I love you. I've never loved anyone, anything more. I hope that you can be happy.
But really. Corey, I love you. I love you with everything I have. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I thought about everything. There is nothing I should worry about. I know you love me, and I love you.
I hope that you cheer up, because I can honestly say that I am happy now. I know what I have. I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure I never, ever, ever lose it.
I'm sorry that I made you sad in the first place... I just hope you can forgive me, and we can move on with our lives together.
Just know that I think you're absolutely amazing, and to be quite frank... I wouldn't change a thing about you. Not one single hair on your head. Or arm, for that matter. Never forget that. I will always love you, Corey. Always.
Funny how things change huh? Broken promises and exaggerated feelings.
I love that my biggest mistake was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
I wouldn't take back anything... even with how shitty that year was.
Because I was that guy, and I was settling. I was 18 and I thought I had it all figured it. She was 16.
Turns out we didn't have it all figured out.
I'm glad things have changed, I'm glad we've moved on, I'm glad the mistakes were made.
But I can't say I don't look back with a heavy heart. It's going to be a while before I get that serious with anyone again.
So, the coolest thing ever happened tonight. Max Bemis of Say Anything wrote me a song, you can download it from the link below. It's called, "No One Does it Better than Me" No One Does It Better Than Me
It's a song about me being on my own and leaving the mundane life I had. Max really captured the anger and bitterness of my disposition. I love how he yells "Yeah!" after "I came to life". The song is actually a bit haunting. I feel like Max can relate to what I was talking about. Here is what he wrote in the email he sent me:
hey dude!here's your song!
rememebr everyone needs friends and a support group but i'm glad you've made your life for yourself..it's very important and you did it!
Finally, here are the lyrics of the song. I like the simplicity and anger:
No one knows what I've seen
No one in this century
Cut teeth on the stone of drool
Put your death in a tanning booth
So I came to life
So I came to life
So I came to life
No one knows what its like
Waking up on this empty bedside
With no one next to me
Sucking out this sickness slowly
And I came to life
I came to life
I came to life
No one does it better
No one does it better
No one does it better
No one does...
I love this. I want to buy another song by Max, but this will do for now since I'm broke as all hell. I hope you all like my song, "No One Does it Better than Me"
There is a certain sad commentary on my life that I rarely mention. I've always been very clandestine yet candid about my friendships and my relationships and my issues with work and school, but one area that I've avoided is my family.
I don't know if it is because I've always held out hope for something to be happy about or because I tried to act like it wasn't a huge problem in my life, but either way I've been ignorant about my relationship with my family.
Now it is all too painfully obvious. It has been for years, but I've seen too much contrast with other families I see, I've seen too much that presents my family on the ugly platter we feast on.
For years I've known that me and my father will always have a strained relationship. There was the stuff when I was a child of course; The breaking in and the kidnapping and the drugs and the jail time. It all led to the abandonment and the destruction of my image of what family was before I was even old enough to remember my birthdays.
Then when I was a bit older there was the false promises, the stolen Christmas money, the outbursts and the obvious indication that my older brother was more on his level. To top it off, my father always is overly complimentary and cheesy, which undoubtedly contributes to my guarded and stoic reaction to loving gestures.
Then there was the kids he had with his girlfriend at the time that he told me weren't my brother and sister. Then the fact that I grew very close to them and accepted them as my family only to have my dad break up with the girl. She had no other choice but to move to New Jersey to have support from her parents. I haven't heard from any of them in over 5 years. I don't even know how old my brother and sister are. I just keep a picture of them in my wallet.
Then fast forward to the present and you'll see that we have somehow rekindled from the year I refused to talk to him because he broke one too many promises. But even then, he still can't afford to send me $200 a month he promised as a graduation present. Every time I talk to him is a mixture of bravado, anger at my mom or older brother or some random woman he was interested in, uncontrollably and unbearable pride for me, and an eventual breakdown based on his shameful nostalgia. Last time we talked he ended the call crying and then called back to apologize for his recent trend of breaking down every time we talk. I answered in my usual, stoic tone because I don't know how to comfort him... he never taught me how.
Then my mother. I have forever idolized her in lieu of my father, praising and celebrating her success despite what my father did to her. I've always admired her perseverance through so many struggles in her life. Her mom dying on her 17th birthday, the sacrifices she made for her family, the issues with my father abusing her, the nasty divorce that came with it, my step dad and his inability to be the emotional comfort she needs, my older brother and his windy path that has more than frustrated her, and my little brother and his disorder that adds an element of difficulty that she simply shouldn't be burdened with.
In this case one would imagine that the older brother would step up and save the family. But my older brother was far too damaged from the many issues of our family and has always had trouble with conflict. I remember being 10 years old and coming in to yell at my mom and step dad when they were arguing about him, tears rolling and words muffled, trying to get them to stop so he wouldn't feel so awful. I knew pretty early on that I would need to be the one to step up and confront my mom or my dad or my step dad whenever the time was necessary. Unfortunately, each one of them saw me as someone they could trust and they all have tried to turn me against the others. When I was younger, this was more successful. My mom and step dad made me hate my dad and my brother, then my dad made me hate my mom, then my brother made me hate my step dad, etc. Finally I just hated all of them except my mom. She was always my rock.
My older brother ran away before we moved to El Dorado Hills, my little brother was born just a bit before that. Keep in mind that my mom and step dad got married on a whim when I was around 6 years old and that my little brother wasn't planned but came regardless when I was 13. So after spending the longest amount of time in one place, we picked up and moved again to EDH and I found the best friends I've ever had. But in that time I had to become the older brother for certain. I had no problem with this. My older brother came in and out of our lives, causing havoc and then leaving again only to reappear months later. He is a good guy, just lost and trying to figure out his path.
So I embraced my role. I tried to appease my family simply by being the best I could and succeeding in everything I did. I scrutinized myself at every turn, hating myself for any mistakes I made. I constantly overloaded myself and refused to accept any kind of compromise when it came to what I did. I always had to be the best. I figured this would help everyone, despite the fact that my brother's issues overshadowed my perfect grades when I was younger, I thought this would be different.
I spent high school working as much as I could, performing in theatre, getting good grades, and just trying to do as much as I could to be a model son and student. Despite all this, I didn't see the change I had hoped. I received a kind of silent admiration in a way, something I would strive for. It was as if I was fighting wars for pennies in return. My little brother was the baby now and his disorder earned him a level of attention he sorely needed. I decided that my success was necessary just so my parents could focus on my older brother and my younger brother.
So I tried applying to a bunch of colleges. My mom wouldn't pay the application fees or take me on any tours, so I was very limited. Arizona State caught my eye because we actually got to take a tour there because my parents had a house nearby. I became obsessed with going there because, well, it was my only option. I even received a partial scholarship to go there. I was ecstatic. But shortly after I arrived there, my parents informed me that I was responsible for paying all the loan that they had taken to cover the rest of my costs. Not that I had expected them to pay for everything, but I guess based on their wealth and what I saw from other parents I expected some help. I was hoping they would match the $7000 I received from my scholarship and then I would pay the rest through loans. I was wrong.
So I came back after a year, realizing that I didn't want to be 60k in debt from going to a school that wasn't my first choice in the first place. I finally did exactly what they wanted, I stayed home for a year and worked full time and went to school full time. I don't know how I did it, it was incredibly stressful and sent me into a deep depression. But I managed to do it. When I applied to colleges again for transfer, I had to pick and choose because I couldn't afford the application fees again. I set my sights high as always and lost steam halfway through my second semester. I dropped half my classes and almost settled for another year doing the same thing.
Then I decided I didn't want that, and I got in to UCSD and took that opportunity to get out of there and away from them. I thought that maybe things would be different this time and that I would receive some kind of support. I was wrong again. Sure, they were willing to throw me a few hundred if my bank account was in the red, but definitely not willing to cosign a loan or help me with rent. This time, I couldn't work full time and go to school full time, not at a university. So, I had to either move back home or take a year off school and make it on my own down here in San Diego.
And here I am in San Diego. I found a job, I have a plan, and I am completely on my own.
I made the mistake of thinking my parents would come through for me and I'll never make it again. I love my family, I really do. But I learned long ago that what I tried to do for them and for myself doesn't matter to them. It always ends up being about them and about what stresses them out. No one ever comforts me about how things are for me. I always get to hear about how much harder it was for mom, or feel guilty about having fun with my friends, or (most ridiculous) how hard it is to be raising my little brother. I have always come with the response, "I didn't have a kid, you did. Thats why I'm not having kids yet."
And yet, despite all this neglect, all this lack or respect, all this lack of support... I still feel guilty. I guess they raised me well. I feel bad for my dad even though he can't send me money he promises that I really could use to pay my bills. I feel bad for my mom even though she has a huge house with 5 bedrooms and 3 cars for three people (including my little brother) and trips to Vegas every month, but she can't even help out the one son she has who actually wants to be successful enough to take care of her someday. I feel bad for my brother, who is almost 25, making the same amount of money as me and needing my mom to give him money and help him manage it even though he should be setting the example for me.
I was with my best friend's family this past weekend. And yes, they bicker like any other family and have their issues. But at the very core, they love and care about each other. Their parents support them whenever they need it despite how much financial trouble it may put them in. I see their kids pursuing their dreams without having to worry if someone will have their back if they fall. Most of all, I just see love in that family. I see it in most of my friends' families.
It breaks my heart. I've tried for years to change that and just hope that I might have a glimpse of that kind of family. But the truth is, I'm here and I'm on my own. When I talk to mom or dad or my siblings, I have to support them even though I'm the one who has to take a year off from school too work just so he can go to school.
I guess thats just my family. And I know I will be fine, but years from now when I have my degree(s) and I am on my feet and stable, I won't be able to say that I had my family behind me the whole time.
And at that point in my life, what will I say to them?
Life has been a bit crazy lately. I definitely want to get back to writing my reviews and poems and whatnot, but I've been going on spontaneous trips and getting a job and making life-changing decisions every day. I'm going to see Paramore and Jacks Mannequin tonight, so I'll review that as well as catch up on all my craziness soon enough.
I sit here in an apartment that isn't even my own at 2:30am, no money in my bank, and with no job wondering how the hell I got here. Not even two weeks ago I had this perfectly stable life. I had a full time job that sucked, yes, but paid the bills. I had an awesome apartment that didn't cost much at all. I had a good group of friends that I could see regularly. I had most of my immediate family close by. For damn sure I had stability and comfort and routine.
And now? Well, I'm staying at my cousin's apartment. I am looking for jobs daily. I am trying to work out getting my new place when I really don't have the money to afford it. I live out of a suitcase. I try to eat fewer meals during the day to save money. My sleep schedule is ridiculously messed up. One day I wake up at 8am for an interview and the next I wake up at noon because I have nowhere to be and the later I sleep in means less time I can drive around or spend money on food. Save for my weekend in LA with Eric and Jacque, I have spent every day here completely alone. Every move I make is my own.
Sure, I have a mom who is nagging me and trying to help me along my way. Sure, I have friends who call or text me occasionally. Sure, I have my cousin who comes by every now and then. But wow, I've never been this independent... and coming from me that means a lot. I've been paying all my own bills for over a year now.
This is all scary. I am under pressure and I can't afford to be unemployed much longer. I may have to get some money from my parents to be able to afford the initial move-in payment on my apartment. Besides that, I'm living on $22 in my bank account and what's left of my available credit until its maxed out.
And you know what?
I'm damn proud of myself.
How many people I know can say they did what I am doing right now? I took the biggest risk. I removed myself from stability, routine, and comfort and placed myself in the most risky, ever-changing, and uncomfortable situation ever. I placed myself in a completely new area with no job and no place.
In less than a week and a half I've found a 3rd roommate, an apartment for all three of us that is affordable and sufficient, gotten three interviews when other people I know haven't had any success with finding jobs, applied for my student loans, survived on very little money, managed to handle being completely alone for the most part, and done it all without freaking out too much.
My mom definitely stresses me out with all this stuff. She constantly questions me and always mentions that I could have done this whole move in a better way. I appreciate her opinion, but I'm a 20-year-old that works full time and goes to school full time. I have to do things my way because no one else is really helping me. My mom will give me money if I'm overdrawn, thats about it. My cousin has definitely been amazing to let me stay at her place. I have to mention that without her I'd be homeless, and for that I am forever grateful.
So, here I am, struggling along and struggling alone. Though it is stressful and scary and frustrating, it sure as hell is also humbling and a great life-lesson. This is a period of my life I will always look back on with pride. I can't deny how good it feels to make myself my own man.
What makes a man, a man?
I am generally blended and fictitiously orchestrated.
Happiness, you scare me. You frighten me. My fear returns and I wait for the axe to come down.
But for all of you... I've got something up my sleeve.
So, I haven't been blogging much lately which could come as a disappointment or a sigh of relief depending on how you like my blogging. I wanted to get back on track though and what better way than to get back to my entertainment blogs! This week we have an all music edition because frankly, the only movie I've seen recently is The Dark Knight, and I had a whole blog on that already. I also haven't finished any books lately so here are 4 album reviews!
We Shot The Moon - Fear and Love Release Date: 04/01/2008
This album came out the same month as Forever The Sickest Kids, The Cab, and Augustana. The band definitely had a little bit of hype on this website, but the album seemed to go fairly unnoticed. Fear and Love is singer/songwriter/guitarist Jonathan Jones' first full-length album since the unfortunate split of his last band Waking Ashland. We Shot The Moon still has that signature Jonathan Jones sound but is more polished with an improved range musically and vocally.
The album begins with the energetic "The Waters Edge", a immediately catchy and steady song. Following this is the first single, "Sway Your Head". This song is an excellent choice for a first single. The chorus will make you jump and up and down and the guitars, drums, and bass compliment the piano hook perfectly.
"Tunnel Vision" is a beautiful ballad that shows the best of Jones. An elegant piano hook under his honest and smooth vocals really makes this a standout track. "Julie" is another standout song that is very reminiscent of the 90's. "Hope" is probably the best track on the album. The rise and fall is executed perfectly and the chorus is outstanding. Jones' range is really showcased on this song and the lyrics are simple but still honest and relative. The album ends with "Please Shine", another great ballad that ends the album in a great way.
Most of the tracks are well crafted, with catchy hooks and good instrumentation. Those who liked Washing Ashland shouldn't be disappointed. This isn't a simple, tired-out pop-punk album, instead it is an album that is catchy, well-written, and flows nicely.
Alkaline Trio - Agony and Irony
Release Date: 07/01/2008
Alkaline Trio has had a successful career and never released a bad album. They've always been consistent with the quality of their releases, their sound has evolved but never too much in one fell swoop.
So when word of Agony and Irony began to spread, many fans were hoping for a return to the pre-Crimson days. Though Crimson was an excellent album, fans can say they got what they asked for with this newest release. Agony and Irony is a solid rock album.
"Calling All Skeletons" starts with Matt Skiba's strong vocals and a rockin' riff that kick starts the album. The first single, "Help Me" is next, an AK3 style pop song that showcases Skiba's range. The chorus is extremely catchy and the song is solid, though definitely not one of the better songs on the album. "I Found Away" is a chilling song with a powerful chorus.
"Do You Wanna Know?" is sung by bassist Dan Andriano. This is a standout track with excellent vocals and an insanely catchy chorus. "Love Love, Kiss Kiss" is a classic love song in the AK3 vein, with eloquent mockery in the lyrics. "Lost and Rendered" is the hardest song, with a crunching guitar and a huge chorus. The album ends with "Into The Night" another powerful rock song with great harmonies.
Alkaline Trio does a great job implementing their classic punk and rock roots with their pop sensibilities on this album. The instrumentation is powerful and energetic, while the vocals are excellent with a slight edge. Overall, this album is classic Alkaline Trio. A great combination of the evolution of their sound over the last decade.
The Academy Is... - Almost Here
Release Date: 07/06/2005
"Attention, attention, may I have all your eyes and ears. To the front of the room if only, if only for one second."
The Academy Is... gets more than a second of my attention with their debut full-length Almost Here. This album is a classic example of the perfect pop-punk formula. The vocals are unique, yet incredible. The pace is steady and uplifting. The lyrics are simple yet not awful or contrite.
The aforementioned lyrics come from the opener "Attention", an appropriately-titled fun track that sets the stage for what is to come. "Season" is fun song that makes you want to jump up and down. "Slow Down" is maybe one of the best pop-punk songs of all time. The vocals flow smoothly and the melody is unbelievably catchy. The chorus swells and the instrumentation is perfect. This is a song you could know every second to by heart and never tire of. "Black Mamba" shows a bit of the edgy side of TAI while singer William Beckett croons about the music industry and his band's struggle.
"Classifieds" is a good song but is lost amongst the others. "Checkmarks" is song that continues the smooth, almost jazzy flow to the album during the verses but has a bit of a dark edge in the chorus. "Down and Out" is a song that slowly builds and really showcases Beckett's voice. Finally, the album ends with "Almost Here", a pop-punk anthem that ends the album perfectly.
Almost Here is a classic pop-punk album that isn't just filler with pretty voices, the lyrics actually have some depth to them and the stylings of the album go beyond most anything else the other tired out bands put out in this genre.
1997 - A Better View of the Rising Moon
Release Date: 04/07/2007
1997 hasn't had the most stable run as a band. But their debut full-length A Better View of the Rising Moon is some of the best incorporation of a male and female vocalist I've ever heard.
Arguably, the best three songs of the album are the first three. "Water's Edge" begins the album in a simply elegant way. A xylophone and some soft guitar anchor the first part of the verse and the pre-chorus has a beautiful dueling vocal performance by keyboardist Kerri Mack and singer Kevin Thomas. The song hits its stride at the end with some beautiful harmonies by both singers. "Garden of Evil" is an insanely fun pop song (definitely helped by all the people hooting and hollering during the second verse) with some very catchy hooks. "Hey Darlin" begins in a big way and stays strong throughout.
"Grace" brings the album to a perfect intermission. A powerful ballad sung entirely by Mack really shows her skill not only vocally but on the piano as well. "Tennessee Song" almost doesn't fit in with the rest of the album, but is an interesting song nonetheless. It flows steadily enough, but never really hits its stride. "Dropping Dimes" is a poignant song about a troubled relationship with a Father. Mack's verse really touches you and the chorus is powerfully honest. Album closer "Curse or Cure" isn't the best album closer, but it gets the job done. The very end of the song is full of beautiful harmonies, so that definitely helps.
1997's debut album is a gem in the pop-punk, guy-girl singer genre. It sounds somewhat like Straylight Run, but also a bit like The Morning Of. Overall, this album isn't perfect, but it sure as hell sounds good.
THIS REVIEW CONTAINS NO SPOILERS! YOU CAN READ IT WHETHER OR NOT YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE!
Where do I begin? How about we begin over a year ago... When word of this movie began to spread, people talked about it and were very interested to see what this movie would become. As the months went by, every bit of news was more intriguing. Heath Ledger as the Joker? Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent? Maggie Gyllenhaal replacing Katie Holmes?
Then of course, the news of Ledger's death put a dark mark on the project. People wondered if his death would cause people to exaggerate his brilliant performance or put the film in a bad light.
But none of that mattered in the end. All that mattered was that this movie was brilliant. A masterpiece. It exceeded expectations. Expectations that were set higher than I could imagine by outstanding marketing, an extremely obsessed fan base (me included), a preceding film that set the bar high as it was, and an all-star cast/director.
I'm still in shock. I'm trying to write a coherent review but I can't even grasp this movie right now. I'll try to break it down.
The plot... flawless. Every character was incredibly important. With all the spoilers and clips flying around, the movie still managed to keep you guessing throughout. The character development was the best I may have ever seen. I couldn't believe that a summer action movie was actually making me feel this way and that I was getting so deep into the character's heads. Harvey Dent was dynamic and a man of raw emotion. The Joker was maniacal and hilarious. Simply the most gruesome and perfect villain I've ever seen. Bruce Wayne/Batman was guarded, troubled, and righteous. Rachel was tough but lovable. Even Alfred, Gordon, and Lucius were deep characters. I was blown away at how the movie displayed that many characters in such detail.
The acting... outstanding. Christian Bale portrays Bruce Wayne/Batman better than anyone ever could. Aaron Eckhart's charisma and emotion are something else. Heath Ledger plays the most chilling, scary, and lovable villain I've ever seen. He deserves recognition of some kind (yes, I'm talking to you, Academy!) and couldn't have ended his unfortunately short career on a higher note. Maggie Gyllenhaal is fantastic, Gary Oldman is incredible, and Morgan Freeman is as usual, top-notch. Pay attention to the way the characters interact: Batman and the Joker, Harvey Dent and The Joker, Rachel and Bruce Wayne, Rachel and Harvey Dent, Alfred and Bruce/Batman, Gordan and Dent, etc. These actors mesh so well together and are never uncomfortable. I can't imagine how much they pushed each other to be so outstanding in their performances as an ensemble and individually.
The direction... masterful. Christopher Nolan not only managed to co-write this fantastic screenplay, but he directed a masterpiece. Granted, he had extremely talented actors to work with, but he pulled something out of them that I haven't seen before. Even elite actors like Bale and Oldman and Freeman were something else, and Heath Ledger was something I could never imagine. I can't see anyone else playing that part better. Nolan also created these incredible action sequences without going overboard. Nothing about this movie needed to be improved, every scene was essential, and 3 hours didn't even feel long enough. THAT is good directing.
The cinematography... unbelievable. You don't even see very much CGI (because there isn't) and when you do you barely notice. The action scenes aren't overblown or outlandish but thrilling and heart-pumping. The landscapes are captured gorgeously and every detail is like it is painted. Go see this film in IMAX, your eyes will love you.
The musical score... fantastic. A gorgeous and dark score that sets the proper emotion before you even realize what is going on. Watch out for a certain familiarity in the score whenever the Joker is about to come on. You will find yourself on the edge of your seat without even realizing it.
Everything else... costumes, editing, dialog, whatever you can think of... amazing. I can't believe how every aspect of this movie was nearly flawless.
Look at the words I've used to describe it: flawless, outstanding, masterful, unbelievable, fantastic, amazing. I'm out of words to describe this greatness. I don't give in to hype. I usually ignore the hype, set my expectations low, and still find myself disappointed. I am a huge critic and very picky about what I like in movies... and this movie EXCEEDED the hype. I can't stress that enough. The psychological implications of the plot and the themes of the movie are so deep that there could be a class about it.
Watch this movie and don't just blindly wait for the cool action scenes to come. Watch this movie with your mind on, you will be shocked at how big this movie is in every way. If you have seen this movie the way it should be seen, your mind should be tired when you walk out. You should be speechless for a bit. You shouldn't be able to pinpoint your favorite moment right away. And you shouldn't be shocked that three hours has just gone by.
10 stars! A++ Three thumbs up! Believe me, go see this movie now.
edit: In reality, I'd give the movie a 97% approval rating. No movie is perfect... but this one is damn close.
There is a sweet kind of ignorance, a kind that blinds you and angers you and seeps deep into your body without you realizing anything. This ignorance spawns naivety. This ignorance encourages inebriation. This ignorance helps illicit a care-free persona that gives no regard to the consequences of actions.
I have been swimming in this ignorance for weeks now. I've tried to act like I've come to grips with the fact that I'm moving, but in all honesty I've just accepted all of this as something that will happen but never as something that IS happening.
And it is happening. Right now.
I've partied with you all for the last few weeks, overindulging and pushing my body to the limits. I've been confused by my emotions, wanting to have a special moment with each and everyone person I know before I leave again. I've been plagued by the failures of my past. The last time I did this I came back a year later with my tail between my legs.
The beauty of a second chance is that you can bring it all back and reinvent yourself. But the danger of a second chance is that I can't deal with a massive failure like that again. When I left last time I was only 18 and I was blinded by this perfect world that I saw. I knew that if things went that bad I could always come home and the community would welcome me with open arms.
And you guys sure did. I couldn't have messed up more but I came back and the true friends didn't leave me.
But now? Almost everyone who was here is gone. Everything about this place has changed. When I leave this time, I'm not just going somewhere for a long vacation, I'm leaving home. I'm leaving home and I'm off to make a new one for myself.
It scares the shit out of me. You can't burn bridges twice.
It's a harsh, biting reality. Such mixed and bittersweet emotions. There is no anger deep down, no regret. I have a sly, sorrow disposition. A hesitance and resistance for the true underlying concern. On friday, stability ended for me. Comfort ended. Tonight I won't sleep in my bed. On monday I don't have a job to go to.
This freedom is the scariest of all. Sure, a plan is in place and it seems likely to work. But tomorrow is no longer a sure thing. I broke free from a cage only to find myself in a vast desert. And I have to ask myself now, is there an oasis nearby or does this emptiness stretch past the horizon?
So I've held onto this ignorance as long as I can. But there is no more hiding it. I have to accept this and dammit I am more excited than I could be. But I've left before and this time I can't come back. And that is why I can't handle anything right now. I can't answer any of your calls or talk about how I'll see you during Christmas break. I just need time to let this all soak in.
Because this really is goodbye. And this is the start of my new life.