lauren<3s music's Blog
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| the year of 23 |
Almost over. What a year. It has taken me all 23 years to finally be comfotable enough to say and mean I really don't give a fuck anymore.
Its fantastic. So is the boy bringing me drinks poolside. | | Tags: birthdays bitches |
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| one thing that stays mine |
Forward motion. It has taken a tremendous effort to achieve a single ounce of progress. Slowly it seems to gain momentum with one good thing leading to another.
I am surrounded by feelings of doubt and uneasiness. Nothing can ever be this good. It is supposed to be and then falls apart. Always.
I wish things were different. I wish I could pick up the phone and talk until the thoughts stopped. Funny how the person I have isn't the one I want. I miss that feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime my phone buzzes and how I knew it would all be fine.
I'm still waiting for fine. | |
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| boundaries |
I am not your friend.
I am not your lover.
I am not your family.
And you mean nothing to me anymore. | |
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| die young |
I see why its a popular option. You can live your whole life and not be anything more than an afterthought.
This year was supposed to be different. Its not. I don't know how fix it. | |
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| at least im known for something |
Let's get down to business now I'm saving myself the trouble in the end....
I'm slowly getting it together again. I can't wait to laugh in your fucking face. | |
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| Reincarnation |
I've rewrote and rechecked a thousand times
Licked it shut and said my goodbyes
The lines are perfectly written to break
Wide open this conclusion
And it feels like I've already been there
Sounds like I'm preaching the choir
If it looks like it won't work out
I'm the one, one full of doubt
I know that time wont change a thing
If we're all moving in slow motion
It's hard to catch up
When the world is weighing you down
And it feels like I've already been there
Sounds like I'm preaching the choir
If it looks like it won't work out
I'm the one
I'm confused
Don't know what I should do now
You, you could lose everything close to you
Tell me how does this feel
You could have had it all and didn't even care. Today, I stop caring. Go fuck yourself.
It feels really god damn good.
| | Tags: fresh starts |
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| welcome to my life |
Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could stand motionless on the edge of a very steep cliff? Make no decisions just let the wind deicde your fate...
Try having one of those years. | |
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| 16 held such better days |
adam's song was one of the first songs that really made me think back in the day. it came on today while i was driving and it always makes me feel like i'm not alone. maybe there are plenty of other people who look back and look forward and wonder where happiness will land.
some days i wish i was stronger and some i wish i were weaker.
yesterday, i passed a funeral procession and we all stopped to let them go. my first thought was of this summer. my second thought was damn, i don't know who would even come to miine. who would even miss me enough to notice?
actions speak louder than words. | | Tags: blink, suicide, thoughts, friendship, funerals, missing people |
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| are you real to me? |
i measure my friends by how many times they've stabbed me in the back. people never fail to surprise me at how fucked up they can be, but it sure is pretty god damn disappointing. i would respect more people who are up front with their asshole tendencies, don't try to disguise it as "clever" or "witty" and say what they're about, what they'll stick around for and call it a day.
drinking at 11:30 on a saturday morning is the surefire way to pick up my mood. or pick up old habits. either or sounds pretty fucking appealing right now. | | Tags: friendship or the lack thereof, honesty, liars, drinking |
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| all i see scares me |
this year was supposed to be it. the good year. the time where my life changed and i was happy again.
i don't know where that went. maybe its a quarter life crisis, maybe its me but i am back in the same holding pattern, only worse.
i listen to the same music on repeat for hours looking for solace and all i find is more questions. why can't i fix this, why do i still care?
in a way it amuses me because so many people here think i'm this very different version of myself. i wish i could be half the asshole that people thought i was. it would make things so much easier. i'm back at that point where things are so bad that i worry about driving because on bad days i just think this would be too easy it would look like your typical accident and no one would care. good days aren't much better than the bad anymore and i wonder why. nothing traumatic has happened this time, i'm not amidst a crisis i'm just in a holding pattern. i wish someone could tell me what would make me see straight again or something there seem to be no answers. and that is fucking terrifying.
people say happiness comes when you aren't looking for it. i'm afraid to give up, but trying hasn't put me any further ahead. for once i don't have the answer or any answers for that matter and i'm completely lost. what the fuck do i do? | |
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| countdown to clarity |
15 days until what will be one of the greatest experiences of my life. Can not wait for this. Its so strange how some people just get it and others really don't understand why I'm willing to do the things I do for music. I feel sorry for people who can't be moved the way so many of us are. We really are lucky.
If you're headed to 930 come say hi. This time on the 24th I'll be waiting for doors. Yay | | Tags: jimmy eat world, clarity tour 930 club, makes epic look like an understatement |
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