"Cross my heart and hope to
I'm lying just to keep you here
So reckless, so,
This song sometimes reminds me of you.
I wrote a part for us.
We've had some ups and downs...
Both were intense, to say the least.
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive you for some things that happened in the past.
Perhaps you feel the same way.
I don't know how it will end for us.
Maybe I never want it to...
(and I say that in the most platonic way possible.)
I guess that what I'm implying is that,
I consider you to be one of the only people that I feel that I can connect to.
No matter what our fights or flaws or misunderstandings are, you're one of the only people who makes me feel seen.
I feel as though, together we always have this mutual understanding.
Whatever happens, happens.
I was lucky to have your time at one point.
And I think, for me, perhaps it was enough.
I sat back in my wooden computer chair, re-clicking the play button on the Starting Line's MySpace media player. I couldn't get enough of "Island". Something about that song just clicked with me.
I get a text from my friend Pete, "We're heading to the record store in Red Bank tomorrow...wanna come with?"
I send my reply saying I'm in. I have a bunch of stuff to pick up.
We headed to the record store that weekend. I looked through the used album selection and low and behold The Starting Line's Direction was there under the price of $5.99. Definite score.
When I got back to the dorm I popped in the CD and was excited to hear what TSL had produced this time around.
Unfortunately, it was not what I had hoped for. Sure, "Island" was great and so were songs like "Something Left to Give" and "Birds", but overall the album fell flat to me. I tossed the cd aside, feeling like I wasted $6.
I don't think it was anything against the band, I recognize that they had an influence on my generation but this wasn't resonating with me in the slightest.
Now flash forward to December 2009: The Starting Line decides to announce a few holiday shows---not a real reunion but something special for fans.
I decided to give "Direction" another chance to get myself in the mood for their shows and then something happened...something changed.
It wasn't just "Island" that sounded good, but it was "Direction" and "Way With Words" and "Need to Love". It was every track on the album that seemed to resonate with me.
The album that seemed so underwhelming, suddenly seemed to connect with everything that I was feeling and why was that?
Direction is about reflecting on what you've been through and the uncertainty about the future that lies ahead.
It's about hoping that you made the right choices, had the right impact and will continue to do things that make you happy.
It's a mixture of melancholy and nostalgia.
And I guess that's just where I am.
I'm turning 25 and on the verge of that quarter life crisis that we've all heard rumors about.
I keep second guessing career choices, money choices, choices in potential relationships.
I'm struggling to keep up with old and new friends, and just keeping up with myself.
I want more out of my life and every day is a struggle to figure out how to get myself to where I truly desire to be.
I think there are people out there that can say they want the same for themselves.
Who wouldn't want to find success and love and companionship for the rest of their days?
I guess while I try to figure it all out, I'll just play the melodies and words of what I can relate to the most....
I want something more than all my possessions,
Something I want to share with everybody else.
It will be brilliant both to elderly and children,
And be different in a way that can be embraced.
“So tell me, why do you want to join a gym?”, He asked, reviewing my information sheet.
“Well, to lose weight…”, I mumble.
“But why is it important to you? What are your goals?”
I fidgeted with my shoe trying to decide whether or not to give a standard reason or spill my entire life story over the past year to him.
Memories of what I’ve gone through swirl through my head.
---From fights, to friendships, to funerals, to apologies, to love, to goodbyes---
Suddenly I have the urge to cry.
I swallow my emotions.
“Well….because I went through a lot of shit in the last year. I’ve lost friends…people moved away…My entire social scene has been shaken. I have a lot of free time now so...might as well do something with my life.”
He nods and writes some things down. “…Any other reasons?”
I shrug and laugh to myself. “I guess I want to have a body that I can be proud of for once in my life. I’ve never felt that I’ve had that. Maybe if I had a better body I’d feel more confident. Maybe I can up the amount of guys I reject. It’d feel good”
He laughs a bit. I really wish he wasn’t writting ALL of this down.
He repeats everything back to me constantly, to reiterate my point. It’s even funnier when he says it.
His name is Brian. He looks like a typical North Jersey guido, but he’s actually Irish with a pleasant, professional disposition.
He has the nicest smile I’ve ever seen.
He plays off my sass and sarcasm with ease and retort—better than most.
A rare find.
I immediately feel comfortable around him.
I want to sit and tell him more about my life because I feel like he actually sees me.
“So who will be supporting you throughout your journey to get into shape? A husband? A boyfriend? Family?”
I smirk at the thought. My mind scans all the people currently in my life, but then I can’t help but think about those that died and those that left.
I have the urge to cry again. This sucks. No one cries at the gym, especially not during an assessment.
Finally, I shrug and say, “No one.”
“No one?!” He’s taken aback.
“Yea, no one. It’s no big deal, it’s just my life.”
He has no idea... me just going to the gym two days in a row confuses my mom. She’s no help and she’s the only person I see every day besides my co-workers.
We talk some more. He sets me up with a really good deal that will hopefully get me into actual shape within the next year.
I’m beginning to think that this will work out for me. I can better myself one step at time.
After the physical assessment, our conversation moves to every day stuff.
I finally blurt out, “You seriously have the nicest teeth and/or smile I’ve ever seen in my life”
He nods, “Thanks. They’re actually fake. All the real ones were knocked out when I played professional hockey.”
“Tell me more about this hockey lifestyle…”
I think I’m feeling okay tonight.
I am on the mend.
At least now I can say that I am trying.
And I hope you will forget things I still lack.
Some nights I have this blurred vision,
where we dance in a dream to the songs that we love.
Those songs have play for the lonely souls who where singing along
when it wasn’t enough just to hope,
and to pray that their body’s somehow find the strength.
And they all carry on.
They want nothing but to be better off...
and I’ve hurt
and I've aged,
but I found it in my heart to believe.
In May it will be a full year since you were taken from us.
For the last 6 or 7 months, someone came and filled the void.
You were never replaced, but the pain was somewhat alleviated for the time being.
Last month everything changed again.
I really didn't think that I could feel that sad again, but it happened.
We're finding new things to occupy our time--to rebuild ourselves.
I'm trying to fix my life.
My priorities have changed and I finally figured out exactly want I want from the next five years.
It's just a matter of getting there.
I haven't had a dream about you since your accident. All my "dreams" are just the memories that we've already shared.
I go to shows that I know you would have loved and I imagine how it would be if you were there.
You're always in my thoughts and sometimes I wonder if you realize the kind of impact you had on people.
Just know that you're here....you're always here within us somehow.
Chris, we're still lonely souls, just trying to be better off.
We're really trying..............
"Now I sit alone, now I sit alone, in pain.
wishing you were here. you had so much going on.
well I never had a chance, never had the chance, to tell you.
your friendship was better than anything else.
the ones that we need are the ones that we're losing.
why doesn't this make sense at all?
oh I hope you're listening."
This can be said for a lot of different people and situations.
Tonight I saw The Sleeping played at School of Rock and they killed it.
On my way to the show I thought about what I usually think about 99.9% of the time on the drive to and from the venue:
"I wish Chris would get back from his winter vacation so we could hang out again."
Except, I know he's not on winter vacation...it only just feels that way.
Come the 13th he will have be passed on for nine months.
I guess to ease the pain I try to think of it as though he's just on a trip and we're all awaiting his return.
We all know and understand the truth, even if we still save a seat for him at our favorite hangout and occasionally make a toast in his name.
I wonder if he ever realized that he was our stress relief. He'd laugh off the problems and did his best to fix everything.
I think we needed him more than he realized.
Nine months later, here we are.
Still very much broken and bruised, but we're doing our best to hold each other together.
We make new routines and traditions so that we can laugh and continue on without dwelling and breaking down.
All we really have is each other, and I think for the most part, that we try to make the best of it.
Because, we still have the chance to make something good and real out of our life.
xcaseyx (12:42:01 AM): this band might be better then Kings Of Leon xcaseyx (12:42:01 AM): http://www.myspace.com/wearephoenix Me: (12:49:40 AM): sounds so good xcaseyx (12:49:51 AM): it's amazing xcaseyx (12:50:07 AM): it was Chris's favorite band i think
Chris never mentioned this band to me before he died but he was definitely on to something. If only he was around to see their success, he'd probably think it was really cool for a minute and then grumble that it's over played on that car commercial. ha.
I can't help but want to get my hands on everything this band has released. It's one of the few ways I can hold Chris close, without him actually being here.
Found this through a friend. So close to real life.
-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
-That’s enough, Nickelback.
-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
-There is a great need for sarcasm font.
-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
- LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
"You never knew
well I never told you... Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes "
People say the worst about me and my endeavors but there are several boys who made me the way I am.
Unfinished business leads to constantly try to settle a score with your heart.
How many people do you know have ruined you?
Someone once said:
"Sometimes you have to break a heart to unbreak your own."
And that's how I live....
...Trying to settle the score and sometimes it feels good....but it has yet to be fulfilling.
We walked to the elevator in silence.
He was still dressed in his work suit. Doctor ID clipped to his tie, he carried his famous straw hat in his hand.
The elevator doors close and he turns to me.
"I've been here nearly 60 times in the last three days..."
He thinks to himself a moment.
"...it's tiring, you know?"
He fidgets with his hat and turns to face forward.
After a moment of silence he looks towards the ground and then back to the ceiling while saying to no one in particular,
"I don't know what's going to happen..."
What do you say to a man who's wife appears to be dying?
What do you say to a man who's been strong (so much stronger than I felt I've been) for the past year--seemingly confident that everything will be alright--and now....and now a year later, seems to be losing hope by the hour?
I stared at the ground unsure of what to say...a part of me in fear that I would break into a million pieces on the spot.
So, she's finally alert and talkative. She seems to be more with it now than she has in the past several months.
However, she looks like she's dying.
But nevertheless, her husband takes his daily trips to see her.
He talks to her in an upbeat voice, trying to bring out the woman he fell in love with over 50 years ago.
She smiles at him as best she can. She listens to his stories.
And at the end of the day, he walks out with his head down, his heart sinking, with his straw hat in hand.
"I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon"
"It's very charming of you to be ignorant of the twisted logic of most relationships. Trust me. When we met I was wrecked, blasted, and damned, and I am slowly pulling myself together because I can see that you are a human being and I would like to be one, too. And I have been trying to do it without you noticing, because I still haven't figured out that all pretense is useless between us...You have to work at me; I can't get there alone."
Life is funny like that.
Sometimes you're the student and sometimes you're the teacher in relationships and coupling and dating.
It's about give and take and compromise.
It's about being good to each other.
To love and be loved in return...it's what life is about.
"I'm a little jealous of him. I'll admit it..." he said as he laid next to me.
I shrugged and turned over onto my shoulder--my stomach and mind spinning around trying figure things out. Things have been so fucking tense and stressful lately that the last thing I wanted was this shitty case of deja vu.
I've been here before--except it was November 2006 and the scene was my dorm room where I was sitting next to my boyfriend of three years.
I thought I had it all figured out until one trip and alcohol just destroyed everything. What would follow would be two years of head games from a kid who I finally walked out on this past December.
Everything is back to being cloaked in secrets. Every time I find something great, it's destroyed by some other force. I'm tired of being stuck in this place. I just want to find ONE thing---one GREAT thing for myself and be able to enjoy it.
And now I'm drifting further away from everything that made sense to me. I'm falling out of my comfort zone.
It probably should have just been you and me from the start. Something that was different from everything else...that no matter where I was thrown, you were always the constant.
But it isn't. It's never just us.
Eh, I'll figure it out eventually, I hope.
Because I have to live my life, whether it's with you or without you.