company closed so i got laid off, experienced receiving unemployment "benefits," got hired at a new place for more pay, one of my best friends got married, janine and i celebrated 6 months of marriage, i turned 26, and we put in an offer on a house.
my life is wonderful and yet my right eye(lid) twitches constantly.
i listen to the new fireworks full length on my commute to and from work and i love it.
we've started watching the show "las vegas" thanks to TNT and its reruns and we love it.
they've started carrying fat tire on tap here in NC and it is going to be the new trendy beer for people who hate hops but don't mind malt. hello 2004, i've missed you.
life is slightly weird now that i don't have time to post on here or anywhere else anymore. i miss my internet friends.
they struck down the ban on gay marriage in iowa. THERE IS HOPE FOR THIS COUNTRY.
when i came here today, a popup followed my mouse across the screen. my, how times have changed.
best interview ever, ending with an offer to work at the marketing firm. i accepted on the spot. it's only a week of vacation the first year, and this is a learning experience because i probably could've negotiated a second week, but this gig pays $40k. more than i was making at Graphics Ink. and my supervisor is a young person, oh my god finally ONE person my own damn age. having a real work friend would be wonderful.
thank you god for letting this be so easy. only two weeks of unemployment, and a better job to boot. i'll still be in a cube in an office in a warehouse (too funny) but everything else points to total upgrade. still business casual. still mostly editing. WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
side note: keep buying those LG phones and using DHL, people. it'll keep me in business at this place.
one more thing that is bothering me. i know you read this, i hope you read this. you know who you are. this whole thing is fucked up and i feel horrible about it. i was drunk when i sent you that message last night and i hope that didn't make things worse. but i wanted to explain myself. i can be a huge jackass and i like to be a smartass to people on here. but this was NOT one of those times. i truly had no idea what was going on. and i know we've never met, but you were nice to me on here from day one and i hope you see that i'm not a bad person. like i said, i am only responsible for myself...so i am hoping this can be cleared up.
so here i am, in my pajamas on the living room floor. it's almost 11 am. i filled out the "weekly certification" needed for the unemployment office. there's a week waiting period for all new applicants, so i won't get any money until probably a week or two from now. which isn't great but it's something.
i took a skills test yesterday at a marketing firm. i feel pretty good about it. but i guess we will see if i get a call for an interview. plus, i talked with a woman i used to do work for, and she is happy to have me continue doing work for her as a freelancer. so at least i will get SOME money at the end of the month. might not get paid until the end of march but again, it's money.
just gotta keep my head above water. janine's worried about her job security too. it will be devastating if we are both unemployed. i'm trying not to think about it. makes me a little sick.
so much shit went down at work yesterday. turns out they didn't pay our health insurance premiums for january, so i'm halfway to a lapse in coverage. now i have to figure out COBRA/getting on janine's insurance. shit is so expensive. it's ridiculous.
i don't wish this on anyone. now to continue scouring craigslist/careerbuilder.
i burned 17 CDs worth of music today from my work computer. i filed for unemployment. i submitted my resume to two people.
not without a fight.
i looked up BB&T on "the big list of failing banks" and they got more than $3.1 billion in the bailout. even if it wasn't specifically my money, it was someone else like me, hundreds of thousands of honest, hard-working tax payers like me, BAILING YOUR FUCKING BANK OUT in november...so you could foreclose on my company in february. on thursday. without any notice. another small business tanks while the fat cats continue to get paid.
not without a fight.
i'm sending emails to my reps on monday, so they can learn of what BB&T has done to me and my 40 other coworkers. we saved them and they killed us. we had work. tons of it. we just needed money to get the work done, to buy paper and ink. we had the business. our taxes GAVE YOU THE MONEY. and this is what we get.
the recession has hit my company. two layoffs yesterday, one this morning, plus a 10% pay cut for all employees via a cap in hours. so starting next week i'm only allowed to work 36 hours.
i'm telling myself that i still have a job and that is what's important. but this certainly throws a kink in the house-buying plans. good thing they pulled our credit last week haha
so i am making lemonade today. lots of lemons to work with. and if you know me, this is going to be spiked lemonade. because i drink as a coping mechanism, like all the drunks before me.
but i have janine and she has me, and we will make it through. this is supposed to be a 6-8 week burden, although i am sure it will be longer. for now, i'll work my 36 hours, enjoy my half days on friday and maybe use that time for me. i have 5 gazillion projects to work on...to finish, really. this is a time where entrepreneurs will come out on top.
"and you can take this however you want, yeah you can take this however you want, and don't be so, so sure this is all it adds up to yeeeeeeeahhhhhhhhh"
i am blasting music in my cube and they can come back and tell me to turn it down. music to cope until i can get my hands on a drink. this is how it has been, this is how it will be. i am rambling and typing and i don't want to be at work anymore today but i still have this job and it is a good thing. i'm going to decide this weekend if i want to apply for a job i heard about last week, or just stick it out here. it might be better just to ride out the storm.
after monday night's holier than thou text message session and apparent bitch-out of cool dude, straight girl (and poor lesbian) STILL ISN'T FINISHED. she couldn't just let it go. dude smoked with me. at my apartment. of his own free will. in fact, he asked if he could come smoke. neither janine nor i suggested it. we smoked three pipes. we didn't shoot heroin or eat babies.
janine and i talked about the whole thing for a while last night. we're both still in disbelief that these two girls (yes they are 23/24 but they are clearly not mature enough to be called women) with their own very evident fucked up lives would take it upon themselves to butt into ours. yes they are our friends, but none of this concerned them.
okay i'm ranting. back to topic.
last night janine's phone was dead so she plugged it into the charger and turned it on. immediately it beeps "message received," and we both say "oh jesus christ what now?" fully expecting more extremely-dead-serious-with-a-period-at-the-end texts from straight girl and/or poor lesbian.
it's a text from cool dude, saying "HELP ME! they called a family meeting tonight and have been sending me judgmental texts all day!"
what. the. fuck.
by this point it was far too late for us to do anything about his message. what could we do anyway? we can't have him move in with us or anything like that. can't really even offer him a place to crash. but this is getting wayyyyyy out of hand here. we smoked pot. GET OVER IT. it's not even like straight girl and poor lesbian have never smoked. straight girl has smoked a fair amount in her life and enjoyed it (despite the fact that she told cool dude she hated it every time HAHA yeeeeah right), and poor lesbian smoked a shit ton back in the day and loves to tell us about how she was addicted to weed (that's a big LOL as well).
full disclosure here: poor lesbian is training to be a country sheriff. but they asked where cool dude was going on monday, and why, and he told them. don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. and again. my apartment. he's not lighting up a bunch of doobs in his room.
so anyway, the plot continues to thicken. janine texted him back last night saying we got his text too late, but we haven't heard back from him. god knows. but i still reeeeally want to tell both SG and PL to fuck off and work on their own business, instead of ours. i am really at a loss here.
so i got my christmas wish of a nice fat sack. life is good. had a great time with my family during my 10 or so days off. got ripped with billy every day. enjoyed raisin nut clusters, the best munchie food of all. etc. and got to bring back a decent portion of that christmas wish to NC.
before i left, i promised straight girl and poor lesbian's roommate, who i will call cool dude, that i would bring some back and we'd smoke. i guess he used to smoke a bunch when he lived in western NY but hadn't in two months and change, pretty much since he moved to NC. and since janine's not smoking, or pretty much everyone else i know down here, it would be nice to have someone to smoke with from time to time.
so last night i was smoking a bit and had just gotten nice and toasty when we got a call from cool dude. janine and him were talking, and i guess he got into a car accident and a few days later lost his job. so he's got a fucked up car and no employment for the time being. then he asked if i brought back any of the NY stuff, which i did, and he's just kinda like "would you mind?" no, i don't mind, he had a shitty week and i said i'd smoke him up at some point. so he's going to come over.
then both janine and my phones receive text messages. straight girl has sent us both the same message: "he's looking for a job you know."
then a moment later:
excuse me? sooooo let me get this straight, straight girl. you're cool dude's mom? or my mom? or janine's mom? or some kind of person with control over our lives? because i can tell that you think you are, by the fact that not only did you use periods at the ends of your messages (much more serious than just a frowny face!), you had to send TWO messages, to emphasize your disapproval of other people's lives/choices.
this would be all well and good if in fact she was any of our moms, or didn't have a complete farce of a relationship going on. meaning, she has her own fucking problems, things much worse than cool dude smoking a few bubblers with me. cool dude's 22 years old. he's an adult. he can make his own choices. he pays his share of the rent. he didn't bring weed into their apartment. yet they still yelled at him as he left for our apartment and sent us those texts.
as he said to us last night, "i moved down here to be their roommate, and their friend, not to be the son they never had."
i don't know what else to say except that i'm flabbergasted. and incredibly annoyed. last night after we got those texts i got all adrenaline filled and angry, which ruined my buzz, so i am doubly pissed haha...but seriously, mind your own damn business. particularly straight girl. i know what's going on in your life, in your sham of a relationship. cheating on poor lesbian, nagging her all the time, your plan to get cool dude to move here so you could move out...and poor lesbian's constant neediness, although at times i don't blame her for being all clingy because if i never got sex or even attention from my partner i'd get that way too.
the dysfunction is astounding. anyway. i'm still not sure what to do about it all, because i want to say something, and by say something i mean scream at them to fuck off and get out of my business. because guess what, i already have a mom...and she's fine with my smoking, thank you very much.
first, it is my belief the that majority of people are closer (more comfortable, more connected, feel like they fit in best) with their mother's family. i know that is not everybody's experience, but it is mine as well as janine's, and many people i know. that said:
there was a card in the mail today for janine and me from my aunt (one of my dad's sisters), uncle and my two cousins. it was beautiful. they all each wrote a little blurb about how they saw the pictures online and we looked wonderful and happy and how they cannot wait to see us at christmas. but i got nervous as i was reading it. i searched for any possible insincerity, particularly from my cousins, in their messages.
i don't know why i still do that. nah, scratch that. i do. it goes back to what i wrote up top. because i've never felt 100% secure and part of the group with my father's side of the family. even more so as we all grew up. and even more than that now that i've been in NC for 3+ years. when we were younger my brother and i would go to family gatherings and our cousins (we have a shit ton) would laugh and get along and talk about stuff that neither billy nor i had any clue about. we always felt a bit left out. i think that's because their mothers were all sisters. and because my dad is horrible about relaying family info.
but i digress. i worried so much that my dad's family would hate janine secretly, that they would not really mean any of the nice things they said. it's an even worse feeling with our marriage, because a lot of people who are "fine" with gay people are not so "fine" with them getting married...for an example, see option two results of Kara's marriage poll. so despite the card and the wonderful messages, i still wonder if they really love me. or secretly judge me. i need to adjust my attitude. when cards from two more of my aunts (two more of dad's sisters), one of which was also signed by my grandma, came in the mail, i was excited and relieved.
i think it really is: i care what my cousins think because i never felt like i fit in, and i am nervous about janine going to boyle family christmas on christmas eve. my dad is one of 9, and every christmas eve we go out to yet ANOTHER of my aunt's house and sing carols and eat food and read "the night before christmas"...and this will be janine's first time. and mine, with a lady friend. not just abstract "steph is gay" but 100% real life example "yep, steph is gay, here's her wife"...i wish i didn't let that feeling get to me so much. i've just always felt weird about being the odd one out. i am the only openly gay family member. even my uncle's sister who looked/acted like a total dyke...up until she got married to some dude...well, i'm the only one. either way you'd think out of 23 cousins, there'd be someone else...nope. at least not in the open.
but you know what? i have the matriarch's blessing. grandma boyle has always loved me, definitely without a doubt loves janine, and that is really all i want or need. and she will be SO HAPPY to see us on the 24th. we didn't get to go last year because i caught a nasty stomach virus (booooo) and exposing my 89-year-old grandma to such a fucking awful thing was not a good idea.
anyway. i think i've thought this through enough. typing this out helped calm whatever unease i felt when i opened that card. and when janine gets home i'll talk with her about it.
the drops worked. i'm approved to wear contacts for 3-6 hours a day. which is way more than i usually wear them anyway. woo! things are looking up. when i have a chance i'm going to post photos of the protest we went to on saturday.
until then, there are some photos here: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/p...571&vi ew=all
i'm in the top right photo (in my glasses, ha), holding the "no on h8 sign" next to the rainbow flag. i don't know who took that picture but i like what they did with it.
I totally understand. I think black people deserve drinking fountains and schools, too. Itís not that I donít think that black people shouldnít have public sources of water and education, itís just that Iím not quite ready to let them have the SAME drinking fountains and schools as white people. Iím not being intolerant or hateful, and I definitely think black people deserve the same rights as white people, itís just that Iím not ready to completely let them drink from the same fountain as my white kids. Thatís all.
-evil beet, gossip blogger, defending gay people's right to marry
today is a new day.
it is a little surreal in a terrible way to turn on Anderson Cooper 360 and hear him talking about me and janine. we have the not so awesome privilege of being in legal limbo with about 16,000-18,000 other gay couples who married in California during the last 5 or so months. that's 32,000-36,000 Americans, all waiting to see who's gonna be the bigot to challenge the validity of our marriages.
janine and i keep finding new and heartbreaking things, like that we haven't even sent out all of our thank you notes for our wedding gifts and we might not get them all out before somebody challenges our marriage in court. or that looking at our wedding pictures now is bittersweet. that a day of so much joy, a perfect fucking day in our lives, a monumental day in our relationship, is being tainted by the bigotry of people who've never even met us.
one day i hope to look back and be able to tell my children (and maybe later my grandchildren), "your mothers were part of this struggle. we were part of that group who fought for our rights and won. for a time there it was a bit scary and we didn't know what would happen and the media made a huge deal out of 'will they stay legal?' on every channel on the damn tv so that there was no escaping the reality of the situation at all, but we prevailed. equal rights won out."
but there is hope. the state attorney general says our marriages are valid and the state will honor them, and he is preparing to defend that position in court, when the time no doubt arrives. the mayor of san francisco will continue to issue marriage licenses until he is sued to stop. the reverend who married us will continue to marry gay couples. there are several legal challenges already filed. protests are happening daily. WE WILL CONTINUE THIS FIGHT.
i don't know how much good it will do, but there is a petition circulating for the governator to re-open prop 8. at the very least, it will show how much support there is for same-sex marriage. if you're reading this, please sign it and pass it on to everyone you know: http://www.petitiononline.com/seg5130/petition.html
so Prop 8 passed. california's not as progressive as they and everyone else thought it to be. janine and i cried more than our fair share of tears last night. fell asleep in our bed in each other's arms, just like every night. it's weird and sadly comforting to know there are tens of thousands of people in our boat, that we were not the only ones crying our eyes out yesterday.
i woke up today in a strange calm. i don't know where it came from. when the bigots came out in force on my local newspaper's website to express their joy about how our rights were stripped, i answered them politely, wanted them to explain why they felt the way they did. there was no anger.
still with the calm. the lawsuits are being filed. this will not go quietly into the night. we will have our equality.
just got back from the eye doctor's office. i was hoping the worst part of it would be my guilt over circling "single" under marital status. because i'm married, but not legally here, so i went with how i file (and will file) my taxes. still didn't feel very good, but that's not the point of this.
for the better part of this year, my eyes have gotten incredibly bloodshot when i wear contacts, even for a very short period of time (sometimes as little as 2 hours). it's gotten progressively worse throughout this year, to the point where i'm waking up the next day with completely red eyes. i look like one of the infected from "28 days later." i've never experienced anything like this, and i've worn contacts for more than a decade now. though i will admit my contact usage has dropped dramatically in the three years i've worked for GI, because it's so dry in there, and my eyes get tired after hours of reading.
so i went in for my eye test today and mentioned it all to the doctor, thinking maybe i had some kind of underlying infection and the contacts were just making it worse. they did the battery of normal tests, numbing drops, poking the eye, "which is better one or two," dilating my pupils. he flashed the bright lights at me, made me look up and down, writes a few things on my chart, etc.
he tells me that my prescription hasn't changed a bit. GREAT news! then he says, "stephanie, you have extremely dry eyes." oh okay, not too big a deal, right? he says that this happens more with women, but i'm showing the signs a bit earlier in life. okay, still not too big a deal..."this usually shows up in women in their late 30s, early 40s."
WHAT THE FUCK??? THAT'S NOT A BIT EARLY, THAT'S REALLY FUCKIN EARLY. like by a decade or so.
basically, my eyes are so dry that every time i wear my contacts it rips the outer layer of skin off my eyes, hence the super bloodshot eyes, and also why the right one stays a bit bloodshot in the mornings. people who wear contacts need enough moisture so the lens slides around, and i obviously don't have that. so he says that for the next month, he's putting me on some kind of extreme moisturization program, drops in my eyes 4 times a day, and in a month he'll check me again. and then maybe my eyes will be moist enough so that i can wear contacts again in my life. otherwise, no dice.
so i am upset, very very upset, because although i do not wear contacts often, there are times where i need to wear them (in the ocean) and/or want to wear them (hello, my wedding). i blame my work environment for this, for at least exacerbating this condition, because the whole reason i stopped wearing contacts regularly is because this place dries them out to the max. the more i think about it, many many people here wear glasses...so right now, the last place i want to be is here, in the desert that is my cube. i'm going to talk to the GM about it, to see if there is anything she or i can do to make it better in here.
this really, really sucks. i hope these fucking drops work.
i could spend a week answering that question, over and over and over again. how when i hear certain songs, like "bend and not break" by dashboard and "three evils" by coheed i think about rocking out in my single junior year. that was one of the best and worst years of my life but sometimes i'd still kill to relive it. not to change a single thing, just to relive it.
i can't listen to motion city soundtrack anymore, because "commit this to memory" was the soundtrack of my cheating on janine and the cd i listened to every time i'd drive to therapy in the ensuing months. how many times did i listen to "attractive today" and the line 'and as i gently sip this drink, i think about my lack of future' or "LGFUAD" and 'the bmx bike of my life is about to explode, i'm about to explode' or "hold me down"...i am a bastard of a human being at times. it physically hurts to listen to those songs.
some people say smells/scents take them back to certain times or make certain memories come forth. but for me it is music. it will always be music.
say anything "resounding"--turning it up as loud as i dared in my dorm room sophomore year, screaming into my speakers "if i could take one thing back, i would write the perfect song for you. you would have never left. and if the chords progress the way i mapped them out, then they will wipe your tears away and all your doubts"
the rocket summer "tv family"--coming home after working all night, eating some eggs for breakfast, then smoking a bowl and writing letters to Allie out on my roof. i wrote on purple paper because it was her favorite color. i wrote on my roof because it was quiet and peaceful and just felt right. i wanted so badly for her to love me.
lots of fall out boy TTTYG when she said to me that day out on the lawn as we ate chinese, "i don't love you." just like before i started chasing her, when she had already kissed me and watched the sun rise with me but then she was dating dave iman and clearly hated it because she liked women but more importantly liked ME and all i could do was play "grand theft autumn"...because "you need him? i could be him..."
taking back sunday "little devotional"--kim and marie and chautauqua, the whole crew of us newspaper interns walking around the streets of the rich people's summer camp, me playing this song on my freaking CD player and my giant headphones, in my own little world jumping around because the drums hit right to my core.
the postal service "the district sleeps alone tonight"--going to dinner in the dining hall with my friends senior year, listening to this song on janine's mp3 player, waiting for them all to finish putting tons of food (bagels, cereal, anything they could get their hands on) in their pockets, and then running toward the door, and at 3:07 when the tempo shifts for the second time, bursting through the doors of the dining hall out into the snow and cold, sliding across the parking lot in my shoes. laughing, so much laughing, and the shift up in tempo went along SO PERFECTLY with what i was doing.
the postal service "such great heights"--janine, simply janine. my girl's face, the little trinket box she made me when we first started dating. our love, it was and is as perfect as it could be.