Since my last blog (last episode, last chapter, last fuckery etc.) I've been trying to look up. Not to say that things aren't looking up, because they most definitely are. School, hobbies, new friends and some new experiences. Basically, things are as up as much they can be at his point.
Now back to the beginning: I've been trying to find meaning in everything. Or somethings. Why all of...that happened is really yet to be explained. I just don't believe that something as devastating and completely mind altering just happens to happen. No, no it had to happen for a reason right? It's possible I'm just humoring myself. Anything is possible.
But I've been better. Oh yeah, believe me I've been better since then. "Trying to remain optimistic yet aware" is what I would call all of this, all of my feelings and mindset into one little sentence.
Of course I'm not going crazy or prancing around like Michael Cera or daydreaming of what could have been, I'm okay for now. I'm content.
And you know? I like that.
And sometimes that itself is hard to grasp. Being content with content shouldn't be a hard feeling to understand, but it is. It is when you're used to things being really satisfying or complete shit. Happy or miserable.
Rarely in the last three years of my life have I found anything in between those two feelings(I don't really know where to place "confused" so I'll ignore that). And that's what's weird to me; almost being scared simply because this just new to me, but it's exciting too.
It's been hard to write lately. Not because I have a block but because there's just too much to write about. A lot has happened.
I pulled the curtain a little more on two of my closest friends and saw what was really behind it.
In simplest terms: my trust was broken numerous times within this past month. My best friend and my now ex-girlfriend were going behind my back. What they were doing exactly is up for interpretation. Conflicting stories and lack of cooperation on simple questions leads me to believe the worst, but who the fuck knows. I found out about all of this through lurking(could save lives, could also end) and within three feet of my best friend sitting near me. I'm not a violent guy, so I didn't do anything like that. But I did kick him the fuck out.
I was 70x7'd, in Brand New terms.
I still can't grasp that my best friend of ten years felt the need to do that. I was dating this girl for three and a half years now, and he needed to do that? He wanted to and went for it? And she let him. She said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Well then............................... .............
And what's even more fucking boggling is the lack of logic in the situation. He was my best friend of ten years AND living with me. I gave him a place to stay during the summer. So, he felt the need to try and fuck me over? What kind of logic is that? It's something that would make a Vulcan commit suicide. It doesn't make sense.
I haven't felt like myself throughout all of this. Contacting old friends, trying to just talk to fucking anybody. I feel pathetic.
A lot of broken plans filled the rest of the month while I found out about more lies that I was told throughout my relationship. Which has been terrible to deal with as majority of these lies and actions went on in my bedroom. A place which lost a lot of meaning as sleep is barely done inside of it now.
I went into exile to Orlando with a friend. Leaving my cellphone at the hotel while I did whatever the fuck I wanted to in the resort.
Swim, eat, drown. All things were done and considered.
My ex is now dating another guy, not my friend, but the guy that she was cheating on me with. He claims he's the better man throughout all of this, but clearly he's an idiot. Let someone take the things you care about the most and then see how you start to act about it all. He reminds me of Glenn Beck with the way he parts his sentences and think he can make points out of debunked points. He can get fucked and fisted.
Let's call him Goomba.
He seriously looks like this. I was about to ask "what was she thinking?" but I'm almost 99% sure she's NOT.
Now, I told myself I wouldn't shit talk him or her, but I've also been bent over non-stop for the past month. Fuck it.
It's been a month since all of this shit began. Am I doing better? Yeah, but it's hard to not miss months ago, when I was blind to all of the truth.
I think its safe to say "I've only got myself to blame" but recently I heard of a philosophy: "Some people are horrible, and the rest are just better liars." and these days, that is so true.
B is for believing you'd always be here for me.
E is for everything, even when we'd see it though.
C, C is for seeing through you, you are a fake,
which brings me to A because, because, you always run away.
Twitter needs more interesting people. Maybe interesting isn't the right word, maybe it's "intelligent". The amount of people that I follow that have made me shake my head numerous times is appalling.140 characters of complete stupidity makes me believe that there cannot be a god.
Now you're probably asking, "Spenser, why do you keep following these awful human beings that seem to ruin your day?" and the answer is:
I have no clue.
It could be related to the fact that many of these people live in my city. I could easily just unfollow them with a click of a button and use the excuse to myself "I haven't seen them in years. So fuck it." That'd be simple right? No.
For some reason I can't do just that. And for some reason, I'm friends with some of these people (mainly one who thinks he can rap...but that's another time/blog).
Could be because I'm a nice guy, or at least I think I am. Or it could be because I find a sick reassurance in my life by seeing the sadness of a girl's excitement on getting the top of her vagina "vajazzled"(Google that term). Clearly, that isn't normal to read on a Twitter feed.
Clearly, half the people I know are idiots.
It's sad that most people I actually know that have a Twitter, most likely shouldn't have one. I still think my brother and some of his friends should get some. Keep in mind, my brother just turned fucking 17. That should show that I'd rather read the thought of a 17 year old, rather than a 19 year old trying to spell correctly. Or reading about a 16 year old who is driving drunk for the first time and seems to be pretty thrilled about it.
But maybe this is how it'll be for another year or so, before Twitter really picks up. Facebook took awhile before EVERYBODY had one, and so did that one other website that I can't remember the name of. Hopefully Twitter makes its rounds and gains more intelligence, at least in my feed. If not, fuck we're all dead.
And with that, follow me on Twitter!!!!
The amount of time I've had alone for the past week has been four hours. Absurd.
Majority of my friends are back down from college. So my sanity has been running thin. Fuck, a shower doesn't even feel the same because they're waiting for me to get out. I just want to relax, do nothing, not feel like I have to make sure nobody is breaking something, or being too loud when my mom is sleeping.
I like to think that everybody needs alone time after constantly being with people for days and days. If Natalie fucking Portman decided to hang out with me for two weeks, I would be on edge by the first week. After copious amounts of sex with her of course.
Don't get me wrong, it's awesome that they're all down and there's almost always something to do at night. I just want to sleep in, and be able to read a damn book.
But other than bitching, which is what I do best it seems, there are neat things going on in my head.
One of my friends needs to make a short movie for his film class. He came to me for writing the story with him, along with the script. I have tons of faith in it being successful among friends. That's basically all I want. He, on the other hand, has hopes of it being the number one video on all of the interweb. Yeah, okay.
This blog has probably been the worst one I've written specifically because I can't see it being interesting to anybody by myself. So, I'm sorry.
Readers, there will be a better blog soon. I promise.
Apparently my previous entry was found by the culprit known as The Babykiller and later after that they practically called me out on Facebook.
Now, as sad as it is, Facebook has become a huge part in life for my generation.I can only imagine how it'll end up being for those younger than me. It doesn't matter if you're discussing whether or not to go through an abortion or who you should try to fuck that night, completely serious conversations go on there nowadays, for the entire network to see(if privacy settings are done incorrectly, that is). It seems pretty fucking dumb to me, but it has to happen sometimes because it's the only place a lot of people still feel...I guess, safe? I think comfortable is a better word.
Anyway, the person called me out and basically said I was pointing the finger at them and that I was telling everybody that they had killed their baby sister.
Obviously doing such an action should never be discussed, let alone posted onto the interwebs. I really doubt that more than 15 people read my blog. I also doubt that any of those people really know me/my circle of friends. But that's all assuming that I even did point the finger in the first place, which I didn't. And I haven't. Fuck, I could be the person.
To change the tone of the blog here, I'm excited for Spring. It's been abnormally cold in Florida for about four months now.(This is where a typical ignorant person would shout "Yeah! Global Warming MY ASS!")
And although the changes in the weather and the continuing year, I feel like everything is going to be alright when it comes to me. My life decisions and how things will work out. It feels good to not worry as much, or pout as much. Optimistic. Optimistic.
Though shit can always hit the fan at anytime. So who the fuck knows.
I want to start writing more. Reading too. I have about ten books waiting to be read on my nightstand. I've got a lot on my "Do later..." list. Including the "Get money, get paid" way of life.
Northstar really fits the mood these days. Not a bad thing at all.
The hardest part of writing an entry is writing the beginning. I think. I can't seem to figure out what I want to write about and then, afterward, how to write about that subject.
I could go on for hours on how majority of my week is spent babysitting miserably(due to lack of sleep). How much I hate Dora and Diego, along with those fucking Backyardigans. But then I think of how my babysitter must have felt when I watched Dragon Ball Z, or some other show on Toonami. At least kids' shows back then had some realism to them(is that the right word?). Hey Arnold!, Doug, Rugrats...
I'll stop now before I start crying.
Maybe I can write about how I learned that a girl who sat next to me most of my senior year may or may not have killed her baby sister when she was in her early teens. Yeah. Holy fuck. Think about how I felt when I learned that from the girl herself. Or how my friend felt, who literally slept next to her earlier that week. I can't even try to go further into discussion with this subject, I'm still in shock. I'm also still in the midst of buying a firearm.
My birthday though, which was two weeks ago, was nice. Turning 20 for me just feels...a bit pathetic. Now whenever I go to the local Starbucks or walk through Target, I feel my 15-year-old self behind me asking "Why is that guy here? Didn't he graduate two years ago?"
For the record, if I met my 15-year-old self, I'd need weeks to explain how to prepare for the fuckery of the next five years. And that's including this past month.
I'm sure at some point during the week I'll go back to this entry and expand on a lot of points. So yes, we can dwell in time travel subjects.
Eleven days into a new year and a lot of things have closed from their late beginnings of last year.
Thinking about my future lately. Where I want to take it, how I want to spend my time. The biggest point in my future I guess would be me turning twenty huh? Which is (if you didn't know) the 25th of this month.
Am I scared? Yeah.
Am I unsure why I'm scared? Yeah
Suck it the fuck up, 20 is awesome man!
For some reason twenty, to me at least, is a big step to what's next on the agenda. When I turned ten the next five years of my life were easy to map out. What was it anyway? "Go to school, get into high school, play video games and continue slacking off." But at fifteen the next five years were a little more darker to see. "Continue high school, don't fuck up, get a car? get a job? get a girlfriend?, graduate and go to college" Most of them are optional (and weren't done whatsoever) but it was still easier to figure out.
But at twenty, that's even harder and there are a lot variables and pretty big steps to be taken. What are the next steps? Graduate college, commit to a relationship, hopefully it works out...and then marriage? and then have kids? But what if kids happen first? What if I never graduate college? What if I go crazy and just decide to off everyone near me and set my friends on fire? Who the fuck knows.
Just the fact that the future is really unseen and the steps that are expected to be taken are huge leaps, is hard for me to fathom at this point. I guess I might have had this same feeling when I was younger too, I can't really remember.
Other than that horribly written thought, January has been kind.
Cannot believe how much things have changed and spiraled down from their high point. But with failure, there comes hope.
When people say "Better safe than sorry" I always smile because, they're usually right. How could someone rather be sorry than safe? Who the hell would think that way? So whoever coined that phrase/saying/excuse for a girl to suggest a condom, props to them. A lot of props.
Thinking about titling my blog "The Man Behind the Spenser".
That's practically all I have after hours of brainstorming. Fuck, that word feels so true nowadays. My brain is in a storm lately.
I hear my phone buzz and I hope it's someone responding, but it's just my phone dying. Which, really, is something I'd like. To have my phone die right now would be a goddamn godsend. No longer worrying or getting stories on where you've been. Who you've been.
At least the weekend seems promising. Get together on Friday with some friends. Who the fuck thinks a "Sweater party" is a good idea? It's cold outside anyway, so of course people will come in with sweaters. But I guess it's to wear the worst sweater possible? I have a lot of those.
The rest of the weekend will probably be that night but without the sweaters and without the girls...just Mario Kart or something.
But for now, I talk to no one I know on the phone to pass the time.
Tonight was the night that I've spoken to you for more than an hour in a month, in any way. Over the phone, text, online. It's sad that I had to be so honest with you to barely get any real reaction.
Usually when I get so damn honest with you...you at least pay it back with another honest reply. But, instead, I get another robotic statement.
I'm sure I'll regret the words I said to you over Twitter. I'm sure you won't, as you're never wrong. But it felt good to hold my ground for the first time in months.
So now I'm doing my best to keep myself busy from doing anything directly connected to you. No matter what. You going on about how you don't want this, and you don't want that...I never wanted those either. I don't understand how you came to such a conclusion on your own.
I'm sure you'll go off and suck off some fuck with a meth addiction, or get felt up by a guy who believes a savior is coming.
Whatever the case may be, it's disappointing to know that after three great years, you end this in a lower way than it began. I don't think I'll never really understand it I guess.
It seems to be getting harder and harder to get out of bed everyday. I used to wake up around eleven or twelve because I knew you would be coming over around three. Now I'm lucky if I'm out of bed by then.
There's times where you get my hopes up and make me think that you will be coming over again around four, but I'm constantly disappointed in the broken plans and your lame excuses.
"Testing water for class."
"I'm out with friends."
"I have no ride."
"I'm stuck at school."
I just hope that at one point in your empty promises you'd just be straight and say "Hey, I don't want to fucking see you. So I'm going to stop telling you I might be able to." Because it's really fucking upsetting and it's not right of you to talk like you care when that's obviously not going on.
Tonight hopefully I see an old friend and I have a good time. If not, I'm sure in the next month my schedule will be so busy I won't even be able to remember your face. Though I miss it.
I'm going to try my best to not pollute my blog with these thoughts and feelings of breakups and missing someone. It'll be hard, but I want to try to at least be somewhat optimistic.
But I must say that all this "New Moon" talk just gives me too much opportunity to make fun of people, and a lot of friends to no longer talk to. Which also includes, you know, her. So, fuck. Glad she's having a great time watching a crap movie.
Thanksgiving is sneaking up on me and I'm trying to find time to even realize it. Days seem to go by so much longer now, even by waking up at 2pm. No idea what that's about.
I also go on a lot of walks now. Clear my mind, enjoy the weather, listen to music. Even if it's at midnight and the possibility of being killed is high.
I practically talk to anyone who will listen, who will IM me or reply to some stupid thing I said on Facebook or Twitter. Anything. Just to forget for a second, to engage in conversation, to feel excitement.
With all of this loneliness I've made some odd plans I would never normally make. Why? Probably because I'm bored as fuck 24/7 so I figure why the hell not?
I've decided to not shave for at least another week, so then my look can fit my face and I'll look like I'm involved in Bon Iver.
My buddy Josh asked me to participate with him about street performing at the local plaza for fun and for some money. I was hesitant at first, but I agreed. It should be fun and money is always a great thing to have.
I have nothing else to write about.
But really, I'm glad she's happy watching a shitty fucking movie with her friends.
I don't quite remember why I stopped writing in here. Maybe it's time to start up again.
Things have changed, you know. I won't get into it but I will say that this bottle of water I have and the plans to watch American Beauty later tonight by myself have me happy. Which is good, I guess. Two simple things can get me off, at least for now.
I don't get how or why someone would ignore a text message. Especially if you and that someone planned on doing something later in the day or week. Why the hell would they just give up on something they wanted to do? Why can't they just tell me "Oh yeah, I don't feel like it." or something. I don't get it.
It's be understandable if I called that person a douche bag, or told them to rot in hell. Anything that was rude, who wouldn't ignore a rude person? But what makes this difficult to understand is that these people are my friends, some of them quite close(or were) and there really isn't a reason for them to ignore a text. What the fuck did I do? Do they just suddenly not like me? Am I annoying? I don't think I'm annoying. Is that annoying even? What the fuck?
What makes it even more un-understandable(is that right? I have no idea.) is when the person ASKS you to hang out or suggests plans be made. So why the fuck are they ignoring your text? Stupid.
If they were at work then I'd understand. If they were at war I'd understand. If they were giving birth to a child I'd understand, but they should still respond later or sometime down the line at least. I would really like some kind of closure on open plans."Hey Spenser, no." or even "Fuck off asshole." Anything would be great.
I'll tell you right now that I rarely ignore a text. I only ignore under these circumstances.
1. A person I don't know/don't feel comfortable talking to.
2. A person who I hate or who just wants to start shit. (Once I got a text asking me what it would be like if someone were to shit in a thong. I ignored it, of course. Though I did have some potential answers)
3. If I'm with the person while they text me.
4. I'm involved in a fight/disagreement with that person.
Falling asleep is probably the only excuse that is good. Along with the person dying or being held hostage. All are cool. I can slide with those.