn't learn anything. It took a month I think, maybe not that long. During that period I'd drink on and off. When I wasn't talking to Tara. It was. So horrible. I decided. It was bad. But I didn't decide to quit. I did that... a couple of months ago. After my school-party-thing. I went there, decided not to get very drunk, I got quite drunk. Of course, my parents knew. I told them beforehand that I was going to drink. I had already decided never to lie to them again. I didn't. And I still felt bad about it. After a while. I decided. I ought to stop. So. I don't drink.
What really made me. Hate. My new class. This year. Was when I was walking with some of the girls. And they talked about how much they used to drink and party. And then brag about how much their parents trusted them, and how much they lied to them. Its disgusting; its fucking disgusting, and I won't excuse my language. How can they keep on doing that. Not to mention they were all into trying drugs. Suffice to say, I made sure I didn't have to be their friend much longer.
Other friendships I've broken this year: all of them. But I suppose I somehow, a little bit, repaired some of them. A little bit. Not all of them, surely. I don't talk to one of my previous best friends, Melmer, for an example. Then, he was a guy. Guys can only get friends to a certain degree. I rather believe.
I have learnt so much this year. I started out as a stupid kid, and here I am. A stupid kid. But a little wiser. I'd even like to say, wiser than most of my fellow kids. I don't drink any more, same goes for drugs of all kinds. My entire class drinks except for a girl whom I also have a crush on, and many if not most do drugs.
This summer I started thinking about the world a damned lot. It ended up with me realizing how hopeless humanity is when faced with it self for an opponent. And my friend. Tara. Helped me realize. How very wrong everyone were. We discussed the matter. And hated the world. For a bit. I think its meritocracy that's the villain. Right now, I do. Meritocracy: the survival of those who are able. I suppose. It leads us to believe we can always become greater, always able to get a nicer car, a better house. If we don't, we our selves have failed. No one to blame. It goes well with democracy. And I hate them both, to be honest.
I'm feeling some pressure here, to complete the entry. And my computer is acting up. Ah well. What more. Has this year meant to me. I have stalled on this final point, I know. The last and most important thing. I am not even sure what it is, or how to phrase it. I have realized so much about having friends. That I never knew before. I said most important. Maybe it is the second most important point, the world being the first. Back to the second/first point, any way. I have realized so much. I have realized that you can't help people all the time—not when they don't want your help. I've tried, and I've failed.
I have realized that breaking someone's trust in you is a million times easier than building that very same trust up. And rebuilding it is another million times harder. I have indeed realized that sometimes you have to. I don't know. Break something of lesser importance to fix something of greater. But I have never been able to do that. I have learnt so much more than this. But I can't come up with it right now. Then, I do have 20 more hours Swedish time to write anniversary entries. A lot more coherent anniversary entries.
A merry one year anniversary. Tara. Merry merry merry merry merry.....
|Airplanes on the horizon.
|This is a life I'm playing with.|
Its so many lives.
Everything around me feels so big.
Alas, the streets have never felt narrower.
Its like they are filled up with something.
Like they, and everything, gives me constant clues.
Clues to what I'm missing.
I don't know what it is.
Maybe its my soul, hiding behind every car.
Taking up all the place.
Narrowing down the streets in some way.
The world has never felt smaller, yet never so large.
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.
|One likes to smell nice doesn't one.
It can be quite hard to write what's on your mind. Especially if you haven't made it up yet. Just. Write whatever comes to mind and shorten it down to the abstract.
Not quite dark.
Cold. Don't want to shut my window.
Music. Painting. A collage.
Photographs don't meet my eyes.
Surreal. Life just passing by.
World going to ruin.
Can't touch it.
Like a dream.
We're all used to dreaming.
Can't wake up.
Stuff. Things. Items.
Distract our minds.
Wake up, nothing is different.
Nothing's gonna change my world.
Its dark now.
All so oblivious of the world. Can't even do the simplest of things. So caught up in our fights for what we believe in that we fail to see. I don't mean the bums on the street. Don't mean Your drunk father. Simply washing the dishes. You fight for a better world, you even fight your parents when they tell you to clean your room. Because you are far too busy, far too busy coming up with ways to make the world a better place. You sit there with your theories. The people demonstrating in the streets are no better. All the red flags in the world aren't going to make any difference. All the politicians in the world can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks
You that never done nothin'
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly
Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain
You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud
You've thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins
How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I'm young
You might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know
Though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do
Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul
And I hope that you die
And your death'll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I'll watch while you're lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I'll stand o'er your grave
'Til I'm sure that you're dead
|Hail Mary, full of grace.
|Dreams are nothing. |
We dream, it was always so.
Dreams weren't always nothing.
Watch the dreamers.
They have everything.
Everything is nothing.
They have nothing.
They will have nothing.
Desire drives them.
They all cry.
Ride a wave.
Surf the happiness.
A boiling ocean.
Find a perfect wave;
the wind will always die.
Freedom corrupts. The native Americans were happy, and then the settlers came. They got the right to dream. They could achieve all the things they never knew they wanted. Suicides and alcoholism became some of the most popular pastimes. Who would argue that they were not happier before? Freedom was introduced in Europe last century on a big scale. People had the possibility to become anything. They fought for what they never knew they wanted. We still fight. The revolution never dies. Because it can never be won. We always want more. I do not want to want. Will you please stop wanting.
Its so very glum,
its so very cold.
I think I'm dumb.
And silence is gold.
Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never get to screw my life up again.
|Watched a documentary.|
Kids living regular lives.
Drunk. Smoking. Juvenile hall.
Love. Do guys really care about love?
They seem so very shallow.
Is that nice for them?
I'd never stand it.
Watched a film.
People living regular lives.
Rewards and avoiding punishment.
No way to avoid it; you turn apathetic.
Can't act it out on others.
Either your body acts it out on it self.
Blood pressure. Kidney stones. Depression.
Grows inside of you.
Anxiety. Resentment. Wishes.
Or you do.
Too scared to solve our problems.
Know we should.
Wait for someone else to do it.
They are too scared.
They say love is a waiting game. We cant all wait. I've done so much waiting in my life. Always too scared to act. We take a step out into the scary dark and it doesn't take much to send us running back to where ever we came from. Will we ever take control over our lives? Will I ever dare go through with a plan? I'm so very good at planning. I've had a lifetime of practice. But I never put them to work, the children of my imagination. Always too scared. Every detail worked to perfection. But they never spring to life. Always a flaw that can turn into a reason not to go through with it. Then there's confusion. And I can never quite shed light on it all.
Nothing to light my way.
When you offer a spark,
I don't know what to say.
|...things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.
|Live life and die.|
Don't want to reach it.
Like everyone else.
The time of our lives.
Don't need to hope.
Break the rules.
Nothing at all.
I want to be a little boy chasing after a little girl. I want to want to grow up. I want to want to do things I no longer want to do. I don't want to care about what my life would have been at the present, had I had the childhood I want now. I think I'd appreciate it now. Even 6th grade. 7th grade. 8th grade. 9th grade was nice. I want it to have been. I... want to want it to have been. Dare I – dare I want it to have been? Memories. Do I really want to change them? I fear erasing them. My greatest fear is amnesia. I hate forgetting. I keep souvenirs; material, and in my head. I fear misplacing them. I don't want to learn. Its a dilemma; I learn from my memories – for a new chance. Do I want to take it? I want to want to. But I lost it in my pile of memories. I could search for it. I can search only under the street lights. I'm too scared of the dark. I broke my torch. I want to ask, if you could lend me yours. I recall I've broken that as well.
No free torches?
Torch lights all around,
it burns, it scorches.
How can I find my way home if I don't know if I'm lost?
|I've been sleeping all morning. I like being home alone all day. Gives me time to think, and dream. |
Woke up at six, my dad had put an alarm clock next to my bed just like I asked him to. I took it and turned it of before it finished the first bebeeeep, and then I went back to sleep. I got up at eight again to say goodbye to my mother and brother. Had a lovely cup of lovely tea. Looked at the snow. Then I went back to sleep.
Woke up a little while later to sleep paralysis. Was turned to the wall but felt the presence of someone there. Couldn't turn around and didn't dare to anyway. I closed my eyes. After a little while I managed to turn to my back through power of mind. Then I went back to sleep.
My first dream was about some computer game-like world, where I was in control of a turret defending some high tech city in space. I shot down a bunch of enemy ships, and then the boss came. I never did succeed in defeating her. On the back of her ship was some weapon or something I wanted, so I jumped out and got it. Then I passed through the wall of her ship and saw her. She was split in three parts: her brain; her body; and herself, who was some kind of white squid-like entity. I don't remember more.
In the second dream, I was camping with my mother and brother. Seems we were camped out on a big football field near my friend's house. I was browsing about the web on my laptop, apparently looking at facebook, and then we went to sleep. But I couldn't sleep. I went out of the tent and looked at the sky. There was a satellite up there, it was easy to see. Then I realized it was coming closer. I was oddly happy to see the impending doom, and I was still happy when I saw it crash down in the richer parts of town, the nuclear bomb-like explosion eradicating a large part of the city. I woke my mother and brother up and told them, then I woke up (still dreaming) and went to talk to my father. He said it never happened. Apparently my mother and brother were on vacation in England; they had pictures of it on facebook (should point out that no one in my family really has a facebook). They were on a wonderful beach there; it was Summer in England but it was certainly Winter here in Sweden.
Apparently (a word one seems to use often when describing dreams), there was going to be a big party. This really rich man was arranging it. It was a big thing, there was even a long documentary with live interviews about it on telly. Guess who were on the guest list? My class. Only my class. And our dates.
I'm not certain as to where we were, but it seems we were in this rich guy's house. Anyway it looked mostly like my house except everything was made of mahogany, ivory, and gold. A couple of people from my class were there getting ready. I was getting ready as well, but I wasn't sure I was going. I didn't have anyone to go with. I never did think of asking one of my friends in class. I was in the bathroom, I was going to take a shower. My father and this guy my friend is in love with (none of them are in my school) were there too. I began to get undressed, and so was the guy. He talked to my dad a little and with me as well, then I took my shower and went out of there. And yes he got naked. I also recall sitting on my knees in front of the bathtub washing my back or something. No one was in there at that moment.
I then went into this area which was below ground level. I now recognize it from WoW. I haven't played the game in ages, and the room was one you wouldn't go to more than once if even that. In a corner a girl from my school was sitting. I don't remember who it was, but I think it could have been one called Andrea. She was alone so we talked for a bit. Then I looked into a mirror and realized my hair had turned bright-though-almost-orange-blonde. It was fashioned like that of a brat and I ran my hand through it in the signature bratish way. I then realized I was going to color it before the party. I left the girl and went to the bathroom again. There I met my friend and the guy she liked. He was sitting of the toilet lid and her on the sink. We didn't really talk, I just took out the package of hair color. I opened it and dug around in it, only to find some berries. "Great," I said, "herbs. I can put them in my hair as well." Then I dug a little further and found some spruce foliage (we use it a lot in Sweden and the north in general). I was a little alarmed that I was supposed to put the little things in my hair; then I realized that actually, all these things in the box were really Christmas decorations. I took them out, leaving the color in the box for now. I put two of the decorations on her combined wreath of thorns and Christmas hat (like that of Santa; we use them a lot around Christmas as well in Sweden). Both me and he said it looked really cute, and convinced her of looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. She said "I look ugly in this hat don't I."
Then I woke up for real. And I realized I had overslept.
|Jase de snööar, jase de snöar nanananaananananana|
Ought to point it out... Its not staying though.
I have a day off school. Meh.
|We all want something strange to us.
|Most of them won't fulfill their dreams. |
Content with what life gives them.
Regretting not catching those chances flying by.
It'll be too late.
Its easier that way.
They all had dreams.
Most of them were not lived.
Waking up from our dreams we realize we overslept.
We want to go back to sleep.
You can spend your whole life looking for something
Something that might be
Right in front of your eyes
But you'll be looking for something else, you'll never find
|If we fight for what we believe in in a world on the brink of damnation, we are at least doing something good.|
If we don't fight for what's right or good.
Not for something we've learned to fight for.
But simply for what we believe in.
In a world with so much degradation, I guess that is ... the best we can do.
And doing anything less is failing. Miserably.
So its a clear choice, between failing utterly at life, or becoming a hero of sorts.
A little hero. No matter what they say, if we fight for our ideals we have done our part.
Never give up on what you believe in.