When I graduated high school. I had already toured a few times. By the time I was 20, I had bullshitted my way into other countries. I had seen a ton and experienced more, and drank my way through experiences that I will never forget.
Then what happened?
Just as we stopped playing, my personal life fell apart. At that point, I had made a decision. I felt like I had experienced enough in life, and I hated everyone. So I sequestered myself from everyone, hanging out on the internet. I kept telling myself I'd go back to college, but I was so depressed I didn't want to go. I had missed times of being in a band, but I was terrible at writing alone.
I up and went to Colorado, but not the pine trees and snow colorado. The desolate western slope of the colorado desert. Everything out there is dead. It didn't necessarily help my situation and outlook on everything. I had my 21st birthday in Colorado, and after a spat with my mom's current spouse, it was either him or me. She didn't choose him.
But I chose what was good for me.
My depression was at an all time low in colorado, and moving back to California was the best plan. I thought that maybe moving to my hometown of Stockton would give me some familiarity. It did give me comfort, as I worked in a restaurant and paid off my credit card debts (debts I acquired from being a band) over the course of a year. As I kept on, 2 more years had passed. I'm 24, I paid off my credit card debts 2 freaking years ago. What am I still doing? Why am I not moving on in my life?
I was still staunch in my stance that I had experienced enough. And as of a few months ago, I'm not okay with that anymore. I want to experience more. I need to get up and do something with my life. Now that my plans are set, I feel like some of my depression is going away. In the wake of that, I've seen all I've done since I've started and I'm not proud of myself. To anyone I've hurt, I'm sorry.
I'm moving to the Sonoma area soon, and I haven't been this excited in a long time. Gonna go to school, and work on things again. I've wasted so much time, and I can't anymore. I urge you to not waste your time either.
We are our only saviors, we're gonna build something this summer.
This is the kind of song that takes 20+ years to make for a band like this. The songwriting is simple, yet effective. I mean, it's easy to put a couple of chords together and throw some words over it. But to do it EFFECTIVELY, that's something else altogether. Every album this band makes is better than the last. For as long of a career as this band has had, that's saying something.
Electronics in music is bad. While there are MANY good bands that use electronic elements, the bad far outweighs the good. It's so much easier to make music with programs rather than instruments.
It's awesome when you see bands like underOATH whom mix electronic equipment and sounds with powerful live instruments. What bands like that do is a wonderful thing. But there are the people in this scene who just want to fucking ruin it for everyone.
Cool, you have fruity loops. Doesn't mean you have to use them. I don't want to hear about that chick you fucked last night because you auto tuned your voice and sang a song you made up (With naive girl attracting buzzwords in it) called "OMGZ we belong together".
When I hear your shitty emo rap/Electronica pop with bad outfits/whatever all I hear is "I'm a walking talking cock who auto tunes and sings songs so I can date rape." What are you hiding behind all that makeup?
Someone who will never be comfortable with who they are? Don't worry, with all that makeup on (that you claim is "expressing yourself" even though you wouldn't be caught dead wearing it around at home) the young girls you fuck can't see who you really are anyways.
Or maybe they can. You put on a bunch of makeup in order to entertain a bunch of young kids and hide the fact that you're a sad, pathetic man inside who desires acceptance in the most irrational ways possible. So you're literally a hired clown. People pay you to entertain them. You're just a clown that traumatizes children.
And lastly, don't tell me you're like Davey Havok or Robert Smith. You're doing it so 17 year olds that lie about their age can suck your dick.
Bring Me The Horizon - That album with the really long fucking name that is actually shorter than the statement I'm writing instead.
I know what you're thinkin. "But Ryan, WTF. I thought you hated scene bands!?" That's true, I do. But this band has decided they wanted to branch out further into legitimacy by making quality music. And this music is ridiculously intense. So intense, scene girls will not understand and automatically call singer Oli Sykes "Deep and super intelligent" because they don't understand the lyrics whatsoever. This is really more about the fantastic musicianship and overall raw emotion that makes up the whole rather than the little parts you are inevitably going to pick apart and complain about.
Close your eyes and pretend it's a completely different band if you have to, as long as you enjoy it. The song is "Crucify Me" and it's an excellent example of what one of the awful bands COULD have done by combining programming with extremely heavy music instead of creating the audio equivalent of sex with a toaster:
Crucify Me (ft. Lights)
Fake Problems - Real Ghosts Caught on Tape
This album is the antithesis of the album previously stated. It is a beautiful slice of American Rock and Roll, with tracks that will make you wistful and happy, and tracks that will make your booty shake. If you've been following Fake Problems as long as I have, you'll really how fucking amazing everyone sounds in this band now. Musicianship and Vocals take center stage, with insightful and sometimes nostalgic lyrics that bounce around in your head long after you've turned your ipod off.
I bring you two tracks of beautiful excellence. "ADT", which is a beautiful rock and roll track, with rolling drums and anthemic vocals backed with bright guitar tones (not to mention little lyrical gems "If confidence is key/Then I am locked out of the house"). Followed by "Ghost to Coast", which may perhaps be the finest 3 minutes Fake Problems has ever been spared. A quiet yet haunting track that wouldn't be out of place at a beach, staring out at the ocean. A complete departure from the rest of the album, it ends it with a smooth grace.
Silverware rolling. Yeah, favorite part of the night. They get to let me use my ipod while I do a monotonous task. Score!
New girl's first day. She wasn't new, she was actually a transfer, and she worked here a few years ago. Extremely lovely, almost devastatingly beautiful. Sitting across from her, rolling silverware. I took off the headphones and chatted. I'm not a jerk, I like to get to know people. She's extremely opinionated, that's okay though. People should be, people without them are no fun to talk to. The more I talk my mannerisms surface, I think nothing of it.
She stops me.
"Hey, I have a question for you." she said.
"Yeah?" I replied.
"Can you sit still for five minutes and be quiet? I mean, like without headphones or music or anything." she says, and I ask why. She didn't say it in a condescending or angry way whatsoever, it was out of sheer curiosity. "I'm trying to help, I want to see if you can."
For some reason I decide to comply. "Yeah, sure."
It took me back a little bit. Back when I was 12 and my psychiatrist asked me to do it. I didn't know why, then. Back then, I couldn't handle it. I would just start talking, maybe asking if my five minutes was up after 30 seconds passed. I started to try again, and I nearly burst into tears trying to clear my mind, I couldn't. As the years went by I still couldn't do it. I acted differently every time, but it was evident that it was something I couldn't do clearly. The doctor suggested medicine but my father refused, telling me I was fine the way I was and that there was nothing wrong. My mother agreed, but teared up behind closed doors. I used to hear her talk about me, about how she just wanted me to be better.
I agreed, I wanted to be better too.
Even now, for this girl, I couldn't. While I was rolling silverware, I was twitching profusely. To be alone with my thoughts was unbearable, unable to get my mind free. Eventually she told me to stop. She said if it was that bad I didn't have to, and I tried to convince her I'm not crazy. It feels like the same story all my life, telling people that there's nothing wrong with me when it looked so clear.
Then I reached for more silverware and she grabbed my wrist.
"You're shaking really badly."
"Really?" I said, and I pretended I didn't notice it. "That's weird."
It's not like it's something I didn't know most of my life. I shake, all the time. My hands can't stay still, ever since one of my friends pointed it out in 5th grade I couldn't stop thinking about it. Twenty times a day, I would put my hand in front of me and hold it there, hoping it wouldn't be shaking. I purposely ate healthy, kept away from drugs, if only for the sole bearing that I didn't want it to get worse. Mom would ask me how I was doing with that for years, but eventually gave up. She knew how it was.
At least 4 or 5 times a week someone notices it and tells me. I usually reply like I don't notice it, but I do.
All the dates I've been on, all the friends who I freaked out, was usually because they thought I was some kind of unstable crazy person. I'm not, I'm a normal guy! I always have been. I am a tad goofy sometimes, but aren't we all?
I do dream of the day that I can be confident enough to have that beautiful, awesome girlfriend.
But more so, I want to be normal. It's not like I'm not in the first place, but it's hard to be confident when you can't get it off your mind.