maybe you have to go through a whole bunch of darkness just to get to the light.
i saw janine again tonight. been waiting since last saturday. there's still so much there between us. she still loves me so much despite what i've done, and i still love her despite what i've done. i don't know how this works. i don't know where this is going. she's been my safety net for years, and it's true i'm anxious because of my flight tomorrow (today), my first tattoo, and seeing my giant fucking family. first time i'll be at the cottage in almost a decade, which is crazy when i say it out loud. my grandma has been wondering when i'm going to get to canandaigua. sweet home canandaigua. she's more excited than i am, i think.
i was a baby the last time i was there. i was someone else. i still feel like a kid sometimes.
so the tattoo will be sheet music, the notes to the lines "i won't always love what i'll never have; i won't always live in my regrets" from 23. this song was a late entry to the tattoo party, but i don't think it can be anything else. I WON'T ALWAYS LIVE IN MY REGRETS. perhaps one day i'll be lucky enough not to have regrets. ha.
"you said you never have regrets, jesus is there someone yet who got that wish? did you get yours, babe?"
jimmy eat world has always been a favorite of mine, but lately their music has reached up and slapped me in the face, and i've taken notice.
so there will be pictures posted, befores, durings, and afters. i'll hope my adrenaline rush comes quick, and that i can see through the pain. at least my mommy will be there to hold my hand
i had another fucking bad dream about janine last night. this time a friend of mine (who in my dream was a mutual friend for some reason, as they've never met in real life) called me a crazy, distraught lesbian behind my back. and janine was still going after other people.
the thought of her being with someone else, having someone else between her legs, makes me sick. if i think about my two dreams too long, i start to feel physically ill and get that black mass in my chest.
it's a classic case of, i don't want you but i don't want anyone else to have you, and it has to do with my selfishness more than anything. feelings are temporary.
i just want to stop dreaming this shit.
edit: my therapist keeps prodding me to write more, so that's what i'm doing. if anyone wonders about the flurry of posts.
the topic at tonight's meeting was the bottom. everybody has a different story. we all ended up here for the same reason, a desire to quit drinking. some had it worse than others. it's hard not to think about my bottom and think, wow, at least i wasn't homeless or smoking crack or in jail or on my second DUI...but that's not what it's supposed to be about.
there were so many times that i could consider my bottom. the all day hangovers, calling my wife a cunt, getting into nearly physical altercations, driving when i shouldn't have been driving, etc. if i think about it long enough, my bottom came the day my friend saber died. my drinking was out of control. he was the guy i could say, "well i'm not as bad as him..."....and i loved the kid. he had the best of intentions, but he was swallowed up by his mental illness and his addictions.
his death put me in a horrible depression, to the point of me thinking that i might actually hurt myself. i was drinking every day. my job stressed me out to the point of tears, me crying in the handicapped stall. i started to be swallowed up too. so i went back into therapy.
i kept drinking. therapy wasn't working. my therapist finally suggested i go on medication, and i agreed. i just wanted to feel better. i couldn't live like that anymore. i decided to quit drinking at the same time, even if it was only for the duration of the time i was medicated.
that was probably the best decision i'd made in my life up to that point.
i white knuckled it for 5 months, smoking weed when i could, and abusing my anti-anxiety meds. but i didn't drink. we got back from my parents' house in april, and again i decided i couldn't live that way any longer. i couldn't white knuckled anymore. so i decided to go to an AA meeting.
i joined at my second meeting. that was the best decision i've made in my life up to this point.
i've hit a couple of terrible lows since i got that white chip, but AA is giving me the tools to deal with real life. there's no more numbing myself. there's just room for improvement and learning from my mistakes.
i had a therapy session today, and my therapist is pleased with my progress. i'm starting to get better when it comes to my obsessiveness (i have far, far more of the O than the C when it comes to my OCD), realizing that these feelings i have are intense, but they are temporary. i'm resisting knee jerk reactions, and trying to sleep on things more often. if it still seems like a good idea in the morning, then so be it.
feelings are temporary. feelings won't kill me. drinking will.
i've decided on a final tattoo design. the notes from "23" when jim adkins sings, "i won't always love what i'll never have; i won't always live in my regrets..."
in AA, we don't shut the door on the past. we learn from it. we don't live in our regrets. we realize that what's done is done, and that no matter what we've said or done, we've ended up in the rooms. we're sober.
since i have nothing better to do and the forums are slow, i decided to go through my music list for 2010 to date.
2010 releases i'm digging (in no order)
Titus Andronicus - The Monitor
The Reign of Kindo - This Is What Happens
Ra Ra Riot - The Orchard
The Narrative - S/T
Kevin Devine - She Stayed as Steam
Angus and Julia Stone - Down the Way
The Rocket Summer - Of Men and Angels
Mansions - Best of the Bees
Rufio - Anybody Out There
S. Carey - All We Grow
Transit - Keep This to Yourself
albums i found this year/rediscovered
Arrows - Modern Art & Politics
Down For The Count - Broken Record Tactics
The Early November - The Acoustic EP
Jimmy Eat World - Futures
GIVERS - S/T EP
The Graduate - Anhedonia
Ra Ra Riot - The Rhumb Line
anybody who's reading this, please comment and leave me some recs. i have an abundance of time these days, and i'm trying to fill it with music, making up for a huge lack of time in past years.
so then i wouldn't wake up feeling like shit, and telling myself "oh, it was just a dream, everything's okay." except when you dream that your estranged wife is in your house (which, since it's a dream, was my parents' house for some reason), using your tupperware and telling you that she's met some guy and is fucking him. however, my brother and jenn comforted me in my dream, let me cry, let me vent.
and then the alarm went off, and i woke up to a kitten on my head and a sick feeling in my chest. but that's going to be reality some day, right? she's going to meet someone else, and fuck them, and that's just how it will be. that's what happens when you break up. people move on.
it just felt so wrong, so sickening. i hate having vivid dreams like that. times like these i wish i was still smoking or drinking, so i wouldn't dream. but it's better to be alive than hiding from life.
it may be easier not to dream, but you have to face things at some point.
turn your life and your will over to your higher power.
god, that makes my life so much simpler. i don't worry about hardly anything anymore, whereas a year ago fear and worry had a stranglehold on me. that's not to say i don't still have terrible bouts of anxiety and/or sadness. i just seem to be able to get them to go away faster and at the same time know that they will absolutely pass and i'll be okay again soon enough.
i've been waiting for something like this for so long. i keep getting asked how i am, and i really, really do feel better than i have in a long time. and it's all due to letting go. "wanna fly, you got to get rid of the shit that weighs you down." i memorized that quote for my AP Literature class/test, and it's remarkably true. so i do my best not to worry, and so i don't.
i learned today that Titus Andronicus will be playing on Duke's campus on sept. 21. it would be nice to have a concert buddy, but i really can't worry about that. i just like that things worked out that way - the same day The Monitor finally clicked with me, i find out they're playing less than 20 minutes from my house....and despite no pre-sales, will probably not be sold out by the time i walk through the door.
my kitten's claws are getting just a tad sharp. i went from bruises all over to scratches all over. got a nice slice through my palm tonight. and yet, i am looking forward to finding and bringing home Nibbler's sibling on Friday. maybe he'll be less bitey/clawsome if he has a playmate during the day.
i have music, i have a cat, i have my freedom. can't ask for much more than that.
to be free again. i feel better than i have in a long time. i'm making my own decisions and taking care of myself as best i can. the kitten is frisky and figuring out the litterbox. i've made some friends in AA. i'm at peace with being single, for the most part. i'm trying not to worry about anything, the mortgage, my job, my wife. just trying to let go and live one day at a time. and it seems to be working.
i'm at work for another hour and a half, and i'm bored and feeling lonely. being bored these days is not good for me. i used to combat the boredom with beer. i can't stop thinking about last night, and i used to combat obsessing over things with beer.
my therapist asks me every week if i've been writing, and i have to tell her no. so i thought, since i had the time, and putting things down on paper (figuratively in this case) usually helps me gain perspective, if not feel a bit better. this feels like the makings of some kind of song, at least that's how it wants to come out.
you say "i think i'm gonna go to bed" and give me a hug goodnight
my gut flips and i accept my plan's not going to go right
so i hug you back and agree to hang next week some time
drive off with my stereo too loud pretending i feel fine
i get to the on-ramp and pick up my phone, pause
now i'm dialing your number against my better judgment
they all say to stay away from you but i just can't help it
"what if i said you shouldn't go to bed yet?"
and you laugh and say "you want to come over for a while?"
so here's plan b and i find myself in your room again
we're watching it's always sunny but this time our arms aren't touching
you're behaving and i wonder if i dreamed monday night
bedtime for you so we head back downstairs, i gather my courage and turn around
"i have no morals, and you know, you puzzle me..."
i try to look you in the eye, but my gaze just goes right down
awkward's getting worse and you say you don't mean to
and you are tempted for sure, but you can't do this to her
she doesn't deserve it
none of us deserve it
well i go for it anyway and you pull me into a hug to keep me from landing that kiss
how did my life end up like this?
it's what i wanted, what i thought i wanted
my text says "let's pretend that never happened, night"
you don't reply but maybe that seed's been planted
if you're unhappy there are other chances
it's nearly 2 am and there are meteors in the sky
i look up and see the perseids and i wonder why
i am who i am and i do what i do
and how to focus on me and not on you
so i'll pray to god and ask for willingness
to trust in his plan and hope for the best
Late one winterís night, basking in the candle light of your apartment. The wine is by your side and refills come in torrents and theyíre frequent, and relentless. Slow jazz fills my head but the volumeís too low and Iím straining to hear it. The lyrics are a blur, but I think itís an old love song of heartache in Germany. She met my eyes and said ďI know itís only early, but it feels late and I donít feel so good.Ē Thereís a photo by your bed of the two of us in Europe and it scares me to think of how many different men wouldíve cast their eyes upon it on a Sunday morning. When we sat on the curb outside my sisterís house, "Did you really think I loved you? Are you that optimistic, or are you just that fucking naive?Ē you asked me.
today's song is "make my day" by Down For The Count. this one's been on my iPod for a year or two now, but the other day it popped into my head and now i can't stop listening to it. because really, this is how i feel right now:
make my day and let me be the one to weaken you
it's all play until we close the door behind us and wrinkle the sheets...
this (NC) weather's got me sweating to your heartbeat
and now you've got me falling off the edge of my seat
and when we lock lips or play it safe and do the mellow thing with baby steps
i'll be ready for you
because really, i don't know if you can be preyed upon when you willingly put yourself in that position. but i know i'm ready for it. god, i'm ready. i keep getting this feeling she won't show up to the meeting tonight. but it isn't in my hands. if she doesn't show, she doesn't show, and i work on my patience.
The Reign of Kindo - This Is What Happens
Arrows - Modern Art & Politics
The Narrative - S/T
Ra Ra Riot - The Orchard
Mansions - Best of the Bees
part of this is a record for my EOY list. can't forget Kev Dev - She Stayed as Steam, Angus and Julia Stone - Down the Way, The Rocket Summer - Of Men and Angels, Stars - The Five Ghosts
stuff i'm anticipating: YMAEWK, JEW, TBS. hooray for acronyms. oh and as of 8/12, Valencia.
back to the blog title. i'm in so far over my head. i am not in control of any of it. i feel like i'm in a big wave pool, or in the middle of an earthquake. the ground is not steady. can you be considered prey if you know you're being stalked by a predator, and you plan on being caught? even if it's against your better judgment to let the lion catch you? and on top of that, the rest of your life is an insane mess?
i gotta stop thinking about this. it's not in my hands, and what will be, will be.
is a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself. i get to write down my resentments, and my part in them.
resentment #1: people who question my sanity
the cause: they aren't even talking to me personally; they're just going by what i post on facebook.
affects: my self-esteem, personal relationships, pride
my part: i'm posting a lot on facebook because i don't have much of a life outside of AA/work/dog lately. i post what comes to mind, what i'm thinking at the moment, what i think about what others have said...maybe i'm coming on too strong?
haha shit, just like the big book says, all i'm thinking is that these people are wrong and i am right. gotta work on this a bit more.
to see what she's going to do. she told me last night that she's not sure what her plans are for the rest of august but she'd know after this weekend. i'm doing my best to be patient.
i'm feeling kinda confident this week, and i was going to ask this other girl out after our AA meeting last night, but she didn't show up. as i posted several places on this site today:
but. i friend her on FB, so we'll see if she accepts. then the plan will continue in motion. also, i have three more sets of tickets after this, so it's not like i couldn't try again next week, if it doesn't work out this time. i'll see her at a meeting again eventually. i just wanted to ask her while i'm riding this confidence boost. ha.
i'm also trying my damndest to get more involved with AA people outside of AA. i need more friends. even if this chick isn't interested, maybe i can at least make another friend.
so i guess we'll see. hooray for friday nights with no plans, so i can sit on my ass and relax. this week has been too damn busy, and i feel bad that i haven't been able to pay the dog any attention.
she told me today that she was completely booked this weekend, but that maybe we could pick a weekend in august for her to visit. i just don't understand her sometimes. but i'm just glad she told me what was up, and i'm trying not to worry about anything else.
something is working with all of this AA stuff. i told my therapist that today and she's like don't question it, just go with it. haha.
so that's what i'm doing. now freelance work for the third day in a row.