I'll admit, I am a bit high right now. Or just a bit buzzed.
Today was one of those days that just shouldn't have happened, like you could have been perfectly without it. I didn't have to work today, which made me ecstatic especially after yesterday but everything else today was lame, I probably would have enjoyed work more. As much as I cherish the time I spend with friends, I don't know how they do the same thing every day. Just sit around, play video games, smoke, watch tv and wait for me to buy them food. I don't know if I've said this in a previous blog and I'm not concerned enough to go and check but I don't mind buying things for any of my friends because they've all been nothing but nice to me however, I do mind being used for my money and people telling me how to spend my money. If I work for what I make then it is my decision, and only my decision, on how to I choose to spend it. Being the pushover that I am, I tend to let people influence my decision making but I hate it. I absolutely hate it.
Travis in particular, always tells me to give him money, complains about how I spend my money, and sometimes will only invite me somewhere because I have money. Like seriously, that's fucked up. I know, I'm stupid for sticking around but a part of me thinks that there is a real friendship between him and I, who knows though. Then there's Murphy, we kinda flirt sometimes. It's weird. I want him but at the same time, I don't. He just seems like he'd know how to satisfy me and I mean that in a completely physical way. Recently, my goal has been to find a boyfriend so for me to just want someone for the sake of wanting them seems contradictory. I have no idea what to do though, no opportunities have really come up. I have a feeling something will happen in July but that's if I even make it to the show, I doubt Chris even cares. Yeah, I'm still on him, lame I know but it is what it is.
Got my grades back from school (even though I'm only a part time student). Two A-'s and one B+. Not too shabby, I suppose. If I somehow magically end up at school next semester, I'll make sure my grades are all A's :).
The world is supposed to end in a few hours...are you excited? Or do you doubt that it's going to happen? I'm on the side of the doubters. From my minuscule amount of Bible knowledge, I'm pretty sure that humans cannot predict the end of the world and that's that. Not much more to be said on my part. lol I sound 'ignant'.
That's the other thing. I went to see Face to Face at Best Buy Theater this past Wednesday. Epic show. The opening band; The Darlings made me fall in love. Not only are all the band members undoubtedly sexy but they also have a style similar to Social Distortion, whom I adore. They had about a half hour/forty-five minute set and each song sounded great; lotta energy, good rhythm, and a smooth balance between the music and the singing. Did I mention that they were great eye candy too? They're from Cali and it was there first time to the East Coast, so they were excited. The second opening band was Cerebral Ballzy, a punk band from I don't even know where. The lead singer was ridiculous; it was obvious that he was on some type of hard drug and he just seemed like a dumbass. If you're into the stereotypical punk band, you'll definitely dig this band but if you aren't then they just come off as really untalented. But they do have two non-caucasian members, which is always a plus in my book. The third band was Strung Out, great performers but SO LOUD FOR NO REASON. They were the reason I woke up with my ears ringing. I thought they were a hardcore band, but they didn't seem to be. Just fast and furious, a bit sloppy but the energy of all the members made up for it. They were all up near the crowd, it was cute. Then Face to Face came on; they are incredible live but I did not like the lead singer, Trever Keith. He seemed really cocky which I understand because they've been together for about 20 years and they know that they're a great band but still, no need to be so full of yourself. It made his seemingly personal lyrics look like lyrics he wrote because the last words rhymed, not because he meant it.
Joe texted me back after a week saying "how are you?", I responded but of course he didn't answer. He's lucky he's gorgeous or else I'd hate him, hah just kidding. I really wish he would just answer though, make my life easier even though I never have much to say.
Alright, I'm dozing in and out of sleep. I think it's time I start heading to bed. Hope you have a nice night.
Thank you God. Thank you SO SO much.
I could not be fucking happier.
After everything that's gone down since Chris left, I was miserable. On my last leg (pun on spraining my ankle ;]) of patience with everyone and everything. I had accepted the fact that was and always would be a loner and given up trying to find a job, a friend, and a lover. Since then, things have gotten so much better and I'm ever so thankful to Karma, Fate, and God. I now have my first job, it's been about a month! So I have money in my pockets and damn does it feel good. I've gone to my first show alone as an 18 year old (Subhumans w/ MDC, Cojoba, and Death First) and I met one the most interesting people ever there. He invited me to the Anarchist Bookfair in NY and aside from me being able to see him in proper lighting and notice how gorgeous he was, I picked up some pamphlets and decided to become a vegetarian. I'm only two weeks in and I expect it will become harder as time goes on but I've had a good start. I've also given up smoking pot for the time being, just to help out my body. I know there are a ton vegetarians that smoke pot and that's cool, to each his own but my body deserves to be treated right for a while so I'm giving my lungs a break. Same for alcohol, my liver and kidneys need some chill time.
Now that I can walk again, I walk almost everywhere and savor every minute of it. I even went for a jog on Sunday (my body is severly sore...but it was TOTALLY worth it). Btw, I just saw the hottest chick on the bus, she was probably like a size 1. I'll never be a size one but I really hope I can get back into exercising and going to the gym so I can tone up. Ahh, my body is going to love me for the changes. I'm ridiculously happy.
I no longer speak to Chris at all. He ignores me, my texts, my calls, all 9 yards. And so I deleted him off of facebook and it felt good. Naturally, I still miss him and miss talking to him. But today I decided to listen to some of his music (something I haven't done in months) and I realized how fucking lucky I was to have lost my virginity to someone so fucking awesome (as a musician, not as a person). I'm really not even that attractive so to have been able to tap that, multiple times, makes me feel waaay too cool. He's playing in NY and NJ in July, best believe I'm going to at least one of them. I'm not even going to try and talk to him, I'm just going to enjoy his show. I heard he's great live so I'm stoked for that. See, if I work out enough I can be able to "woo" him and hopefully tap that again ;]. Haha, I kid I kid but in all honestly, I'm glad I can finally see him as a musician again instead of someone I used to have feelings for.
ALSO. Tonight I'm going to see Atmosphere in NY!!!!!! Now if I could tap that, my life would be complete. He's pretty fucking sexy, a bit aged, but that just makes him more manly. I'm sure it's going to be an awesome show and best part, I'm not going alone! My friend Geneva is coming along the only thing is that I might have to pay for her transportation. I already paid for half of her ticket and now her transpo. Keep in mind that I also paid for my ticket and I'll be paying for my own transpo...that's 35+18+16 which is give or take going to be 70 dollars. But as long as it works out well and we get there on time and we find a good place to stand, I'll be content.
Other than all this, I've been working on friendships. Last friday, I went to Liz's house because Travis invited me and it was like a little party. I took E for the first time (contradicts my health changes, I know) but it wasn't as intense or extreme as I was expecting. I just became more free and talkative. So I spoke with Jaimie and Sarah and Mike and everyone that was there. I had such a great time and everyone started talking about how shy I was when they first met me and how they thought I didn't talk lol. It was great. I exchanged numbers with Jaimie, she seems so fucking cool. I exchanged numbers with Eric, i've known him for so long but never had a conversation with him. I just hung out with Osama last night, he took me out to eat and I had a blast. We talked about everything and it was nice just to be open and honest and not have to worry about being judged. I hope I can become better friends with Jaimie and Liz and everyone that was there, then I can kinda have a crew. That'd be spectacular.
Again, I didn't think things would get this good and I'm so thankful that they did. If anyone besides myself actually reads this, I hope your life is fucking wonderful also. I mean, I haven't gotten laid since January, I haven't kissed someone since the beginning of the month but I wouldn't have it any other way. Now to just go shopping and change my look. and finish a paper that's like 3 weeks late. Awwww yeaaaah.
It pains me to read my earliest blog entries on here, I sound like an imbecile. Nowadays, I can't stand people who type like that. But reading that makes me feel like a complete hypocrite.
This blog (although I still treat it as a journal) is going to be short and sweet, like everything else in my life.
I give up trying with Chris. It makes no sense. One day he wants me, the next he doesn't. Even though there isn't anyone over here that I'm remotely interested in being with, I'd rather be alone than continue with this bullshit because that's all it really is.
On another note, today was a great day as far as school goes. I enjoyed both my Spanish and Psychology class tremendously and made sure to participate as much as I could. AND I finished The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy (it was taking me longer than it should have, it's a miniscule book). It's given me insight into the mindset of a person awaitng death. It's a very scary, terrible thing but it's inevitable for us all so it's important that we value what we have when we have it. For that reason alone, I don't understand how or why people treat other people in such a terrible manner. We were all born, we're all growing up, we all have been hurt, happy, confused, and we will all die someday. We're essentially more alike than we are different, so why can't we treat those around us the way that we ourselves want to be treated?
Honestly, I'm just tired of getting hurt. How much nicer can I be? When does it end?
I'm sure the answer to that is 'when you find a decent guy', but considering where I reside, that's more of a dream than a tangible possibility.
Travis has my Zune and he's had it for over a week now. I feel myself slowly deteriorating inside as the days go by. Music is what keeps me sane. Even though, this had opened the opportunity for me to read more, which is great. But I want music&books at the same time, not one without the other.
Well, I'm off to bed. Oh, but there's one more thing! I was going through my email accounts and reading through emails from 2007 and 2008 and I stumbled upon part of a song I wrote and there was this line that wasn't too great but it stood out. I figured I'd put it in this blog just for the hell of it, not like anyone besides myself is reading, right?
"So now you're closer to knowing who I truly am, a disappoint who really never gave a damn. And if karma wants to fight I'll put up my fist, but I'll still run just like I ran away from all of this."
Kinda nice for a 15 year old to write? I pat my past self on the back for that one. :)
Where do I even start?
[Don't read this. It's personal, repetitive, girly, and boring. Can't say I didn't warn ya.]
Well today was a sort of good day. I actually got a call back from one of the jobs I applied to, and I scheduled an interview for Wednesday so hopefully I get the job. On the other hand, I was late to my morning class and my teacher is anal about being late, he counts it as being absent. So, I've managed to get my first absence less than a month into the school semester. I'm on a fucking roll. I went to the gym again, worked out for a bit, I hope I keep up with it, it's helped me keep my mind off of things that I don't want to think about.
I keep saying that I want to better myself and stop with the weed and the drinking but once I realize how miserable I am, it all seems like the perfect solution. I planned to get piss drunk on Valentines Day, because I knew I wouldn't have a Valentine. But then Emilio randomly asked me if I wanted to be his, and I said "yes! of course". It's my first real Valentine, I'm excited. Of course, I wish Chris had asked me but I'm pretty much dead to Chris.
When I say that, I make it sound like it doesn't affect me but it's driving me insane. This has been going on for 3 weeks and I still can't get over it. I've been asked out, offered sexual favors, complimented, and nothing and I mean nothing has been able to get my mind off of him. I guess that's what happens when you lose your v-card. I thought sex was just sex, and it didn't necessarily involve any sort of emotional attachment but DAMN, I was wrong. How am I ever going to get over this? I know I need to move on but I don't feel comfortable with anyone else. I don't want to kiss anyone else, I don't want to be around anyone else, it just doesn't feel right. Maybe I'll magically wake up with amnesia one day and forget who Chris is and forget everything that ever happened. That's possible, right? :[
I've tried keeping myself busy; doing homework, exercising, smoking, drinking, reading, talking to other people but nothing seems to work. I wonder if therapy would help? I know what I need! To find a completely vacant place, like on a hill or something and just scream at the top of lungs everything that I'm feeling. Just let it allllll out. Catharsis at its finest. And then I should go find myself a new boy, who actually wants to date me and not just fool around, and then go on my merry way. That'd be nice. There was this ridiculously cute guy I saw on campus while I was trying to register for classes...I hope I see him again soon. He definitely seemed like my type.
I love imagining and day dreaming about what my perfect life would be. It seems so tangible sometimes. Who knows, maybe I will get that job and get over Chris, and see that guy on campus again. I guess I have to stay optimistic, right? Heh, we'll see how long this lasts.
Well, I've got some reading for my Intro to Psych class to catch up on. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their night. I'll be back to flood this blog with my misery soon enough ;]
It's afternoon but it feels pretty fucking early. There's so much going through my mind right now, about school, about finding a job, about my band, about guys and nothing has a simple answer.
A guy I went to high school with added me on Facebook yesterday, we were never friends or anything, hell; we never even talked but we were aware of each others existence. So I'm looking at his page and I see that he's in the navy and then I see that he's dating a girl I went to 5th grade with (who doesn't remember me at all, but we were hella good friends back then). So I'm gazing through his pictures and I notice that the pictures of him and this girl are from a ceremony...and they were cutting cake...and their families were there...they got married. Keep in mind that we just graduated from high school last June and this guy has already gotten married, his wife is already 8 months pregnant, and he's going to the navy. (The things you can learn from Facebook creepin', right?) But back to the point, how fucking crazy is that? I really didn't think people who went to the same high school really took such different roads after graduating but I guess it happens. I wish him the best though, he wasn't exactly the most responsible student in high school, he's probably cleaned his act up I mean, he is in the navy.
Next issue at hand is school. I did pretty well last semester, my GPA is like a 3.68 (which is better than what it was in high school) the only thing is I haven't even been able to pay off last semesters tuition. I'm fucking freaking out, cause there's no logical way that I'd be able to pay that off in time for next semester which begins the 18th. I guess the only thing I can do is to take out more loans...but I'm not even sure how that works. I've already taken out 2 HUGE loans and to take out MORE seems ridiculous, does it not? I was talking to Chris yesterday about it, and he basically told me, that if you can't pay it out of your pocket, that's really the only choice you have. He's right...and it sucks. My mother has continuously told me "not to worry about it" or that she'd "take care of it" but uhm...there's less than 2 weeks before the semester starts and nothing has been taken care of so I've decided to take the initiative and TAKE OUT ANOTHER FUCKING LOAN.Hooray! (not really)
Next issue, Chris. I kissed Travis last night (without out any real reason aside from loneliness). Okay, it was Travis's birthday yesterday and he's done nothing to celebrate it for the last 4 years or so and I hate when people don't enjoy their birthdays so I want to throw him a small party. At first he agreed, so I told him to call everyone and invite them then out of no where he decides he doesn't want to anymore and doesn't call anyone. So I was just like "whatever, I'll just bake you a cake and you can smoke and that'll be it". Travis lives in NY so he has to travel all the way over here so I made plans for the day and figured I'd just see him in the night. So I bake the cake and head out to see another one of my friends and we're chillin' and I get a phone call from Karla asking me where I am and what we're doing for Travis' birthday. I explain to her that I was going to throw him a party but he didn't want to, so I dropped the idea but she spends like 10 minutes going on and on about it and I'm like
"alright, when I get back home, I'll call you and we'll invite people and we'll see what happens". Long story short, we end up having a nice little party, lots of weed and cake (turned out delicious btw) and music. It was fun but really divided, but I didn't care I still had a nice time. But I miss Chris so fucking much, and Travis was there and...I was desperate for some lovin' ( I promise never to say that again) and so I texted him (classy as hell) and was like "can we make out?" and of course he said yes, so we sneaked around my basement a bit and proceeded with said actions. But it just made me realize that the only person I want to kiss is Chris. Don't get me wrong, Travis is a great kisser, but as soon as we started, in my head I was like "You're not Chris :[ and this doesn't feel right and I miss him" and then Chris's music started playing on my Zune. (coincidence? or irony?). Either way, it seems like Chris is losing interest in me, I can't say that I blame him but there goes another opportunity.
Finding a job isn't easy. Finding love isn't easy. Going back to school this semester, isn't going to be easy. Optimism has never seemed like such a far fetched concept.
Speaking of optimism, I'm reading Candide by Voltaire. Where each of the main characters go through Hell, the female character were once princesses who lost all they had, and were forced to watch their loved ones be killed on top of being raped numerous times. Candide gets kicked out of everywhere, gets flogged, beaten, gets treated terribly by almost everyone he comes in contact with and yet still holds onto the philosophy that this world is the best of all worlds. Every effect has a justified cause, good or bad. I don't understand how he continued to believe such a thing especially after all that had happened to him but maybe it'll serve as inspiration for me.
Things went further than I was expecting with Chris. I don't regret it, but I wish...it didn't happen on our first date. I'm suprised as hell he even wanted a second date. Does that mean he actually likes me? Fuck. I don't even know where to start. I mean, once you have sex with a person, what do they mean to you especially if you aren't dating?
I miss him, not for any physical reason, I miss his presence. He's the first guy I've ever slept in bed with and the first guy I've ever spent an entire 24 hours with. I don't want to get attached, I had no intention of getting attached but apparently I'm losing that battle as well.
I feel stupid. I've rejected guys I've known better and longer, but then I go on my first legit and then BAM, it happens. after 18 years. over a month after my birthday. My first real kiss since October. the last person i'll probably kiss for 2010. -_-
What do I do?
I mean, I like him but he doesn't even live in this state, he's only here for a few weeks and after that, he'll be gone. I know I can't take back what's already happened but I just don't know where to go from here. He doesn't baby me like most guys, which makes it all the more confusing cause I don't have the slightest clue how he feels about me, you know? "Just ask him" is what my best friend said to do, but I feel as though that isn't something I should have to ask about.
The last...2 times I've asked a guy about what we "were", I've gotten answers that I didn't want. Even though I've become a bit numb to rejection and disappointment doesn't mean I look to get hurt. Also, I know that if I do ask and get the answer I don't want, that'll be the end of whatever it was we had cause he'll feel bad/awkward and so will I. I can't do this.
Look's like the last time I wrote a blog was around the same time but a year ago lol . Ah, it feels as if it's been a decade, but uh yeah. So how's everyone doing? Doubt i'll get any replies, but anywho.
I've been in a relationship for the past 10 and a half months, we've had so many great times, but recently, it's been quite a few really bad times. Now, I know, teenagers don't know "real" love and what not, but I fell for this guy, soo badly, and I don't regret it.....yet. That's the thing, I'm not one for relationships, I prefer a casual hook up here and there, but when I got into this relationship, all that seemed ridiculous. This guy has become my best friend, knows me inside out, he knows how to deal with me (which many people do not), he knows what to do and what to say. BUT ever since last friday, things went down, down, down. First, we got into a conversation about the future, and you know what he told me? That he was going to marry a puerto rican chick. I've got nothing against puerto rican girls, they're beautiful! BUT I'M NOT PUERTO RICAN, WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT!! Like seriously, what the hell? How am I supposed to react to that? Am I supposed to say "yeah! you do that! thats a great idea! cause theres no way in hell you'll ever marry me right!" And like i said before, I'm not one for relationships, mainly because of commitment, and trust, and self-esteem issues, but what he said, broke my heart. I sat there for like a good 10 minutes, just trying to figure out WHY i was so broken hearted, I mean, I'm usually a very realistic person, so I don't believe in forever, but he changed that for me. He made me believe that forever was tangible, and to hear him say, "i'm gonna marry a puerto rican chick" was like a slap in the face. And it made me think, why did I ever even begin to believe something could last forever, why did I even fall for him, if he knows he's not going to marry me. It just hurt so bad, I've never hurt like that because of a guy I was dating, nothing ever bothered me that much. THEN, on sunday, he gave away the skateboard I bought him for his birthday. I don't have a job, I don't earn money, that was my birthday money and money I saved by eating as cheaply as possible. I went to go get that board BY MYSELF, AT NIGHT, IN ANOTHER CITY, and he's gonna turn around and give it away like that? What the hell!!? Slap number two, which also hurt a lot, but I didnt say anything. And yesterday, yesterday we were on the topic of true love, and he said " i don't believe in it, i don't believe there's just one right person out there for you, you can find other people with the same traits or you can find people with different traits that you love." Now, in whatever way he meant that, I'm not sure, but the way I took it was this, "There will be other people, maybe just like you or different, and I'll love them too, you aren't the only one." Just another slap in the face....
Well now my face is all slapped up, hope he's happy, cause I sure am. I'm happy that I know now to not be a stupid girl and that forever doesn't last, and true love doesn't exist, and don't fall for anyone who isn't gonna catch you cause he's busy waiting to marry some other chick.
This week, has been a strange one. I have a skateboard teacher, this local skater kid Josh. And he's an awesome dude, he really is and i'll admit I liked him the first time I met him. But now I know that in itself was a HUGE mistake. See, we hung out like 5 or 6 times in the past two weeks. That doesnt sound like a lot, but during each of those 5 or 6 time we spent HOURS together. I don't think I've ever spent so much time with one person without sleeping over at their house or something. But anywho, the fourth time we hung out and skated, the weather was crappy so we ended up sitting on his best friend/guitarist Carlos' front steps as Josh sang in front of me. (Josh and the Carlos are bandmates, and they actually weren't half bad) When his friend went to get his guitar some how Josh and I got on the topic of love and he started telling me about his ex-girlfriend and how he loved her, and he asked me who I liked and I didn't answer because I liked him but I didn't know if it was such a smart idea to tell him. But then Carlos came back with the guitar and we ended our conversation. After about 30 min of listening to them play, the weather cleared up and Josh said "Let's go for a walk" and I said "sure" thinking he was reffering to both Carlos and myself but apparently it was only to me lol. So, we started walking, and he brought the topic AGAIN. He told me He was suprised that I was single, and that he liked me a lot but he was afraid to ask me out because he thought I'd do the same thing as all his ex-girlfriends (whatever thats supposed to mean). And I told him I liked him a lot too, and we talked about when we started liking each other and everything. And basically by the time we stopped walking and went back to his house, we were "together" and he told me "Don't break my heart, from now on your my everything and I'm your skate teacher and your boyfriend" and all these other nice things. I felt kinda special but not for long. Two days later he breaks up with OVER THE INTERNET saying "Ur awesome just not ready 4 a relationship". As if he couldnt CALL ME to tell me that or do it IN PERSON. It doesn't end there though, so yesterday, I'm hanging with Oz and Tony and we walk down Josh's block. Lo and behold, Josh himself is there! lol And HE won't talk or look at ME. And im like "Shouldn't I not be talking or even looking at him? I mean, he was the one that broke up with me, shouldn't I be pissed off?" to Oz and he's like "Yeah, you really should, but he's a weird dude" . So time goes on, I end up sitting on Carlos' steps with Tony while Oz is skateboarding, Josh is across the street and Carlos is in his garage. Then, I see Josh flirting with this chick and in my head im like "You have got to be kidding me. He is NOT flirting with some chick RIGHT in front of my face." I know he knew I was RIGHT there, and it was NOT necessary for him to do that. So I got pissed off and started walking away extremely fast, talking and cursing to myself,(which later turned into crying, of course) And Oz and Tony run after me and try and comfort me but it really wasnt working. So I run to church and my friend Skyler comforts me, and I stop crying and then me and Oz head back out and go to his house. As we're walking back to church from his house, Josh comes out of no where to talk to Oz and he's still not looking or talking to me and so I'm like "I'm standing right here you can talk to me" and after 2 minutes of that we end up talking alone. He tells me he still likes me, and loves me, but he isnt ready for a relationship but maybe we could be something more in the future. And i was happy about that. Later on, i check his myspace, he's got another girlfriend.
It's been a while since I've actually taken out the time to sit here and write about my life. I guess it's because I've been lazy among other things. Recently, I've gotten into learning. I know it sound's kind of dumb. But i'm completely serious. I never knew what learning was up until a few months ago; and now that I do, I think it's amazing. I don't get how people choose to stay so ignorant and uneducated when there's so much out there to find out. I guess technology not only took our attention spans, but it also took our learning interest. Now a days, everyone's on their cellphones. I can't explain how annoyed I get when I go out to dinner with a couple friends and they spend the entire night speaking to their significant other instead of conversing with me, when I am sitting right in front of them. I'm pretty sure they could talk to their lover ANY OTHER TIME, but they always choose to do it when they go out with friends. How nice.
Another thing, I don't mean to generalize; but this up and coming generation is going to bring hell. I mean that sincerely. Look at who their parents are. A bunch of dumb teenagers who were busy opening their legs to realize they should be opening their minds. And it's true, bad behavior is usually a product of bad parenting. So if anyone is to blame, it's the parents, who shouldn't be having kids in the first place. My friend, who's only 16, just got pregnant and had to get an abortion. I felt so bad but when i thought about I got angry. I just thought "Why didn't she just keep her legs closed? All this would have been avoided...and that jerkface of an ex-boyfriend who helped her get this way can't do a darn thing, he doesn't even have a job!"
I also hate it when people my age or a bit younger, brag about beating someone up. And when i actually see someone get beat up, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I can't help them and it breaks my heart because they probably don't deserve it. Oh because someone insulted the gang your in, your obligated to get your goonies and attempt to beat them half to death? I think not. I think they fight as cowards. And verbal fights? The only reason people resort to cursing someone out is because they can't tell them off professionally, so they instinctively go back to the use of ignorant vocabulary. See, I am bad at explaining things, so when I try and get my opinion heard, I come off as an idiot. I really have to get better at that because I've got waaaay to much to say :] and im so glad about it. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. I wish this generation would realize it before it's too late.
This morning my guinea pig Nina passed away. And just this past Thursday, a lady I've known virtually all my life passed away as well. I've spent a majority of this morning crying and I still am . Ive had her for so long and so it just really, really, hurts. We're going to bury her at the other house where all my fathers pets were also buried. I miss her so much but watching her in pain yesterday was worse than waking up to her dead. I cried for both but watching her in pain just broke my heart. And now that she's gone my heart is completely broken. But I thank God that i even had her for so long, she was about 7 years old. I want to also thank God for Rachel Plang, although I haven't liked her all my life, she was good to my mother, and for that, I appreciated her very much. I pray they both Rest in Peace and I'm glad they both came into my life.
There's this song by No Cash, i forget the title and im too lazy to go and pick up the album. But, getting back to the point, the intro of the song is like from a movie I think and it says "Yeah, but you know what? This one, this one right here. This was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back. " and whenever i listen to it, it makes me think. Because so many dreams I have don't come true. They dont even get taken seriously and it hurts when I really sit down to think about it. ya know that feeling? It's kinda like your so alone that your the only one who believes in yourself. And I wish I could just "take" my dreams back, but I can't. Music is what I want to do with my life, not only be in a band but anything in music. I've taken up every opportunity I've been offered. each.and.every.one. But NOTHING has worked out. It just makes me feel hopeless. My grades are messing up, my friends I'm losing, it's like theres not much to live for now. I don't mean to sound depressed but each day is like another slap in the face. And i watch the people around me...and they seem so happy. And i wish so badly that I could be like that someday. I miss being truly happy. I'm known for smiling a lot but in all honesty, im not TRULY happy.I want things to finally workout, I want my friends back, I want love back, I want to accomplish something. Thats what i want in this new year..to find happiness in whatever I choose to do.
honestly , this website kept me sane. i dont have time to sit and write in a "real" diary, so this perfectly fit my life, and appreciate it with the upmost civic pride lol. So, lately its been a whole lotta stuff, mainly just whats going on inside my head. First off, theres this whole thing with Steff, thats annoying me to the fullest extent. Everything i have she has it too, she's copied my style, got a drumset, and started skateboarding. All things that i did because i wanted to do something my friend WERENT doing. its the most aggravated thing. I started bringing her to my church a little while ago and now she has the friends it took me so long to get. It just seems so unfair that i had to get everything the hard way like begging and pleading with parents for a drumset. Forcing my brother to teach me to skateboard. Coming out of my shell to make friends with strangers. and the list goes on. But for Steff, her dad went out an bought a drumset when she doesnt even play the drums and when she tries she isnt that great. Then skateboarding her dad took time off his work just to teach her to skate. And then when it came to making friends she would still be a no one if it wasnt for me. It's just not fair, she has a big screen tv, and a big house,and pets and all this material stuff and on top of that she gets everything that i have? It angered me so much. I just don't get it. I dont have half the stuff she does and im not lookin to do what she does, i wont go buy a guitar, or start drawing, thats her forte. Why can't she leave me be to my forte and not try to take it. It got to me yesterday to the point where i was sobbing in the shower (how cliche lol) but today im feelin a lot better. I said to myself, despite all that, she isnt me, so what am i so worried about, nothing she can do will make her me so i shouldnt be scared that shes gonna take my place. But i really do want another best friend who won't do everything that i do. Sometimes it just seems like thats too much to ask. besides that there was the whole scott and moon thing which are other reasons why i want to detach myself from her. But she's my bandmate and my "bestfriend". Help?
gasp. its been soo long . i got logged out of this website and i totally forgot my password so i couldnt write. I miss this website i really do it was the greatest thing in the world to me for a good year and a half. Moving on, a lot of stuff has gone down since my last journal entry but the "important" things still havent changed. My band is still confused, kristian is still hard to find, im still single and liking more people than i have fingers, and im still the loser i was a month ago. I feel like im officially part of my church crew now, i mean most of time is with them instead of my other friends, so i can only come to the conclusion that they finally accept me. There's this guy Matt im pretty sure ive talked about him before but yeah lately things between us have been strange. On Saturday night me and half of the church crew (including Matt) went to go see the movie Live Free, Die hard. The movie was amazing, i really enjoyed it even though i did flinch at some scenes overall it was a great movie. But during the whole movie me and matt sat close to each other like our arms we touching and even if we moved our arms for a while we'd always place it right back next to each other. Then he'd touch me and tell me "its okay its only a movie" when i'd get scared of a scene or something. It was really quite nice. And i wouldve made him drive me home that night but David offered instead. Then on Sunday my friend Melvin had a BBQ he forgot to tell half the crew. So it was a bunch of guys and me, i was THE ONLY GIRL, can you say awkward, if you cant then i'll say it for you, AWKWARD. Then all the other guys headed off to play monopoly and it was only me and Matt in the room. Even MORE awkward but there was nothing i could do about it...so yeah. It was me and matt in a room by ourselves on a bed with a laptop lol. We just hung out...he tried to take pictures of me but i wouldnt let him. And we kinda flirted the thing is he's 21! But i like him. So i dont know what to do...he is too old for me. But we click well, theres more to the story of what happened Sunday but i gotta go study physic's so i'll write tomorrow. = (
Ah, im back. In my last entry i was talking about how saturday nights are partay nights and i still truly believe they are and yesterday proved it even more. Yesterday was Saturday and on Saturdays i go to church...weird? i know but not to me. But anywho, me and most of the other youth ppl ages 14-22 went to a prayer retreat thing. It sounds extrmely un-fun but it was amazing. It touched my heart in a i should be a better person kind of way. The words spoken were wise and simple just like how life should be. Im so glad i went. I met a bunch of new people and a really cute guy named Joey. But i have a feeling im gonna see him later on in life, just an intuition type thing. Theres also this new guy at my church Jesse, i dont really no him but he looks cool and when i say looks cool i dont mean he looks cute i mean like he looks like he'd be in an action movie type cool lol, so we were sitting next to each other during the ride to the retreat and our knees touched and we kind of moved away from each other but then purposely put our knees back next to each other, confusing but sweet. I also bonded with church members who ive known all my life but never talked too and it was great that i did. They are all fun people that i could def. see myself hanging out with. And yeah i know, "church goes aren't punk and blah blah..screw religion, im an athesist and go 666" say the punks and rockers an stuff. But seriously keep your criticism to yourself. Believe what you want to believe but you dont have to object to everything else, but i guess that is what punk was made for. But seriously its annoying. I love punk music and punk rockers who have made differences for the better ( like anti-racist actions, vegetarians, anarchists) but some punk bands/ppl are just soo pointless. What exactly are they striving for? hmm...I duno. But back to my oh so awesome Saturday nights (the first saturday night i havent listen to "The Misfits- Saturday Night" no pun intended). After the retreat we headed to Jocie's friends house. There we ate and just chilled for an hour or 2 it was fun too bad Kristian couldnt make it =[ . After that we hit the road once again but this time it was pitch black outside but who cares? it was a saturday night! So we ended up at Aunt Nidia (everyone in my church is referred as either aunt or uncle) and me and Jesse avoided each other but then there was Kareoke time! lol dude , i have NEVER had so much fun with kareoke!! and for the first time ever i sang in front of people! like more than two people! I actually sang in front of a room FULL of people!!! I broke my shyness, broke it and IM NEVER going back! lol I sang one of my fav. songs and should be a fav song of many Billy Idol- Rebel Yell. it was insane, i got a 93 out of 100!! and EVERYone in the room clapped for me! i was so freakin happy, an then they told me " you have a great voice or you should sing for your band or i NEVER knew you could sing like that or you were beastin". it was great. THANK THE LORD FOR BILLY IDOL lol.
later days (that finally made it here),