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There was never any intention for me to convince you.

08/08/11 at 03:08 AM by Gumbyjag

Tonight I'm not sure if I have it in me. I'm not sure if I can type another 900+ -word opus like I have been. Not like I'm not feeling it, this one I felt was coming. I just feel well, despondent, empty. Like all the words in the world won't describe how just being here in my room makes the outside world seem light years away. Or how I'm sleepy, horny, and restless all at once. Well in the spirit of the night, here it goes...

It's hard to believe school is starting already. It's that way every year though, people act like summer is some sort of magical gift that is given to us for opportunity and promises of less responsibility and more insubordinate gestures. Well I guess it is so dammit if you have to institutionalize again sometime this month. I can say that I certainly miss when school was the center, hell, supporting actor of my life's stanza at the time. It's been three years since I've had to be educated (according to the expectations of employers at least) and in those I've most certainly learned much, but I still am far behind my contemporaries as far as any collegiate entry-level "regular joe" goes. I must go back someday.

Here is where I would routinely ramble on about how my week has been nothing but booze, bars, and bros. Not this week. In between days, I do have alternate routes. I try to eat well, albeit less lately. I exercise more, although the beer has been offsetting it. Practicing my bass skills and thinking before I act or speak, all things that carry on throughout this I'm-a-wreck dogma I've been jockin' as of late.

Bros have been the key. All of my friends, they've helped me see the in's and out's of my internal struggle, as well as their own. As much as I've learned about myself in the last month-and-a-half I've learned about so many of my dearest kind. Perspective isn't the principal here, it's all how they deviate from each other. How every one of the people I interact with live about themselves, it's been humbling at the least. It makes me wonder what niche I belong in. If one of my crony's mission in life is to create a comfortable lifestyle for themselves in a constant, another may be that they want to destroy everything they were only to create themselves anew, in that finding their constant. I can understand why as we get older we tend to absorb what we love into our own homeostasis, it has to fit our conduct. It's our way of compromise, taming the free of all that is, so that in our own way we can control and understand it. It's comforting.

You know what else is comforting? A sweet tune:

David Bazan- Strange Negotiations (pretty good so far)
The Format- Dog Problems (yep, still listening)
Fun.- Aim and Ignite (glad I finally got around to this too)
Converge/Dropdead- split (awesome)

I'd love some tips on using music software to create. I'd rather be making songs on actual instruments but it'd be cool to get a hold of one of those things and make something neat. Anyone out there with a fairly simple program, hit me up.

Johnee was right, I need to get out of here for a while. I don't need to run from anything, I need to simply discover. I've been holed up in this tri-city for most of my life, declining to abscond out of fear. I have done nothing but play it safe, very rarely do I take my chances with things. If you ask me, I think that's what's kept me out of trouble and is upkeeping the reputation I withhold today. The problem being, that reputation might as well be a flag for the self-sheltered, arrogant, blasphemous stiff that I am. I can't begin to find comfort in that. I look at all of my heroes, and they all share one golden trait: they were consistent, they progressed. I have to progress, I have to go Rush or Pink Floyd on everyone's ass. I've already started. I need to stride on the path of my destiny. I need to get out of this foxhole I've dug out of cowardice and complacency. I've got nothing to run from. Bridges still to burn possibly, ghosts to be put to rest. That's the trip though, isn't it? The journey. The trials and hardships, they're complementary.

I can't let them stop me. I know tonight I'm going to curl up into a forced slumber, being jealous of my male competitors and how they might have a bigger dick than me or are more gifted at pleasing women. I'll try to neglect that it's my ex-girlfriends' birthday all day and think about nothing but her and my shameful guilt, all the while save face for my friends and family and live my whole day and wonder what's next, probably in the same place, around the same time. I can't let all that foil the bigger picture of my existence. There won't be any bouncing back, I'm not going to have a lucky streak. I'm going to accept my deficiencies, be proud of what I am and have. It'll be instantaneous. I won't even realize what hit me. Whatever is keeping me awake at night is going to put me to sleep one day, because it'll be a dream of once was or what may have never been.

I'm really investing in the truth in that statement.

Tags: analyze this, spirit of the night

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