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| Take This To Your [Headphones]
| | Looking back and forward. |
“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other…
Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.”
Currently contemplating, stressing, remembering.
| | Tags: friendships, relationships, boy, life, |
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| | | If It Means A Lot to You |
And hey sweetie,
Well I need you here tonight,
And I know that you don't wanna be leaving me
Yeah, you want it, but I can't help it.
I just feel complete when you're by my side...
I miss you all the time,
especially at night.
You already know this, but it helps me to say it out loud.
Come back soon.
| | Tags: Boys, Friendship, Personal, Life |
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| | I never told you this |
but I made a secret pact to myself that when it's all said and done,
I want to try us out.
See if it will work.
I feel like somewhere down the line we'd be perfect for each other.
But for now, I want you to go live out your dream of success to the fullest extent...
and perhaps, just maybe, when you call it quits, or achieve your goals we can see if this could ever be something.
I've waited for you for at least three years.
I can keep going.
I think you're worth it. | | Tags: Boys, Friendships, Romance, Life |
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| | This Bad Romance |
Without going in a long drawn out story about what I'm going through right now in terms of past/present/future relationships, I watched When Harry Met Sally tonight and this scene became so undeniably relevant, that I couldn't ignore it.
Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me.
Harry: If you could take him back now, would you?
Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me?
Harry: Nothing.
Sally: I'm difficult.
Harry: You're challenging.
It's just....
where's MY happy ending? | | Tags: Boys, Friendships, Relationships, Life |
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| | | This Cliche |
is what I relate to:
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
There's only one person in the world that I cried for at the airport, other than when my best friend moved away in 8th grade.
I feel this loneliness every time we separate. It's thick and empty and overwhelming.
We are so much alike that in causes strong frustration most of the time we're together.
This is one of the few times in my life, I feel like both characters in this scenario.
I know I'm the pain in the ass, I know he's not afraid to hurt my feelings.
And here I am, begging and pleading on the inside for decisions to be made.
I know what I want but there are so much red tape and conflicting factors.
It's heart-wrenching to know exactly what I want and have to watch it from a distance, knowing that when it comes down to it, feelings are mutual but nearly impossible to actually co-exist in the same vicinity.
So we fight and I cry.
Everything else around me is just a substitute or means of forgetting about what I really do want.
I'm not sure I'll ever get it.
Maybe I'm not supposed to....
So for now, there's just the emptiness. | | Tags: boys, relationships, friendships, hearbreak, life |
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| | Mistakes We Knew We Were Making |
I guess I'm just trying to figure it all out.
About 6 months ago I was taken off guard by something.
Without going into the details that I've spilled so many times before, I'll say that I changed a long time friendship based on feelings that I had.
It ended poorly, both of us to blame in some sense...
I just never really got over the timing of it.
From that point on, I decided that it was time to focus on myself.
I pretty much was down to my last leg of trust in anyone, mainly any guy that I knew.
Not making it all about dating and hooking up took a lot of the pressure off.
Everyone was a disappointment in my eyes anyway.
I never had to worry about expectations, or saying the right things.
This was all a new found freedom--going out became about enjoy my friends around me, rather than the anxiety of scamming.
I could actually take up a hobby and focus on myself.
I watched some dating shows and learned about potential mistakes that I was making.
"If you're constantly falling into a "type" but still end up single, then you have to make a change if you ever want to be happy. Start thinking outside your comfort zone"
or there was something as simple as: "No sex without monogamy"
And then I guess I forgave some people or just looked past my suspicions
and I let some walls down for others.
I thought, maybe it's okay to trust and be honest with some.
It always feels good when feelings are mutual.
But maybe this wasn't exactly what I wanted.
I never wanted to break the rules that I had set for myself.
I guess there's just a point of no return and you have to roll with it.
I can't help but feel as though I wasn't really ready.
I guess I perhaps imagined it to end differently---i guess more along the lines of what was originally implied.
It just feels like the same mistake that I've made before.
Maybe I will never be taken seriously enough for it ever to really matter or be important.
All I know is that...I'm left wondering.
i wonder how this all made me look.
i wonder if this will be all there is.
i wonder if i even has some sort of self respect left intact.
and in between all of this i can't help but really wonder,
"do you think of me at all?" | | Tags: Boys, Friendships, Relationships, Life |
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| | Edge of Desire |
Young and full of running
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinite
love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be?
don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me.
I recently had a discussion with two of my friends about that one person that you'd burn the world down for.
It doesn't matter how long ago it was or who you're with now and how in love with this new person you are...
it's about the first person that ignited everything inside of you.
that seemed to be completely right for you, but in rational, real terms they're actually all wrong for you.
they made you feel a sense of love and passion that you never had felt before in your life.
but they also have wronged you.
the point is that they made you feel alive.
no matter how great of a "fake boyfriend" they seemingly appear to be
or how your fingers caught sparks upon contact
or how you had an unspeakable connection that made you feel like soulmates...
it's just not right.
we divulge our thoughts for hours upon hours with our friends and family and coworkers and strangers on the street
we write in journals, in blogs, in tweets, in anything that will help us make sense of the situation
we lock ourselves up so we can shut ourselves down
and yet, despite all of this, despite the fact that we were mislead, or cheated on, or given false hopes and promises,
we would do anything they asked of us if it meant that we would be together.
anything.
scary isn't?
you have to ask yourself, "why am i making this person my priority when i'm only their option?"
why is it important that they like you or that you continue to like them?
perhaps what you liked about them doesn't actually exist anymore
maybe it never existed in the first place?
it's time to stop holding on to them
and start making it about you.
perhaps rather than burning the world down for someone else, you can learn to let it expand and flourish for yourself.
it's all right in front of you.
make your move. | | Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Life, John Mayer |
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| | I'll be waiting for nothing. |
So touch me or don’t
Just let me know
Where you’ve been
We could leave it alone,
I’m sure there’s someone who knows
Where you’ve been
"I hope I don't run in to her tonight. She was the one that got away and now she's married and starting a family".
I hold the phone close and stare at the ceiling.
This wasn't the type of conversation that I was hoping to hear.
If it's not about this girl, it's about his ex that still goes on family outings with him.
Or it's about the girl right before me that he says he's over since she rejected him, but I know that if she made the call, he'd go back at the drop of a hat.
And yet, I'm still answering his calls.
I'm still entertaining some thought of this.
Can't really make something real though if the two parties involved aren't willing to compromise some of their social life.
I thought for a small fraction of time that I had control of this. I think he was able to convince me of it to a certain point.
And now that confidence is just fading by the day.
It's hard to give up when he's really the only person who consistently makes me laugh.
Some of the best weekends I experienced in the last few years were with him.
I know what I would like him to become...but I can't change him.
He has to figure things out for himself and learn to grow up a bit on his own.
I think he has the potential to be the perfect catch, but I don't think he's willing to make the changes to do so.
I personally want to stop feeling suspicious and jealous, and just feeling like total shit because I'm not the only one he thinks about, yet he's the only one on my mind.
Down the road, when it comes time for me to get back in the dating scene, I want to meet a guy who wants me and only me.
Who isn't caught up in his past relationships, and actually appreciates everything in front of him.
I don't want to have to compete anymore. I don't want to worry about a guy telling me things, only to be telling some other girl the same thing.
I want someone who will make me laugh and be caring. I want someone who's monogamous, that I can trust. I want him to be tall, with a nice smile. I want someone who is SANE and still good in bed. I want a lot of things.
Maybe that's the most selfish thing in the world, but I want to believe that there's someone out there who is just right for me.
Please tell me they're out there.
Until, then, I'll be on the other line.
Well, I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
'cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it. | | Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Life, Brand New |
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| | Let's be a little more Cavalier. |
I've been hearing some things over this past year
and it's making me fucking sick
I'm proud to say I'm better off that way
I'm looking forward towards tomorrow
while you're looking back upon today
It's not something to cry about
I'm so cavalier without
over time I've seen a lot of things
I'm not that proud to talk about
I'm fine.
Really, for the most part it's true.
I don't regret the decision I made in the early Fall.
I'm happy that I didn't hold on to things that were safe for the sake of good company.
I said my peace and wished you well, now do the same for me.
I'm tired of making the right decision in my life only to have those that I believed I was doing a favor for, try bite me back for it.
I don't need to sit around taking internet guilt trips and quips.
Be happy in your own life and what you've obtained since we've went our separate ways.
Here's to wishing you luck and hoping your grudges dissolve as quickly as the strength of our friendship did. | | Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Life, Four Year Strong |
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| | Everybody Learns from Disaster |
"I think we all just want someone who understand us and makes us feel proud of ourselves"
It's all about this and loving and being loved in return.
In recent months (or possibly even years) I've felt like a failure in all of this.
I've been a part of unsatisfying relationships and situations because I felt bad about hurting people's feelings.
I've put time and effort into guys, only to have them not contact me for several weeks/a month and resurface with a girlfriend who they play off as being the best thing that ever happened to them.
I've liked guys because they were good in physical aspects and nothing more.
I've liked guys that were careless with my feelings, yet seemed to be one of the few people I've encountered that could ever actually hold worthwhile conversation.
What did this all this mean?
Where does all this take me?
Why do I constantly put time and effort and heart into something that is reciprocated and then fails--or just was never truly appreciated in the first place?
At a certain point in my life, not that long ago, I spent nights drinking myself into an honest state only so I could develop some sort of (liquid) courage to tell a guy how I felt over the phone.
Only on a rare occasion when I was falling in the state between sleep and awake would he truly tell me how he felt.
One night when I was alone, listening to the ocean, feigning off a liquid buzz, he randomly came straight out and told me how he felt.
It was brief but truly and utterly honest...and how did I react?
I pretty much burst into tears.
For once in his cynical, indifferent, self-loathing life he decided to tell me something truly nice and genuine and essentially all I ever wanted to hear from him.
I just couldn't help myself. It was like a strange weight had been lifted.
He asked me if I was crying and I tried to lie and downplay it, but he knew.
And like always when things became honest and real, he disappeared for a little while.
I don't know what I wanted out of it.
I think for a certain point I believed that this was right for me and perhaps, maybe, he would feel the same and something would happen.
But that was never in his plan.
If he truly wanted it, he would have tried to make it work.
It was my fault for not seeing that it was strictly one-sided.
I think after a certain point, I just needed the mental stimulation, the good conversation, the hope that this feeling would eventually be re-created in someone real--who actually cared about me and wanted to make something of it.
I needed someone real to make feel real.
Unfortunately, due to recent events, I have a hard time believing in much anyway.
Even this blog was not exactly what I wanted it to be, but the thoughts and emotions are really there and had to be said at some point.
Maybe some of you can relate, maybe some of you can't.
After a recent conversation with a dear friend, I realized that I've sold myself short for a long time.
I've basically settled on things that were comfortable or only stimulating in one aspect.
The point of all this:
Find someone who makes you feel good about yourself--who can stimulate you in all aspects of your life.
Don't sit there and make excuses for them, because, for everything THEY can't supply you with, there will be someone that can.
Don't fucking sell yourself short for a minute. | | Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Truth, Life |
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| | Are We There Yet? |
They say that home is where the heart is...
I guess I haven't found my home.
And we keep driving around in circles,
afraid to call this place our own.
And are we there yet?
I am curled up under blankets, trying to keep in the warmth.
I clutch the phone to my ear at 1:30AM.
"You're the person I would have a relationship with but you're too far away"
My stomach leaps.
I am a mixture of asleep and awake.
We were full of laughter
and then we were fighting...
Fighting about his true intentions, my inability to show enough interest, just about what we were doing in general with all of this...
and then he came out and said that.
I closed my eyes and sighed.
I don't want him to be the voice on the other end of the line.
I want him to be here.
But he'll never be here...at least not when I need him the most.
and I'm afraid to put more effort in this because I don't want to get hurt.
They say there's linings made of silver
Folded inside each raining cloud
Well, we need someone to deliver
Our silver lining now
I want to move on with my life...but I don't even know what that means.
Maybe I want him to be apart of all of that.
But, we are two giant entities of chaos.
And it won't be too much
'Cause this is too much
'Cause this is too much for me to hold
This is too much for me to hold
It's all up in the air for now.
But, it's a new year and it's all just beginning.
Here's to hoping I can find the right answers and the right people to have in my life.
And are we there yet?
And are we there yet? | | Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Life, Ingrid Michaelson |
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| | You had me singing forever. |
"I refuse to get a grip
What's the point when life is stripped more than it ever was
It's time to turn a leaf over but I don’t see any trees or leaves
Why set something free with no reason to let it go
It must not be meant to be
How could you do this to me
I gave you every little thing that I could
You had me singing forever
Just like I knew you would"
It's strange to think that another person has the ability to handicap you and your emotions.
I guess the hardest part in convincing yourself that there's no point in putting your heart into something that gives you nothing in return.
Maybe we should stop holding on to our "idea" of a person and actually seem them for what they really are.
It's possible to find someone who fits your needs and personal requirements and is actually willing to giving the 100% it takes to make something work.
No mind games, guessing games, secrets, lies, etc.
I want to believe that there is actually someone who can match me, who knows how to handle everything that I am about...perhaps some day down the road I will find him.
I just hope that they can make me feel as good as you did. | | Tags: Punchline, Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Life |
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| | The case of "The Long Term Relations" |
Thought I was alone in my utter disgust
’Til the old me started to bleed and we became us
Lust in this trust in this social halitosis
Combust to form stardust burning nuclear gust
"I mean, we're practically dating without actually dating. We're essentially having long term relations"
Really is that what this is?
I considered a comeback as I searched through nail polish colors.
Sugar and Spice
Hotel Suite
Hopelessly in Love
None of these will do.
Is this what it's come down to?
"Long term relations"?
That sounds absolutely fucking terrible.
I respond with "Sure" until I figure it all out later.
That's essentially what I always do.
Settle the "right now" feelings and deal with the consequences later.
I honestly feel indifference to almost everything in my life currently and I'm thinking that this is going to join the ranks.
He's currently one of the only people who can make me laugh anymore...which I guess is one of the few things that keeps me coming around.
I have a mixture of overwhelming anxiety, distrust, and overall adoration for this fellow and where will it get me?
Fucking nowhere.
This is a secret. It has to be.
I'm left sharing the happy and that sad and frustrating moments with only myself and this text box.
Where we're apart I miss him incredible amounts and half the time we're together, we're arguing about how we behave when we're apart.
Sometimes I see this lasting for only two more months and other times I see it lasting years if I so choose to make my life go that route.
I guess right now it's just the waiting game to see who will fuck this up first.
While every day I wonder why I'm bothering with something so completely uncertain.
I always go in with some heart and someone's heart to break.
But how is it that I feel that I'm the one about to be broken? | | Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Truth, Lies, Life, Say Anything. |
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