I wish the Blackhawks would have won tonight.
That game was so anti-climatic.
I wish people would stop using the word "legit".
Especially when my boneheaded high school friends say "Mumford and Sons is legit." No. Just....no.
I wish I could afford nice things.
Like an iPhone.
I wish I could be somewhere warm.
Florida sounds nice.
I wish Scott Walker would stop being such a dick.
My family needs money, bro.
I wish my roommate wasn't such a weenie.
He's the only reason I'm dreading going back to school.
I wish I knew what to do with my life.
Having three years to figure it out doesn't seem like enough.
I wish I could get over my self-image problems.
But then again......
I wish I looked nicer.
Then I wouldn't have self-image problems.
I wish I could delete my Facebook.
But it's the only way I keep in contact with my mom, and then she would call me every day.
I wish I had more to do on Spring Break.
Relaxing is nice, but adventures are better.
I wish I could write poetry.
I have a lot that I want to say, but I want to say it in a way that people can't figure out
I wish I could start over sometimes.
But in retrospect, I don't regret a single damn thing.
I wish I hadn't gained weight after high school.
I was so used to being 140, I don't know how to handle being 160. Not that I'm fat. It's just a shift in identity...ya know?
I wish my high school friends had given me a reason to miss them.
Now they're all just a bunch of dicks, and we don't hang out anymore.
I wish I didn't grow the past few weeks.
I just bought new jeans, and now they don't fit.
I wish I had never listened to Attack Attack.
My roommate was listening to them last week, and I sadly sang along under my breath.
I wish I had gone to school in Seattle.
I don't hate Chicagoland, but I always wonder what life out west would be like.
I wish I could play guitar better. And play bass better. And play drums better. And sing better.
I can't do shit.
I wish I could grow a mustache.
I'm trying to. It might be working. I just want a fancy mustache for two days. That's all I ask.
I wish I had kept playing basketball.
I quit in junior high. I think it would have been fun.
I wish I was a hipster.
Not forever. Maybe just for a week to see what it would be like.
I wish I had more to say.
I always wish I had more to say.
This is one of those albums that hits me every time I listen to it. This afternoon, I wasn't even listening to it...I was just THINKING about it, and even that put me in a "I need to get the hell out of here" mood.
I totally slaughter everyone when it comes to my speech class. Another project, another A. I even have women writing anonymous comments telling me that I look good. I'm like the Michael Jordan of COM 112, and I love every minute of it.
I'm trying to sign up to be an RA next year. I figure I'd be good at it, and it's the only sure-fire way I won't end up with the same roommate next year.
It's spring break. I didn't get to go anywhere cool. Living in a town of less than 5,000 people, that means I sleep for about 15 hours a day and watch tv for the other 9. It's perfect. I don't have to shower, I've been wearing the same pair of gym shorts for the past week, and I haven't spent a dime. I keep feeling like I need to do something, but I can't think of anything. It's kind of pathetic, but really really awesome.
This whole combination has been perfect for me because I've sworn myself to singleness at least until the fall. I figure I have no time or money to be dating right now, and so I don't have to make myself look nice. Ever. This past week was the first time in years that I've had a moderate internal struggle about whether or not I should shave my face. Eventually, I compromised, and now I'm trying to grow a mustache.
Gaining a new perspective on my love life (or lack thereof) has come with my pursuit of singleness. I've learned a lot about myself. For example, when I meet a girl that I know I'll never see again, I'm on my A game. I know I've got nothing to lose, so I go all in, and somehow it works. But when it comes to girls I see around on a daily basis, I'm a weenie. I don't want rejection. I don't want anyone to think that I'm an idiot. And I don't want to risk anything.
I've also learned that I will never, ever date a girl who I'm close friends with. Maybe that's just because I would never be interested in any of my friends right now, but I don't think it would be cool. I've done that before, and it leads to nothing but trouble. I think it's because I'm more into the thrill of just hitting it off with a stranger someday, like in the movies.
Speaking of movies, I watched Fast Times at Ridgemont High last week. It makes me wish I lived in the 80s in California, just to see if that's what it was really like. I also want to see Take Me Home Tonight, because it seems to be along the same lines thematically. I love the 80s. I didn't live then, but if I had, I would have LIVED.
I'm going to start watching Lost while I'm on break. I've been wanting to get into a good action/non-comedy series for a while, and this really cute girl told me that it was "the best show ever", so I figure I might as well.
I'm currently listening to this song. Reflecting upon the events that transpired this evening, it's very fitting.
I had a date tonight. It was with that girl I've been talking about the past few weeks.
It was ok. And that's pretty much all. Sure, there were some good moments - and a lot of awkward ones - but overall I think it went well. I'd bet that she feels the same way. But in the end, it just didn't feel right.
I've come to realize that I'm much better at being a friend - someone who's there to listen and just chill - than a boyfriend - someone who's constantly trying to impress someone to get their approval.
Don't get me wrong...I can't wait to find a girl and marry her. But would it be all that bad to be alone for a few more years? Of course not. I'll find the right girl someday. The past few weeks, I guess I've just been trying to force things too much. Before I got to college, I was in a relationship for every month of the last two years of high school. I broke up with my last girlfriend once I got here. So being single for a whopping 6 months has felt like an eternity to me.
I do have friends in all the right places. I've got ones who I can just chill with, ones who I can be crazy with, ones I can be serious with, and every other kind in between. Most importantly, I can be myself around all of them, and none of them give a damn if I'm cranky, wound-up, or anything else.
One of these days, I'll get a girl who can be all of these things (and more) for me. Til then, I wait....as long as I have to.
Oh, and by the way, the new Set Your Goals album needs to be released pronto. I've been listening to This Will Be The Death Of Us at least twice a day the past two weeks. I'm not complaining about that album, but I'm starting to get antsy.
This week's episode of The Office finally revealed Michael's movie "Threat Level Midnight". I'm personally stoked on this because a) I've been watching the series since the beginning, and I've always had questions about TLM, and b) I've been using the phrase Threat Level Midnight for years.
Community was amazing this week. It's definitely surpassed The Office as my favorite show on TV right now. For those of you who don't watch it, I suggest you start doing so.
I went to the Hellogoodbye concert this past Thursday at the Bottom Lounge in Chicago. Quick review:
Missed Now Now. You Me And Everyone We Know came back on the tour to play this show. I had never listened to them before, but I really like them. Gold Motel was OK. I didn't really care much for them, but they were good at what they did. Jukebox the Ghost was awesome. Hellogoodbye was incredible. The singer had a sore throat, but they rocked the house anyways.
The worst part of that night was missing the 10:30 train back to college and having to wait until 12:30 for the next one.
I'm writing a speech in favor of the abolishment of the death penalty, and it's going to kick ass. No one in my speech class is going to be ready for the onslaught of logic and factual information I'm about to unload.
There's going to be this dance at my school. One of my friends asked me to go with her, and I'm going to have to decline. She's not my type. I just don't know how to go about telling her no. She made this big elaborate poster and wrote this poem for me, and I appreciate all the work and everything, but I'm just not into her. This is forcing my hand either one of two ways: either hide until next Friday and ignore her, or tell her I'm going with someone else. However, the second option requires me actually finding someone to ask before I tell this girl that I'm going with someone else.
I have a feeling none of this is going to work out.
My intramural soccer team, Ferris and the Buellers, takes the field...er...gym floor tomorrow for the first time. None of us have ever played soccer; we're all just a bunch of nerds who want to be cool. We're taking this semi-seriously, so it should be fun.
Edit: I got the full story on the poster thing. There was a post-it note on the top with my name on it. This was in case I said no, so that she could just use it again when I said no. Now I feel less bad about not wanting to go with her. It's all going to be ok.
My mother called me today saying that I had received an envelope from a concert venue I go to occasionally. She told me it felt like concert tickets, but didn't open the envelope because "that would be rude".
Since being at college, I don't receive mail at home any more. Actually, I don't receive much mail here either.
Anyways, I gave her permission to open it, and she told me that I had received 16 free tickets.
I asked her if she was sure, because I didn't really believe it. She double-checked, and told me that they were actually drink tickets, meaning I had to pay the price of two drinks, and that was all. She gave me the dates of the shows and told me she would send the tickets in the mail, giving me strict instructions not to go to the concerts that weren't on the weekends (whatever).
When I was able to get back on the interwebz, I checked the concerts that the tickets were for, and I was kind of pissed.
So for anyone who's reading this who lives in the Milwaukee/Chicago area and would like a couple tickets for the following shows, hit me up:
Sat Feb 19: Escape the Fate/Alesana at The Rave
Thurs March 3: Chiodos/Emarosa at The Rave
Sat March 5: Darkest Hour/Born of Osiris at The Rave
Wed April 6: The AP Tour feat. Black Veil Brides and DRUGS at The Rave
Looking at this list, again, I say wtf.
Also bought my tickets for Hellogoodbye this Thursday and Senses Fail/The Ghost Inside/ Man Overboard/ Transit in March. The Senses Fail concert will be one of the only concerts I've been to where I actually listen to every band on the bill. At only $14 a ticket, I'm super stoked.
First order of business: I need your advice. Two concerts coming up in a couple weeks. I need to decide which one to go to: Hellogoodbye/Jukebox the Ghost/Such Gold, or Parkway Drive/Set Your Goals. Please and thank you.
I was determined to finish The Count of Monte Cristo by next Tuesday. I have 1000 pages left. Not happening.
Still can't get a job, still can't get a girlfriend, still hate my roommate, still can't grow a mustache.
The only thing having a lazy prick for a roommate is having a depressed lazy prick for a roommate. The idiot sleeps 12 hours a day, expects me to wake him up in the morning, eats all of my food, uses my printer and refuses to buy paper and ink, and the list goes on. He spends all day trying to make me feel bad for him. I'm about ready to kick his ass.
Wednesday, I talked to my secret lover - the one I saw at Chipotle. The next two days, I planned on asking her out, but I got the cold shoulder. Twice. My friends think it's funny to watch these events transpire, and then tell strangers about them. So now this could go one of two ways: either this girl and I get together, and it kicks everyone's ass, or the news gets around to her that I'm madly in love with her, and it kicks my ass.
I guess there's just a lot of potential ass-kicking going on this next week, but that's what happens when I have 16 gen ed credits this semester.
This man is my hero right now. He's by far my favorite musician, and if I could be anyone, I would be him.
The new Iron and Wine album is incredible. But that's not the issue right now.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to think of this.
Is there such a thing as destiny? Or was this just pure coincidence? Will I finally grow a pair and put myself out there?
Here's the deal:
There's this girl I go to school with who I've had a mad crush on for months. I've only talked to her a few times, but I'm pretty sure she's the only girl at this place I'd date. All of my friends know it, and they never fail to give me crap every time we see her.
Lately, my friends and I have been meaning to go to Chipotle. There's 2 that are within 10 minutes from campus, but we always go to the one which is further away, since it's open later.
Tonight, we went to the other one. Guess who was there.
I didn't say anything. I didn't acknowledge her. I just swore under my breath when we got there and then sat there with my friends and acted like I didn't notice her, but we all knew what was going on.
I can't talk to women. Just the idea of going up to this girl and making small talk right then and there made me absolutely petrified. My friends kept trying to talk me into doing it, but all I could say was "No. Not now, not ever. No."
As I was escaping from that wretched ordeal, my friends kept telling me that she was checking me out. I just walked out with my head down and didn't say anything. I got into my car, drove back to campus, and locked myself in my room, thinking about what the hell had just happened.
After I got over thinking that I was a sissy and will probably never ever live this down, I started thinking about fate and destiny. What compelled me to change my routine? Had I missed my chance? What do I do now? Is there such thing as destiny, or is this just pure coincidence, and I should just leave it as that and go on as if nothing happened?
Fuck. I need to sleep.
But seriously, check out the new Iron and Wine. It's not like anything he's written, and I mean that in a good way.
It's just been one of those weeks. I've just been lonely and bored and looking for a way to break through and deal with it.
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe it won't be so bad if I have to be alone for a while. Maybe there isn't someone for everyone, and maybe I'm just one of those people who isn't right for anyone. Maybe it's just better off this way, especially seeing my friends deal with problems with members of the opposite sex. But when they come crying to me about how it's so hard being with someone, or being flirted with, or being interested in someone that doesn't like them or vice versa, I always tell them at least they have something to keep them occupied.
First two days of classes down. Here's what's happening:
I don't know anyone in most of my classes. Looks like I'll spend this semester making new friends, or just sitting in the back row and keeping to myself.
It seems as if I'll have more homework this semester than last, even though my classes are generally easier now.
I appreciate my friends ten times more than I used to, even though they forgot my birthday. I missed a lot of people here, even the ones I don't talk to, just because I missed watching them be goofy.
I'm a total weirdo around girls. I never had this problem before, but I literally freeze up whenever I'm approached by a girl.
This week, I'm thankful for my black suitemates, because then I get MLK Day off. I never had that in high school.
My mom has already e-mailed me 5 times. That's the one thing I didn't miss about college.
I hate my cell phone, not because it's a piece of junk, but because it distracts me from actually having conversations with people, and whenever I get nervous when talking to someone, I take it out and look at it, expecting someone to call me.
I'm almost finished with Atlas Shrugged. I've been reading it since Christmas, and it's awesome, but it's almost 1200 pages long. It's about economics and philosophy and all this other stuff that I can't really explain, but I love it.
My roommate got me a sweet set of Skullcandy headphones for Secret Santa. They have gay little monkeys on them, but I'll just use them when I'm in my room. I still have earbuds I can use for running.
Lack of homework is causing me to spend too much time on the internet. However, the internet is slow, and about 6 times out of 10, the server can't load AP right away, so that deters me when I'm tempted.
All of the guys I live with are getting sick. It's doomsday.
Currently listening to The Receiving End of Sirens. I don't really remember why I bought this album, because I don't think I was into music when they were around. Still, it's solid.
Back to school tomorrow. The end of winter break couldn't have come at a better time. My lack of a social life lately has deprived me of good stories. On the other hand, I'll miss the fast internet at my house. Now I won't be able to use Mediafire as much, play Tetris for hours on end, or do anything cool on the interwebz.
Speaking of which, Married to the Sea:
Another thing I'll miss is my sister, because she buys a ton of music that I wouldn't and then I steal it from her. Example: the porting of the Sufjan Stevens discography that I do not own: The Avalanche and Michigan, as well as Cold Roses by Ryan Adams.
Mediafire and Amazon have been awesome for me over the past few weeks. Over the break I added to my library the following:
Like Moths To Flames - Sweet Talker EP
Set Your Goals discography minus This Will Be The Death of Us
Mumford and Sons - Sigh No More
The Tallest Man on Earth - The Wild Hunt
Lil Wayne - I Am Not a Human Being (don't ask.)
Minus the Bear - Omni
Valencia - Dancing With A Ghost
Deerhunter - Halcyon Digest
Jonsi - Go
Four Year Strong - Rise or Die Trying
Man Overboard - Real Talk
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Deftones - Diamond Eyes
Iron and Wine - The Shepherd's Dog
Band of Horses - Cease to Begin
Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism
Your Demise - The Kids We Used To Be
Wick-it the Instigator - The Brothers of Chico Dusty (Black Keys/Big Boi smash-up)
Monsters of Folk - s/t
Conditions - Fluorescent Youth
All Time Low - The Party Scene and Put Up or Shut Up (influenced by an AP poll)
Needtobreathe - The Outsiders and Daylight
Relient K - Forget and Not Slow Down
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes - From Below
A Lot Like Birds - Plan B
It Dies Today - Lividity (I thought this video was good, but it wasn't It Dies Today)
John Mark McMillan - The Medicine
Balance and Composure - Only Boundaries and I Just Want To Be Pure
That being said, I've got my original Xbox all packed up and I'm ready to hit the road bright and early tomorrow. And when I say bright and early, I mean like 11.