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The Remnants of Uncertainty...
|I'm unsettled. |
I move in 10 days. I've moved so much the last few years, but I'm leaving this apartment after being here for a year and a half. In my life as it is now, that is a long time. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stressed out about everything right now. The last month has shown me, more than ever before, that my parents aren't there to back me up anymore. My mom and I are barely talking if at all. My dad is ignoring me. I'm going to barely scrape by with this move. I'll have to pack everything up myself and figure out which pieces of furniture to sell.
My brother has no idea where he's going. As much as I'd like to set him up at a new place, I can't. I already paid out of the lease. I'll have to pay the remaining utilities. I'll have to pay any additional charges after we move out of the apartment. I'm barely going to get by on my own in that sense. No one in my family seems to be willing to take him in. I don't know how I ended up being responsible for both of us, but I am. I can't believe the weight on my shoulders. I have to do what's best for me.
I don't know anymore. I still have homework to do. I'm working on a business proposal. I have bills to pay. I have a whole apartment to pack and move. I still have work five days a week. I may need a second job. I might need to ask for a raise. I think I'll be fine, but it's going to be tight. I don't know. I wish I could be a slumdog millionaire. But life doesn't work that way. Suddenly all my dreams are becoming hazy. College is becoming less likely. The Navy thing doesn't seem to be worth it unless I can do college. I feel like I'll never get out of this area, out of my current job, into a higher education and better situation.
I feel so alone. I think I'll read the poem my girlfriend wrote for me. That makes me feel like someone is there for me at least.
|Tags: stress, moving, money, life, disappointment
|I woke up this morning expecting to work another day at my new job in San Diego, then look at a few places where I could rent a room.|
I ended the day back in my apartment in Folsom (near Sacramento).
So, what the hell happened in between?
A little back story. I was $10.00 overdrawn when the day began. I figured I'd be alright if I could find $20 on the street, put it in my account, and wait it out for my 401k withdrawal from Blue Shield to come, or for my check from my first three days at the new job to come, or for my unemployment check to come. One or all of the above would have been nice.
So I woke up a bit late. I've had an awful time sleeping lately and I don't really know why. I got to work about 10 minutes late and walked upstairs to apologize. I had no number to call anyone to let them know. I tried calling my temp agency, but no answer. So I go to my manager and she tells me to go downstairs and talk to the HR guy. I go talk to him and he tells me things have changed. His tone is immediately stoic and I know that he's about to terminate me. I'm a bit flustered and I ask, "Why? What did I do?"
"You slept on the job."
That's when I got defensive. I didn't SLEEP on the job. I was on my lunch break and I was sitting at my desk and relaxing. What, am I really supposed to eat for an entire hour? He asks for my badge and tells me to call the temp agency. They call me first and chew me out as well. Then they say this,
"They said you smelled like alcohol on your first day."
Again, what the hell is going on here? I haven't had a taste of alcohol in days, weeks even. Why would I smell of anything besides a mocha frapp or cereal in the morning?
So then, the temp agency tells me that coming late was the 'final straw', which I feel is bullshit because it's obvious they were coming after me anyway. I ask if they have anything on the dock, any jobs I could possibly interview for, and they are very vague and tell me they have nothing. I get off the phone.
So at this point I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot. I have negative money, a maxed out credit card, no job, no place, no way to attend school. I start thinking about the month I've had and how it was so great and how it taught me so much about myself. I persevered as long as I could... to the very bitter end. I literally tried and tried until I was absolutely knocked out. And the funny part is that I almost made it. I would have had a rough few weeks, but had that job worked out I would have made it.
But, another one of those 'almost' moments in my life wasn't enough for me at that time. The tears came, and the call to mom came.
"Well, you obviously need to come home now."
So I went to my cousin's place, packed my stuff, and just drove back. I called my friends on the way up and cried and laughed and talked about how everything is going to be alright. You know, the usual.
I have an interview at Blue Shield on Monday, in a different department doing a job better suited for me. So I hope that goes well. I have this apartment until September, and then me and my older brother might move in together. I'll figure all that out later.
I know things will be alright and that I will make the most out of this year. I know that I will end up where I want to be eventually, at a good school in a place I want to live with good friends.
I guess I'm just sick of the failure. I'm sick of the cards never falling right. I'm sick of the disappointment. I can only stay honest and motivated and pure for so long.
And something about this place makes me feel so alone.
Most of my best friends are down in southern CA, I have a few good ones up here that will help me get through all this though, so I'm happy for that.
I just hope things slow down for a bit now. I'm fine being back here and working for another year and taking a few classes and actually having a better plan this time. I'll actually have money saved up and no debt and all that when I move next.
I just don't know what to say. I want to make things work for myself, and that is harder for me to believe every day. But for now...
I still believe.
|Tags: jobs, unemployment, moving, disappointment, failure, family, friends, personal