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Behind this mask
My dad put my dead cat IN the freezer. YEAH!
04/22/09 at 12:27 PM by SECRETBULLET
yep i woke up in the morning couldnt find any food so went to the freezer, i looked in and saw a big black garbage bag. i looked inside expecting deer or something...and there he is my little kitty, who died that morning and my dad froze him til he got home from work and could bury him. STILL kind of odd
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♥.♥ LOVESTRUCK;; moonlight
04/08/09 at 07:27 AM by SECRETBULLET
LOVESTRUCK;; moonlight
she lost her sight
she had fallen over it
bent backwards
lost forwards
thinking clearly wasn't possible
she can't describe anything anymore
he was so perfect
the eyes she saw
were melting into her heart
stomp all over my heart
why don't you let your tears fall one last time
why don't you let your bleeding heart just die
you thought you had me wrapped around your finger
but you know it was only time to linger
away from you
now he is all mine
and his arms wrap just that much further
his hands hold mine just a little tighter
and he kisses me just a little sweeter
and he loves me so much more
than your heart could possibly intend to do
so stay with her
and stay between the matress and the sheets
she keeps you held down
while she weeps
you wish of my eyes
and in all of your skies you know
the girl you once new doesnt exsist
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OCT. 21. 2001;; ♥ the day my mother died R.I.P
04/07/09 at 07:40 AM by SECRETBULLET
I was nine years old when I lost my mother. It was October 21st 2001. The night before, we had a bonfire. My dad, mother, brother, sister and some friends all came. My sister went to a friend’s house up the road when it was all over. I slept in my mom’s bed because I was one of those kids that hated being alone. When my sister wasn’t above me in our bunk bed, I was scared. I woke up in the morning to my mom taking my newest stuffy “Mocha Java” and rubbing him in my face saying, “Mayme, mayme-mayme, wake up”.

We had breakfast together and I went to my living room to watch television. I watched my mom walk upstairs to have a bath. “Amy, I am going up to take a bath, do you want me to run one when I’m done?”. Little did I know this would be the last time I would see my mother conscious and speaking. Two hours passed and my mother still hadn’t come downstairs. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I walked upstairs, slowly, breathing heavily, listening to a noise I did not recognize. It sounded like when you are sick, and it is hard to breathe. It was coming from the bathroom. I approached the door, placing my ear gently against the white wood. I was sure now the breathing was surely that of my mother. I knocked softly and questionably called her. She did not respond. Again I said her name; still I remained with only silence as a response. I quickly and quietly opened the locked door. I walked in cautiously, unsure of what was going on. There my mother lay; cold, naked, and unconscious in my bath tub. She had looked asleep, and so I placed my hand on her shoulder and shock her gently. “Mom, mom?” Something was wrong. There was a strange, brown, coffee like liquid coming out of her mouth. The alarm set into my mind. I left the bathroom, locked the door, ran to my brother’s room. He was still asleep, but I woke him and explained what had happened. I ran downstairs, and outside to my father who was mowing the lawn. I told him to come inside. I watched my dad and my brother as the pulled out my mother’s cold, fragile, naked body from the bath tub and into my brother’s room. They placed her into some pajamas. I was told to go get dressed. I did so quickly, and tip-toed to my brothers room. I peeked in to see my father for the first time, vulnerable. He held her hand, spoke closely, “Gilly, Gilly, can you hear me, wake up.” I was told to make the 911 phone call, and to wait outside and direct them to my brother’s room. I stood outside playing my hand held yazhee. It didn’t take long for the ambulance to show up. I sat in my living room as I watched my mother get carried out on a stretcher. Her last moments inside my home. My father followed the ambulance to nearest hospital. My brother and I picked up my sister up the road and followed.

When we arrived at the hospital I listened to my father’s conversations with every member of my family. We were unsure of the severity of the situation at this point. We waited to hear what emergency had to say. Finally the doctor came out, and explained that they were unsure of what was wrong and sent her via helicopter to the Ottawa Civic Hospital. My sister and I went to my aunt’s house. We played games with our two cousins and waited until the time we could join the rest of the family at the hospital. As I walked into the hospital doors spin around, and around. I stood in the elevator. I felt like time was melting. Silence was the only noise I could hear. It was numb. No one could speak when I arrived in the waiting room. My family all sat in silence. Staring off, into nothing. I watched my sister, 8 years old. She was putting together a Mini Mouse puzzle. A doctor joined us, he stated they had done everything they could do, but she was in God’s hands. She was not pronounced dead. There was still hope. Hope that something that had happened so suddenly would be over soon. The doctor told us we were now able to join her. A few of us went in at a time. We were told that although she couldn’t see or feel us, that she could hear us. So I stood there, too scared to touch her, and told her everyone that was in the room. I told her that everything was going to be okay. I told her I loved her, but again no response. I watched my Grandpa kiss her forehead. I watched my father’s face go from everything will be okay, to nothing will ever be the same.

We walked back to the waiting room. I was now aware of what happened. An aneurism. An artery had burst in her brain. I sat there on my Aunt’s lap. Silence. A nurse walked in and saw me. She told me that the doctors were doing everything they could and she would be okay. My aunt just shook her head. We sat in that room, for a time that felt like days. Time seemed to move much slower. It was like watching the clock in slow motion pass the day by. The same doctor joined us again. He told us the one thing that no one wanted to hear. She wasn’t going to make it. Shocked, confused, unsure, and more lost then ever imaginable, I sat. We were told that each of us could go in and say our goodbyes. I couldn’t. I couldn’t face my mother. I couldn’t face the fact that I could never look into her warm loving eyes. I couldn’t lose the mother that held me what I was sick and tell me everything was going to be okay. The mother that told me she would never leave me. The mother that loved me, more than she ever loved herself. One by one my family left the room. They left to hold my mommy’s hand and come to face the reality that I did not understand. I called my closest friend as I cried and tried to explain that my mother was gone.

We left the hospital with my grandmother, in the pouring rain. I walked out the spinning doors. I watched them spin, around and around. And just as I had walked in afraid, I walked out the same. Leaving the parking lot I looked at my Mother’s car. I read the license plate and could hear her voice, “A-H-M-L, Amy has mommy’s love”. It felt the longest, quietest car ride I had ever taken. It probably was. When we got to my Grandmother’s house I went straight into the bedroom. She came in to tuck me in and say my prayers. I remember asking, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, should I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take, God bless Mommy…Grammy, do I still say mommy?” She just held me and told me to get some sleep. I couldn’t sleep for the longest time. I sat there awake. I watched the ceiling fan spin around and around, just like the doors at the hospital, just like he thoughts in my mind. What is life going to be like now? I thought to myself. Why did this happen? Where will I go? Who will I become? My first night without a good night kiss. My life was forever changed. I know she’ll always be with me. And as much as I miss her, this hardship has made me a much stronger person. October 21st 2001, the day my mother died. The day my life changed. The day I became a woman.

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what you don't know WILL kill you
04/06/09 at 07:34 AM by SECRETBULLET
hello all

hope your monday morning isn't going as shitty as mine
my god damn birth control is making my sleep CRAP, i slept on my hour long bus ride to school and all through first period. I am now im a spare-ish class im supposedto "study" in...obviously not happening.
So my weekend was uneventful, friday i drank with my friends parents while she was at work, saturday i preformed at a local festival, and sunday i spent some quality time with my boyfriend and his best friend...WOO HOO...we went to the new arcade in my home town, played some pool, looked at comics, and did some old school arcade games aswell. GAH... my friend got shingles and used my eyeliner so i gave it to her...now i feel naked...NO EYELINER...it sucks major ass...anyyyyways, comment and let me know how your weekend went or how your mondays going
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angry, mad, sexy, MAKE UP sex
04/03/09 at 11:30 AM by SECRETBULLET
gah so i hate arguing with my boyfriend, but holy shit i always end up kissing him when im mad and somehow i end up with no clothes on and him trusting it on me, I AM SO NOT COMPLAINING its the best way to end a fight...lets all the anger out, and it feels AMAZING :)


just saying
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angry, mad, sexy, MAKE UP sex
04/03/09 at 11:29 AM by SECRETBULLET
gah so i hate arguing with my boyfriend, but holy shit i always end up kissing him when im mad and somehow i end up with no clothes on and him trusting it on me, I AM SO NOT COMPLAINING its the best way to end a fight...lets all the anger out, and it feels AMAZING :)


just saying
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tacos or pizza?
03/06/09 at 11:28 AM by SECRETBULLET
what should i have for supper tonight??

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SHOULD I...be worried?
03/05/09 at 07:21 AM by SECRETBULLET
hello everyone

its amy agian
im so confused and if you guys can help that would make my day alooooot easier
basically my boyfriend of 3 months, has a best friend (female) of 3 years
they tried dating a few times but it never worked out cause they were too much like best friends
anyways he says he loves me, and weve only been dating 3 months and he is very genuine and sweet
but i find myself getting worried and jealous when he hangs out with this girl
they hang out alone in his room, and i dont know a guy and a girl alone in a bedroom, you know drinking beers watching movies, it is a biyt sketchy, so i mentioned it to him but he insists he
'ld never cheat and he has no feelings for her whatsoever
but i have a pretty good feeling she really is in love with him
she flirts with him ,, nad he flirts back but i dont like to think its cause they like eachother, he insists they are best friends and thats "they way they've always been"
anyways so tomorrow i was supposed to go to a party, but its the only day my boyfriend has off and he wanted to hang out
so i cancelled my plans for they party, and he is now saying well i dunno if i can hang out ill let you know friday
and im like...hm thats a bit last minute
and hes like hmm well ill let you know tomorrow (today)
so i am calling him on my lunch to find out what he says
and i dont want him thinking im soooo jealouys he cant hang out with her alone because thats not the case, its just that im worried cause im insecure and ive been cheated on
so i said well how about you hang out with kendra you havent seen her in a while
and hes like yeah i should, and we will come watch you preform and you can go to that party
so its a hmm ha maybe to hang out with ME friday but a YEAH SURE with this other chick
so i dunno
i also found a text to her saying he doesnt know if he can handle being with me when im constantly worrying about him going to college, and that he had a drwma he dumped me and he got all depressed, but HE couldnt tell me that...his gf, but he can tell her, you know little sketchy things
and like when i call and hes with her he never stays on the phone long, and takes forever to text me, and tells me he is waiting for his friend chris to join them but conviently HE NEVER DOES, these are little things that remind me of my ex who cheated on me and what he'ld say to me, i dont know what to do anymore guys, PLEASE PLEASE help me out

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02/19/09 at 11:13 AM by SECRETBULLET
hello all.

been a long time agian. BUSY BUSY BUSY ME.
So last i updated i was with Greg. TURNS OUUUUT he was an asshole. he cheated on me with the girl EMILY i had a suspision about. she is a bitch. i havent seen that fucker since the day we broke up believe it or not...and its been like 9 or 10 months now. so UPDATTTTES...i have a new boyfriend. His name is Ian he is a total and complete amazing guy. He dated my close friend a year ago and i know he'll never hurt me. i have had a little wee crush on him since last year and now im finally with him. it is so weird though because i have always felt drawn to him and in the back of my mind i always thought something was there between us. now i actually am with him and its actually our 2 month anniversary today :) ♥ which is QUITE exciting. i preform tonight at a local restuarant we might do a song we wrote together. he plays bass and i sing and play acoustic guitar its actually an awesome song. we have alot in common and thats sweet. so i used to be a skipper of my classes...i started smoking which is bad considering im not even 17 yet but hey 2 months away. but im buckling down on school work gotta get that shit done...although for the last week i have been skipping this once class...ANTHRO...i just havent got this essay done and i dont wanna get in shit for it. so i got a call from my pricipal for detension on skipping it yesterday GOOD THING HE DIDN'T find out i haven't been there for a week huh? lmao...so whats new with everyone else...P.S: loving the new FALL OUT BOY ALBUM FOLIE A DEUX...check it out if you can, they never cease to amaze me, new style every time...annnnyways until next time hopefully not months from now MUAH...amy xox

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6 MONTHS...oh my god guys sorry i've been gone so long!
01/03/08 at 08:18 AM by SECRETBULLET
i miss all of you so much, i've been busy, but 6 months with greg now, we had a bit of a rough patch with someone getting between us, to do with family, but hey, i love him and he came back to me :), what have you guys been up to...x-mas, new years....greg is sooo awesome, he throws rocks at my window, wakes me up by coming in my room and laying with me...isn't that romantic, he takes me out for dinner, and gives me like the softest kisses, omg i love HIM SOOO MUCH!
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All my fellow punks...read this WE ARE NOW TOGETHER...remember my last post?
06/12/07 at 08:38 AM by SECRETBULLET
on my last post i said how i liked my best friends ex...well the girl he kinda liked doesn't like him and well long story short we are seeing eachother...we've kissed now and everything, which was notably uncomfortable at first becuase we were friends but i am happy...can you tell...LOVE YOU GUYS ALWAYS AND FOREVER-secret bullet (amy alice pearle)
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<//3 teenage crushs..suck HELP
04/10/07 at 02:17 PM by SECRETBULLET
suck. i like my best friends boyfriend, she tells me to go for him and he kinda knows but i never denyed it, what do i do, he likes my best firend and hse like doens't like him at all, and he kinda likes some other girl who may or may not be dating his friend
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walked on in...now
03/01/07 at 09:49 AM by SECRETBULLET
yeah see now i am screwed he looked at me and i looked away i am such a little suck
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03/01/07 at 09:38 AM by SECRETBULLET
FALL OUT BOY HONDA CIVIC TOUR MONTREAL MAY 23RD....tickets go on sale in 2 days aghhhh
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01/23/07 at 10:09 AM by SECRETBULLET
poor guys man...they worked so hard on that album and it comes out febuary 6th and people are downloading, meaning less people will actually buy it so PLEASE GIVE THEM YOUR SUPPORT AND BUY IT ON THE 6TH...thanks guys you rock

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Last Updated: 04/22/09 (3,805 Views)
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