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The Remnants of Uncertainty...
Driving through my old town
05/25/11 at 12:51 PM by cassusriff
That's a metaphor btw. AP used to be my community. I was here all the time, making friends with people through music and other means. Before twitter, this is where I went for online interaction. Hell, it was much more personal than tumblr. I made friends. I called people.

And I think back to some of the more shameful things I did on this blog. All the crazy ideas that I had mental disorders. The "story" I posted about the youtube girl and that broken relationship. The campaign for music scene president. Silly things that seemed like good ideas at the time. I was a victim of my own youth and misdirection.

But now, I'm about to be a dad. I have a little pop-folk EP out on iTunes (Check it out here and my facebook page). I live with my lady in a nice place. Still at the same company but moving up and doing well. Finally at a college I will GRADUATE from (I've said that about a lot of schools here on this blog as well).

It's cathartic and funny to browse through some of my old blog posts when this blog was one of the most viewed on the site. To think that many people read my crazy thoughts is a funny proposition. I tend to keep more private these days, but I do miss the community.

I'll try to be on here more, but come September I might be a little tied up with my little one.

Much love to this great place!
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New Blog
02/06/10 at 01:17 AM by cassusriff
I'll be posting my blogs at http://cassusriff.tumblr.com/ from now on. I may copy and paste them here occasionally but I like what I can do over on Tumblr more. I promise the new blog is more dynamic, I post videos and music and links there.

So follow me there!

http://cassusriff.tumblr.com/
Tags: new blog
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I am an Artist
01/25/10 at 01:38 AM by cassusriff
I am an artist of reality.
I paint a picture of simple things.
My brushes are deliberate
My intent is purposeful
My picture is misery.

I am an artist of lost dreams.
I mold a model of empty things.
My shapes are dull
My corners are rounded
My model is a hidden plea.

I am an artist of faithlessness.
I sing a song of apathy.
My notes are flat
My lyrics are uninspired
My song is a machine.

I am an artist of melancholy.
I write the words of disparity.
My penmanship is sloppy
My words are forced
My rhetoric lacks of glee.

I am an artist.
I create the art of true feeling.
My effort is sound
My heart is real
I am an artist.

Even when I'm off beat.
Tags: poetry, might as well give it a shot, feels good, personal, whatever
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How the Path Constantly Changes
01/20/10 at 01:09 AM by cassusriff
Guess 2010 had different plans for me, huh?

After starting what I thought to be such a promising quarter at UC Davis, where I could finally shake my past demons and start to move forward towards finally getting that elusive bachelors degree, I was hit with an email just two hours into my first class three weeks ago:

"Academic Disqualification. We are planning to remove you immediately, please go to this link to set up a petition appointment."

Of course, that was the same day I had 5 classes, an interview, and an orientation for my internship.

So the day that began so well was changed in an instant because of one single email. I had committed myself to being more positive with things in my life, especially with myself. I deemed 2010 the "year of execution." I was determined with my goals and my priorities. To finally fix all that had gone wrong in the past and forget about it, move to a better future.

But the email came. I panicked of course. But I got through the rest of my day as best I could. I took pride in doing well in classes that at any point I could be removed from. I dove right into my internship, soaking up everything I could even though I might have to drop it for a real job at any point. I just kept going about my days, hoping for the best and performing the way I should have all along.

I did all they asked of me as far as petitioning my disqualification. I met with advisors, wrote statements, got an academic plan, reorganized my schedule. I waited nearly two weeks for an answer. And while I was still performing at the top level I could, I held back a bit. I did only the homeworks due the very next night, because I knew that any day I could get the final decision. I made the best of my unpredictable predicament, but eventually I needed to start forming a Plan B for what I was expecting would happen.

So I started to ask myself questions. Why was I sitting in the same situation as a year ago? Why is this potentially another college I won't have a degree from after thinking that would be the case? Those questions didn't give me answers. They gave me frustration and anger. So I asked myself different questions. Did I do what I wanted? When is the last time I made a decision based solely on me and not anyone else? When was the last time I was happy? When was the last time I felt accomplished?

Those answers opened my eyes. See, because the answer to all those questions revealed the true reason behind why these plans haven't worked. The last time I did what I wanted? When I went to ASU. The last time I made a decision based solely on me? I don't even know that I ever have. The last time I was happy? When I went on my roadtrip alone to Oregon and Washington. I was free, I felt like I was somewhere I belonged and that I was happy. The last time I felt accomplished? When I got into Washington's business school after dominating my business school admission essays. And then more answers started to come. Even when I did things that I wanted, they were always clouded by something else. I went to ASU to run away because I was too afraid of how close I was to everyone at home. I moved out because I was mad at my parents. I moved to San Diego because I didn't want to be here yet again and hated my job and wanted to go to school somewhere else. I came back because I wasn't ready for that. I moved out of my apartment because I didn't want to deal with my brother and the other family issues that were going on. I didn't go to Washington because I felt like it was the smart decision, the one that more people would agree with. I felt like it would make my Mom and my girlfriend and my friends happy. And all of that has led me here.

So, it isn't that I'm incapable of being happy. It's that I never allow myself to be because I'd rather make everyone else happy. I'm not blaming my family or friends or girlfriend. They all support and love me no matter what. What I started to realize in the past year is that while I may have held myself back for all of them, they didn't do the same for me. They've all taken trips they wanted, moved where they wanted and done what they wanted. But I haven't. And for the past 4 years, when I've convinced myself that I am happy, it never lasted because I really wasn't. I always felt like I was settling in some way. And past all the elitism that I had before about going to a better college and whatnot, it's just about being somewhere and learning something that I want to learn. I haven't done that.

Because I have matured. It doesn't mean I haven't still made stupid mistakes, but I am getting closer. And through all of this thinking, I actually hoped they would kick me out. Because I wanted one more chance to do what I wanted. If that means going to Washington, fine. If that means working and finishing my degree some other way, fine as well. It's not a race. It's not about where I stand in relation to others. It's about what I want and what I need to do. Advice is welcome, but I want to follow my own head and not let other people's wants and needs influence that anymore.

So now people ask me what I want. I have an idea. I'd like to get that shot at going to Washington. Not because it's far away from home. Not because it's a big city and it's cool. Not because I want to be a loner and isolate all my old friends. I like the curriculum of the school. I like what they teach. I like the atmosphere. I feel like my strengths would apply there, as opposed to Davis where I was stuck in a very mathematical and theory based major and curriculum. I like to apply real practices. I like to work with people and lead. So why was I keeping myself in a place where those things mattered very little, if at all? Of all the schools I've been to and have seen, University of Washington is the one that has spoken to me on every level of what I really wanted. Why did I deny myself that?

But the point isn't that I'm going to now set course for UW and make another plan destined to fail. Because right now, I can't tell you what I want. I know that right now I want a job so I can start to save some money and get a bit more comfortable. I'm enrolled in one class to truly finish all my general education stuff. Besides that, it's all open. For once I'm not scared or ashamed of that. I'm going to do things to open up some options down the line (apply to UW, look for jobs in various places, look at other schools I may want to attend in the future) and when the time comes I'll make a calculated decision. Not based on the wrong things, but on what makes me happy. Because in the end, that's what is really important. That is the measurable success of a person, if the decisions they made ultimately made them happy.

I have to think that all struggle has a purpose. That I will one day be handed a piece of paper that means so much more than a college degree to me. I know that day will come, because I'm going to make it happen.

But for now, the path is wide open.
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2009: A Year in Review
12/31/09 at 08:22 PM by cassusriff
I know I already wrote about what I expect from 2010, but that was in a bit of a different vein.

I remember last year around this time I was sitting at work writing a blog similar to this. And 10 years ago there was no such thing as a blog. Things have changed, of course, and this year was no different. Last year at this time I felt like I had just escaped a burning building, eager for a year in which all my hard work paid off and things finally became a bit stable. I had hoped for a year of dividend.

Did that happen? I'd say so. After some soul searching I finally ended up at the college I will graduate from, I settled into a place I know I could live in for a long time, I strengthened my friendships, my relationship with my family, and with a girl that I feel is perfect for me.

The bumps along the way weren't absent though, as I struggled personally with accepting happiness and stability, feeling as if my own life always had to be in turmoil to be function. I held onto grudges and perceptions of things that simply weren't that way anymore. I held onto anger I didn't need to. I made things harder for myself. I fought to get somewhere only to underachieve in my eyes. In the midst of all the good going on in my life, I lost myself.

This all came to a heed weeks ago, when these good things in my life started to slip away. Instead of doing what I did in the past, however, I finally took some action and redirected myself. I fought the urge to be negative and hopeless like I used to be, I dug in deep and found the person I truly am, someone who rises above and makes good out of anything.

I wrote last year that for the first time I felt like I had things together, just a little bit.

I didn't.

Can I say that now? Well, I actually have some sure things coming my way. A degree, a new career, a new way of living. The only thing I need to do? Execute. I said this before, but 2010 is the year of execution. As this new decade begins, I realize that it is probably the most important in my life. My age will span from 21-31 during this decade. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen to me during these next 10 years. In the year 2000, I was 12 years old. I had no idea I was about to meet all the people I did, do the things I did, experience the things I experienced. And these next 10 years will be even more important.

So to recall:

2006 - year of change.
2007 - yaer of fallout.
2008 - year of rebuilding.
2009 - year of dividend.
2010 - year of execution.

It's all in front of me now. I just have to do it. I have to make it all happen now. I got the break I needed. I got the slap in the face I needed. No more excuses. No more negativity. Just execution and happiness.

That's what will lead me into the most important decade of my life.

Happy New Year everyone!

P.S. Entertainment of the year will go up sometime tomorrow, I have been spending time with family and friends and haven't gotten around to it. :)
Tags: 2009, 2010, restrospection, year, personal
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2010: Execution
12/26/09 at 02:24 AM by cassusriff
I have some tough decisions to make for myself.

It seems to me that I am on the right track at the very least. Things about me that have plagued my relationships and my view of myself seem to be disappearing.

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm self-aware. Self-reparing? That's another story. But the progress is being made. I decided to try therapy for the third time in the last two years. I'm going to focus on anger management. I have other issues like sleeping at bad times, anxiety, possible OCD, and insecurity, but anger has been the biggest and most damaging of my problems. Anger is what has led me to perform poorly in school, alienate my friends, and cause a (hopefully) temporary break with my girlfriend. I can admit that my childhood wasn't easy. I can also admit that the last few years haven't been a walk in the park. But I can't continue to dwell on these experiences and put them all on my shoulder. Because a chip on the shoulder is one thing, but the whole world is another.

Now back to me being self-aware. I am good at it, but not until I've reacted angrily and caused more damage than I ever intended. I need to be able to accept I've done something wrong without beating myself up or finding fault with someone else when it isn't there. If I forget to do something someone asked me to do, it isn't because I have a shitty dad or because that person wasn't clear enough with me. It's because I got my priorities mixed up. Does that mean I'm a completely useless person? No. Does that mean that I messed up on this specific thing. Yes. I need to clarify that in everything I do. Separate the big things from the little things.

I've been much better about this in the last few weeks. But I've been here before and I won't be fooled by my temporary progress. I'm very weary about therapy again but it is something I need. I'm not going to let them say I'm a good kid who is just stressed or accept any pills. They need to get deeper than that. They need to give me exercises and tips on how to control myself when I get these irrational thoughts. I'm paying for this, I want results. I'm sick of living my life like this and sick of pushing people away. I'm sick of having a short fuse. My career is about to begin and I need to be the person I was throughout the holidays. Fun, happy, exciting, smart, well-mannered, outgoing, and loving.

I've seen the person I can be when I'm clicking in the right way. I even find right now, that sitting here with all this Christmas money, I don't feel the urge to buy a bunch of new toys. I want to spend the money wisely, on practical things that I need. And as smart as I have been with money, I have always been a sucker for frivolous spending. But not right now. I'm picky. Maybe I'm just getting more into my major and starting to see the value of opportunity costs and lowering loss margins. Maybe I'm not relying on retail therapy to make myself happy. Because I feel happy, despite some things that are frustrating and confusing and sad right now. I feel content and confident about where I'm heading and what I'm doing right now.

This isn't where I need to be, I know that. Feeling good about myself, not being angry, and spending wisely for a few weeks during break when I've had a lot of time to relax is progress, but it isn't enough. I want to see how I respond to some actual good therapy for once, while I'm interning and taking 5 classes. I want to see what happens when something doesn't go to plan. Will I falter? Well, I don't want to anymore.

2010 is the year of execution. All the pieces are set, so I just need to go and do what I need to do. Nothing else to it. It's simple. I've been through breakdown and rebuilding and reaping some of the benefits of hard work, but now I need to execute and get results. I don't want anything less than that. So I can continue to wax poetic here, but the truth is...

I just have to go and get it. Now.
Tags: life, 2010, new decade, execution, anxiety, anger, problems, personal
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Evening
12/17/09 at 12:51 AM by cassusriff
The nights are always tough.

When everything else in your life is going well, the days go fast. You get up in the morning with purpose. You get things done during the day. You see people and have good times and live your life.

But then the sun goes down. Your friends leave the bar and head to bed. People aren't around to talk to anymore. Nothing is on TV. It's too late to play guitar or go for a run. You feel alone.

I can say with confidence that this is the hardest part right now. All I want to do when I'm in bed before going to sleep is call her or text her. All I want is her in my arms. But we both know that not talking is the best thing to do right now. I can feel myself growing as a person. Getting things done is building my confidence. I'm not angry or devastated like I have been.

I've missed her support and her affection. I've missed telling her things that I'm excited about. I've missed hearing about her day and helping her through things. But that all proved to be too much right now in our lives. We both have to learn to stand on our own feet without having to lean on each other. Because, only then, can you truly benefit from having someone to lean on. The people in our lives should be safety nets, not crutches. We need our own support from within ourselves.

Because we all have to grow on our own at some point. It's true that we grow together and we grow from our experiences with others. But if you aren't happy alone you aren't happy. A relationship should be two stable, happy lives coming together and making each other happier. You brings strengths and weaknesses and you bring out the best in each other. But if you've lost your strength or never found it in the first place, you have nothing but fear and instability to bring. And that only breeds more of the same. You bring each other down in ways you don't realize. You hurt more than you help. As hard as that is to hear, it's true.

This is the time to be selfish, do what you need. This is the time to have expectations and goals. This is the time to focus on yourself. But I feel like I'm close to being at the place I need to begin to share a life with someone else. Who knows what the future holds?

I hope you still read these. I want you to know I haven't given up on us. I've never been more motivated overall than I am right now. Just know that we are doing the right thing right now. That I don't hate you. Sometimes we have to hurt people to do what's right.

I can see the progress. Maybe next time we meet we will be the missing piece to each other's puzzle as opposed to a whole new puzzle.

If happiness is a warm gun, we can't keep playing Russian Roulette.
Tags: relationships, life, personal, girls
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Two Paths
12/16/09 at 04:32 AM by cassusriff
I just stayed up all night mapping out the rest of my undergraduate college career. Based on a bunch of things that happened during summer quarter and fall quarter, and by that I mean illness, personal life issues, money issues, not being prepared for the quarter system, not being prepared for the difficulty of my classes, etc, I have had to completely reconstruct the next three quarters (winter, spring, summer). It goes like this:

I take 5 classes next quarter, 4 classes during spring quarter, and 2 classes during summer quarter. I'll also be taking a calculus course at community college concurrently that will span late January to early May which equates to half of my roughly 2/3 of both my winter and spring quarters. What's more, there are two similar but different majors at Davis that I like, Economics and Managerial Economics. I've planned each out. In Winter, the classes I'm taking count for both majors. Then, by Spring I choose one or the other and follow that path through summer. Then I'll walk in June at UC Davis (assuming I pass everything to that point) and finish the last two of my classes by July. I'll officially receive my degree in September. This allows me time to find a job while I'm finishing those last two classes and/or begin the process of graduate school (MBA).

It's confusing, but I've attended a class at 6 different colleges (Arizona State, 4 Community Colleges, and UC Davis) so it isn't really that confusing to me.

The challenge lies ahead of me. I can either falter like I have the last 6 months or do what I'm actually capable of.

The other thing to work on from now until the end of July is my personal happiness. School is going to own my life but I can't let it control my life. I gotta keep working out, playing guitar, writing, whatever it is that keeps me happy. I have to find time for friends but find more time for studying. I have to work less and spend money wiser. I have to become confident again and pick myself up when things go wrong.

This may be one of the toughest stretches of my life coming up. I have been waiting 4 years for this. I have failed and made new plans and worked through things. I've had people come in and out of my life. I've had a lot of drama and moved to many different places. But the goal for me now is to be happy. I want to be happy while I'm working my ass off and I want to be happy when I reach my goal. And then, I want to make an even loftier one and still be happy.

It's going to happen.
Tags: school, plans, life
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The Island
12/07/09 at 01:39 AM by cassusriff
I used to be a pro at the introspective, self-evaluating blogs.

After the weekend I've had, I've realized that though they were melodramatic and stupid at times, they were therapeutic.

I seem to get caught up in the routine, in the self-deprecation, in the pain. I push people away. I want to be an island. Surely, that means I love myself right? If I don't want to see anyone else and would be perfectly happy alone, that means I am a super confident island.

Wrong.

I like myself enough to spend time with myself. That's new and nice, but it's not enough. Where is my confidence when things go wrong? When the plan fails. And believe me, I've learned enough in the last 3 years to know that the plan rarely ever goes according. You see, I go from these "I'm an island" to "I want to be around people all the time!" moods because of the cycle I create. The cycle is this:

I'm not happy with myself, I write myself off as a lost cause. I find happiness in helping others find their way. If I can get you on the right track, it's osmosis for me. It is vicariously living. Problem is, while I'm helping you, I self-sabotage. I skip a midterm. I don't do my homework. I stay up late and miss work. I get pissed about all this. I'm too hard on myself and get pissed. I become an island and I don't want to see anyone because, "I need to focus on myself" and you are all just distracting me.

Well, enough of that will push away family, friends, and my girlfriend. And when I lose those people, what do I have?

My island.

And when there is no escape from yourself, there is no escape. So now it becomes about, "What do I need? What makes me happy?" And it's time to push aside the regard for what others think about it. I don't care if no one reads this blog. I write down my thoughts, I write random poems at 2 in the morning. I like to weave words together to tell stories about myself that I find interesting. This makes me happy.

I love watching sports and looking at stats. I like working out. I like cooking. I like playing video games and listening to music through headphones.

So why don't I do those things anymore?

Well that's the question. And the excuses are plentiful. I can say that I have homework and work and people to see. But the truth is, I can make time for the things that make me happy. Because if I don't do that. Then the people that make me happy will leave. Because no one can be happy with me, if I'm not happy deep down.

Before I can be in a relationship that is meaningful and loving, I have to love myself. It's cliche, but it's true.
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Strengths and Weaknesses
10/22/09 at 02:16 PM by cassusriff
There is a constant discussion in my head about who I am and what I am about. It always comes down to what I am willing to accept about myself, what I want to work on, and what I need to do more of.

I learned an important thing in my education and experience in the business world. It is much more important to improve on your strengths than your weaknesses. I think that goes against our conventional wisdom. I think we so consistently like to root for the underdog, that we ignore the fact that he/she/they is/are working 10 times harder than someone else just to have a chance to achieve the same results. For example, the famous story about "Rudy" the kid who got into Norte Dame, walked on the football team, and made a tackle on the last play of the year. The story was excellent and really warmed our hearts, but in reality the kid worked 10 times harder than anyone else on that team and only got one play out of it. Hard work was this kid's strength, size and strength and football skills were not.

This is not to say that we shouldn't go against the odds or improve our weaknesses. I don't think any great thing in history would've happened if we people didn't go against the grain every now and then. What I mean by all of this, is that we have to be realistic and smart about the road we take.

I'm not a good dancer, you won't see me on "So You Think You Can Dance" anytime soon. I used to perform in theatre and choir and it was fun, but I was always realistic about it. I was in the upper echelon of performers in a very small sample space. I wasn't ever going to pursue performing as a career because I knew that the talent level I needed simply wasn't there. I surely enjoy it though, and I always have the option to do a community show or something like that. Same goes with football. I am athletic, but I don't have the skills to play in the NFL, so I play intramural flag football at my college and I have a blast. That's all that matters.

But that's not my point. I just think that we tend to focus too much on our shortcomings and how to make them better instead of on what we are good at and how to make those things better. I am an excellent thinker, I tend to understand people really well, I can multitask, I can learn quickly, I can relate to almost anyone. I find these things to be very useful in the business world. What's even better is that I actually enjoy all of this. I also realize that I'd make an excellent college advisor or something along those lines. Nothing looks better than someone who understands what their strengths are and utilizes them to their full potential.

Ever since I've adopted this thought process, my life has been happier and more fulfilling. I am very hard on myself, more so than even the most totalitarian superior. I find that when I accept my weaknesses and improve them where I can and instead focus most of my energy toward my strengths, I am more productive and successful. I will probably never stop being anxious about what people think, but I can be hyper-aware (something I've very good at) of what I'm thinking and realize that I'm being ridiculous. I probably will always wear my heart on my sleeve, but I can be excellent at thinking and exploring my emotions in a healthier way. And the list goes on...

Focus on strengths instead of weaknesses and you will find yourself performing to the potential you probably thought you always had. You will find yourself happier and finding more success. You'll look at the mirror and smile again because you are proud of something you are doing.

You may even find your niche. And that is the best place for any person to be in their life.
Tags: strengths, weakness, business, school, life, personal
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Random Poem
09/24/09 at 01:11 AM by cassusriff
I've got a glint of pride in my eyes
An empty stomach of lies
My head is heavy with regret
My eyes need to stop taking what they can get
My lips are dry
My words have weight that couldn't fill my mind
I'm a crumbling castle
that never lived up to its potential.

Here comes the empire
Here comes the king from his throne
Here comes the revolution
Am I invited?

I see my reflection in a drugged mirage
A blurry picture of who's inside
I long for the days when my reflection reflected
something else, something sane.
I stumble to bed
My resting place, my empire, my throne
I fall apart into a broken castle

Here comes the empire
Here comes the king from his throne
Here comes the revolutuion
Am I invited?

I'm drowning in my self-made moat
I see the feet walk briskly above my head
Should I stay underground?
Should I just be dead?

Pieces of me and my castle are hard to distinguish.
I can't find the wine
I can't fine the proper lines to read from the parliament.
Give me a slice of my own piece of mind
Let's see what we can get.
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I need success
09/18/09 at 01:42 AM by cassusriff
You know, I've never been officially diagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I have OCD and some other mental irregularities. Anyone I know would tell you how neat I am and how I get obsessed with planning or organizing.

What I've really noticed is that my OCD is at it's worst when I am very unhappy with myself.

In the last few weeks I've been extremely neurotic, spending hours on useless tasks of organization. I realized that I do these tasks because I'm searching for some success in myself. I do these things because I get a tiny twinge of pride when I finish only to have that good feeling quickly fade away as soon as some other reality hits me.

Let's face it, ever since I took the step towards my dream of graduating college, things haven't gone exactly smoothly. I expected this. I've been through this enough to know that I wouldn't just go to Davis, get straight A's, have no money issues, and be happy all the time. I knew that wouldn't be the case. But it seems like circumstances I never even imagined are getting in the way.

But none of that matters in the long run. I quit my crappy job, I'm at the college I'm going to graduate from, I'm on the way to doing what I want to do. So why am I so sorely searching for success?

Because in my eyes, it has been a while since I've tasted any.

The last time I remember feeling truly successful was when I got my acceptance into the University of Washington School of Business. It wasn't necessarily the acceptance letter (though it definitely helped) as much as it was the essay scores I received on my assessment. I had a perfect score and a 5.5 out of 6 on my two essays that I wrote in an hour and a half without any prior planning or organization. The average scores for admitted students were around the mid 3's. I severely kicked ass on those essays. It made me feel like I knew business and it really made me feel like I could write worth a damn.

Since then? I didn't feel appreciated enough at Blue Shield and my work ethic died. I failed a community college class out of pure hatred for the system. What's funny is that I aced Business Law and failed Weather and Climate, stupid right? Then I got to Davis and absolutely overloaded myself with 4 classes in 6 weeks, a new job, a new area, and a long commute. Safe to say I broke down by the second week, dropped two classes, and only did marginally well in the two I kept. My new job has me feeling very out of place. I feel like my bosses think I'm an idiot and I'm behind because my hours were low in the first few weeks and I haven't been able to really catch up with everything.

I'm burnt out. I've been taking classes for the last two years straight. And what I mean by this is I've taken class during summer semesters, summer quarters, fall semesters, spring semesters, and now my fall quarter is coming up. I've also been working full time through all of this. Some would say that merely surviving all this is success enough, but it's not for me.

Because for all my work, I'm broke now. For all my schooling, I'm struggling to find motivation. For all my hard work, I find myself at square one having to prove myself from the beginning. I'm in a new yard and no one cares where I've been or what I've done. I haven't been feeling the buzz of words float around my head making me want to write. I haven't hummed melodies or sang harmonies in months. I haven't picked up a guitar but once in the last few months. I haven't aced any tests, gotten any employee of the month awards, written a song, written a chapter in my book, or been really recognized for anything. I feel like I've faded and that's not how I roll.

I don't know what, but I need something to be proud of again. I can't feel like a good boyfriend if I'm letting my issues affect the relationship or if I have no money to even treat my girlfriend out to a nice dinner. I can't feel like a good student if I'm barely scraping by. I can't feel like a good writer if I never write. I want the creativity pangs. I want to stop being satisfied with just enough and be satisfied with nothing but the best. That's who I am. That's what I do. I'm ready to hit the ground running.

But what will be my next success? Maybe just writing this blog was...
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Presitgious
08/31/09 at 01:30 AM by cassusriff
Hell yes!

Though I wish I reached it by making 10,000 posts instead of being a member for two years. Oh well, life happened and I couldn't post as much. Hope I will have more time to in the future.

It's still sweet though.
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skyscraper
08/18/09 at 12:53 AM by cassusriff
"Why would he do that? He had so much to live for!"
"Did you know him?"
"Well... no."
"Then how do you know what he had to live for?"
"He had a wife and kids! Grandchildren! He had more friends than anyone I've ever known. He was an innovator. Everywhere he went he was part of something above ground. He made everything around him better. I don't understand."
"Well of course you don't, you didn't know him."
"Is there something you know that would explain this?"
"What can I say to you that will make you stop this quest? Please... he was my very good friend. He introduced me to my wife and saved me from a wasted life of drugs and booze. I owe the man everything I have."
"Then Wh-"
"Please, just respect my friend. He didn't want anyone to ask questions. It said so in his note. Just leave it be. He deserves that much."

And with that, the door was closed. I had run out of places to go. The map I had created, provided by my own piqued interest and undying curiosity, had lead me down a one way street with no place to turn around. I started thinking about her. If she was worried about me. I wondered if my friends noticed I hadn't been around the last week. No one has called. Then again, my phone has been off. I don't know why I was doing this. I... I had to know why he did this to himself.

The door opened.

"Why do you have to know?"
"I feel like... I feel like this is something that is very important."
"Important enough to leave everything behind and go on this crazy quest knowing you will likely piss off whoever you find that knew him?"
"Yes. I can't explain... You ever feel like you knew someone better than anyone else before you even met them?"
"Can't say that I have."
"Well, I would've agreed with you a week ago."
"I can't tell you why he did it. I can only tell you what I knew of him... that he was a great man."
"I'd like to hear the stories."
"Then why don't you come in."
Tags: blurb, story stuck in my head and had to write it
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Quick Hits
08/03/09 at 11:16 PM by cassusriff
- My major is awesome
- I love being back in school
- I'm exhausted
- I have to get up really early tomorrow
- It still hasn't really set in that I'm full-time college student and that I'm done at Blue Shield
- I have a feeling I won't have much time for anything anymore
- I absolutely loved being busy today
- I want more new music, I don't have much money
- I'm reevaluating my friends, I want to be around people who make me happy
- I think that even though my life is pretty swell right now, there is one more big, unexpected change I need to make before it is exactly where I want it to be.
- I've been dying to write the next chapter, but I decided to enjoy my summer and now that school has started I probably won't get a chance until thursday cause monday-wednesday I have a ridiculously busy schedule
- I miss my girlfriend
- I love being back in an intelligent environment. No offense to those I worked with, but I'm back in a place with stimulating thought. I feel like I can do something meaningful again
- I hope I get more breaks tomorrow, I didn't get to stop today. I didn't even eat a full meal until 9pm.
- I have to be up at 4am. Night.
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