A friend recently asked about this blog and what did it feel like to write regularly, knowing others were reading it.
Well, I guess I didn't really know. It didn't feel that big at the time. When I used to keep a blog on MySpace in college, and a few years after before it completely died off, people would reach out to me about what a wrote. It was a dramatic time because certain entires were brutally honest and feelings were hurt. Others liked to participate in the comments and it would generate good conversation.
This blog was a good followup for awhile. And as most things tend to happen, I found myself in a good relationship that made me very happy and work picked up, so it was hard to keep up. This site also changed drastically. Who was I even writing for?
I've been told more than a handful of times that I should start a real blog (now those are dwindling) or a YouTube channel (before those made people into celebrities) and now it seems so stressful. There's so much competition these days, it's almost too overwhelming to even try. And then there's the whole voice inside your head that continuously whispers, "Who cares? Who even cares what you have to say?" Good point.
But looking back at these entries, it's upsetting to see how little of my life has changed, even though I stopped writing for years. Like a standard soap opera, that story remains the same. There's a few new characters and some have left the show. There's been a couple of traumas and some people have passed on...but too much is still the same.
I want so badly for the not good stuff to change and the good stuff to stay for a long time, but life doesn't seem to work that way. Each year I demand that life will change for the better. Very few things do.
What does make me happy, however, is writing and I feel like I deny myself that luxury too much and too often. That is one thing I can control and one thing I plan to change, even if I'm not doing it here.
So maybe by this time next year, I may be at least a little better off.
I think things are going okay right now. I think I've found a legitimate reason to smile nearly every day.
In the last two years, I really had lost myself. I constantly felt like I was drowning...being swallowed up by negative influences around me. I kept trying to swim to the surface, but I was only able to tread water for so long. I didn't recognize who I was. I hated how I looked. I hated my daily routine. I felt like I was losing touch with friends. I got involved with guys that broke me down and drama that still stings to this day. I felt like person who normally lit up a room had had her spark burned out. I think I reached a point where I nearly had lost everything that, at one time, made me feel alive and invincible. It is only when you have lost it all, that you truly have everything to gain. Two or three times in my life I've gone through a serious personal overhaul. I ultimately shed the wounded, broken version of my former self, only to fix myself for the better.
Perhaps it sounds trite, but, I'm trying to make things work. I'm in my mid-twenties and it's time to start solidifying my strengths and abilities while still managing to enjoy this little thing called youth. Of course there are the ups and downs: health issues, family issues, friend issues, relationship issues, money issues. There are nights when I can't sleep and days when it takes every ounce of my existence to get out of bed. Nothing is truly perfect...perhaps just ideal at times. But that's just how it is. Ups and downs molding and shaping us. The bad showing us what the good really looks like and the good making us forget, even for a moment, what the bad is really like. So I'll try and take it all in, as best as I can. One day at a time.
I'm no optimist, just someone who's currently inspired.
So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
We're both such magnificent liars.
So crush me baby, I'm all ears.
So obviously desperate, so desperately obvious.
I'll give in one more time and feed you stupid lines all about "its basic..."
Not sure why, but these lyrics made me think of you.
It's not necessarily a good or bad thing,
It's more of a, "Hey, you're on my mind" kind of thing.
In other news,
This is one of the few albums that can cure my weekly angst.
I'm a mess, such a wreck, donít forget about it.
I drag myself through the dirt just to feel a little closer to the ground,
Because I've always had my head up in the clouds.
Welcome to 2010.
Look at us.
Remember when we were relevant?
It's weird to wake up to a new decade knowing that everything that once worked for you has now evolved and you have to take a new approach just to keep things in order.
All the previous mentioned boys are either married, dating some bitch, groping your best friend, fake dating someone to piss me off, friend zoning me...The usual.
But somehow, I'm still getting stalked and noticed at random locations and/or random media sites, so I guess I have that going for me.
So keep your mind at a rest
I'll never let the two of us be friends
Does it hurt?
Still wondering if you ever think about me every once in awhile.
You've done a great job of disappearing, so I'm not trying to wake you up since you seem to enjoy the sleep.
I'm getting better at not missing you.
I guess I'd be lying if I said that I've encountered someone that can keep me interested in conversation the way the old you used to.
But I guess, these simple conversations leave me with less anxiety.
Keepin it simple so I can sleep at night.
A Fair Trade.
You must have the must have moment in your hands
And its sad to think that this season I'm gonna change
Just not face to face
It ain't broke, so don't fix it
Being a free agent for the first time in 7 years is strange.
There's lots of freedom but, at the same time, a huge unknown.
It's just weird to not have anyone on the other end this time around.
Meanwhile, this it the year that my best friend gets married.
She's found her very own Jim Halpert and I couldn't be happier for her.
And I guess this is the first time I'm wondering if it's ever going to happen for me.
I kind of never cared/never wanted it until I saw it happening to the people that I'm closest to.
But that's another blog for another time.
Until then, there's bachelorette parties to plan, shows to attend, new album releases to look forward to.
Hey, Cassino is playing a 21+ show in Nashville on February 28th.
May have to take a trip because I've been wanting to see this band for quite some time now.
Hope everyone else is enjoying the new year so far.
Either way, I know I'm down,
but definitely not out.
...on alter egos and alter motives
which weigh you down and take control of
the way you are and the things that you need.
I can't tell if I originally sought you out because I was lost and drowning, or if I begin to feel that way once we became acquainted.
The past two years have been at least 75% regretful. I'd change nearly everything.
I have a terrible habit of destroying the things I care about and thus why I've made it a point to not put my full heart into things anymore...at least not in the past year. (at this point, if my calculations are correct.)
Lessons are to be learned from all of this.
Add This to the list of songs that hit too close to home. Sorry in advance?
Finders keepers the whole thing is a lie You won't find her, cos she's too hard to find
Take my advice and boy run a mile.
And have another drink and then think this one over
You dig yourself a grave everyday you're not sober
Do you see what I mean
I have your best interests written all over me.
I could never be what you mean,
Finders keepers will you keep me in mind
I like secrets, cos they keep me in line
Old habits die hard, but I am too young to die...