It's been hard to write lately. Not because I have a block but because there's just too much to write about. A lot has happened.
I pulled the curtain a little more on two of my closest friends and saw what was really behind it.
In simplest terms: my trust was broken numerous times within this past month. My best friend and my now ex-girlfriend were going behind my back. What they were doing exactly is up for interpretation. Conflicting stories and lack of cooperation on simple questions leads me to believe the worst, but who the fuck knows. I found out about all of this through lurking(could save lives, could also end) and within three feet of my best friend sitting near me. I'm not a violent guy, so I didn't do anything like that. But I did kick him the fuck out.
I was 70x7'd, in Brand New terms.
I still can't grasp that my best friend of ten years felt the need to do that. I was dating this girl for three and a half years now, and he needed to do that? He wanted to and went for it? And she let him. She said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to ruin the friendship.
Well then............................... .............
And what's even more fucking boggling is the lack of logic in the situation. He was my best friend of ten years AND living with me. I gave him a place to stay during the summer. So, he felt the need to try and fuck me over? What kind of logic is that? It's something that would make a Vulcan commit suicide. It doesn't make sense.
I haven't felt like myself throughout all of this. Contacting old friends, trying to just talk to fucking anybody. I feel pathetic.
A lot of broken plans filled the rest of the month while I found out about more lies that I was told throughout my relationship. Which has been terrible to deal with as majority of these lies and actions went on in my bedroom. A place which lost a lot of meaning as sleep is barely done inside of it now.
I went into exile to Orlando with a friend. Leaving my cellphone at the hotel while I did whatever the fuck I wanted to in the resort.
Swim, eat, drown. All things were done and considered.
My ex is now dating another guy, not my friend, but the guy that she was cheating on me with. He claims he's the better man throughout all of this, but clearly he's an idiot. Let someone take the things you care about the most and then see how you start to act about it all. He reminds me of Glenn Beck with the way he parts his sentences and think he can make points out of debunked points. He can get fucked and fisted.
Let's call him Goomba.
He seriously looks like this. I was about to ask "what was she thinking?" but I'm almost 99% sure she's NOT.
Now, I told myself I wouldn't shit talk him or her, but I've also been bent over non-stop for the past month. Fuck it.
It's been a month since all of this shit began. Am I doing better? Yeah, but it's hard to not miss months ago, when I was blind to all of the truth.
I think its safe to say "I've only got myself to blame" but recently I heard of a philosophy: "Some people are horrible, and the rest are just better liars." and these days, that is so true.
B is for believing you'd always be here for me.
E is for everything, even when we'd see it though.
C, C is for seeing through you, you are a fake,
which brings me to A because, because, you always run away.
The hardest part of writing an entry is writing the beginning. I think. I can't seem to figure out what I want to write about and then, afterward, how to write about that subject.
I could go on for hours on how majority of my week is spent babysitting miserably(due to lack of sleep). How much I hate Dora and Diego, along with those fucking Backyardigans. But then I think of how my babysitter must have felt when I watched Dragon Ball Z, or some other show on Toonami. At least kids' shows back then had some realism to them(is that the right word?). Hey Arnold!, Doug, Rugrats...
I'll stop now before I start crying.
Maybe I can write about how I learned that a girl who sat next to me most of my senior year may or may not have killed her baby sister when she was in her early teens. Yeah. Holy fuck. Think about how I felt when I learned that from the girl herself. Or how my friend felt, who literally slept next to her earlier that week. I can't even try to go further into discussion with this subject, I'm still in shock. I'm also still in the midst of buying a firearm.
My birthday though, which was two weeks ago, was nice. Turning 20 for me just feels...a bit pathetic. Now whenever I go to the local Starbucks or walk through Target, I feel my 15-year-old self behind me asking "Why is that guy here? Didn't he graduate two years ago?"
For the record, if I met my 15-year-old self, I'd need weeks to explain how to prepare for the fuckery of the next five years. And that's including this past month.
I'm sure at some point during the week I'll go back to this entry and expand on a lot of points. So yes, we can dwell in time travel subjects.
It seems to be getting harder and harder to get out of bed everyday. I used to wake up around eleven or twelve because I knew you would be coming over around three. Now I'm lucky if I'm out of bed by then.
There's times where you get my hopes up and make me think that you will be coming over again around four, but I'm constantly disappointed in the broken plans and your lame excuses.
"Testing water for class."
"I'm out with friends."
"I have no ride."
"I'm stuck at school."
I just hope that at one point in your empty promises you'd just be straight and say "Hey, I don't want to fucking see you. So I'm going to stop telling you I might be able to." Because it's really fucking upsetting and it's not right of you to talk like you care when that's obviously not going on.
Tonight hopefully I see an old friend and I have a good time. If not, I'm sure in the next month my schedule will be so busy I won't even be able to remember your face. Though I miss it.