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and so who are you?
03/01/10 at 01:12 PM by midlight23
you grow up and you change. sometimes you move on. right? that's the way the world works. but who am i. i can grow up. i can move on. i can say i'm mature and smart. but who is "i"? that's what i wonder right now. i just wanna say. to someone. i wanna tell someone but who? no one can listen. well that's not true, ameena will listen, but, she's the person i don't want to tell. hey if you read this katie, just for the record, i'm sorry i'm an asshole. sometimes i say stuff i really shouldn't say, and all the time i'm joking but sometimes i should just shut up cause just because it's a joke doesn't justify it, it's still rude and inconsiderate. so i'm sorry that i treat you so wrongly, i really am. if you read this i guess you'll hear, but then again i don't know why you would read this since i've been a complete jerk but yeah... maybe i'll text you later. hmm. i already lost what i was writing. oh, maybe i'll talk about what i wanna tell someone. pretty much all i want, is to talk to someone. for someone to take the time to pay attention to me and listen to me talk about my day and stuff that happens, you know? i just want a friend to talk to. and thankfully i do have a friend like that, i have ameena. but i realized this is why i get so attached to people so quickly, for example whenever i start to get into a relationship or a girl likes me, i absolutely cherish that person (before now i never knew why, i thought it was love) because someone actually shows care, someone pays attention to what i say and listens. it doesn't matter what it is. i don't have to be sad and crappy, i can be bright and happy, it's just important to me to have someone that pays attention. and so now i don't get so attached to people anymore. now i know, all i want is attention. that's why i cut myself before. because if i did that, people would try to talk to me and help me, they would give me attention. it's hard to admit but it's the truth. now here comes the question i can't answer. . . is that wrong? is it wrong to want attention? maybe it's wrong to go to such idiotic lengths for attention, but is it wrong? maybe it depends on what you do for attention and simply that. maybe if i do something amazing for attention, well it was for attention, but it was amazing, so is it wrong? i don't really know. i don't understand it. it is wrong, but it isn't. lately i become more aware of my conscious talking to me, whenever i say something to myself, i can feel whether its wrong or immoral or right or whatever, i can feel it. and i try over and over again until it feels right. but this is a subject where, it feels right to say its right, and it feels right to say its wrong. so which is right? is this lunacy? i can have a legitmate conversation with myself now, i will sit down and talk to myself, (not out loud; usually) and i'll ask myself questions, and i'll answer them. and if i answer wrong i reprhase the question and answer again until i get it right. the point is. heck what is the point? i really don't know.
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No Title Yet
05/29/09 at 09:16 AM by midlight23
I keep it going
All the blood and pain flowing
Love and hate all together
Entombed in tears forever
Life passes me by
As my soul starts to cry
I canít help those I love
Iím more hopeless than a one-winged dove
I donít care what happens anymore
Let me pass out on the floor
Donít push it; just look away
Thereís nothing anyone can say

A worthless being
So whatís the reason for trying
Iíve been giving all I can give
More and more I donít want to live
Nothing I can do matters
Everything I touch just turns to dust and scatters
All the breaking hearts are just too much
Iím tired of people running from my touch
This one last time Iíll tie the rope and set the chair
When Iím gone no one will know how much I really care
Even if they heard my screams
Soon Iíd be forgotten like their dreams
Just kill me
This way life is easy
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Pain Still Lingers Here
05/29/09 at 07:29 AM by midlight23
Pain still lingers here
Deep inside my heart
It has no cure
The poison pumped inside my heart

Vile and deadly
It reaches into my soul's depth
And pulls out all the angry feelings

Tears brushed away with anger
Drip into your conscious
And they burn you like fire
You're not going to escape this

Pain still lingers here
Resting on my shoulder
It whispers words I don't want to hear

Turns my happiness to tears
Like acid they flow
Corroding my soul and awakening my fears
All for the pain, that still lingers here

The pain reminds me everyday
What you've done to me
It makes me wonder why I stay

Let me go, let me free
Your grasp is choking
I don't even won't to breath
But please, let me free

Sincere apologies have taken me
Oppurtunity to start out new
My watery eyes look towards you

Into hell and back
I've come out at heaven
With an angel looking down at me
A torn soul on his knees

The angel said to me:
"My arms open for you,
here my cries, forget all my lies,

I want to save you
Come to me again..."
With tears in her eyes
She reached towards me with a bloody hand

Her arms were beautiful and pale
And on them was written a story of betrayal
Of blood shed for an angel unfaithful

I took her hand and laid my head on her
She kissed my cheek and wiped my tears
She said "Don't worry now, I'm here."
She put her arm in mine and we walked

We walked past flowers and trees
Through meadows and mountains
And all the birds did sing

All the while, love shined brightly onto me
We walked and walked, till we came to a house and it's door
She said "Close your eyes now dear."
She kissed them shut and let me go

She opened slowly, the wooden door
She sang softly of love and forgiving
Her words calmed my soul and opened my eyes

I fell on my knees and began to cry
She said "Come in now dear, don't cry, it'll be alright"
But the angel could not see it
The angel could not hear it

All the beauty in the world exsisted here,
But in the brilliance and splendor, a whisper had come to my ear
It said "betrayal' for pain still lingers here
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Little Sister
05/15/09 at 07:24 AM by midlight23
I've never had a little sister. I've always wondered what it would be like to have one. Now I realize exactly what it's like because now I have one. The most important person in the world to me, my best friend, she's just like a little sister to me. And the reason i kept screwing up was because that's not how i treated her. But now that she's gone and made a mistake, i wanted to push her away, to just say that she betrayed me. Well maybe she has betrayed me, but it's cause she's made a mistake and that's what little sisters do, and when they make a mistake, they don't want to admit, they're stubborn about it, well that's what she's doing right now. and if she wants to do that, if she wants to ignore me cause she knows she made a mistake, then fine, it's alright with me, i stilll love her with all my heart and soul, i'm still gonna be here for her when she comes back to me ready to admit her mistake. i'm not gonna push her away because now i'm in the position of big brother, and that's not something a big brother would do. a big brother would love his little sister until the day he dies and forgive every mistake, always there to listen to her and to hold her, that's what i have to do.
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I Feel So Happy! Eh. Not Really.
05/11/09 at 07:28 AM by midlight23
I tried really hard today, and i'm gonna keep trying, i don't care if anyone has anything negative to say because i'm not in the mood to be negative. whatever happens today, i'm gonna act as happy as a fucking squirrel in a pot full of nuts. i dressed really weird today so i expect alot of negative mean comments today, and those people that laugh whenever i walk by them, i don't fucking care because they're the ones that are the idiots because they can't respect someones individual opionion on clothing. so fuck them, no reason i should be down.
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Last Updated: 03/01/10 (1,238 Views)
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