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| The Remnants of Uncertainty...
| | The Remnants of Uncertainty |
I feel the burning of my heart as it slows down and now the torch is near to out.
But the flames will last and I'll feed it fast as I fight to replace that wick.
Seems to me that my heart itches, almost begging for something missing. What is it?
I’m so content, so busy how can I fill this empty void?
But now am I truly alone?
I can hear my voice echo.
Only now I wish I was out of the atmosphere knowing truly sincere
The stars would never mock me.
You see my failures, I've fallen down. I'll chew my words for now and they will burn your ears as I spit them out.
You see my ashes at your feet; I can hear your breath...
But you will falter as you watch my fiery ascent to success and with it comes my happiness
The inspiration died so my style is cramped, but now I'm no longer trapped
But now am I truly alone?
I can hear my voice echo.
Only now I wish I was out of the atmosphere knowing truly sincere
The stars would never mock me.
So rough, ambiguous design in motion,
Give me one more bittersweet entity
To take with me to the battlefield
As I fight my own trials and ideas.
For the victorious would be worthy
Of being presented to you...
A song I wrote over almost 4 years ago now. Back when I was the singer for the band Begging the Question.
Laugh if you want at the failure and the raw, unpolished adolescent sound of my band, but we were all 16 or younger. We were all in love with music. We had a guy who could hit drums really hard, a guy who could pluck those bass strings like nobody's business, a guy who could shred on his guitar, and me... a guy with a lot of anger issues and an untrained voice.
I read back on my lyrics from those times, even further back to my band in middle school Heroes With Helmets (sorry, no link), and I laugh. I see the unnecessary anger, the callous thoughts, the suicidal tendencies, the faulty rhetoric. I see displacement, heartbreak, a lack of understanding.
But I look back at this song and see something more. I see words that I wrote 4 years ago that still resonate with me today. A song about how I write. A song about the conflict I have with happiness. I feel like a poet should be dark, inspired by sorrow and pain. So when I am in that place in my life, I feel ultimately creative. This is true too. The Defining Phrase was a story I was churning out and has become harder to write as I have gotten happier.
So the other side of my conflict is when I reach that happiness. The inspiration died so my style is cramped, but now I'm no longer trapped. The realization that with happiness comes a loss of motivation and inspiration. I've always been propelled by that "chip on my shoulder" mentality. It's why Steve Young is my favorite football player. He always had something to prove. I have that underdog fever. I want to prove people wrong, make people wish they never bet against me. I thrive on a perceived failure and turn it into success, but when I feel that success I cower away and don't know what to do with it. I start to fear ridicule even when 80% of what I receive is praise. It's times like that I wish I was out of the atmosphere knowing truly sincere, the stars would never mock me.
And when it comes down to it. Who do I write for? I love my readers, my friends, my family... but I write for me. And that person I am trying to impress at the end? That's me. I strive to find my creative outlet somewhere buried in my happiness... that way I will finally stop sabotaging my happiness to find creativity.
So now you know where I get the title of my blog. | | Tags: writing, happiness, inspiration, motivation, music, band, lyrics |
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| | Storybook Drama |
My epic love story has garnered more interest than I thought it would. This is pretty much the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me. People actually eager to read something I write, it makes me so unbearably happy I can't even explain.
I keep thinking that I can churn out parts of this story in the few free moments I have during the day, but I always stop myself because I want to give this story it's due attention. I want to write it well and get the correct details.
So I apologize. I've written nothing the last two nights because I've had class and bills to pay and tests to take. After tonight no class till Saturday. I want to try to get out the next three chapters before then. The story will have 10 chapters I think. I'm not sure yet though, I've kind of been playing that all by ear. I've never had a story in my head that I haven't tried to plan and outline. This is so exhilarating.
Oh, and the attention (both positive and negative) is ridiculous. I had a youtube channel that reviews their picks of favorite youtube videos email me yesterday about this whole situation and asking me to submit a video to them. I love how drama always gathers interest.
Part 5 will be up tonight, I will inject myself with heroin to stay awake if I have to!
haha... no, not really. I'll just drink a mountain dew or something.
Alright, back to work! As always, thank you to all who read my dramatic life stories and outlandish opinions! | | Tags: happiness, story, writing, attention, drama, romance, life |
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| | My Bliss |
People have been telling me for years to take a step back and just enjoy things for once. To stop thinking about a year from now or 5 years from now and just enjoy today.
I guess I finally see what everyone was talking about.
Things have been crazy since I turned 20, thats the understatement of the year. But since that point in my life, I have been living like I always should have. Taking everything a day at a time, not stressing so much, having fun, and taking more time to myself.
So I sit here now, I've been unemployed for over a month now, I've been all over the state in the last month and had all my plans go wrong and ended up back where I started...
And I couldn't be happier.
I'm scared because I think I'm actually starting to like it here.
And I think I know why I like it. There isn't any pressure on me here, just like how it was in San Diego. Sure, I have to work and take a few classes, but I don't know many people up here anymore just like in San Diego. I think that while I was stressing myself out before with work and school, I was pushing myself over the edge by never taking any time to myself.
But during my month in Southern California and now, I've done all the same things I always do: work, organize, figure out my situation, go to school, hang out with people, etc. The only difference is that I've also taken time to myself to read, exercise, play video games, watch TV, write, play music, etc. I can't even believe how enriched I feel just to be able to explore my passions and unwind from everything I do.
Have I lost the motivation and drive I used to have? Absolutely not. Have I chilled out and slowed down a bit? Yes.
I've gotten to the point where I will be driving and a smile will come to my face naturally. That is unbelievable. I don't have a girlfriend, I don't hang out with people every day, I'm not out saving the world or anything... but I'm still happy.
For the first time in my life, I'm just happy with who I am and what I do. I don't worry about what people are thinking about me or if they are going to call me back, I just let it roll and enjoy whatever is going on.
Now this is bliss. | | Tags: personal, happiness, life |
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| | A New Leaf |
So what the hell?
What.
The.
Hell.
I don't get it. I had 6 shitty months sprinkled with a few good moments. I came into May knowing that things in my life were still great, but I didn't really feel happy about anything.
But now? I'm honestly waiting for it all to fall because life is moving really fast and things are going really well. I'm even missing the road blocks. Nothing can really get in the way anymore. At least not now.
And you know what?
It's great. It's amazing. It's hard to believe.
Ask me about any aspect of my life and I will give you a positive answer. I have a splitting headache right now and I don't care. I've been questioning karma for months now... for years even, and am I really supposed to believe that it all has come back to me at once?
All this happiness is great and all, but the only side effect of me being happy is that I lose my inspiration to write. I get writer's block when I'm happy. So... I don't have any poetic rhetoric or fancy rants in my head.
So I guess while I wait for inspiration, I'll actually write blogs that people can be interested in. You know, like recommending music and other things like that, reviewing albums and movies, fun stuff like that.
Yea, that sounds good. Because this blog is crap and I can't even bear to type anymore of this. | | Tags: happiness, inspiration, movies, albums, blogs |
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| | Happiness is a Warm Gun... |
I think we all hope to be on this wavelength with the world. I think we like to believe that the world and everyone else follow suit with what we are feeling.
We like to believe that when we are depressed the world will be there to console us. We like to believe that when we are happy, the world will be there to jump for joy with us. We like to believe that we are parallel with the world.
But unfortunately, we are perpendicular.
WAIT! Did I really just use a mathematical metaphor in my writing? What has become of me!? Damn me and my love for economics.
Anyway, it makes things frustrating. I think it would be safe to say that I am a people pleaser. So when I'm down, a lot of the time I don't try to make myself better, but take pleasure out of making others feel better and bringing them up. I guess all of that is a combination of how much I love the people I care about and how much I hate to come to terms with my own issues sometimes.
The most discouraging thing about this perpendicular relationship with the world is that when I'm happy, everyone else around me seems melancholy, aggravated, and disturbed. I feel like I am willing to celebrate the happiness of others and suck up my own personal issues and be happy for them most of the time... but when I'm happy? How dare I. How dare I fire that gun and celebrate a good run in my own life.
I've been trying to adopt a more selfless, giving, and positive way of life lately. But is it too much to ask for someone to get excited with me about something good in my life?
I guess personal happiness is just that, personal. And I'm not going to let it get me down or change me or anything, but it's a bit frustrating.
I love you all, I really do. But get yourselves up and be happy. Believe me, I sulked for most of the last year. It doesn't do anything but dig you further into your hole. Don't get discouraged and jealous of other people's happiness and success, use it as an inspiration to achieve your own.
And that's all I have to say about that. | | Tags: happiness, gun, frustration |
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