It is weird to have her so close. I park in the parking lot know that had I the ability to see through wall she may be in plain sight. She is close now, closer than she has been for 3 months and yet it doesn't feel as though she is close at all. I knew a girl once, one that found a way to get my defences down and steal my heart. I do not know any-more what has happened to this girl or if she even existed. Not so much a statement unto her, but rather a statement on how the time can play tricks on the mind. Moments after a rather large scar, one looks down and figures it is all they will be able to think about, and all people meeting them will be able to think about for the rest of time. But no matter where the scar, it eventually begins to fade and is not the first thing you believe people notice, but rather just a part of your life that is just sort of there.
I feel as though she is mad at me, I got her message only recently on here, I had her on ignore. It was sweet and while the sentiment was not lost on me, it seems rather inconsequential now. Too much time has passed to respond and my heart hurts to much to read it over again. I drank last night for most of the day, a yearly night were we drink our height in beer. Eventful in more ways then one, but after about 9 hours I was taking a break on the couch, taking it all in when a friend, not a close one mind you, but a friend none the less joined me on the couch. He reminded me how I was supposed to feel like shit and that I could talk to him if I wanted. Really I only have about 4 people in the whole world who know everything about me and that I actually feel I can talk to. Some more-so than others but it is a support system none the less. So then I felt like shit and it has continued into today. So it goes I suppose.
I have given more thought to the move. Everything seems worse in first week. The parties are louder, the drama is more pronounced, people who are shy are getting wasted and certainly more talkative than usual. This place has not changed, but the way I feel about it has. I miss when it was empty, I miss having space from my family and friends, and I miss my old house. Home is where the heart is and mine is not here any-more. I am giving myself two months here, and I do have new people to hang out with and do shit with, but really all the pressure from Richmond Hill have followed me here and I will likely be moving away for grad school anyhow, after said two months I will decide.
Today sucks, today is a reminder of everything that has gone wrong in the past and that will go wrong in the future. Today is a reminder that I am still depressed.