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Last night of To-Go training.
02/23/12 at 06:51 AM by troublelovesme
I limit myself in so many ways. It's terrifying and frustrating when I take a risk.

Last night is the first night I have ever physically felt "weak in the knees."
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Watching 10,000 B.C. with my mom
01/20/12 at 10:28 PM by troublelovesme
I know what it's like to be a hormonal teenager, and I know what it's like to be genuinely unhappy. I wish I could say that I am completely an adult in all of my views and beliefs, but come on--in this generation, no one is actually seriously mature anymore.

For future reference, I want to type all this shit out so when I review this at the end of next year, I'll understand the differences.

The other night I was lying in my bed and it was feeling like the beginning of spring. It felt like I was back at the apartment in Beech Grove, listening to the rain come down while sitting on the balcony, wrapped in my new blue quilt. Back in April I felt so ridiculously sad. I could feel a weight pressing down on my chest. I accepted it. I felt exhausted. At night I would lie in bed and the pressure would build and build in my chest because I knew that breathing would mean breaking down. My heart pounding and my eyes squeezed shut. Then I'd give up and gasp for a few moments while the lump in my throat went away. Just lying in my bed, breathing deeply, limp, mind almost completely blank. Just focused on breathing.

I kept myself busy and put myself right back out there. Fake a smile enough and you'll smile for real. It didn't take long for me to stop faking. I started spending time with Christian, and he was the first person I could openly talk to about the break up because he didn't know anything about it. He has no biases. I needed that.

One day in September I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I thought of you. I almost texted all my friends to throw a party. I felt like I was seriously ready to be in a relationship again. And I eventually tried it but neither worked out.

And Harry happened. Oh gosh, did he happen. He and I didn't happen as a result of desperation or loneliness or after a long two days of partying and being wasted. We met naturally. We developed a mutual interest. We came to an agreement. We went out on some dates. I got to know him. I realized I wanted he and I to be exclusive. I felt like it was a breakthrough.

Of course you would pop back in at that time. You always have done that. But this time, I couldn't bring my self to stoop to that. The thought of Harry stopped me. I felt so freaking confused! I almost went back to you. Almost. Then Harry and I spent some more time together. The feeling of my heart beating a little harder when he and I kiss, and the way he treats me... to be honest, I completely forgot about you. So then I thought it over one more time, and realized that you're not right for me. You've shown me that over and over again. What I was feeling was just the surprise of everything you told me.

For the first time, and I am completely 100% serious about this statement... For the first time I feel as though I have finally found someone who I deserve. I know he'll treat me well. He has a strong connection with his family and likes kids. He has normal hobbies. He goes to school and has a job. We have the same sense of humor. He is honest and open and friendly. He takes care of himself. And my family loves him. He and I may have started this relationship a little backwards... but it feels right. The thought of being his girlfriend puts a smile on my face. I deserve to be happy like this.
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Going to college was the best decision I've made so far
12/03/11 at 09:31 PM by troublelovesme
I've actually made friends at IUPUI. I wasn't really sure if I'd be able to, but somehow I snagged a couple for sures. Sarah is amazing. I sometimes think our souls are identical. I wish she lived closer. Harry is freaking fantastic. He lives pretty close, so I'm sure we're going to hang out a lot. In the background there are Kymere and Tyler, who have a special place in my heart because of some of the most random things they have said.
My heart feels good because of this.

I love the stuff I'm learning. It's all been easy, and yes, I'm aware that it will get more difficult the deeper I get into it. But I've always loved school. I love being in class. My interior design class was a little frustrating at first because of how slow it seemed to be going, but somewhere in there we hit full speed ahead and now I know things about interior design and feel so much better about my decision. I'm excited for next semester. I have more classes where I'll actually be doing things with my hands that relate to my major. It is also my last semester of math for the rest of my life! Hopefully...

Christian is my booty call. It works.

I had a boyfriend, but I broke up with him three days later.

I have another boyfriend. It's been a month now. I want to break it off. If I know what's good for me, I'll break it off. He just turned 19 last month. He dropped out of high school, got kicked out of college, doesn't have a real job, doesn't have a car... and so far, I haven't seen any real effort from him to change that. He says he wants to go back to school and gets a little excited at the idea of possibly getting a car, but no steps are being taken.
Once again, I am the sugar momma. And I don't appreciate it.

Especially since I just got my bill from the hospital from the biopsy they did on my lumpy face--$4000. What bullshit is that?

Oh well. It's life, right? Shit happens. I'm rolling with it.

I am also praying to God that things are going to work out.
You see, he and I have an understanding.
I clean my room, he gives me shit.
It worked for awhile, but when I stopped cleaning he starting taking the shit away.
So now I'm cleaning again. My heart and body are staying satisfied.
My problem now is that the satisfaction is starting to not feel like enough.
Typical human, right?
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got me thinking
09/28/11 at 09:51 PM by troublelovesme
When I was 16 I lied to my parents. I went out with Ryan instead of Ariel. He wasn't on his meds, but he was doing okay that day. He took me out on my first real date. We went to dinner downtown and then out to my favorite park. Holding hands around the trails, I climbed my first tree. Took a ton of pictures with a cheap disposable camera. It was so warm outside--it was early fall and the summer heat stuck around for a few weeks longer. We fell asleep against this huge dead tree close to the creek. I woke up the next morning around 7am and he was asleep with his head in my lap. And I just sat there and started crying because I had no idea who he'd be when he woke up, and that's the moment I knew we were never going to work things out, because I was too young, and I didn't love him--or at least not enough for me to want to work with him to help him get better again.

I regret everything that has to do with him. I wish it wasn't this way.
But I've never tried so hard or wasted so much time on anything in my life.
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got me thinking
09/28/11 at 09:50 PM by troublelovesme
When I was 16 I lied to my parents. I went out with Ryan instead of Ariel. He wasn't on his meds, but he was doing okay that day. He took me out on my first real date. We went to dinner downtown and then out to my favorite park. Holding hands around the trails, I climbed my first tree. Took a ton of pictures with a cheap disposable camera. It was so warm outside--it was early fall and the summer heat stuck around for a few weeks longer. We fell asleep against this huge dead tree close to the creek. I woke up the next morning around 7am and he was asleep with his head in my lap. And I just sat there and started crying because I had no idea who he'd be when he woke up, and that's the moment I knew we were never going to work things out, because I was too young, and I didn't love him--or at least not enough for me to want to work with him to help him get better again.

I regret everything that has to do with him. I wish it wasn't this way.
But I've never tried so hard or wasted so much time on anything in my life.
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It takes too much out of me.
09/20/11 at 09:22 AM by troublelovesme
I believe that in most cases you can only hate someone so much until you no longer give a shit and a pathway to friendship opens up.

I will always defend the people I loved deeply, even if we are no longer on speaking terms.
I fight for you every day.
Keep that in mind.

I don't remember where I left off about my parotitis, so to sum it up: went to the doctor for the lump on my face, took some medicine, lump got worse, went to a different doctor who referred me to a specialist.
I finally saw the specialist yesterday. He says it's not my parotid gland that is swollen, but that I have a lump in my gland. It comes down to three different options: a tumor, some other sort of blockage like a salivary stone, or cat scratch fever. So Friday I have to go back to the hospital to get a CT, a biopsy, and bloodwork done.
He said that majority of "tumors" in the parotid are benign, but since I'm so young to get a lump and because of my sister's cancer being rare (even more rare since her cancer usually just affects men), I got somewhat worried.
Let's hope for cat scratch fever, guys.
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Parotitis
08/28/11 at 09:59 PM by troublelovesme
I have it.

I finally went to the doctor last week to get that bump on my face checked, and Dr. Murphy said that it's probably parotitis. He gave me a prescription that I have to take for two weeks. The thing is, the swelling has gotten worse and it kind of hurts now. Seriously, the swelling is kind of making me not want to go to class tomorrow. I'm hoping that it's for some reason normal, you know, "gets worse before it gets better" kind of deal.

Guess I'll call Dr. Murphy tomorrow when I get home.
Definitely don't have the time or money to deal with something that antibiotics can't fix.

By the way, Riz, since you apparently read this instead of talking to me... Sorry for going off the other day. You just really surprised me, and you should know by now that I'm not good with that sort of thing.
You should also know that I met someone who I could potentially have something serious with, and bringing you back into the picture would just fuck me up.
Talk to me, but be normal. Give me some time. As much as I know I probably shouldn't, I want you to stay in my life.
You just can't talk to me about how bad you feel about things, as if I was the one who ended things. You have to deal with your decision.
We're not getting back together.
I've moved on enough for me to know better.
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No more caffeine
07/19/11 at 07:08 PM by troublelovesme
Today is the 5th day I've gone without having anything with caffeine and without having any soda.
Today I also was craving water and salad, both of which I strongly dislike.
I'm proud of myself.
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Alright. I have a problem.
06/30/11 at 04:01 AM by troublelovesme
I don't like Jacob or Tony or Adam or Joseph in any romantic way, but they're so much fun to talk to and it's gotten me in trouble.
I was interested in this friend of a friend, but seeing as how now he only wants to hang out after 10:30, I'm trying to brush him off.
Tonight I realized that I've been crushing on someone from work, and that was wayyyy too late or else I could have made something out of it. So I say, oh well.

Yesterday started off kind of bad, and slowly progressed into alright, and then into "thank God for this life."
It might be because I haven't gone to sleep yet, but I'm very happy. I feel blessed, even though I'm still waking up with a small lump in my throat.
I'm happy because I'm taking more of the chances given to me. I don't think that I was ignoring them before, I just think I can see them more clearly now. I've narrowed down my perspective. I'm going with good shit and bad shit and skipping over the could be.
Every night that I come home at 6 or 7am, I feel so proud of myself, because I feel like I'm doing what everyone else has been doing since we were 15 years old.
And right now I just feel so accepted. Right now I feel like I have a place and it's the right one, and it's good and will continue to be good.

And now I don't know if I should try to go to sleep or not. I have to get up and get ready for work in two hours. I don't now whether I'll feel worse with zero sleep or with two hours sleep.
I'm thinking two hours.
I also want to stay up for a whole 24hours to see what that's like.
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I am so hungry. Damn you WW.
06/05/11 at 11:46 PM by troublelovesme
So it's 1:30am and I just want to go to sleep, but I can't. This is one of the first days in awhile in which I haven't taken a nap, and I am absolutely not tired. Okay, maybe a little tired. But my body won't shut down. Most kids my age are probably still out drinking some. People from work probably are, everyday it's "Oh, I'm so hungover from last night." Really? haha

I have to give a quick thought to this. Today was Riz's birthday. Happy birthday.
Why have you been stuck in my head so much this past week?
I will never apologize.
I still need my ring back, by the way. I'll send you your stuff once I get that back.
I am such a chicken.

I have orientation at IUPUI on Thursday. I'm really excited about this. I miss "the institution."

Samantha and Brandon are trying to set me up with Brandon's friend Matt while he's back from Afghanistan.
Onward with the search to make the night pass by smoothly.

Things are better here. I'm adjusting to paying bills and rent and stuff. Ariel and Brandon (mostly Brandon) are getting easier to handle.

Seriously. Today I started making shit up again. Went off by myself and created that world again. Everything I don't have in real life. It used to make me feel better, my imagination was so much better than reality. Who really has imaginary friends for this long? At least I'm keeping them in my head. I need them to deal with this stuff. The good things they believe and say about me give me such a confidence boost, because I know it's true things about me that I would never admit to myself because for some reason I'm pretty sure I get something out of being "wounded." I seriously get through some days this way. I can only fall asleep some nights this way.
Whatever it was that made them go away for so long, whatever I lost, I need it back.
I honestly have the idea to have them tell me to stop making them up. To try and say a last goodbye or something.
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This is how my heart is feeling:
05/29/11 at 09:20 PM by troublelovesme
<4
I woke up and wrote down "good morning" before I realized and deleted it all.

I was at the Indy 500 all day today. I look like a cherry despite the multiple applications of sunblock.
But I feel fantastic. I feel like summer.
The apartments' pool opens tomorrow. I am so excited.
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It's all a process that I've started.
05/22/11 at 08:12 AM by troublelovesme
I went on a date last night.
I met him online. He seems pretty normal, although he wasn't at all how I expected him to be.
He's cool. He's better than how I had pictured in my head.
We saw Bridesmaids, which was actually a whole lot funnier than everyone had been telling me.
He made me laugh. Like, I was tearing up I was laughing so hard.
And I smiled with my whole heart. It's been awhile.
Please, please, please, don't let me be just wasting my time.
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Write this down so I won't forget again.
05/20/11 at 08:54 PM by troublelovesme
Thank God for Joseph for giving me so much strength.
I don't know how you do it.
Best friend I've ever had.
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Write this down so I won't forget again.
05/20/11 at 08:54 PM by troublelovesme
Thank God for Joseph for giving me so much strength.
I don't know how you do it.
Best friend I've ever had.
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I don't sleep much anymore.
05/18/11 at 08:57 PM by troublelovesme
I've discovered alcohol and am now building a relationship with Smirnoff.
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Last Updated: 02/23/12 (29,086 Views)
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