| | |
|underatortoise's Photo Blog
|you may never find this or read this, but hey, that's the point, right?|
there are so many things i wish i could say to you, but even talking to you seems unfair. i don't regret ending our already ended relationship, but i hate how things are now. you've made the mistake of thinking that you're the only one who is grieving a loss. you think i've moved on, hooked up with other people, not thought about you.. you're wrong. i think about you everyday. i miss you. i see things and wish i could text you about them, because you're the only one who understands. you were my best friend. i could tell you anything.
admittedly, i was cruel in the beginning. calling you by my ex's name, the slapping, the teasing, the taking for granted.. but last summer it really hit me how terribly i was treating you, and i actively improved my behaviour. i just wish the same had happened for you. the break, then the break-up did nothing to show you how much i needed you to be the guy i fell in love with. my heart broke months before i broke it off with you, because i knew that we were over.. the denial and last shreds of hope are what had me hanging on.
when i heard about your dad, i just wanted to call you, come over, be with you.. but even my half-communication on twitter was completely unfair. i want to talk to you all the time, and next year you expect me just to look at you indifferently?! i loved you so much, and still love you, though in a new way. i loved you in a way that makes what i had with matt look like a fling from elementary school. i loved you like i feel i will never love again. you think that because i didn't love how you were the past few months of our relationship means i didn't love you enough, or at all? that i simply loved your 'potential'? i didn't love your potential. i loved you in spite of the way you had changed, i loved you through the months of waiting, the endless promises, the second chances..
you burned me out of your life.. you want to forget i ever existed. i don't want to forget you. you were amazing. when i see you next year, i won't put on some fake-face. i'll have to hold myself back from hugging you and asking you the pile of questions that have building up this summer. i still want to know about you. you still mean something to me, and just because i don't want you in my life as a boyfriend, doesn't mean i don't want you there at all. this is unfair, i know, and completely impossible, as i know you want to "get over me to be fair to your next girlfriend" but i refuse to be indifferent to you.
i read your blog often, which is now the only way i can feel like i am talking to you, and it makes me really happy to see how well you're doing, and also very sad that you have made certain assumptions or remember things so terribly.. i hope hating me is just part of your process and that later you will remember me in a good light (that is, if you choose to remember me at all).
i wasn't ready for such a nice guy when i met you; all i've ever known is 'douchebaggery' as you would say.
i know i didn't deserve you back then, but i didn't deserve having to lose you now.
sometimes i imagine what it would be like if i hadn't done it. you, in guelph, upset all the time at me not giving you enough attention. me, at the cottage, annoyed at all the phone calls and accusations. that night, when you came back for me, turning you away again was absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done. but it was for the better, and i hope you see the good in us being apart.
i really hope we talk again. you changed my heart forever, Chris.