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The Remnants of Uncertainty...
The End of May
05/26/09 at 12:40 AM by cassusriff
Interesting weekend. To recap:

My room underwent a bit of a redesign. My mom got me a new desk and a new bed set. My room has a very distinct contemporary design with black furniture. I also got a bluetooth apple keyboard to go with my bluetooth mouse and MiniDVI to HDMI cable. What all this means? Well, I'm in bed typing this while I stare at my 42" Sharp Aquos TV. I have a nice portable macbook, but I also have a 42" monitor to use while in my awesome room. Of all the living spaces I've ever had, this is definitely my favorite. The house in general is amazing and has really factored into my decision to stay here for school.

During the weekend I saw Terminator (awesome movie), hung out with my girlfriend, smoked hookah with some old friends, watched some sports, went shopping with my mom, and went to my cousin's high school graduation party.

The graduation party was very interesting. I remember when my cousins were freshman in high school and I was a senior. Now I'm three years removed from high school and really beginning my adult life. I keep getting asked if I feel different now that I'm 21. Initially I always say no because I don't drink much more now and I never drank much in general, but when I think about it I do feel different. I feel older now. I feel more removed from everything than ever before. Maybe this has to do with living in this house with my older friends. Maybe this has to do with making the decision about going to UC Davis. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that all my friends are getting to this place too. When we hang out we talk about college majors, careers, graduating from college, moving, jobs, relationships and where they are heading. We talk about our plans for marriage and kids.

It is all very overwhelming, but it is incredibly exciting. I see pragmatism in the decisions the people around me are making. I don't think any of us have really throw away our dreams, I just think we are all growing up and realizing we have to do things to survive and make a decent life for ourselves. Seeing my friends making big decisions and finding happiness makes me very happy.

My family and I are doing well too. It was nice shopping with my mom, good to talk to her again and put the last few months behind us.

The summer is promising. The semester is over and now I'm working to get everything together to go to school this fall. Loans, orientation, registration, paperwork, etc. Of course, I'm still working full time. My girlfriend is leaving to be a counselor at girl scout camp in a week so I won't see her much. Basically my summer is not extremely busy but definitely not a breeze.

I also got the go-ahead to do Razia's Shadow with the theatre company. I need to talk to my old high school to see if they would let us perform there. I don't know if I can pull this show together during this summer, but I can definitely try. I'll update more on that as it happens.

That should be all for now. Till next time.
Tags: razias shadow, performance, technology, life, personal, school, family, friends
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Waking Up In A New Beginning
04/26/09 at 06:34 PM by cassusriff
I'm sitting in Starbucks paying for a few hours of internet so I can do some homework and take care of a few other things while I wait for the internet to get set up at my new place.

It's been a crazy journey to this point. A lot has changed and I have to say it is all for the better. I already feel at home in my new place after one day. I am excited about a new start. I've been accepted to 3 colleges so far (UC Davis, UC San Diego, Univ of Oregon) and I am waiting to hear from Univ of Washington. My initial response is to lean toward attending UC Davis because of the stability I have established in this area. I have a job (which is more than a lot of people can say these days), I have friends here, I know the area, I wouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg to attend, and I would come out relatively strong financially and with a degree accompanied with 4 years of business experience.

Yes, the draw of going to Oregon or Washington is there. I love Eugene and I love Seattle. The areas and the colleges are magnificent. But the costs are huge, and it also involves uprooting my entire life for the 5 time in the last 3 years. To be honest, after the move this weekend, I am a bit tired of all the change. I've also come to realize that I have always yearned for something different but never really took the time to enjoy what I have. I think my family has made me want to leave this area for so long, but the truth is that with this move I have more distance from them. I don't live with my brother anymore, my mom doesn't know where I live anymore, no one does. The house is a refuge of sorts. I feel like there is no pressure when I'm there.

The move was exhausting in every way. My family fought and argued throughout it all. I was disowned by both parents repeatedly only to have them call again to yell at me. I had my brother, who just needed some guidance, getting tugged around every which way. Finally, my common sense prevailed and he went to the only certain living situation that he had at this time. His car got repossessed, but I think he has a stable environment now that will allow him to work himself back up. I can honestly say that even with the less than favorable living situation we had, I really looked out for his best interests and mine when we moved, even if it meant going against my parents and having them come down on me pretty hard.

Throughout the process, my girlfriend was amazing. I've never had anyone in my life like her. She helped more than anyone in my family ever could, and kept me going when I was breaking down due to the pressure. I couldn't even begin to repay her for what she's done for me, but I will do my best. She truly is one of a kind, not letting her go.

My friends that I have moved in with are also one of a kind. They had the help of their families and knew that I didn't, but they went to bat for me and have come through in every way. I couldn't be in a better living situation than the one I am in now.

All of this makes me want to stay. Why go and pursue change when what you have is so good? If I've distanced myself from the one thing that is difficult, my family, then why do I need to run any further? I've got the perfect combination of a house with guys I can watch sports and play pool and drink beer with and a girlfriend who is always there for me and will also want to watch sports, play pool, and drink beer. I have a good job, an acceptance letter from a great school in the area, and a fantastic place to live. Sorry if I don't really feel the pressure to leave that all behind right now.

I'm sore and tired. But I am damn happy.
Tags: moving, life, school, friends, family, girlfriend, personal
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A Shot to...
02/12/09 at 05:26 PM by cassusriff
A shot to friendship.
A shot to love.
A shot to forgetting ex-girlfriends and loving our new ones.
A shot to the tripod.
A shot to advancing careers.
A shot to a good year.
A shot for the hell of it.
A shot for picking up right where we left off.
A shot to happiness.
A shot to being here with the people we love most.

We might get pretty drunk, but this will be one of those weekends for the memories. Me, my best friends and our girls. Eric's going away party (He's heading to France for the year to star in a Disneyland Paris production of HSM as Troy), Disneyland with the girls on Valentine's Day, seeing old friends, having good times, sleeping on the floor and the couch.

I can't wait.
Tags: party, friends, good times
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Come All You Weary
12/27/08 at 07:19 PM by cassusriff
Christmas was... well it's not actually over for me. Tomorrow morning is brunch with my mom's side of the family (shhh! they are my favorite!). I'm bringing my girl to the brunch and it'll be the first time that side of the family meets her, I'm excited!

I've been spending the last two days hanging out with my friends. They are only in town for so long and I have to see them when I can. I feel like 2009 is going to be a big year for all of us and we won't have as many chances to see each other. I've come to terms with something in the last few days... I really love my friends. I'm getting sad knowing that we will all be even more scattered in the coming years, but such is life. I've had the same friends for 6 years and it isn't changing anytime soon. I'll meet and love new people, but my current friends will always be my people.

I'm working on my list right now, but I'm trying to buy a few more albums so I can include them in the judging for this year. I won't release my list till the new year, I want the chance to fully digest the albums I've recently spun. I'm excited for the list though.

Besides that, I may or may not take on any new things. For now I'm content blogging about what I feel like at the time. I'll continue to talk about music and such and my personal life, people read this so I guess that works for them. I'm not planning on making many videos and I'm hoping to record some music soon.

Anyway, Xmas was good. I got some great stuff (Thrice DVD, nice shirt, and some very sentimental stuff from my girl) and had a much less stressful holiday than usual. My brother's girlfriend moved out (did she ever really move in?) and our relationship is much better now for it. I got some new video games to play and I'm just enjoying some time off... so I'll be back to blogging later.

Until then, enjoy your holiday everyone!
Tags: thrice, xmas, friends, family, life
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Mr. Grinch
12/24/08 at 12:09 PM by cassusriff
Anyone who knows me in real life and not through the interwebz would likely say I'm pretty grinchy. I've tried to locate where this comes from and I've determined a few things.

My family has made the holidays something I never expected. I have a split family.

1. There is my dad's side who are good people with many struggles and a lot of bitterness. Time with them is unique in the sense that they are those overly cheesy, clap-for-you-for-getting-a-2.0-GPA, argue-about-nothing-and-everything, awkward family members. I love them and I love to see them, but usually once a year is enough. My dad is filled with bitterness and his anger always upsets me. Not to mention that I feel out of place in that family.

2. My step-dad's family is really great, albeit completely removed from me. I'm this white kid and they are all Filipino. And yes, I am Filipino as well and my mom was born there, but I just don't have the knoweldge of the culture. But I love them, they are all really fun and make great food, I just don't know many of them except my step-dad's three sisters and their kids. Time with them is awkward, pleasant, and a bit isolating.

3. My mom's family is great. I love them and feel like I really fit in with them. My cousins look up to me because I'm the oldest except for my brother. But since I'm the one who has been to college and all that, they always ask me for advice on applications and stuff. My younger cousins all are extremely cute and love to play around with their toys and watch Polar Express with me. My aunts and uncles talk to me about work and life and politics. I can be with them for days.

So not too bad right?

The problem is the travel. I'm a simple guy. My ideal Xmas is waking up that morning, opening presents under my tree, sitting and eating breakfast with my family, drinking hot chocolate by the fire, and watching movies or spending time with loved ones.

But every holiday season I'm forced to travel to see all these families. This year for example, I'm driving 3.5 hours to San Jose on Xmas morning to see my dad's family, staying there for the night, stopping by SF on the way back to see my see my step-dad's family, going home the night of the 26th to be with my girlfriend, then going back to SF on Sunday for brunch with my mom's family and then seeing my friend's show in Sacramento on the way back from that.

Not the relaxing Xmas I'd really love. It's not that I don't love my families, I do. I just want my own family. I want to be at home on Xmas instead of scattered and driving all over the place. Last year I was in a bar with my dad on xmas eve and I drove 3 hours home that night (I didn't drink, don't worry). That's not the Xmas I want.

But despite all of this, I have a ton to be thankful for. I need to recognize that and not be all grinchy.

1. Going to church with my mom, little brother, and step dad tonight. We are having dinner afterward. Despite all the animosity with my step dad growing up, we've grown to appreciate each other. And my mom is forever my hero despite our differences.

2. My dad has been anything but perfect. But I've found it in my heart to forgive but not forget the things he's done in the past. He has hit hard times and I need to be supportive. I wouldn't ever want to lose him and have our relationship strained. I never want grudges, they are never good.

3. I'm finally going to talk to my brother and sister again. I haven't talked to them in over 6 years. I can't wait to hear from them.

4. My girlfriend is amazing. What else can I say? Last night she put little love notes all over my apartment. This morning as I grabbed for my keys there was a note that said to have a good day at work. Last night, under my pillow was a note that said, "sleep tight". The tree in my apartment is from her. The presents in my closet are for her. She makes me extremely happy and has made my first Xmas on my own amazing and magical.

5. My friends are all back in town, if only for a few more days. Tonight we are going to chill at my place and drink a bit. What more could I ask for? My friends are the best in the world. They have my back no matter how shitty and grinchy I get. We will be all scattered across the world next year but we will NEVER stop being friends. I can't ask for better loyalty, love, and dedication.

6. I have a job. A lot of people can't say that right now. I'm getting two degrees in May. I'm hopefully going to get money from the Navy, but either way I'll be going to a top 10 public school in the nation come next fall (UC San Diego or UCLA). I have a future. I have promise. I have things to look forward to. I have a healthy family. I have amazing friends and endless amounts of support. I have a woman I love who treats me well and loves me back. I have a lot of stuff that people don't have the means for. I live comfortably and well and I am happy.

What more could I ask for this holiday season?

This grinch's heart just grew three sizes.
Tags: christmas, xmas, holidays, family, friends, life, thankful
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Overwhelmed
10/21/08 at 02:51 AM by cassusriff
Man, I thought last year was busy. I thought last spring was busy. I thought I knew what busy was.

I had NO fucking idea.

I don't even have a second to breathe it seems. I wake up exhausted and head to work. This job isn't like my old job at Blue Shield, I actually have to produce quality work for a straight 8 hours. I get off work and go home and try to find some piece of mind while maintaining communication with the girl I'm crazy about who lives across the country. I go to class and take a test or sit through a rough lecture or take an extremely difficult quiz. I get home and use my spare time to buy groceries, talk to my girl again, watch some TV with my brother, talk my friends through hard times or even good times, organize my finances and bills, do homework, make a video or write a blog.

Before I know it, it is 2am and I have work in 6 hours.

Rinse. Repeat the process.

Those who know me know that I am a bit OCD. In weird ways too. I used to have this routine of websites I'd check and I am really adamant about responding to comments on my blogs and facebook and youtube and such... but now I'm finding that I don't even have time to do that. I want to make more videos but I have no time for that. I want to work out but I'm just not finding time for that unless it is during my 10 minute break at work. Fortunately, I've continued eating relatively well so I've stayed at my target weight.

My mind is a blur of thoughts. I just applied for a second job during weekends and I don't know why I think I can handle that right now but I feel like I just NEED to handle that right now. I feel compelled to take on all of this because I think that 2009 is going to be another big year for me (maybe more successful too) and I can't slow down now. I need to hit the new year in stride and I can't relax now.

In two weeks my life is going to change when she steps off that plane.

My friends are all getting older and dealing with the pain and frustration that I have been dealing with for two years. They feel alone, they feel pressure, they feel lack of support and realism hitting them all at once. Welcome to the party people... I'm your host.

My family cannot function as a whole, but expect me to be their glue. I have to deal with them on an individual basis and it is up to me to make time for that. Same with my friends... just because I have a new love interest doesn't mean that I am just going to abandon them. I'm not like that nor will I ever be. I'm willing to stay up the extra hour for them. Work sucks, school sucks. I may be working 7 days a week and going to school 4 days a week in the near future... Help me.

But in the face of adversity, I have to stand strong. I may not have much air to breathe, but every breath is crisp and refreshing. I need to learn to survive on less oxygen. Thank heavens for her, she's injecting me with positivity throughout all of this and it is like a drug to me. I can't get enough of her.

So here I am... counting days. But the days are moving quicker than I can count. Before I know it...

The day will be here.
Tags: personal, work, friends, family, school, relationships, time
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On My Own
09/27/08 at 12:18 PM by cassusriff
Okay, so honestly? Honestly? I fucking LIVE on my OWN. Okay? Let's get that through our heads everyone. Because I'm feeling like some people just don't get it.

When I say I LIVE on my OWN. I don't mean that I have a job that pays my rent or that my parents send me money to cover rent every month, I'm saying that I pay MY rent.

When I say I LIVE on my OWN. I mean that I work 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, sometimes a little overtime, and I get paid every two weeks and make about $2000 a month that immediately goes to all of my bills.

When I say I LIVE on my OWN. I mean that I go to school after work and struggle to even pay for community college tuition. I can't afford my books and have to take my calculus tests without being able to study. I have to miss class sometimes because I can't afford the gas to get there. My only time to study is from 10:00pm at night when I get home until the time I go to bed.

When I say I LIVE on my OWN. I mean that NOTHING is paid by anyone else for me. I pay $200 a month for one year of student loans, I pay $170 for car insurance, I pay $60 for cell phone, I pay about $100 for utilities, I pay credit cards, I pay for food and gas and anything else I want. I PAY for all of this.

When I say I LIVE on my OWN. I mean that there is only a certain amount of bailouts I can afford. My parents will leave me in the red and not care. My dad can't afford to send me $200 a month that he promised because he used to steal my Christmas money when I was a kid. My brother is struggling just like me. My friends use their own money for their own stuff. And this awesome girl was the only one who was willing to buy me my Calculus book.

What I am saying is, I LIVE on my OWN. I'm 20, I'm poor, I'm struggling, and I don't have much support. So when I can't afford a trip to LA, I have to think about the fact that if I did go, I would probably come back to an evicted apartment. I'm sorry that some people can't fathom that idea, but this is my life. So HONESTLY, all I ask is that you try to understand before you shit on my situation. Because I stay happy for the most part as long as no one else tries to tell me that I am a piece of shit because I had to break a promise to SURVIVE.

I stay happy with all of this, and if you can't understand that then I don't need you. I don't need anyone to tell me I'm not worth something, because I'm honestly worth more than a lot of people I know...

Even if my bank statement says differently.
Tags: money, personal, issues, friends, life
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Move In, Move Out
09/15/08 at 02:56 AM by cassusriff
Wasn't I supposed to rest on weekends?

Damn, changing roommates shouldn't be this much work. My brother is moving in though, so his lack of any furniture falls on me and my mom to provide. She did most of the work and I give her a lot of credit, but I went through my usual OCD of having to clean whenever a lot of stuff is moved around. So I spent all day vacuuming, cleaning, dusting, moving furniture, and putting stuff together. Though I did take a nice break in between to watch the 49ers win a thrilling game in OT while eating pizza with my now former roommate and my other friend. There is nothing better than a sunday eating pizza with friends watching football, nothing.

Hanging pictures is a son of a bitch, there is so much intricacy that goes into it. My living room looks sweet now though. I really want to thank my old roommate, he left his sound system here because he has no room for it and said I could borrow it until he has a use for it. This makes me very happy. Though I do need to find out why the sub isn't working.

A few more kinks to work out with the apartment: Have to reorganize my room, make sure the cable gets set up correctly, make sure the gas and electric continue just fine, and the aforementioned fixing of the sub on the sound system. Besides that, the place is looking nice. I'm glad to call this apartment home for the next year.

Alright, on board for this week:

-First week of training at work. I've been doing the easy stuff so far, but now I have to actually learn the job. This could be moderately fun or extremely boring. Former please!

-Accounting and Calculus continued. Another week or these classes that will only get harder.

-Heart Walk on Saturday. The Heart Walk is pretty exciting for me. I ran a 5k last week in 30 mins, so I'm pretty sure walking it in 3 hours won't be a problem. I'm excited I've raised almost $200 already.

-Hanging out with Eric and maybe some other friends. We will see how my time works out with all of that.

I'll post some recs tomorrow, right now is sleepy time.


Donate to the American Heart Association for my Heart Walk
Tags: moving, roommates, family, friends, weekend, football, work, school, charity
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Exit
09/01/08 at 08:10 AM by cassusriff
I haven't been writing reviews or any parts of my stories or working on homework or doing entertainment blogs. Sure, I've written poetry, but none of it recreational. I've ditched the one word poems. I've been loving music and writing nothing about it. I've discovered all kinds of new movies and TV shows and I've been inspired and yet my last 5 or so posts have been medication to me.

I've been writing a lot of personal stuff lately. I don't know if it is the end of summer or the fact that I'm finally coming back into a routine instead of this spontaneous, sultry lifestyle. I don't know what it is, but this is what I've been inspired to write about lately. I get it. I know people don't want to read it. But I don't care. People are disappointments. People are unreliable. People are selfish. So I don't care if I'm doing a bit of that myself.

I've been thinking lately. Thinking about friends and who you think they are. I've been thinking about how much you are supposed to keep in touch with people you live far away from. I don't know what an acceptable amount is. I don't know how busy life is supposed to keep all of us. I don't know how much time we are supposed to set aside for our friends and the people we care about.

I used to believe that real friends make time and the people that matter are priority. I used to believe that we can struggle and look out for ourselves and still be there for each other. I used to believe in courtesy and righteousness. I used to believe in being there for the people you care about.

I used to believe I had a lot of people that I cared about that cared as much about me.

Hard to believe now. Very hard to believe.

I have a few people that keep me here. I don't need to name the few. I think if you assume you are one of those people, you should take a hard look at where you have been and how you've acted lately. I think the people who know they matter to me don't even need a second to consider it. They know it.

Everyone else? I don't know about any of you. I was willing to do almost anything for so many of you. Maybe we are just too young to be able to have responsible friendships. Maybe everyone is right when they say people our age are just selfish and there is nothing we can do about it. Maybe none of you really cared and enjoyed what I had to offer at the time. Whatever the reason, I don't care.

Quality over quantity. I don't need the big numbers as long as I have bigger people with bigger hearts around me.

So for those of you who don't care about how much I care? Those of you who want to tug me around and give me mixed signals? Those of you who feel like you are fine without my support or love?

The door is open. I won't wave as you walk out.
Tags: friends, personal, writing, music, anger
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The Edge of Summer
08/21/08 at 04:27 AM by cassusriff
Checking in:

This is my last week of summer. So I'm going out in style. A week-long road trip to three areas.

1st stop: Santa Barbara

2nd stop: LA and Westwood

3rd and Final stop: Fullerton

I've spent the last two days in Santa Barbara and have had a blast. I can't wait to go to LA and Fullerton.

This has been a rough summer in many ways, but I also think it has been the best summer of my life. I don't think I've ever had more fun and I don' think I've ever been happier with my life and where I am.

I'll post more thoughts later and I will also finish some reviews as well as give some recommendations when I get back home finally.

Cheers! To the last week of summer!
Tags: life, summer, vacation, personal, friends, road trip, fun
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North
08/09/08 at 12:52 AM by cassusriff
I woke up this morning expecting to work another day at my new job in San Diego, then look at a few places where I could rent a room.

I ended the day back in my apartment in Folsom (near Sacramento).

So, what the hell happened in between?

A little back story. I was $10.00 overdrawn when the day began. I figured I'd be alright if I could find $20 on the street, put it in my account, and wait it out for my 401k withdrawal from Blue Shield to come, or for my check from my first three days at the new job to come, or for my unemployment check to come. One or all of the above would have been nice.

So I woke up a bit late. I've had an awful time sleeping lately and I don't really know why. I got to work about 10 minutes late and walked upstairs to apologize. I had no number to call anyone to let them know. I tried calling my temp agency, but no answer. So I go to my manager and she tells me to go downstairs and talk to the HR guy. I go talk to him and he tells me things have changed. His tone is immediately stoic and I know that he's about to terminate me. I'm a bit flustered and I ask, "Why? What did I do?"

"You slept on the job."

That's when I got defensive. I didn't SLEEP on the job. I was on my lunch break and I was sitting at my desk and relaxing. What, am I really supposed to eat for an entire hour? He asks for my badge and tells me to call the temp agency. They call me first and chew me out as well. Then they say this,

"They said you smelled like alcohol on your first day."

Again, what the hell is going on here? I haven't had a taste of alcohol in days, weeks even. Why would I smell of anything besides a mocha frapp or cereal in the morning?

So then, the temp agency tells me that coming late was the 'final straw', which I feel is bullshit because it's obvious they were coming after me anyway. I ask if they have anything on the dock, any jobs I could possibly interview for, and they are very vague and tell me they have nothing. I get off the phone.

So at this point I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot. I have negative money, a maxed out credit card, no job, no place, no way to attend school. I start thinking about the month I've had and how it was so great and how it taught me so much about myself. I persevered as long as I could... to the very bitter end. I literally tried and tried until I was absolutely knocked out. And the funny part is that I almost made it. I would have had a rough few weeks, but had that job worked out I would have made it.

But, another one of those 'almost' moments in my life wasn't enough for me at that time. The tears came, and the call to mom came.

"Well, you obviously need to come home now."

So I went to my cousin's place, packed my stuff, and just drove back. I called my friends on the way up and cried and laughed and talked about how everything is going to be alright. You know, the usual.

I have an interview at Blue Shield on Monday, in a different department doing a job better suited for me. So I hope that goes well. I have this apartment until September, and then me and my older brother might move in together. I'll figure all that out later.

I know things will be alright and that I will make the most out of this year. I know that I will end up where I want to be eventually, at a good school in a place I want to live with good friends.

I guess I'm just sick of the failure. I'm sick of the cards never falling right. I'm sick of the disappointment. I can only stay honest and motivated and pure for so long.

And something about this place makes me feel so alone.

Most of my best friends are down in southern CA, I have a few good ones up here that will help me get through all this though, so I'm happy for that.

I just hope things slow down for a bit now. I'm fine being back here and working for another year and taking a few classes and actually having a better plan this time. I'll actually have money saved up and no debt and all that when I move next.

I just don't know what to say. I want to make things work for myself, and that is harder for me to believe every day. But for now...

I still believe.
Tags: jobs, unemployment, moving, disappointment, failure, family, friends, personal
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Looking Back...
08/07/08 at 10:15 PM by cassusriff
Quote:
I love you. I've never loved anyone, anything more. I hope that you can be happy.

But really. Corey, I love you. I love you with everything I have. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I thought about everything. There is nothing I should worry about. I know you love me, and I love you.

I hope that you cheer up, because I can honestly say that I am happy now. I know what I have. I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure I never, ever, ever lose it.

I'm sorry that I made you sad in the first place... I just hope you can forgive me, and we can move on with our lives together.

Just know that I think you're absolutely amazing, and to be quite frank... I wouldn't change a thing about you. Not one single hair on your head. Or arm, for that matter. Never forget that. I will always love you, Corey. Always.

Smile

Funny how things change huh? Broken promises and exaggerated feelings.

I love that my biggest mistake was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I wouldn't take back anything... even with how shitty that year was.

Because I was that guy, and I was settling. I was 18 and I thought I had it all figured it. She was 16.

Turns out we didn't have it all figured out.

I'm glad things have changed, I'm glad we've moved on, I'm glad the mistakes were made.

But I can't say I don't look back with a heavy heart. It's going to be a while before I get that serious with anyone again.

Oh well... such is life.
Tags: personal, relationships, exgirlfriends, old emails
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Ignorance and Bliss
07/13/08 at 03:04 PM by cassusriff
There is a sweet kind of ignorance, a kind that blinds you and angers you and seeps deep into your body without you realizing anything. This ignorance spawns naivety. This ignorance encourages inebriation. This ignorance helps illicit a care-free persona that gives no regard to the consequences of actions.

I have been swimming in this ignorance for weeks now. I've tried to act like I've come to grips with the fact that I'm moving, but in all honesty I've just accepted all of this as something that will happen but never as something that IS happening.

And it is happening. Right now.

I've partied with you all for the last few weeks, overindulging and pushing my body to the limits. I've been confused by my emotions, wanting to have a special moment with each and everyone person I know before I leave again. I've been plagued by the failures of my past. The last time I did this I came back a year later with my tail between my legs.

The beauty of a second chance is that you can bring it all back and reinvent yourself. But the danger of a second chance is that I can't deal with a massive failure like that again. When I left last time I was only 18 and I was blinded by this perfect world that I saw. I knew that if things went that bad I could always come home and the community would welcome me with open arms.

And you guys sure did. I couldn't have messed up more but I came back and the true friends didn't leave me.

But now? Almost everyone who was here is gone. Everything about this place has changed. When I leave this time, I'm not just going somewhere for a long vacation, I'm leaving home. I'm leaving home and I'm off to make a new one for myself.

It scares the shit out of me. You can't burn bridges twice.

It's a harsh, biting reality. Such mixed and bittersweet emotions. There is no anger deep down, no regret. I have a sly, sorrow disposition. A hesitance and resistance for the true underlying concern. On friday, stability ended for me. Comfort ended. Tonight I won't sleep in my bed. On monday I don't have a job to go to.

This freedom is the scariest of all. Sure, a plan is in place and it seems likely to work. But tomorrow is no longer a sure thing. I broke free from a cage only to find myself in a vast desert. And I have to ask myself now, is there an oasis nearby or does this emptiness stretch past the horizon?

So I've held onto this ignorance as long as I can. But there is no more hiding it. I have to accept this and dammit I am more excited than I could be. But I've left before and this time I can't come back. And that is why I can't handle anything right now. I can't answer any of your calls or talk about how I'll see you during Christmas break. I just need time to let this all soak in.

Because this really is goodbye. And this is the start of my new life.
Tags: personal, moving, san diego, friends, family
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Resolution
06/27/08 at 02:31 AM by cassusriff
I don't know how I want to write this. I've been really enjoying writing poetry and lyrics again, but it has been a while since I wrote a real life blog. I wonder if this shit is going to turn into a random thought/rant blog. Oh god, I hate when I write these. How about just a few random thoughts:

1) I really enjoy the features I've added to my weekly blogging. Every Thursday I do my oneword.com entries (On AP I just post each individual one daily). Every Sunday I do my entertainment blog, something I'm really going to start focusing on every week. And anything else I blog during the week is just freestyle. It could be anything from poetry to a song I wrote to a random musing.

2) Man, my job is stressful.

3) I've been so tired lately.

4) Ryan Anderson (a fellow high school grad) just got drafted #21 by the New Jersey Nets. Congrats to him and I look forward to watching him play professional basketball. I mean, wow. I can't believe how far he has come and how fast it happened for him.

Okay okay... that's enough of that. Let's get down to the nitty gritty (hate that expression).

I'm moving. Yup. Surprised? Well if you talk to me at all, you'd probably at least know at least part of the story. Break it down this way:

I got into UCSD. I took forever to decide, going as far as having a percentage about it. I started off 50-50%, then every day/week I moved closer to 100%. Eventually, after my mom and I visited UCSD and stayed in La Jolla for the weekend, I came back and claimed I was 112%. Yea, La Jolla is that awesome.

So I made that decision. But for most of June I've been stuck in the middle of these two lives. I've really enjoyed my time here since May really. I've been hanging out with my friends a lot, seeing my family a bit more, just having a really good time. The only thing that was really bothering me was my uncertainty. I just wanted clarity and I wanted to know what was happening, or at least have a faint idea. By the way, if you read my blog regularly, I'm sure you recognize some of these words because I've written poems based on them lately. Ah, it all ties in!

So anyway, fed up with this purgatory (another buzz word!) I finally took the leap and put in my two weeks at Blue Shield. A variety of things led me to that decision. A couple of irate, absolutely crazy customers that completely killed what little was left of my spirit and a fight with a really close friend of mine that propelled me into "I don't give a shit, I'm leaving" mode. We'll talk about this in a little bit.

Whether or not these were good reasons, I am happy I did this. After sending that email, my spirits immediately lifted. In a way I've become more like the guy I was when I came to Blue Shield; eager, motivated, and chipper. I guess having a light at the end of the tunnel really helps. I've been more social with my co-workers, because I've realized how much they mean to me and how I've been through a lot with them in the last year. I know it will be quite a shock to not see them 5 or 6 days out of the week anymore, but I know they always support me.

I guess the whole thing is bittersweet. But it definitely freed me.

So I've been looking at apartments. Suddenly, interviews have been coming. I have a good shot at getting a couple of good jobs, so I'm really not worried. I've spent the last few days figuring out finances, and admittedly things will be a bit tight for a few months. But either way, the date is set.

July 11th. My last day.

After that, I'll take a week off to sign a lease and/or go to San Diego to do some interviews and/or spend some quality time with friends and family. My plan/goal is to be working in San Diego by July 21st.

Having the dates set in a way really helped me get ready for this.

The hard part? My friends and family. I've been hanging out with friends almost every day. That close friend of mine patched things up with me and I'm really going to miss him/her. My brothers are all in the same place for once, but I have to go and ruin that by moving. And on top of all that I've started to enjoy this area a little bit more.

But it's not enough to keep me here. Because unlike the last time I left this area (see: 2006 move to Arizona), I am not running. I am simply moving on. I am not escaping, I am simply starting fresh. I am not bitter, angry or regretful; I am simply nostalgic, happy, and grateful.

I love my friends here, the ones who are about to move as well and the ones who are staying. I love my apartment in Folsom. I love my family and my two brothers who live up here. I love all the crazy and fun co-workers I have. But it's time. It's time for me to take the next step on my path.

And I feel damn good about it. Scared? Yes. Worried? Yes. Excited? Hell yes.

This is my time. This is my place. This is my life.
Tags: moving, san diego, life, 2 weeks notice, job, friends, family
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At the Apex of Happiness...
06/09/08 at 08:26 PM by cassusriff
Today we fly. We find our wings and we soar. There is nothing we can't do. There is no horizon we can't touch. We live on the edge of greatness and we cross that barrier. We cross it today. We float on cloud nine. In ecstasy and in benevolence. In love and peace.

We sing in cars. We dine with friends. We taste the salt of the ocean. Together.

We play, we dance, we embrace. We smile and we stare at the views. We drive, we walk, we run, and we skip. We laugh and cry from laughter. Our vision gets blurred and our eyes get heavy. Our stomachs get full and our ears are filled with sound. We breathe the glory. We bathe in it.

We live and we love.

This is what weekends are made of.

written on Saturday June 7th on my phone while I was sitting in the back of Eric's car.
Tags: weekend vacation, LA, friends
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