's Blog |
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| spilling thoughts
| | a playlist for when my feet pounded the pavement. |
running and music. right now I think those two things might be the only things keeping me sane. i ran 4 miles today and here was my playlist:
Card House Dreamer- This Providence
Skinned Knees & Gapped Teeth- Dear and the Headlights
To Them These Streets Belong- Rise Against
She Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty- Vic & Jonny
Sentencing- Boys Night Out
Do You Feel?- The Rocket Summer
In Fear And Faith- Circa Survive
God And Mars- Days Away
Fate-Lydia
Sensible Heart- City and Colour
Heads Or Tails, Real Or Not- Emarosa
Time To Dance- Panic at the Disco
shuffle and go. rarely do i skip songs, even if they are slower ones, as you can see. sometimes those are the best ones for me to run to because i'll just disappear into them and forget that i am running. i hate leaving my apartment, but once i'm outside looking at the sky, feeling the air on my face...i can almost say i'm enjoying it. maybe someday.
| | Tags: running, playlist, random, shuffle, smiling even though your lungs burn |
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| | number 4. |
four. four times. four times that i have now seen the dark knight in theaters. i'm not sure i'll ever get tired of watching this movie. there is always something new to focus on, ponder, realize.
today one of my roommate's left to visit her grandmother on her death bed. she got there with just enough time to say goodbye. i'd say my prayers are with her, but i don't believe in them. my thoughts will have to suffice: i hope her and her family are okay and that they are able to come together in the time of sadness.
sadness. my day was far from it. i almost feel guilty for having such a good day, when she is having to deal with a death. we pretended we were five. turning back the clock to when riding fair or amusement park rides was the highlight of the summer. back to when funnel cakes, elephant ears, and shaved ices ruled our thoughts.
the ferris wheel
fountain
batman?
sometimes it's nice to be able to seemingly reverse time. even if it's just for pretend.
| | Tags: the dark knight, rides, being a kid, pictures, death, |
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| | running to maui? |
running. it's been something i've hated for a while. tonight was different. tonight i wanted to run, i wanted to run away from my apartment and my roommates. for once it was actually enjoyable. i doubt i'll ever be able to or want to run a marathon, but i think i may have found an outlet for my bitterness towards my roommate. i was free and i didn't have to respond to her biting comments. granted the moment i returned home, the feelings were back, but at least i had sometime to think them over...i wish i knew if it was just something i need to get over in my head or if there is something real to my feelings.
maui. my family just got back from there minus me. it was for my parents twenty-fifth anniversary, but my brother and sister went too. i was not invited, instead i got to fly home and watch the dog/take care of the house tasks. i wasn't upset about this until i saw pictures that my brother posted yesterday. i guess i was trying to pretend i didn't care, even though it would have been nice to spend some time with them, since i rarely get to see all of them together anymore. oh well, at least i got to see some friends from high school, that i might not see for a while as they are traveling overseas soon.
| | Tags: running, roommate issues, family, maui, |
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| | only 3 hours to go. |
yawns and steadily blinking eyes. three hours until the Tour de France starts. i'm an addict. i don't watch any other cycling races nor do i keep up with whos who and teams until july hits. i'm hoping for cadel evans having a good tour, he's my favorite, mainly because i liked his name, luckily he's also good.
one of the roommates is leaving later today. i'm driving her to the airport. this time away was needed, she just doesn't know that it was essential for my mind's inner peace and overall health. she wears me down and somehow gets under my skin like no one else does. and yet we are strangly very similar, maybe that's the problem.
my ex has decided he wants to talk to me again. i'm not sure why, but he also insists on making the conversations as awkward as possible.
i watched fireworks a few hours ago in a park with pretty much everyone else in the town. the college essentially makes up the town, so during summer there is a severe dearth of people in apartment land where i live so it was nice to see the rest of the more permanent residents and families. it's something you don't find too often on the westside. you also don't find the college's fight song in any fireworks soundtracks anywhere on the westside, it made me smile. i also got hit with fireworks set up by my roommates, the wind knocked it over, luckily i didn't catch on fire or anything, but i feel like i might have some bruises on my leg sometime soon. overall an interesting fourth, but i miss my friends who i spent my fourth with last year.
some french to get me ready, if only they actually spoke in french on the telecasts. j'espere que je te voyais. peut-etre tu etais la, tous les personnes de la ville etaient la. nous rencontrons seulement dans les temps au hasard quand je ne prevois en regardent toi.
| | Tags: fireworks, tour de france, 4th of july, musings about boys, |
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| | swing life away. |
today i took a walk across the town just to swing on a swing. a perfect swing, one where you can swing high enough to scare yourself a little. a swing where if you swing for long enough all you can see is blue sky and tree tops as you swing forward. i needed to feel the air skim across my face, i needed to feel something today. right now i'm feeling lost and confused about what to do, here or there, stay or go. i thought the swing would give me all the answers, instead it showed me the blue sky that i wanted to take a rocket to.
after my swinging, probably the longest i can remember ever swinging, i decided to jump off. i wasn't even that high but i proceeded to land on my feet, then my knees. fuck, i hope noone saw that-the thought that floated through my head. oh well, i decided to go sit down. and as i lifted my foot onto the step, i saw red on my broken, sock showing converse. oh shit. a stream of blood was dripping down my knee and puddling into my sock. i had scraped my knee. i felt like i was in elementary school again, except that there was nowhere and noone to run to clean off my gravel wound. what else could i do besides walk back home...instead of walking on the path, i chose the train tracks. don't worry no trains ever go across them, that i know of. luckily taco time has outdoor restrooms, so i cleaned off the blood and hoped that my knee would cooperate and not bleed the rest of the way home. it did, but the mosquitoes decided that i needed more blood loss tonight. oh well. all that because i decided that i needed to swing. at least it made me feel a little better, a little more alive, a little more like everything will be okay.
| | Tags: swings, blood, walks, feeling like a child, sky |
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| | uncertainty. |
"nothing you've ever planned on ever turned out the way you planned"
why is that line always so applicable?
a summer of teaching gymnastics/weekends off/apartment living verses working in retail/8 hour days of boredom/and living at my parents.
the plan verses reality. damn.
| | Tags: summer, plans, life |
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| | the westside tomorrow. |
the westside. a term that people in eastern washington use to describe the area west of the mountains. it is not used by people from the westside, nor do they call eastern washington "the eastside" (at least i don't know anyone that does). also i don't think they know that eastern washingtonians use the word for their region (i know i didn't, until i came to school).
for some reason i find the use of the word interesting, especially since i use it all the time here, but i rarely here it from people who live on "the westside".
so i'm on the westside for almost two weeks. i guess i'm excited, i was just there for some shows, but i'm worried that seeing my family everyday will be stifling. the lack of communication there is frustrating.
| | Tags: westside, home, travel |
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| | former somethings. |
we are all our pasts. i guess this is kind of obvious, but sometimes i forget that. it sneaks up on me sometimes. that urge to skip, walk along a straight line, flip, twist, hop. ah gymnastics, i thought i could get rid of you, but my synapses are still telling my muscles that they need to be upside down, stretched out and spinning through the air. we all reminisce about what we could once do, we're all the same, it won't leave us, we try and it keeps coming back, and we won't say no. we are too old, too fat, too slow, too hurt, so instead we have convinced our muscle memory that coaching is close enough, close enough for comfort, close enough because sometimes our bodies allow us to be 12 again and we flip, we spin, we play.
| | Tags: past, gymnastics, old |
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