Fraternity elections took forever tonight. My position wasn't up for election though, so I'm still hard on the campaign trail. Was pretty happy with the choices the brotherhood made tonight. Have a test tomorrow. Bleh.
I am still swamped with work. I feel like I'm achieving nothing even though I am spending most of my waking life working. It's hard to say what is more disappointing, the fact that the work flow never ends, or that I continue to slog on and most of the good things that happen to people as a result of hard work are passing me by. Or maybe I'm just missing the point. Either way, it's hard to be this bitter and sad all the time when I'm surrounded by people who tell me i have no reason to be. Maybe they don't know all the facts. Maybe I just secretly enjoy being upset. I'd prefer the former.
At any rate, I was visited by a friend and coworker tonight that I haven't seen in quite some time. It was nice to shoot the breeze for a while and talk about ridiculous things, like fraternity politics and girls we think are particularly bodacious. I was also asked to write a letter of recommendation for someone who is applying for a job that I am reapplying to get next academic year. Conflict of interest? Nah. Not at all. Hell, I'll probably write a better one for him than anybody would write for me at this point. Eh. Starting to wallow in self pity too much. Time to go to sleep and pray that I don't wake up and ruin anybody else's life, mine included, tomorrow.
Still up working on dynamics homework, even though I've spent most of the night doing physics and working on a project. I don't know when the work will end, or if it will be worth it in the end, but whatever. It's the only thing to do right now, so I'm down I guess. Just got done chatting with a co-worker of mine about my fraternity formal. It sounds like she wants to go with me, but one of my friends has a thing for her, so I'm def gonna refer her to him. It is definitely the bro thing to do, amirite? 0_o More pressing on my mind is the case of the weird relationship. I don't know what I'm gonna do about the girl who is dating one of my brothers and best friends. The relationship has been troubled lately, and I've kind of been helping her out with it. But the rough thing is that even thought we are super close now, I feel like if she hadn't been dating my brother when I met her, I might have tried to cultivate a relationship. And I told her this the other night. Awkward. She didn't take it awkwardly, but when I looked at it later, I definitely felt awkward about it. It was like I had crossed a line of some sort, but I was the only one who cared. Weird.
I don't know why I came back to blogging again instead of just lurking. And occasionally starting a thread about stupid problems, only to be called a troll. Appropriate, I guess I was trolling everybody, myself included. Regardless, I really feel like writing is something I should get back into, if only to have a place to vent about shit that I don't understand enough to handle on my own. I'm just waiting for something to happen right now. I don't really make an effort to do much of anything beyond what I need to do to get by, and it shows a little bit, but I guess I have my reasons for it.
Also, extremely bummed out by Thrice and Thursday going on hiatus. Those guys definitely deserve it, but that won't stop me from missing them being around. Thanks for contributing so much to how I think of modern music!
In other news, I need to find a date for my fraternity formal. I haven't really given it much thought, as girls have been the lowest on my priority list right now, but I'm sure I can find someone. I don't mean to sound overly confident, but I feel like I have a couple girls on retainer that I could ask to go in a pinch. I'd really like to find someone that I want to take as a legitimate date though :/ Maybe that way my big brother won't feel like he has to set me up with someone like he's been offering to do.
At any rate, heading off to bed. Have a big day tomorrow, lots of homework and class. At least I'd like to think of it as a "big" day so that maybe "big" things happen. I dunno. Whatever.
Water closes over us, will anyone hear our cries? We were the captains of our own ship, why did all those people have to die? Wars that rage around the globe, while we kill the man next door. Bombs crashing and bodies flying, a smoking gun and he falls to the floor. This is the world we're inheriting, this is the place that we call home. Don't know what we did to deserve this, don't know how we'll make things right. There's only one thing I can say for sure: we won't give up without a fight. We were the kids you left at home, the kids that you abused. We grew up with neglect and disinterest, spent childhood confused. Now we're the ones calling the shots, the forgotten boys and girls. We'll do a better job than you ever did, new adults for this world. This is the world we're inheriting, this is the place that we call home. Don't know what we did to deserve this, don't know how we'll make things right. There's only one thing I can say for sure: we won't give up without a fight. Everything you did Everything you said is what we'll take with us. Good or bad, wrong or right, who are we to decide? The only way to make a future worth living in is to remember where you've been. So take up your arms, learn from your past, put your differences aside. This is the world we're inheriting, this is the place that we call home. Don't know what we did to deserve this, don't know how we'll make things right. There's only one thing I can say for sure: we won't give up without a fight. We are the only ones who can do this, don't just bide your time. We can all get along just fine, you are the rhythm and I am the rhyme. We're almost here, it'll be the perfect crime. If we all work together, when the future gets here I'll feel fine.
I know you have a voice that cuts to the bone but it somehow finds me, holds me, feels like home. After longing for you to appear where I want you here in an empty room we shared I stumbled home knocking at every door trying to find you but knowing I was fighting for a hopeless endeavour. Last call for broken hearts bad thoughts and lonely souls. You've been hanging round this bar all night and what have you got to show for it? So grab your coat and say goodnight its time to take this home. I hope you see me now and know your heart is made of stone. When we first met I hoped for something fun to sink my teeth into and there you were with a crooked smile and a method tried and true. The last stars left in heaven, we burned bright and went supernova. I'm falling down to Earth now and you know its sad but true that you will never find another who will travel with speed among the stars and put you alight again. Last call for broken hearts bad thoughts and lonely souls. You've been hanging round this bar all night and what have you got to show for it? So grab your coat and say good night its time to take this home. Here's to wishing that you get a hangover worse than mine. It's late and I should go now, but there's one last thing I have to say. I dug up the bones of what we had then I salted and up and burned them away. Last call for broken hearts bad thoughts and lonely souls. you've been hanging round this bar all night and what have you got to show for it? So grab your coat and say good night it's time to take this home. Been walking on these streets for days; when I get home, don't be there.
Fuck my room mate. Who the fuck honestly has the balls to say they are "captain" of a room with two other room mates? Who honestly thinks that being the only one to have your bed lowered from the bunk status is a "sign of domination over my room mates"? Fuck him.
So I'm pretty excited to be getting back to school now...should be fairly epic, considering the plans I have involving my room mate. He is the only person I know with a love life that does not exist...by his own choice. Now I've tried to figure out why he doesn't hook up and make dumb decisions like me every once in a while, and the only answer I've gotten is "I am oblivious". This is no reason that he should not get out there and date, so I have gotten a bunch of our friends together and we're gonna play the "Have you met....?" game, (yea, the one from How I Met Your Mother). Don't know if it will work well or not, but it is definitely gonna get him more attention than he is getting right now. If he doesn't like it, I'll stop, but I have a feeling he will be thanking me for it eventually...honestly, how many people have room mates that WANT to get sexiled?
ok, so after a couple of spins, i've fallen in love with the new Motion City Soundtrack album, absolutely genius. Worker Bee, Pulp Fiction, Delirium, Hysteria...there are no bad songs!
That said, I guess it's only fitting that as I have discovered such a brutally honest record, I have to be brutally honest with myself. I really have no clue what I want. Sure, having a plan is great and everything, but nothing really matches going through life and rolling with the punches, enjoying the fast times for what they are, just living it up for as long as I can. Is it healthy? Who knows. Don't really care though, truth is I think I'm in love with crashing. Feeling the wind rushing through my hair, that moment of panic where I know I'm gonna hit rock bottom, oblivion, then picking myself up again. If things were ever different, I don't think I would know how to handle it. Whether it's sitting there writing terrible songs in an old notebook or hugging a toilet bowl wishing I was dead, the joy of recovery far outweighs the resignation of crashing. It's an awful cycle, but I'm okay with it.
Confusion. Funny word, the first thing I think of after I think confusion is Confucius...from an unwise word to a wise man, where is the connection? Anyway, all wordplay aside, I am very very confused. I am not at all sure what I want from life at the moment. The moment I think that I have completely come to terms with my single life, I start thinking what life would be like with a new girlfriend. Several candidates come to mind, but I am not at all sure what to do to pursue any of them. One of them would be the easy and safe option, but would my friends ever forgive me? She is cool and funny, and I enjoy being around her, but she used to crush hard on my room mate, would he understand? Another one is a girl that I feel incredibly attracted to who just seemed to notice my existence a few weeks ago. I feel like she is one of the most beautiful, most amazing girls I have ever met, but I just don't know if she feels that way about me. And finally we come to the ubiquitous party girl. I have seen her at all of the parties that I have gone to in the last seven weekends, and we always talk. We can never remember each others' names, but we remember what we talked about, and last time I even danced with her...and oh, what a dance it was. Never had a hotter dance. So what on earth should I do? I seem to be doing just fine being single and juggling all three, but I can't feel like this was what I am meant for. Which one should I go for?
I can't believe that the term is over for me! A few more hours and I will be on a plane home, where I can relax for a while and not worry about schoolwork, a job, or the fact that my room mate likes to web chat and flirt with girls that aren't even legal >_>. But that's not the point-the point is that I don't think i NR'd any classes this term, and that even though my personal life is kind of a mess, I am finding that being single fits me well, and it's definitely in my mood spectrum to be outgoing and adventurous right now. I guess that's why I am also putting energy into finding a girl for my room mate that IS into college girls. People....
Nobody is joking when they say that this is the longest term of the year. 7 weeks never seemed so long. But I don't really think I started noticing how shot to shit things were until I started having trouble with my room mates. One seems to be an insufferable douchebag since this girl told him that she could never love him. The other one is unintentionally attracting the proverbial girl next door that I would love to be with. Of course she's one of many girls I would love to be with, I am so confused about what I want. But I think that my hate for Cterm came to a crescendo tonight when I went to dinner with the "girl next door" and my whole floor, after telling her that my room mate only sees her as a friend, nothing more (which he does). I sat next to her during dinner, and found that I had nothing to say. Is there anything more depressing? I don't know, but I'm sure that I will find out whether I want to or not.
The last thing I'll ever write for you:
Sympathy doesn't fit me so well as the thought of you dying alone, but we're dying together. I find that I'm burning with things to say, but not to you. We don't spark like we used to; you were the last vestige of me clinging to high school, but I let you go for a good reason. You left a bad taste in my mouth, and it's apparent that nothing has changed since we last spoke. I still feel like talking to you is like walking the plank and I wish it wasn't like that but I'm walking on broken glass to meet you halfway and you keep breaking bottles. I want to feel the warmth and goodness that comes from young love, but not with you. This is me leaving you standing in the rain just like last time, only this time it's for good.
For someone new:
We both know where I want to be but that's too bad for both of us because I can't tell me to tell you and you won't tell me that there's no room for me in your heart and you're afraid of the look in my eyes when you grab my heart and twist and I'm already defeated by the look in your eyes that says I don't have a chance. I don't regret a minute I've spent chasing after you, and I think I've got another couple of miles if you can still hesitate. And I know it's far too late I never knew something could be over before it ever started but it's clear that you see right through me. I make you laugh and maybe blush a little, but you will never think of me in that way. That smile will never be for me and I'll never see that look in your eyes, but I'll go for you with everything I've got because I never learn. Nothing I know ever changes me, even though I know this will only end in disappointment and exhaustion. I'm dreading that moment, but I'm rushing towards it with all of my best intentions.
Ok, well last time I said I would tell the story of me and my newest ex-girlfriend...so here it goes.
I met her when I was making my attempt at doing a social activity not involving playing music (this pleases the parental units greatly) in a bowling alley, where she commented that since I was a good bowler I must in fact be gay. This intrigued me enough to talk to her some more and decide that not only was she attractive, she also made me laugh. A lot. So when we returned to boarding school in January, we kept talking until one night she finally asked me point blank during a text conversation "Do you have feelings for anybody in school?" After consulting my friends, and receiving useless help ("Tell her you want to do Ms. Black!", "Ask her if you can fuck her with a rake!", etc), I finally posed the reply "What would you do if I said that I have feelings for you?". She responded "I would probably admit to you that I've liked you since the moment I saw you." And things went from there. After getting a rocky start, being off and on for a month or so, we became on of the most stable couples in the school. Things were going swell until we hit a rather large snag-my parents hated her. Naturally, we went to a boarding school, so that didn't stop us. We kept seeing each other, and things began to get really serious. I was very up front about the fact that, with me being a senior and her a junior, there was going to be a rather large snag when I left at the end of the year, mainly that I would be returning stateside, and she would be remaining overseas to finish school. She said that it didn't bother her one bit, that she wanted to stay together. This even continued to the point of her stating that she wanted to marry me, and have my children. As you can imagine, me being pretty damned in love with her, this made me sooo happy. So we lived on in this way, happier with each other than we'd ever been with anybody else. Then the 4th of July happened. We both attended the celebration in our town, intending to meet up with friends and meet some new arrivals. Prior to going, I had learned that one of the guys we would be meeting was a homosexual. My girlfriend had no clue. You can imagine my surprise when she ditched me early on in the night to intensely hit on him, to my consternation and his distress. Afterwards, she stated that she had guessed at his orientation and was fascinated by him. I had reservations, but I didn't press the issue. We dated right up until the time of my departure, when we said that our goodbyes weren't really goodbyes, cause we'd be together forever. I flew back stateside, set up my new house, and eventually moved into my dorm at college. During this period I would message her daily, just to make her feel like she was still just as big a part of my life as she was when we were physically together. However, this was not reciprocated at all. After time, the messages slowed, became more vague, then eventually became vehicles for her to talk about this character named "Charlie", who had amazing hair, and an awesome car, etc. Eventually she stopped telling me that she loved me. This only made me redouble my efforts to remind her why she had fallen in love with me in the first place. This fell on deaf ears obviously, as I started getting messages from her friends asking if we had broken up, cause they had seen her with other guys. Then one day, I talked to her sister, who explained that "Although she didn't really want to have this conversation, we really need to talk". I couldn't reach her on her phone, so I was forced to break up with her in a message. I was very sincere in explaining that I didn't want to break up, but it was obvious that she was not as committed to our relationship as I was. Her response: "Oh well." Not even two days later, she changed her facebook information from being in a relationship with me to being in a relationship with "Charlie". I did promise to be friends with her, however, every time we talk now, I become so frustrated at how much she has changed since we were together. So I'm left here now, in a college with a roughly 8:1 boy/girl ratio, alone and frustrated. She has moved between boyfriends like a human bullet train on speed, and still seems intent on saying things both to me and ambiguously on facebook that are designed to poke holes in my self esteem. And sadly, it's working. All my friends have given their best efforts to pick me up from this, and I love them more than they know, but they can only do so much. So that is it. That's the story. I'm really tired now, I can't process any question or stupid shit like that at this point, I just want to her to either want me back or get the fuck out of my head.
Okay, so I missed a post yesterday because I spent half the night talking to an ex from yeeears ago, who i also spent most of tonight talking to coincidentally...i haven't spoken to her in a very long time, and i expected our conversation to be pretty monumentally awkward. Surprisingly...it wasn't! We reconnected just like we used to all those years ago when we were together! Don't misunderstand, she is now very happy with a boyfriend, and I couldn't be happier for them. But all this talking to her has made me not only revisit my past memories of her, but also wonder about my latest ex: will I being going through the same thing with her years from now? There is a part of me that thinks its not worth the shit I will go through just to talk to this girl, but the part of me that still loves her and harbors hopes of winning her back is fighting back with absolutely no credibility...but is putting up just enough of a fight to make me listen. I suppose it doesn't make much sense without explaining what happened between us, but I am just too drained and too strung out to tell it properly...so the question this time is: What is it that makes us want something we can't have?