So, it's been quite a while since I've written in this. I guess I'm not really much for blogging. A lot of things have changed in my life, some of which I'm scared about, some of which I'm extremely excited about.
A few years ago, I moved to Baltimore in hopes of finding myself. I grew up in small town Florida, but the older I got, the bigger the city I found myself in. I had a lot of things going for me, and but even more working against me. I sometimes second guess my decision to leave what I had, especially knowing what I know now, but I'm glad that I did. The truth of the matter is, I did find myself. I also found an amazing set of friends, a companion, and living arrangements that I wouldn't trade for the world.
However, I am at a crossroads.
Here I am, sitting at my desk, 'living' on a mountain, in southern California (we will use the term living loosely, because this is only somewhat temporary). I'm currently working for a company that I wholeheartedly believe in more than anything, and surrounded by people that I absolutely love being with. California is everything I thought it was, and to say I love it is an understatement. I feel like this should be a no brainer. There is a part of me that wants to go back to Baltimore, pack my bags, and wave goodbye.
But see then... I get to thinking. What DO I really want to do? Where do I really want to be?
Right after my mother died, I had to really do some soul searching on what my next step was going to be. To be honest, I was pretty certain that my future involved moving back to Florida. It has been in my head constantly since. As much as I wanted to get away, I feel like I am a little more mature, and can really appreciate the opportunities that Florida has for me. It also helps that there has been a firm agreement with my family that they will put their best effort into NOT making me damage control and head babysitter, everytime something goes unplanned. As much as I want to do anything I can to help my family, it really messes me up emotionally when everytime something happens, I have to play mediator, middle man, or constant caregiver. It also makes it impossible to keep a job, an apartment, and control of my life, when I am obligated to be in control of someone elses. But anyways... I'm getting off topic.
I miss Florida. Everytime I go back, it hurts more and more to go. This year especially, I have found myself trying to find every excuse to be there. You hometown kids are laughing, because you know it's true. But then I get back to Baltimore, and I never want to leave. The people are what make Baltimore feel like home. I mean, hell-- I'm having my wedding there.
I guess the question is, what is next?
Well. I guess I will just have to figure that out.
It seemed fitting. Things are getting better. I think. Tuesday, Mike and I are getting the NC issue taken care of. What a sigh of relief. On Wednesday, the tests for my awesome health 'hiccup' (my doctor called it that, I found it humorous in light of the situation) come back Wednesday, and I will be back to driving by Friday hopefully. I can't go to Bamboozle until Sunday, and that is if I can drive up there. If not, well... here's to TREO and TSL's last shows. Both bands had a time and a place in my heart, and for that, they will always make me smile. As for being back on the road, it may not be in the cards right now, but I'm not throwing in the towel yet. I'm stubborn, I don't give up that easy.
I am going to go down to Annapolis now, and have the best pizza ever with the best dudes a girl could ask for. Here's to things looking up.
i have so many questions i want to ask you...
why did you go back to florida when i left?
why are we never emotionally at the right place at the right time?
can i see you soon?
when will things turn right?
can we be okay?
how bad did i mess this up?
i miss you. a lot.
today i found out that someone very close to me is probably going to die very soon.
I don't really know how to handle the situation, and I haven't told anyone yet.
I'm not sure I want to tell anyone, judging by my reaction just writing this. I can feel the tears already.
I'm a big baby, ya know. These last few months have been really hard for me,
I should be able to handle one more obstacle thrown at me. Who the hell am I kidding?
few months? two years.
I just don't know. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone.
I don't really like talking to people about my issues, and the people that i trust enough to tell?
well... they have their own problems. the last thing they need is my petty nothingness.
i'm really scared at the moment.
i really want to scream.
my heart hurts so bad.
I feel sick. I hate how i've been feeling lately.
I'm not happy.
My career doesn't exist. No one needs any tour support.
I love someone who doesn't give two shits about me.
My mother's sick and I don't know what to do about it.
I need out of Florida but i'm realizing now that I don't have money and I don'tknow how i'm gonna do this.
I don't want to go home.
I hate this.
I just want to be on tour, doing my dream job.
I wish I was good enough for him.
in reality, i've had 6 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours. It's felt like 1 big day, with a few quick power naps.
I'm wide awake. I don't really get it.
In a week, my entire life is going to 180 and I am going to be so happy.
I have never anticipated something so much in my life.
I can't stop smiling, and I don't want to either.
This feeling is incredible.
I hate florida, I hate so much in my life, but it's just voiding itself away and I am no longer caring.