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Take This To Your [Headphones]
Give and Take
10/18/09 at 10:41 PM by Miss Heartcore
And there's a flaw if you hurt me I'll hurt you too.
I come back around this place to get away from you
...So if you save me I'll save you too.
If you'll look for me you'll find me baby.
We were the best of the best of friends...

...And I have lost my mind.
And I am lost in time.
I can barely think of anything straight.
And I can barely feel anything real. ...


I think you're on a path to ruining me.
Well, I refuse.
Been there, done that.
My heart is way more important than yours.
Two can play at this game, sir.
I can't lose myself again.
Tags: FTSK, Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Truth, Life.
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The Cycle: 365 Days Later
10/15/09 at 11:04 PM by Miss Heartcore
I still only vaguely know the boy with the perfect kiss from that NOFX show.

We see each other in passing and I rarely feel motivated to call him. It's a mixture of nervousness and just an overall lack of effort.

I will be honest and say that he's the last guy who actually made me excited/nervous/elated.
...The last guy who didn't give me a terrible feeling that I was going to be cheated.

Because right now I know someone, who if he buckled down a bit and got his act together, we could possibly make it work. We could actually be happy together.

But like the others, his actions leave me with a bad, cheated feeling. A feeling that there is dishonesty that will hurt me a great deal once it all comes to light.
This has been a frequent occurrence over the past 3 years.
I'm never sure when it will happen, how it will happen, or what the specific events are, but I know they are coming.
The feeling lingers after each phone call or online message or post.

And the truth will reveal itself.
I'll be made to be a complete fool since I did nothing to stop it.
And I will write these entries to try to ease the pain and in the meantime, try and destroy something that cares about me.

So until then, it's the waiting game.
All things in time.
Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Truth, Lies, Life.
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How many people can you say this about?
09/10/09 at 03:21 PM by Miss Heartcore
"You never knew
well I never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true

I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes "

People say the worst about me and my endeavors but there are several boys who made me the way I am.
Unfinished business leads to constantly try to settle a score with your heart.
How many people do you know have ruined you?

Someone once said:
"Sometimes you have to break a heart to unbreak your own."

And that's how I live....
...Trying to settle the score and sometimes it feels good....but it has yet to be fulfilling.
Tags: Boys, relationships, love, personal, life
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The Carnival.
09/04/09 at 12:09 AM by Miss Heartcore
I stepped onto the fair grounds on a perfectly sunny day.

There you were in a white polo and cargo shorts. Same shaggy hair as I pictured it would be.

I was overcome with a happiness and an excitement that I hadn't felt all summer. I couldn't even look you in the face out of fear that this would all turn out to be a dream.

Here you were, just like you promised so many times before. I listened to the sound of the crowd and carousel.
The most I could do was link my arm into yours and shyly place my head against your arm.

This was real.

This is what I wanted...for you to keep your promise and show up.

You were smirking and shook your head in a happy confidence.

We walked over to the familiar faces of people we've talked to mutually. They had been waiting for us, with open arms and smiling faces.

And then I woke up.

I blinked a few times in disbelief. Unsure of what had just happened and where I was.
I turned over to a sound asleep boy.
He wasn't the boy of my dreams.
But he was the one who's managed to help me dream of you a little less.

How did I get here?
How did it come to this?
Your life seems to fall into a pattern, whether you choose that pattern or not.

I'm not sure how I ended up here but I don't think it's exactly what I wanted for my life.
This just feels a lot like a comfortable compromise.

I guess that's just how it goes for now.
I'm sure I'll find a way to get out of it, just as I'm sure I'll find another way for me to disappoint you in the choices that I make.
I can't seem to make any of the right ones because, I believe that the only suitable choice would be taking a chance with you.

Unfortunately, that just isn't in the cards for us right now.
Perhaps I'll see you in my dreams.
Tags: Dreams, Boys, Relationships, Life
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The Waiting Room
09/01/09 at 11:11 PM by Miss Heartcore
We walked to the elevator in silence.
He was still dressed in his work suit. Doctor ID clipped to his tie, he carried his famous straw hat in his hand.

The elevator doors close and he turns to me.
"I've been here nearly 60 times in the last three days..."
He thinks to himself a moment.
"...it's tiring, you know?"

He fidgets with his hat and turns to face forward.
After a moment of silence he looks towards the ground and then back to the ceiling while saying to no one in particular,
"I don't know what's going to happen..."

What do you say to a man who's wife appears to be dying?
What do you say to a man who's been strong (so much stronger than I felt I've been) for the past year--seemingly confident that everything will be alright--and now....and now a year later, seems to be losing hope by the hour?

I stared at the ground unsure of what to say...a part of me in fear that I would break into a million pieces on the spot.

So, she's finally alert and talkative. She seems to be more with it now than she has in the past several months.
However, she looks like she's dying.
But nevertheless, her husband takes his daily trips to see her.

He talks to her in an upbeat voice, trying to bring out the woman he fell in love with over 50 years ago.
She smiles at him as best she can. She listens to his stories.
And at the end of the day, he walks out with his head down, his heart sinking, with his straw hat in hand.
Tags: Grandparents, Family, Love, Life, Relationships, Health, Personal, Life
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The nights of Summer.
08/25/09 at 09:51 PM by Miss Heartcore
"I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon"
Tags: Practical Magic, movies, Boys, Relationships, Personal, Life
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The Rules of Attraction.
08/19/09 at 10:15 PM by Miss Heartcore
If the person you are pursuing tells you that they're not interested in a relationship, that typically means that they don't want to be in a relationship with YOU.
Tags: 500 Days of Summer, Relationships, Dating, Life
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Between Dreams and Time
08/14/09 at 12:28 PM by Miss Heartcore
"It's very charming of you to be ignorant of the twisted logic of most relationships. Trust me. When we met I was wrecked, blasted, and damned, and I am slowly pulling myself together because I can see that you are a human being and I would like to be one, too. And I have been trying to do it without you noticing, because I still haven't figured out that all pretense is useless between us...You have to work at me; I can't get there alone."

Life is funny like that.
Sometimes you're the student and sometimes you're the teacher in relationships and coupling and dating.
It's about give and take and compromise.
It's about being good to each other.
To love and be loved in return...it's what life is about.
Tags: The Time Traveler's Wife, Boys, Relationships, Personal, Life
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The De Ja Vus
08/10/09 at 03:48 PM by Miss Heartcore
"I'm a little jealous of him. I'll admit it..." he said as he laid next to me.

I shrugged and turned over onto my shoulder--my stomach and mind spinning around trying figure things out. Things have been so fucking tense and stressful lately that the last thing I wanted was this shitty case of deja vu.

I've been here before--except it was November 2006 and the scene was my dorm room where I was sitting next to my boyfriend of three years.
I thought I had it all figured out until one trip and alcohol just destroyed everything. What would follow would be two years of head games from a kid who I finally walked out on this past December.

Everything is back to being cloaked in secrets. Every time I find something great, it's destroyed by some other force. I'm tired of being stuck in this place. I just want to find ONE thing---one GREAT thing for myself and be able to enjoy it.

And now I'm drifting further away from everything that made sense to me. I'm falling out of my comfort zone.
It probably should have just been you and me from the start. Something that was different from everything else...that no matter where I was thrown, you were always the constant.

But it isn't. It's never just us.

Eh, I'll figure it out eventually, I hope.
Because I have to live my life, whether it's with you or without you.
Tags: Relationships, Personal, Life
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Take my advice and boy run a mile.
08/06/09 at 08:21 PM by Miss Heartcore
Add This to the list of songs that hit too close to home. Sorry in advance?

Finders keepers the whole thing is a lie
You won't find her, cos she's too hard to find
Take my advice and boy run a mile.

And have another drink and then think this one over
You dig yourself a grave everyday you're not sober
Do you see what I mean
I have your best interests written all over me.
I could never be what you mean,

Finders keepers will you keep me in mind
I like secrets, cos they keep me in line
Old habits die hard, but I am too young to die...
Tags: Finders Keepers, You Me At Six, Boys, Relationships, Personal, Life
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You're so Vain...
07/13/09 at 05:43 PM by Miss Heartcore
...you probably think this song is about you.

And I do. I can think of several guys who would probably pin this to me:

I was too proud to call you that night
I couldn't run
I know running gets old in a way
You sure know how to make or break a day
Well, you just fled the scene
So hard to breathe

You think a lot about yourself so much
For someone who relies
On someone else's trust
I cower to your touch
You think I'd be the one to let go
So carry on

Thrilling to know
There is no control
She's got the soul of poet
And the fire of a bullet
She is what she is
Nothing less or unspoken
She don't love you no more
She's in love with a motive, yeah

This jealousy can't hold me over
I can't get mad
You know that anger gets all in your way
My jealous mind
It hates it but takes it
Those haunting memories
Are laced with secrets

Although I'm hard-pressed
To back from a fight
You think that this would end soon
But it's taking its time
Confusion, it is such an all-time bad written melody
Of course you'd sing
Please carry on

Thrilling to know
There is no control
She's got the soul of poet
And the fire of a bullet
She is what she is
Nothing less or unspoken
She don't love you no more
She's in love with a motive, yeah

Ask about her ways and her secret life
She'll say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ask her if she thinks she can sleep at night

She'll say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Ask about her ways and her secret life
Ask her if she thinks she can sleep at night

- "Love with a Motive"
Tags: The Audition, Love with a Motive, Theme Song, Boys, Relationships, Life
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"Nothing to write home about"
07/09/09 at 02:58 PM by Miss Heartcore
Sitting at one of my favorite bars, I'm two drinks in, laughing and enjoying the banter. Unfortunately the conversation was taking a turn that I hadn't expected.

Certain topics were being discussed for the first time and I was feeling uncomfortable. We normally always have an easy way about us. JM usually speaks his mind, in the best way possible. It's refreshing, really. Finally, a guy that makes me forget about my phone.

Except for now. This conversation is making me feel 16 and uncertain. He keeps telling me he wants to break down the walls that I put up. I'm starting to strongly consider a third or even fourth drink.

My phone beeps. First the first time all night, I'm excited for the distraction.

"Was that depressing [entry] about me?"

Heart sinks.


Not this, not now.

"What's wrong?" He asks.

I throw out my best MegOhio impression: "Nothing, it's fine. "

Home. I want to go home right now.

I forget what we were talking about. I don't think I want to remember.

I re-read the text to make sure I didn't imagine it.
I want to answer him.
I don't want to answer him.

I think back:

"I bet everything you write is about Sean, right? You're favorite", he challenges.

"Ha, not at all thank you very much. He's nothing to write home about."

"Oh so then they're about JM, right?"

I pause. "Uh. Actually, no. I don't think I've really written anything about him. It's just not like that."

I'm not sure what I mean by that but it makes sense in my head. It was never like that with him. We've been friends nearly 5 years and shared so many various experiences together--Especially the connection of long term relationships and heartbreak, and the lack of self-esteem. We've even seen each other in the best and worst conditions. He has no care for internet drama. He has met my family, and partied with my best of friends. He is real life.

Yet. for some reason, that statement really irked me.

"So how many entries have you written about me?"

Without even thinking, I respond with, "Well it depends........how many total entries are there?"

I could hear us both laugh.

"Seriously, is everything alright?"

"Yes it's fine." I need to leave. Every piece of good feeling I had for this night has been washed away and I feel like crying right where I sit.

We soon leave and there's a tense silence between us. I don't know what to say. He's not even involved in this.

When he pulls up to my house he holds me close and we regain some moment of tenderness before I escape to try and sort it all out.

Eventually I'm left with the quiet of my own room. I lay in bed next to the window and listen to the ocean. It was here that we spent so many nights being open and honest over the phone. One night, full of liquid heartbreak, I actually cried to you because, in a very rare moment, you had opened up your heart to me. And you spoke in a way that I had always longed to hear but had never lucky enough to receive.

He deserves an answer right? But it all seems so pointless as I've made my feelings clear with barely any reciprocation. This scenario isn't new, it's the same old argument that I've been on both sides of, with different people.

I would make the call just to hear his voice, but I can't. It's not that I've given up, I just lack the proper words and the strength to make it right.
Tags: Boys, Relationships, Personal, Life
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A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar
06/22/09 at 05:53 PM by Miss Heartcore
I haven't listened to this album in a very long time. I revisited it on the way home today and it utterly freaked my out how much it relates to my life as of late.

Dashboard has always been one of probably three bands whose lyrics I can relate to. This however, is strange how well it fits right now.

But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts

- "The Ghost of a Good Thing?

(it's a long way) is there anything
(for an answer) worth looking for
(is there any news) worth loving for
(is there any word) worth lying for
(is there trauma) is there anything
(or a struggle) worth waiting for
(am i missing) worth living for
(was the body found) worth dying for
- "Am I Missing"

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look, now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

- "Carve your heart our yourself"

And go on, go on, your cruel intentions
Won't solve your problems,
everyone’s gotta get bottom
bottomed out in the long run
and those are the times you need love.

- "Hey Girl"

What you've found sure upsets you
Never saw it coming did you?
Its easy to be surprised with both your eyes sewn closed
Handled with great precision, another thoughtless execution
You're the subject of this exhibition
A willing cadaver, a willing cadaver.
Scalpel, sutured.
Made whole again.

- "If you can't leave it be, might as well make it be"

Tonight, they're burning the roads they built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies,
while closing our caskets cold and tight. But I'm dying to live.

- "Several Ways to Die Trying"
Tags: Dashboard Confessional, Friends, Relationships, Life
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The Unfortunate Truth:
06/21/09 at 10:29 PM by Miss Heartcore

I've never been able to no matter how much I tried.

Is it really possible to save anyone?
Perhaps in a rare occasion we can do so unintentionally.

What's weird is that in certain ways, I think you've saved me.
Maybe one day I can return the favor.

Tags: Friends, relationships, mending, Life
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Piecing it together.
06/16/09 at 01:38 PM by Miss Heartcore
"ideas keep me up all night.
i miss who i was too?
except for the whole wanting to be dead thing...
oh i guess and the cheating and the lies.
but the rest i was ok with.
some of the time.
consciences are always heavier than egos.
i mean trust me i know.
doubled standards are tripled and quadrupled.
everything inflates with time.
on keyboards i put it all into reverse.
suddenly it all makes sense."

- Wentz

We are so hung up on the old us that we don't even realize that this is our chance to be even better than we were before.

I don't know what I want out of life, except maybe to be someone of substance and stature. I probably can't save you but I at least want to save myself.
Tags: Friends, Relationships, Life
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Last Updated: 11/02/15 (365,561 Views)
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