I literally can't do anything without getting bitched at..
I'm so hurt. How can you come at me like that? Accuse me of seeing someone. I'm so sad and depressed and hurt over us and you lose your temper and do that..? How would that show me that I should or would make me want to try and still be with you. We need to grow and learn and you completely regressed and showed me how big of an a hole you can be. I literally did nothing wrong.
Came up to Denver with my family to get away. From being sad, never doing anything, being depressed and hurt. Just to enjoy my trip and all in a matter of minutes you ruined it.
Saying all that fucked up shit. I don't want your stuff.. Then throw it out.. If I really meant that much go ahead. I get it. I can't argue with you over it. I kept your stuff. I'm not over it and haven't been, but you have this knack this weird skill of making shit up that's not true and believing it then yelling at me about it.. I can't win.
I do/did nothing wrong and this is still how I'm treated.
We aren't together yet I'm still loyal to you. My mind and heart. But idk why. I definitely don't love and care for all my ex's. Never have. Only one and you so I hope you're happy with yourself. For constantly trying to ruin what we have or could. It's like your job. You try to say the most hurtful things. And you succeed most the time.
Well I'm gonna try to salvage the rest of this vacation.
So.. found out these two bands, two of my favorite bands, Brand New being my favorite of all time finally decided to come to Abq, NM.
Not only are they coming, but they're coming together... and I got tickets. It sold out in under an hour.
I've been freaking out about it since it was announced about two weeks ago. Now that I finally have a ticket I can finally relax.
I would cry if I missed this show. But that isn't happening. I've only seen Brand New once back in 07'. Had to fly all the way to New Orleans for that show with Thrice. Was pretty amazing.
I've only seen Circa once... which was acoustic. Their last show here sold out as well.
I haven't been this stoked or excited on a show in ages. I don't care if I see another show all year. This is the end all be all.
I miss writing in this here blog. Too much has happened lately.
Finally finished my sleeve.. well I need to fill one more little spot on the back of my arm and it'll all be complete, but it's about 95% done.
It goes without saying that I love it. It's come together so good with the last bit I just added.
The most important things to me the things that impacted me the most. What I learned and grew from. Which I think is what tattoo's should mean and be about. Not just random crap.. but that's just my opinion.
I can't wait to see my girl on Wednesday. I'm flying her our here from Colorado for a long weekend. :) I miss her.
The day you realize you gave up everything because of nothing. I won't be there to make it better.
Gave up everything because of Instagram. Because I liked someone's pictures.
You hold that to the equivalent of me cheating? That is the most immature childish thing I have ever heard. After I went through and deleted pretty much everyone I didn't know last night.
I can't let you keep destroying me after I keep giving you pieces of me. Pieces I've never shown anyone. That are continuously thrown by the wayside.
You could teach a man how to survive, give them life, but the one time you misstep will out weigh everything that's come before. Like it meant nothing.
Yet here I am again at home because I can't even sit at my desk without welling up with frustration, anger, tears. I wanted and have given you everything, but you couldn't give me anything. Someone who grew up so privileged and in so many places, you'd think they'd have a better understanding. But it comes out and it's "me me me".
I didn't do anything wrong except like a few pictures that meant nothing to me. Images. Yet, I only showed you how much I loved you.
You did this to me again. You left me and said you were never coming back. But I was dumb enough to believe you loved me enough.
I don't want to see you in my dreams anymore. Every night since you left.
The reason everyone leaves is because you push them away. Yet I hadn't and was just waiting.
I must be a complete idiot to let the same person break my heart this many times..
I just laugh at my conversation with Devan from the other day. He asks me, "are you still seeing Amber, why don't you marry her?" My answer.. "Yeah, I am. I might, I want to, I love her a lot"
It just blows my fucking mind. It blows my mind how quickly shit changes. I'm done being hurt and destoryed. Now I'm just fucking pissed.
The thing that hurts the most is knowing they don't give a shit. Like nothing, like I was a feather in the wind. Passing in the breeze, meaningless.
But what's new. At this rate I don't want to date anymore, I don't want to be married. I hope and probably will be single until the day I die. Which is looking fine the more and more I try. Besides the divorce rate is above 50%, if not well above these days.
I just have so much to say that will never be heard. I'll keep it to myself as usual. You should know those melodies and songs I write were because of you, but you never thought about it or cared. You just thought it was music I was writing. It's one of the ways I would express my emotions or feelings, but you didn't see that. You just see things in black and white and not everyone or everything is black and white.
I showed it the best way I knew how. But it was never enough. I was never enough. You set me up for failure and I passed with flying colors.
I'm just gonna go hide away in my house until I can't worry about what you're doing constantly. Until miles separate us. I gave a part of myself to three people and each has wholey destroyed it. No wonder I'm becoming so bitter.
The only thing I hope is that I imprinted a part of myself on you. So when you see what we could have been you, realize what you lost. I didn't give this up. But I will abide by what has been placed in front of me. It was never about someone better it was about you and that being all I wanted..
It's the choices you make and don't make that define you. Not the will of someone who doesn't control your life.
I promised myself I'd stop writing these pathetic blogs.. But I have to get this off my chest. It's killing me.
I'm so tired of getting hurt. Simple. I've made my mistakes and I've grown and learned a lot in the last few years.. I've been going through some big changes lately.. I bought a house, I've become more positive, I've lost 37 pounds and counting. I was trying so hard to show you how much you meant to me. I know I'm not the best at it but when you claim to love someone so much and we have such a great time together. I could tell you were falling for me and I was for you even more. I know this is why you're pulling away now. You're scared. I get it. But I don't.
You were my rock. I'd constantly text you and tell you how much I missed and loved you. You think religion is such a big deal, well it is to you. And I accepted and loved that about you. I'm sorry I have yet to have that defining moment in my life to make me devote my whole life to a book. But I believe and I do the best I can, I show respect, tolerance. I live my life just how it's taught in the bible, without the bible. I don't need church to practice my faith. I have conversations with God on my own. So that shouldn't even be an issue.
To me all these are just excuses cause you'll be moving away soon. I wanted you to stay. With me and never leave. And now I don't know what I want. I'm almost counting down the days so I don't have to worry about who you're gonna see or what you're gonna do here.
You never see how much I care because you don't want to. You don't want to lose me. So you push me away constantly so you can't get close. That's not a good way to live your life or have a relationship with anyone.
We were how love is supposed to happen. Friends falling in love. Now it's gone.
Man I fall for the wrong people it seems. Everyone fucks up. Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is how much heart you have. How much love and faith and youd never give up on them. I'm just old fashioned. I'm loyal. I'm stubborn and an idiot but when I say what I want, when I tell you I love you take that to heart. Cause I don't say it to many people and I don't say it unless I mean it..
I guess I'll be back. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say..
So hurt. Man I have the worst luck. Last night into today has just been a shit show. I can't fucking wait to be off work and have the weekend to just lay in bed and hide from the world. I haven't been this down in a while.
They only break your heart.
I miss things I shouldn't anymore. People I shouldn't.
It's been a while since I've written something.. Always with the lulls.
Ehh, lets see.
Started my new job. It's pretty awesome and close to where I live so I'm saving gas and all kinds of money now. Saving up for a house. I'm loving proving everyone wrong.
Have about 3/4th of my sleeve done. It's coming out amazing and next comes the lighthouse. Alex is killing it.
Saw The Maine and Lydia last night.. Both bands absolutely sounded awesome. Suprised at how much the Maine have changed since last time I saw them. I've kept up with all their music just funny cause I hadn't seen them in years.
Lydia was amazing as always. Can't believe it's been almost exactly two years since I saw them last..
The generals. Maybe I'll write a meaningful blog soon haha.
I need to fix my laptop, my car, and a myriad of other shit.
List of songs I'm currently loving.
Drake - Furthest Thing
Drake - Worst Behavior
Search the City - One Last Lullaby
Search the City - Get a Grip
The Maine - Forever Halloween
The Maine - HAPPY
Circa Survive - Close Your Eyes to See
Seahaven - Head In the Sand
Stages and Stereos - Even Tides
Everyone check out the new Stages EP called Small Town Favorites. Its on iTunes and it's awesome. Totally worth the 4/5 bucks. Do it.