Seven missed calls, three voicemails and three texts later...
...And I decide to call you back. Writing and thinking and analyzing isn't getting me anywhere, so maybe I just need to talk to you and tell you that you hurt me, but I'm over it. Maybe I need to tell you that no, I don't hate you, but I don't really feel anything towards you.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
You finally answer, and I'm at a loss for words again. "Hello?" "Hi" "Do you hate me?" And all I can think is, "Are those really the first words out of your mouth right now?" But instead I say, "No, I don't hate you-" You cut me off before I can finish my statement. "I can't really talk right now. I'll call you back later, okay?" I'm saying "Bye" and knowing that I'm not picking up next time.
Hanging out with you reminded me of how much I miss her.
I'm sorry, Ashley. You're a great girl, and I had so much fun with you today.
But, I just had these flashbacks, and I realized that I'm still in love with her.
How am I even supposed to respond to that? I wanted us to be friends. I'm not ready to jump into a relationship, and he said he wasn't either. We have fun together and he makes me laugh- is that so difficult to understand? But when we stay up all night talking on the phone for five hours straight and he's leading me in that direction, what the hell? What am I supposed to think when you call me at 1am and tell me that? You're an asshole, and I'm giving up on guys. Don't drag me into your drama, when all I want is to have fun.
Remember when you asked me if I was okay? How I brushed my hair out of my eyes and said that I was fine? That I didn't want to talk about, but everything was going to work out, that I had faith in the universe. I lied.
Or maybe I really believed myself when I said it. I wanted to believe it so badly that I thought I could will it to be true. Well it's three weeks later, and the truth is that I'm not okay. You keep saying that I don't have to pretend, that I can be honest- it's all you want from me. Well, I'm honestly telling you right now, but it's not going to make any difference. I feel like my entire life has fallen apart. Everything I knew has disappeared, and I feel so helpless to do anything. I want things to be better, and I want you to make them better.
And then there's boy. God, what an idiot I've been. I hate myself for ever believing a word you said to me. I hate that I waited so long to hear you say that, and once you did, it was too late. The irony is that it could have worked; it wouldn't have been long-distance. You can believe that I'm over it now, because you no longer hold that power over me. When I really think about it, I never should have allowed you to. No one should allow another person to be responsible for their feelings and emotions. But as fucked up as the situation was, it's helped me realize something... I need to figure things out for myself before I add a guy to the situation.