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j0rdansl0ver's Ramble
I can't believe now that you're gone how much you mean to me
07/20/09 at 02:05 PM by j0rdansl0ver
He's gone. He's never coming back.
The last memory I'm ever going to have of that boy is of him walking away from me. He didn't want to. I didn't want to. But we had too. The last thing i said to him, in person, besides 'bye' was 'i love you, too.' So I'm glad I got that out. And I'm glad he felt the same way. I wish we had a chance to do something about it. It's so not fair. I just wrote in my notebook the other day about how I do know exactly what I want but I can't have him cause he lives to far away. And long distance never works with me. I shoulda tried. I'm a stupid girl. Now I never have that chance again. It's over. He's gone. He's never coming back. I never thought not having him here now would hurt so much. We talked every day. Every damn day. And now what? I just ... stop. I can't do that. But I can't text him or call him now. No one will answer. Ever. Ever. Ever. And the cell phone company will eventually replace his phone number and I'll call him someday just to see what happens... and some old lady will answer and chew me out. So it's over. I should just delete his number out of my phone. His name in my phone is "My Husband" ... and in his phone he has me as "My Wife." Well, I guess this makes me a widow then... or is it widower. I don't know. I don't care. I'm deleting his number. Right meow.
Tags: My husband, gone, death
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Pens & Pianos
07/09/09 at 11:34 PM by j0rdansl0ver
the stream of ink from this pen on this paper is really the only way to express my thoughts. to open up & pour these words in my head upon someone's ears... to watch their eyes as they cut my words into a thousand pieces... only reading & hearing what they want out of it... not catching the full gist of my story ... to go through that would be disappointing and leave me disgruntled. Using my hands is the only way, whether it's pen to paper, finger to keys, or pick to strings. Back in the day, before I realized there really was no talent for me there, I used to paint and draw. It would take me almost all day to create a single line because I was such a perfectionist. The image HAD to look exactly like what I pictured in my head or I wasn't satisfied. When it took me a whole month to finish my Adam & Eve painting (which I sold for $150 when I was short on cash), I realized I didn't have the patience & focused my creativity on music & writing. Sometimes, I like to sit down & escape ... to black & white. To b flats and f sharps. Which combinations sound best? Should the pedal be applied here or there? Harder or softer? Faster or slower? To sit on the bench before that Grand and just let my fingers do the work is amazing. And the first time I really NAIL a new song ... the feeling is the best. Then to learn it to perfection... to where you don't even think about it anymore... you place your fingers in that 1st position and then let them do what they want, what they know. God, I love piano. And I love to write. And I must admit, I do love my hand writing. So a bit of me writing is just so I can see the swirls of my handwriting. (And then watch my fingers type amazingly fast as I add this from my summer notebook to absolutepunk.)
thats all I have for now.

The Prize Of Perfection

it's a tear drop on blue horizontal lines
its a perfect melody and a perfect rhyme
its the highest note without any strain
or the winning goal in the championship game
that moment you realize it's been achieved
perfection, reflection, satisfaction, your dream
you know it, you feel lit, rejoice in your song
you live up your moment, it won't last for long

with something so rare, it's so hard to find
it's beneath the stairs of the journey you climb
the pressure, the journey, your faith, it fades
the treasure, the trophey, its worth, it reigns
perfection is such a fantastic word
the goal can be seen, it can be heard
hard work is just a formality
to get to the prize, to your destiny

it's a smile from that one meaningful guy
or the man of the house with a wink from his eye
a cheer from a stranger, a man in the crowd
it's someone left saying, 'you make me so proud'
maybe it's not as hard as it seems
perfection, reflection, satisfaction, your dream
it's the miniscule things you must learn to count
life's simple pleasures, the joy that you've found

with something so rare, it's so hard to find
it's beneath the stairs of the journey you climb
the pressure, the journey, your faith, it fades
the treasure, the trophey, its worth, it reigns
perfection is such a fantastic word
the goal can be seen, it can be heard
hard work is just a formality
to get to the prise, to your destiny
Tags: pens, pianos, perfection
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You Can Sit Right Behind Me but I Won't Turn Around...
07/09/09 at 09:29 AM by j0rdansl0ver
That's what he did. He sat RIGHT behind me. No, not James or any of the other guys I've talked about so far. Nope. CALEB! if anyone's reading this (which i highly doubt) you're probably thinking .. what's the big deal about caleb. Hm. Well I'll tell you what the big deal is about Caleb.

So at the senior party this year back in May after school got out (thank god)... the senior party was at my friend keely's house. In my area, senior parties aren't just for the seniors. EVERYBODY goes to these. there were kids from other schools there, people who'd already graduated, and underclassmen. So Caleb (who graduated with my brother in 2007) was there with all of my brothers friends. I had just told one of my brother's friends (Scott) that I wasn't interested in him. I felt bad for saying that but I was tired of the kid thinking he had a chance and he didn't. He's so boring.

But yeah. Caleb and I got to talking and wabam! next thing I know we're heading out to his car to 'get another beer.' And we do. He gets me one. And then we make out. And then we go back to the party. And then later on go back and 'get another beer' and then make out some more. And then I leave. yup.

And then I saw him at another party after that and we talked and i don't know .. teased each other. But i was completely sober that night and didn't really want to make out with him so I didn't.

And then I saw him LAST NIGHT at the fair. Me and my best friend megan were watching the Talent Show and Vance (my brother's friend ... also my old neighbor.. he's like my brother too) came up and sat beside me. Then some other guy came up and started talking to vance. And then CALEB showed up and sat RIGHT BEHIND ME!

Well i froze up. I'm not very good with awkward moments. So I just ignored him completely and watched the people sing and talked to Megan. I felt him accidentally touch like my back or my shoulder every now and then but i just figured it was an accident and forgot about it. Then I saw him get up and walk away. So I relaxed. I leaned back in my seat I laughed and joked loudly with megan. I almost fell asleep cause the talent show was sooooo boring. Lots of country singers. In fact, I think that's all they sang was country songs. It gets way old after like the first two.

Then once it was over I get up to leave, i look back to where Vance and them had moved to the back of the seating, and who's sittin up there?? CALEB! He didn't leave. But that didn't really bother me.

Then later were out walking around. I was bored. So I texted Caleb cause he was the one who was on my mind. I said 'hey whats up' in my text and then send it. Then i look up and see him walking over from the rides. "SHIT!" I yell. "He's not gone!! I thought he left!" So i dive into the bathroom right next to us. I get a text back as I'm diving in that says 'nm i c u' so I said 'not anymore.' and then we continue to talk and he says he tried to talk to me. i said no he didn't. he said ya he even tapped me on the shoulder once and i said oh i don't remember that.

pause.
I told megan and christy this as i got the messages. I just read the one where he tapped me on the shoulder.
Me: I didn't notice!
Christy: well, yeah, I mean, you get tapped so much that you don't even...feel it... anymore AND I'm gonna stop right there cause it's startin to sound bad.
haha.
play.

then he came over and talked to me in person and it was awkward cause i didn't know what to say and all we kept doing was goin 'yup.' 'yeah' 'well' 'yup'
okay no that wasn't all we said but pretty much. then he left.

awkward.
i love awkward moments. there hilarious while they're happening but afterwards you're just like 'man that was so awkward'

Man. That was so awkward.
Tags: awkward, tap that,
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i am stuck stuck stuck.
07/08/09 at 01:45 PM by j0rdansl0ver
today I realized that my life is a boring routine with the same worries, same events, and same emotions.
I'm sick of it.
I get up each day after sleeping in till about 10.
I eat something.
I listen to music.
I play the piano.
I strum the guitar.
I check my facebook, email, and ap.
Then I get dressed and shower and get ready to go out or go to work.
And when I go out ... it's fun for a little while but again it's the same thing over and over and over again.
I'm stuck in life.
I don't want out.
I just want to keep moving.
I want SURPRISE, i want impromptu lifestyles.
No plans, just action.
Just text me, find me, let's go out and make it happen.
Action.

Get this.
I just got a text reminding me that at 4:05.. It's going to be ...

04:05:06 pm on 07/08/09. Isn't that neat.
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My Summer Notebook:... all rolled into one
07/07/09 at 06:39 PM by j0rdansl0ver
so youre caught up. keep in mind. im raised in the country. its the summer before i go to college. small towns of about 1000 people. yay. and i listen to all music. but tend to write more country sounding songs because i play acoustic guitar the most and it sounds the best with my southern accent. :P

My summer notebook:

april 25th, 2009

so i've always kinda liked max. like the first time i met him ... he was just so obviously not into me. he pretty much ignored me. then he fell hard for darcy and i just stood by and watched. then he hooked up with megan and i helped them both cope after wards. now what? he wants to hook up with me? that's not what i want. I WANT A RELATIONSHIP. and max is such a nice guy. i would totally date him =) but thats probaby not what he wants. oh well. im tired of trying so hard. from now on, i'm just doing whatever.
people who like me:
scott -- yes he does but he probably just wants sex and i dont really like him that much
rodney -- uh yeah ... pothead ... friend of charles' ... a big hello no.
ben -- the whole long distance thing ... ya that shit never works for me
max -- of course
chris -- he wants my body
jordan -- he wants me all alone
there's also kinda ryan -- who has a girlfriend
and kinda avery -- who's a big joke. :( but oh well.
I suck at life. I hope this time I get it right.

April 17th
i feel bad about what i'm going to write... i dont really like max. i kinda wanna break it off already. i mean he's soooooo nice but he's just not what i'm looking for or what i thought he was. I'm not crazy about him. i wanna be crazy about someone. Jordan... I was crazy about him. More crazy about him than he was about me. So Will just texted me and told me that there's a party tomorrow night ... which i will not be going to because Jordan will be there and max will be there and well i just dont think I could deal with that. i'd HAVE to tell 'no' to Jordan again & be nice to max which would piss Jordan off but if I tried to unpiss Jordan off then that would piss Max off. *sigh* it's just better I steer clear of that drama. I'M GROUNDED. That's my excuse. I am not allowed out because my mom's still pissed at me for a couple weeks ago. Yup. That's it. & now chris just texted me. Ya he'd be there too. Which would be even MORE drama. Eek. I just needta stay away from all them. Jordan. Max. Chris. Will. Eek! Haha. It's not funny. It's actually really bad. I don't know what I'm looking for!! :( Could been with Charles ... no. Coulda been with Chris ... no. Could "been" with Jordan ... no way in hell. Coulda been with Ben ... uh no. could be with scott ... nah. Could be with Max ... no :(. Ahh well... I just needta figure it out. What if by the time I figure it out it's too late??

A SAD SONG:
I wanna hear a sad song I can sing along too
A slow song that matches my mood
About broken promises and lies
Secret masters of disguise
Heartache and lost trust
Learning how to adjust
A slow tune flow through my ears
A sad song I wanna hear

I've deceived you. And I've lied.
I've spent the whole time wondering why
I think about it and I wish
You could forgive me for all this

So I'll let myself cry
Get rid of my fears of being lost
I won't calcuelate the cost

--

I want a tearjerker, one that goes...
Deep into my heart, through my bones...
Makes me think that it's for me
It's written just so perfectly

--
--

j0rdansl0ver <3's ????
Avery? (maybe not...)
Max? (if he liked me back...)
Scott? (I dont think so...)
Charles? (hell no ... douche...)
Chris? (sex addict...)
Jordan? (too dramatic...)
Bob? (hahahaha no...)
Rodney? (pothead...)
Ryan? (has a g/f ...)
Daniel? (sounds kinda stupid and mean...)

So I went to Avery's party last night. & i thought htings might be awkward but they weren't. we get along great. i really like max actually but it's so incredibly obvious he doesn't feel the same way. i mean ... i thought he liked me ... but maybe i was wrong. maybe i imagined it. why'd he kiss me so much then? Why cant things go back to how they were in November. when i was with Jordan and happy. and megan was with tyler and happy. and darcy with max and happy. and megan with josh and happy. Maybe we'll never have that happiness again. gah. i wanna be with jordan again. but i can't. i never will be ever again. no. now he's a family man. :( I miss him. I miss happiness. You'll never see what you've done to me. Take back your memories they're no good to me.

May 17th
I've figured it out. I know who I want. :( Someone I can't get. Ryan. I shouldn't like him. Look whats happened to me & him. Miriah has no idea we talk so much. She has no idea that he made a point of stopping to talk to me after his race. No idea he thinks about me during the day when he should be thinking of her. No idea we bonded that night. No idea he made a point of watching me in my races. No idea that if me & ryan are ever alone together again... that space between us would disappear. I'd be in heaven. She'd be in hell if she knew. Gah!!! I don't think I've ever wanted somone SOOO MUCH! And he has a girlfriend... So i'll never get him. :( BOYS ARE GAY!!

i'm tired of looking for someone else. i'm tired of being alone. i just want someone to treat me right. to be what i need. and not someone stupid like tyler. i dont like him. not someone like max who im better off friends iwth. or someone like charles & rodney. or someone like scott who has NOTHING to him. he's an open and closed book. I want someone to see all the time. to spend time with. Etc. :( You know what I'd be if ryan broke up with MIriah for me? A HOMEWRECKER!! Brianna would hate me no doubt. So would miriah of course. And probably kayla a little since Miriah is her cousin. Oh well. Not like it even matters. He'd never go out with me now. I made a fool of myself asking what he wanted. God. Why can't I ever just get what I want? I WANT HIM, GOD! NO TYLER! NO SCOTT! NO DEON! NO RODNEY! NO BOB! NO MAX!! I want RYAN! PLEASE make him want me BACK!!

june 2nd
well it worked. Ryan broke up with Miriah for me. Me and him hung out. And we made out. And guess what ... I'M OVER HIM! Ugh! He's not what I want. WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?!?!?! I wanna KNOOOOW! Who's the right guy for me?

About Me:
The chances of someone actually reading all this are slim so I'm gonna spill a bit of my heart in it. I'm the girl that you prolly pass in the mall laughing with her friends about something stupid. Or I'm the girl singing to herself at work while restocking candy. I'm the girl who is so incredibly boy crazy that i find it hard to control myself. I'm the one that throws up when she eats anything banana flavored. Haha. I'm the girl who's rocking out to Ben Folds, Saosin, Forever The Sickest Kids, Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, and George Strait in the car and in my room. I'm the person who woill ask the most awkward questions and say the randomest crap ... & mean it. I'm the girl that gets pissed when you mess with her friends, her family, or ask about her grades. I'm caught trying to find someone who matters to me. I've looked so hard and tried so many times that I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I enjoy the rain because it makes me sad in a way I like to feel. I listen to sad songs on purpose when I'm sad. I have 2 piano keyboards in my room, a fender guitar, an iPod speaker system, and a stereo system, and i use all of it. I play the piano ALL THE TIME. I'm the girl that when she's in the same room as a piano, I have to play it. I have no regrets. I wear black nail polish not because I'm trying to make a statement but because I like it. I'm a kid that knows exactly where I wanna go in life. I don't wear converses because I think they're overrated but I will gladly wear a knock-off brand because it looks good with my work clothes. :) I'm a kid that knows exactly where I wanna go in life. I'm a kid who's afraid I'll never get it. I worry for others' safety before my own. I would run back into a burning building if it meant saving my best friends. I wonder about how things could have been. I wonder why things happen in all extremes. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe a smile will always make things better. I believe in no regrets and living life to the fullest. I'm half deaf in my right ear because I listen to my music too loud and tune out my problems. I'm sunburnt in the summer because I hate wasting time to put sun screen on. I believe that whatever happens will happen and I won't be able to stop it. I believe in niether heaven or hell in the sense that people go to one or the other when they die. I believe life is a constant circle: you're born, you live, you die, you're born again. I am self-consciously unsure in my confident self. I believe in happy endings. And that everyday could lead to a happy ending. I believe the night is always young and so am I. So if you need me, text me cause I'm also the girl who's always on the go but always on the phone. Love life and live it up. I'm only 18 once, baby, and I'm gonna enjoy it. Today is a day I'll never get back. Today is a day to remember.

okay so people ... guys ... they like and fall hard for what they think i am but theres so much more to me than what they 1st see!! So i'm always afraid that once they get to know the me in my head that htey won't like me anymore. Yeah yeah well you're just a mess. I'm so confused I'm so stuck. I just want out again. :( Wh ydoes life always seem to have complications. Well, I'll go out in style.
I can read your poker face better than you can read a book.

June 7th
Dear God,
You've fucked up my life. You've gotten me so confused that I don't even know what I want anymore :( Please help me out. I'm so sick of this. I want to fall head over heals for a good guy. Not a stupid drunk. You've made me hate life. Thanks a lot. Love, j0rdansl0ver

my name: (not gonna tell you)
My age: 18 ... for now.
My status: single & HATING IT

MY LIST
  1. neal - but it was just a 1st kiss
  2. justin - but everybody kisses him
  3. charlie - but it was a gross mistake lol
  4. michael - but he played me
  5. bryan - but he lied to me
  6. dylan g - but he lied about it
  7. dylan f - but it was just once
  8. stevo - but we're better off friends
  9. kyle - but he had a g/f and lied about it
  10. charles - but he was too clingy and he stalked me
  11. Jordan - yes okay i loved him but i'm over him??
  12. keith - but he lived to far away
  13. mark - but that was just for fun
  14. scott - but he was so lame
  15. tyler - but im still not sure
  16. chris - but he was too aggressive
  17. random guy @ new years - but i was too drunk
  18. ben - but i just wanna be friends
  19. avery - but it was a drunken accident!
  20. rodney - but i can't really remember
  21. max - but he needs chapstick. & a lot of it
  22. ronnie - but i denied it for so long
  23. caleb - but after one kiss I was over it
  24. curt - but he moved TOO fast
  25. ryan - but i'm not gonna be one of his hoes
  26. Ian - I LOVE HIM! but we decided it wouldn't work out... too far away
  27. james r - but i'll let you know....
june 11th
still no boyfriend but i do really like tyler. I wish he weren't going so slow :( But yes I really like him. but you know what he told me last night? he has cancer. HE HAS CANCER!! And what's worse is that he has a 50/50 chance of getting it back in his bones or brain. YA! That's frickin nutso. I might be falling in love (i'm not) with a guy who might just go & DIE!! I don't think I could deal with taht... I had a lot of problems & emotional crap in the beginning & I don't really wanna go back there. I'm finally pretty happy. Oh well. I decided ahwile ago that I was just gonna go with whatever happens. yup yup. Oh well. STill no boyfriend.

june 14th
well me & tyler are officially dating and boyfriend/girlfriend and in a relationship and i put it on facebook like yesterday and I came home from work and my mom's like 'so who are you in a relationship with?' and so i told her about how i met tyler in october and we've been friends and talking since i met him at a football game. I told her she'd probably see him at homecoming but I am NOT introducing him to her. At least not for like a month if we last that long. I don't know if we will or not. I kinda doubt it. But i'm in this till something better comes along. Which is doubtful. Oh well.

One Must Love

June 27th
so we broke up. He had me. He did me. He's over me. Like that. :( I feel so used. God. He was supposed to be so in love with me. I'm not even sad. Just pissed that he ended it before it even began. Whatever. I hate all guys. FML Fuck my life.

(my anger song... it's crappy)
derailed

you didn't really even give us a shot
you were now given what you just got
told you it needed to be the real thing
before we'd be in the back makin it swing

you got wahat you wanted and that was enough
we bumped and we grinded and we made rough love
but too soon it seems i gave it all up
well guess what baby I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!

i only was with you because they told me to
I gave you a try because you're a nice guy
You looked so pathetic I was sympathetic
I wanted to be who you were kissing
But I didn't care, about you about you
Tried to be fair, and its true and its true
It was a joke, I laugh cause we failed
there is no hope, that train's been derailed

once you let me slip through your fingers
trust me I won't linger
for long ... i'll be gone.

....

I FINALLY KISSED IAN!! Okay. Here was my Alumni Day experience... I get there and call Ian to come to the entrance. I see him for like 2 seconds then he disappears. So i'm walkin through the crowd then finally I see him and I'm like "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" And I run and give him a HUGE hug. and then smile and laugh and talk and then hug him again and then we go find Ben and talk and then go dance. It was fun but by the end my hair and body was covered in sweat. Then, me and Ian and Ben went to the columns and then Ben left. & me and Ian just sat there and talked an joked around some, then we switched sides of the columns and somehow we ended up holding hands. Then he laced his fingers between mine. Then I pulled away and was like "I have a question to ask you ... and it might change our friendship ... do you like me? Or are you just being nie like you are to everyone?" And he held my hand, put his arm around me, and said "I want to." And then I looked at him like 'what does that mean' and he continues, "but I'm talking to this girl back home." And I nodded and then talked about my "break" in my relationship with tyler. and how you take breaks a your job ... not in a relationship and then ian said he was sorry for me. And then we hugged and said how mean thiw was because I may never see him again. And it was quiet a moment while we both thought of that and then Ian said "I love you." And I could tell by how he said it and the look in his eyes that he really meant it. And then I said, "I love you, too, E." And then I rested my head on his shoulder and he said "God I really want to kiss you right now. And I smiled and said "me too" and then we did. and we kissed for a long time. And then Ian said he had to go. And so I jumped off the column and he did too. And we hugged and kissed some more. Then he stepped back still holding onto my hands and I started to quietly cry. He stepped rowards suddenly and kissed me again. Then he stepped back and said 'bye' and i took a breath and said bye. Then he turned and walked away. I half expected him to turn around and take min his arms again. I half expected myself to run after him, tackle him, and tell him he can never leave me. to stay all night with me. Forever. To never let him leave me. I knew watching him walkway that he was what I was looking for all along. It made sense. The only time I had really been very truly happy was whenever I was around him. But I forced myself to stay still. I laid my arms on the columns and rested my head on my arms. I watched him walk away into the streetlamps out on the road. I hid in the dark. Finally, I'd had enough. I couldn't just stand here and watch him walk away. I grabbed my keys and stomped off in the other direction towards my car. By now I was crying very hard and it took everything in my not to fall to the ground in tears. I looked over my shoulder at him the same time that he looked back at me. I waved half-heartedly and he did too. And then I cried knowing I'll probably never see him again. :( But yes. I love Ian.

*james walks into the movie theater while i'm working ... and he's with another girl... he texts me once he's in the theater...*
him: thot u wasnt workin?
me: couldn't get someone to cover me lol
him: so u shoulda told me...
me: why?
him: Y! really?
me: yeah really.
him: think i'm horrible huh?
me: okay what are you talking about? I'm so confused lol horrible for what?
him: did you ever like me?
me: yeah i did
him: what happened
me: you were playin
him: no! but i messed up!
me: hows that?
him: cause you hate me! right?
me: i never said that.
him: you don't like me...
me: what makes you think that?
him: cause we don't talk. i'd like 2 watch this with you
me: lol what do you mean we don't talk. we just hung out 3 days ago.
him: want to again?
me: o idk.
him: huh?
me: why do you want to hang out again if ur on a date with another girl?
him: shes like a sister. goes to church with me. likes transformers! every1 deserted me ... so i invited her.
me: o rly.
him: promise... i'll introduce you if you want. we go to college together.
me: i dont care. lol do what you want....
him: well, i'd like to know if you still like me...
me: well, idk. i just feel like i'm bein played. a lot. and i know you'd like to do what you did with me, with christy and darcy. and thats kinda playin me.

Dear James, <-- YOU ARE SO RETAREDED! HONESTLY!! (a letter i'll never send)
You are a lying, two-timing, man whore. Okay, me and darcy and christy are all best friends. So we tell each other EVERYTHING! including what boys say to us, text to su, tell us on the phone, & do to us. And you are the very definiton of a player. so you know what.... SCREW YOU! You deserve to be alone and pathetic. You already are pathetic. Cause I mean, if you're gonna play people... make sure they're not BFFs first. Duh! Stupid. Also, don't try to go on a date with a 4th girl to where the 1st girl works. And then make excuses and lie. Do you really think we're that stupid? Oh ya and VIRGIN??? Okay for someone as horny as you, you're either A) pathetic or B) lying and full of shit. Either way, did you really expect to get some with that? You are so stupid, it kinda blows my mind. Don't ever show your face at another party in my county or my brother and his friends will kick y our ass. Try it. & if you mess with my friends ... you're dead.
SEE YOU AROUND LOSER,

Lie, lie, lie
About James

you get upset when i don't call
you think that i should care bout it all
but you dont know what i'm gonna plan
i'm workin on destroying a man
you thought that you could play us
now you've lost all respect and trust
i'm gonna give you what you deserve
you're gonna wish you were never born

i'm gonna make the day we all met
become a day you're gonna regret

You whisper, you cheat, and you lie, lie, lie
We cat you, we know that you lie, lie, lie
And when we get even you'll wish you could die
And then you'll regret that you lie, lie, lie
And then you will wish you don't lie, lie, lie
Don't lie, lie, lie


That's all that's in my notebook. For now.
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Today
07/07/09 at 05:15 PM by j0rdansl0ver
i just started this. obviously. i dont know why. or what i'm supposed to do on it. but oh well.

im texting this boy right now. his name is James. we've hung out three times now. he texts me all the time. i dont like him. i dont know why im still talking to him. actually yeah i do. im still talking to him because hes still interested. and hes doing everything right. no one else thats interested in me does things the way i like them to... (slow) hes good. and he happens to be the most good looking guy ive ever met. i dont know why he's wasting his time with me. he could do so much better.

first time we met:
at a party. yeah yeah i know that's not exactly the ideal place to meet a potential future boyfriend. but no it's not like we were both wasted and decided to make out with each other. nono. we were the only ones there not drinking. i drink occaisionally but that i didn't feel like it. and he's drank before but he doesn't really like it. so we talked and hung out most of the night. and then a small disney channel kiss at the end.

second time we hung out:
we went swimming at the lake. it was fun. he commented on how white i was. i commented on how i don't care. we dunked each other and had a race to the roped off section of the water. then went to taco bell and he bought my food (wow big spender. no it was cool). And then we went to the fairgrounds and sat on the bleachers all alone in the dark talking about each others lives.

third time we hung out:
he joined me and my ex-best friend-but-trying-to-become-current-best-friends-again Stephanie at the movie theater where I work to watch The Hangover. Then afterwards he came back with me to my place and we watched movies till he had to come home. it was that night that I introduced him to the no-under-the-clothes-unless-youre-my-boyfriend rule. he completely agreed.

he wants to see me now. I'm not giving in that easily. i've driven 30 minutes to see him both times we've hung out and now its his turn to drive to me. he wont do it. i'll be disappointed but act like i dont care. why sweat the small stuff?
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Last Updated: 07/20/09 (890 Views)
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