Here I am, up late again, stupid fucking pills...this is a bad habit, i'm so glad i can never take those again in a few days...anyway, so the topic today i think is self-improvement: this whole new year/new decade thing really started to hit me today, i really think that fresh starts are possible if you keep yourself in the right mindset. so with that in mind i set about figuring out the parts of my life that I really want to change, and this is what I came up with: I really want to get better at the guitar, but i don't have the cash to pony up for lessons. my solution? I will practice an hour everyday with various skills and rudiments. I also want to get better grades. I mean, hell, if me and my parents are paying for me to go to college, I may as well get the best damned grades that I can right? so that means studying more. And lastly, I gotta get past this shit with my ex. She is halfway around the world now, is fucking another guy, and probably never thinks about me anyway, so there is no reason to be wasting my time on her when there is a whole world out there waiting to be discovered. So now I'm thinking to myself: man. those are three pretty hefty goals...hope you have the resolve for those! good luck with that! i know that i can do it, i just need someone to push me in the right direction. But that's the problem, that you can't really trust anybody now. Right when you think you know somebody, they come out with something that surprises the hell out of you so much that you wonder if you ever really knew them at all. If people were as good at solving problems as they were at pretending to be something they're not, we'd all be flying around on mechanical wings shitting rainbows and singing to our pet butterflies. Shit. Sometimes I gotta wonder why we even bother. If it wasn't for trying to be something, we wouldn't know how the hell to act. Nobody knows who they are anymore. Nobody stops to look at themselves and say "Wait! Stop with the trends and the radio and the magazine! What do I like? What do I want from life?" Nope, they just submit to the medication the world is feeding us. A friend today taught me the term weeaboo...apparently a slang term for someone who tries to assimilate themselves into the Japanese culture when they are white as snow...and apparently it describes my ex to the T. We even have words for people that try to be something they are not, shouldn't this discourage people from doing it? Nope. they wear it like a badge of fucking honor. Straight from the twitter "Oh, nobody in England knows how to style scene hair! Help me!" Maybe they don't know how to style scene hair because you call it scene hair!?!? It's just a fucking name! If you went to someone and said, "I want you to do this to my hair." maybe they would do it! And now I have just gone on an incohesive rant for reasons that are beyond me, so I'm just gonna end here while I still have a bit of thought process. But as always, I'll end on a question: What were your new year's resolutions? and Do you have any advice for how I can follow through with mine?
Ok, so its late, i should really be asleep but my meds are keeping me awake, damned things...
So i decided to start a blog, not really in the hopes that anybody would read it but just to keep myself amused until my eyelids begin to get heavy. That said, I think my first topic is gonna be the girl that I can't move on from.
Now before I start ranting, I should probably say that I should have moved on a long time ago, and that this rant in itself is sad and probably shows a great immaturity on my part...but it should also be said that I loved her very much and treated her like a queen.
So I'm riding in my car today, when the song 'After the Last Midtown Show' by The Academy Is... pops up on my shuffle. Not having listened to it since the initial release of the album (prior to even dating Satan) it began to take on a whole new meaning for me, and I began to identify with it very much. This sent me on a cascade of memories, listening to songs we used to listen to together, and remembering the good times and all that stuff. Now, this isn't the first time that this has happened since she cheated on me, and it certainly wasn't the worst in terms of feeling bad...but it was still legitimately annoying. Now, I am all about the nostalgia and looking back fondly on old times, but when I have trips like that, I only come away wanting her more. Given that she cheated on me and never admitted it (her sister ratted her out to me) I probably shouldn't feel this way. But she was my world, I gave up more for her than she ever knew, and dammit, I feel like that should have counted for something. But such is the world, which brings me to my next point: why on Earth do people cheat? It just rips apart the life of the person who has been cheated on, and brings them into a whole world of self doubt. Now I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but months have passed and I am STILL an emotional trianwreck!?! Oh, for the love of all that is holy, I am just gonna go to bed before I write something I can't take back. But before I do go to bed, I pose a question for anybody who has ever cheated: Did you have a good time, or were you thinking about the person you were hurting the whole time?