A woman came into my life. She was not typical. She was not average. She wasn't even in the same demographic.
She came into me vibrant and full of life teaching me wisdoms and showing me compassion. Understanding me more than any woman ever has. She gets me, she sees through me, and without fully knowing me, she knew me.
A profound thing happened to me yesterday. One of the most powerful moments of my life and it is something I will never forget until the day that I am dead.
This is my story about Catherine.
A few years back, our drummer Robby met a girl. He moved in with her and started working with her at a place in Corona Del Mar California. While working there he met a woman named Catherine and they became very close.
Robby's relationship with the girlfriend dissolved and Robby moved in with Catherine.
You may think you know where this is going, but this is going to throw you for a loop.
Catherine is in her 50's. She's a demanding woman, she is full of knowledge and she is beautiful with the soul of a 5 year old and the grace of Catherine Hepburn ironically.
She came into every member of the bands life in one way and this is how she impacted mine.
Over the course of the last few years of knowing Catherine, she became a mom to our band and a best friend to us. She was at every show and if you saw us on our tour with Kaddisfly and Bedlight For Blue Eyes, you saw Catherine.
She was a woman who has had millions of dollars and after her divorce, nothing. Shes seen the world, experienced things you and I will one day wish we get to experience.
While knowing and loving Catherine, we came to expect nothing but love and support from her however she was always surprising us in the most selfless of ways. Catherine WAS wealthy. When her husband divorced her, he took everything and left her with nothing, not even a phone call. However, Catherine always managed to give us all money before tour as gifts and has loaned us, which now we will never be able to repay, and knowing her she wouldnt let us anyway, but she gave us a few thousand dollars when we broke down on tour, to make repairs.
She never asked us for anything in return until the Kaddisfly tour. She asked us if we could take her with us on tour and im going to get back to this tour in a second.
When we got signed and were heading to record our album LUNA, she was right there supporting the band with everything she had.
We found out that Catherine was diagnosed with Cancer. We werent sure exactly how bad it was but Cancer is never good. My mother has it, my grandmother passed away from it and over the course of my young short life, I have lost alot of people to alot of things from suicide, drug overdose to cancer. None of them fair, none of them right.
When my grandmothers passed away I didnt cry. I dont know if it was because I was numb from my experience with my brother in Irag (suicide bombing). Thats another story coming soon.
We didnt know how serious her condition was, so when we got back from making the album, Robby started taking her to the doctor for check ups. Check ups turned into chemo and chemo turned into getting injections that cost around $10,000k each. This was over the course of a year that things just progressively got worse.
I remember scrambling all my contacts to find a doctor who could help her. She would tell us she was fine, and they found something for her even the story I was getting from Robby was that she was terminal. She lost all her hair and her weight was bouncing back and forth but she looked really healthy.
That was probably because the cancer was inside her lungs. Her fear was dying without being able to breath. They removed part of the tumor in her lungs and that removed some of her ability to breath. She refused to remove anymore tumors from her lungs out of fear.
Her skin was soft, her hair was a nice shiny silver that accompanied her age respectfully. She looked really good from the outside, but on the inside, this cancer was destroying her. Its truly amazing how fast someone can deteriorate and it reminds me how fragile we are as people.
She was told she had a few weeks to live and nothing made her lose her pep. Not even the news of the inevitable. It was seriously one of the most inspiring things I have ever experienced in my life. To know that your going to die, and nothing can phase you.
To protect us, she would tell us she wasnt in pain at all, she would tell us she was going to make it and that they kept finding all these positive treatments for her and because maybe I was gullible and I believed her hook line and sinker. I took it all.
She wanted to tour with us.
We told her that we were going to make her experience what we go through. Your label will never know what its like to be on the road in the van because each experience is unique. Your fans dont really know, your parents dont know. Only YOU know because your living in that van, sleeping on the floor, you setting up and tearing down each night. Your the one wondering how your bills are going to get paid all because you just love something so much to continue doing it every night. For us, thats making music for the kids who still believe in true sincere music from honest genuine people. Maybe thats why Catherine came into our lives? She is one of the most pure honest and genuine people I have ever met. Maybe thats why it was so fitting.
So she came out on tour and got everything we told her she would. The floors, the smelly boys, the long drives, the high fives, the whole nine. She fell in love with the bands we were on tour with and shared her wisdom and love with them. Everyone who met Catherine fell in love with her. How could you not. Something so pure only comes along very rarely in our lives and when you find it, embrace it, it never lasts. Its much like a shooting star.
After the tour she continued on with good health and we hit the road once again, but this time without her.
When we came home, we found out that Catherine was more terminal then ever and Robby was making plans for her. She was to go to a hospice, and she would pass slowly.
Robby and Catherine moved out of their place and we had just finished our tour in Japan and Hawaii and she was on my mind and heart so heavy.
I arrived back from Hawaii and we prepared for the tour we are on now and by fate she was in Portland in a hospice. We packed our stuff to fulfill our first 2 tour dates and then drove straight to Portland to see her before having to rush to Seattle that night for our show. We showed up and completely surprised her and trust me, if you know Catherine, you know this is not easy. She is almost all knowing... very much omnipresent ha.
Catherine wasnt breathing well, and there were moments, like when we all stood to take a picture that she was gasping needing her machine that provided her with pure oxygen. She was incredibly excited to see us and the look of her happiness was like a little girl during christmas. My heart felt this strange conflict of pain and happiness for her. I welled up heavily and had to leave several times. I have been her before in this moment with someone but something about this experience was new to me.
I sat with her for most of the time and looked at her, a much more frail person than the one I saw just a month ago. The cancer was changing her appearance and destroying her.
We sat at the table and something very profound happened to me internally, much the same, is why I make music. LET IT BE came on the radio right as she was telling us that she is refusing resuscitation, refusing adrenaline and anything to keep her alive. She has waved all of that to just die. As the song played I could not hear anything more because my fears were more confirmed now than ever. Catherine is going to die very very soon and I am crushed beyond all belief. She spoke about passing as if she was going to the grocery store, with the same casual manner.
I ran outside and completely released in front of their neighbor who probably had no idea what was wrong with me and I battled my emotions and feelings. I remember once my grandmother telling me, as we spread my grandfathers ashes that "we cry for ourselves. We cry because in nature, humans are selfish, and we dont know how to let people go. We want them to be around forever"
That is why I never cried for her, or my other grandmother. Not because I wasnt hurt, but because she spoke truth and I adapted to learn how to let go. This is a really unique quality that very few people have and I was blessed with it. I have a defense system that allows me to not feel jealousy, or much pain in almost any situation.
Like i said before tho, there are very few pure moments in life, and this was one, and it cut deep.
I collected myself as Robby came out and held me while I cried, he was strong because he has already cried his heart out and this time was my moment. To feel that this is bullshit, and this is unfair, its wrong. How can there be no cure, how can this be ok. How can this be right.
My faith in God will never waver, and it has never. That is the special thing about real faith. I dont need a church to know faith. For people who base their life only on things like a rock is a rock, its scientific fact, they will never understand the true essence of faith and God Bless them for that. Nothing wrong with that, but there is something that is special about believing with your eyes closed because you feel and know it in your heart to be true. Its not something your taught, its not something you should be forced to feel, its something that you find... on your own with your heart.
We came inside and played acoustically for her and she cried out the last tears she had in her dehydrated body. It broke me incredibly. Like I have never been broke before. This was the last time I would ever sing to Catherine, and I could not look her in the eyes or else my already breaking up voice would become inaudible.
I couldnt eat even though her family provided an incredible spread of food for us. My stomach was in knots. I knew this would be my personal last moments with Catherine and I was not ok with that.
I held her for a very long time crying on her shoulder thanking her for coming into my life. It hurt tremendously and hurts more as I type this from the back of the van, driving, further and further away from her, feeling like I would give anything to be with her but I know that my heart could not handle that or maybe I dont want to be that vulnerable. Maybe im really afraid of completely feeling it take me over. Much like I have always questioned people, when i did go to church. They throw their hands up and sing eyes closed with all their soul and I always felt weird that I never felt compelled to do that. I thought it was fake. Now, I realize that for some people its very real. They are compelled because they have allowed their faith to take them completely, however I dont know if I have ever let anything take me completely but this moment came close.
She cried as we drove away and it broke me a little more. We were told we probably wouldnt make our show and by the grace of god we got to the venue right as 1997 finished and there was a good amount of kids with a puzzled look on their faces wondering if we would even make it and when they saw us, some started screaming and yelling for us. We were rushed and set up and during that set up. Jimmy Eat Worlds "CLARITY" album was playing. I was just given the vinyl album 3 days prior however that album changed my life when I first heard it in 1999. Its my all time favorite record and to have it playing was more than a coincidence for me.
It was once again a moment of feeling like there was a hand on me, comforting me and letting me know that things are going to be ok.
The crowd was phenomenal and at one point crying during Where Do You Go that we played acoustically. It was a very powerful moment for me and I am sure for them.
I will never see Catherine again, and during this tour, there is going to be a moment when she passes, and its inevitable now. There are no more miracles, or medications that will remove the cancer. Only ones to dull the pain.
I have often felt like I could die tomorrow and I would be ok with it. I have learned to let go of all of my fears in that however I am very vulnerable when it comes to people who are as pure as Catherine and especially children. We dont really feel bad for people who lead shitty lives. Its almost like, they deserve it? Altho, no one really deserves death in a sense, its more like, you just dont feel as bad.
I guess i really dont know how I was planning to end this. I dont even think there is a right ending to this. I hope this story touched you and maybe inspired some feelings from personal experiences you have gone through.
When you get a chance, listen to the song Let It Be for Catherine, as she is in a sense, Letting It Be.
I am going thru an array of feelings right now. We are about to head out on tour and there is so much going on internally with us. Nothing bad, like, we hate each other or anything. Were all best friends, always will be. However. Certain feelings have come up about wanting to pursue a life that doesn't involve touring, and struggling on the road. When you have done it for years and years you start to feel like its repetitious and its not the easiest thing to always keep your passion; your passion.
Yesterday, I found out that our very close friend, who is essentially a mom to everyone in our band, Catherine, is about to pass away. I mentioned this before in blogs and for some of you who came out to our tour with Bedlight & Kaddisfly, remember who she is. She has essentially single handedly been one of the best things to ever happen to this band, and we watched her go from incredible health and long hair to chemo and nothing at all and through all of this, we were told she would make it and now we know that sadly, she wont.
I just wrote Kaddisfly and Bedlight to let them know and as im writing this i feel very emotional and tear driven. I hate losing people and I know that her pain will be gone but I cant help but feel like somethings, sometimes are just so incredibly fucked up. This lady asked us to bring her out on tour with her and that it would "make her life". We told her straight up, to not expect a lavish lifestyle, were gonna sleep on floors some nights and do it the real way, that real bands have to do it, and if your in, your in. She never complained once. This coming from a woman who never had kids, was married and had millions and left everything behind for a simple life. Now she is leaving the world behind and in my heart and mind, I feel content knowing that when she said " I have never felt more alive, then touring with you guys", she meant it.
Now, im getting ready to head out on the road and honestly, my heart is just not in it right now. I dont blame some of the guys for being emotionally traumatized in this, especially Robby our drummer, who lived with her and for the past year put his life on the back burner to take her to chemo, to deal with her treatments, and the emotional roller coaster of knowing whether she would live our die and now knowing the inevitable.
Its very, very painful for me and the guys right now.
As some of you know, Nathan our bass player, has chosen after his acl tear, that he was going to look at getting married and settling down with his woman, who he is in love with. His did however finish Japan and Hawaii with us even tho he had to drop off that last radio tour. We havent decided who will take that spot or what collectively everyone will feel after this tour. I think right now, matters of the heart are taking more importance than matters of playing all over the country right now. You will still see us on this tour, we will probably be playing without a bass player, and to backing bass tracks and the ironic part is i just went on a rant about dudes who dont play their instruments and get up and fake it. Well, we wont be faking it, but we will have an invisible bassist more than likely, if not be surprised. Funny how the irony of it all works out.
We have another single to come out, and a video for that and have been discussing the next record. I have been writing so much my head wants to explode lately and Im overwhelmed with life, the loss of it to come, and things in life, like:
1. What does it all mean
2. What is really most important for us an individuals
3. Should we just start a screamo dance techno band... (i hope you know im seriously joking)
I hope this blog doesnt freak out anyone or anything, i just dont dig psychologists and I dont know how to express myself when I have anxiety other than writing. I already threw up today and my stomach still hasnt settled.
Thanks for always listening to the few out there who actually care and when you see us on this next tour, were really going to need some hugs, its been a rough year for us with people passing, touring non stop with no breaks and everything else that this industry brings.
This is a blog entry about passion. Its a nice little story to brighten your day and remind you of how good it feels to do what you love or encourage you to get out there and get yours.
Have you ever ran into someone you haven't seen in year that had a major impact in your life, or turned down a street that brought back powerful memories of your struggle in life.
That happened to me today. I was driving around checking out all the fish stores in the areas since my tank was acting funny. I was tired as hell. I had run errands all day and sat in the worst southern california traffic ever and I just wanted to go back to my house and lay down in bed and go back to sleep.
I turned down a road that had major significance in my being in California still, as well as my career in music.
This place was called The Executive Suites however, it was far and away from being "Executive".
When I first moved to California, I was living on the floor of my friend Josh's house. He was a vegan straight edge friend of mine, very awesome guy. I was not vegan, nor straight edge but I totally respected his lifestyle and his home. I had nothing but clothing and was waiting for my car to be shipped to California from Hawaii. Josh had a small refrigerator and it was filled with everything vegan. I remember telling him that even tho he did not ask me, I would never bring meat into tho house but if it were cool, I would like to put cheese in the fridge. Of course he was cool with it, he didnt want me to be inconvenienced and I didnt wanna do the same to him. My diet consisted of top ramen and cheese mustard sandwiches and not because it was the only thing allowed, but it was seriously all i could afford. After 6 months on a floor, the guys (my band) were slowly trickling in from Hawaii (where we are from). We were finally on our own, and since our families were/are poor, we didnt have anything like a nest egg, or renters history or anything to help us out. We had no families in Souther California, and that meant we had no where to stay. All we had was our guitars, our clothing, a bunch of Hawaiian candies and top ramen.
We spent every day looking for someone to give us a chance to rent but we kept getting turned away every time and what sucked more was spending $25 bucks every time for your credit checks. None of the people renting would allow you to use the last one you took, so they continuously took your money and ran. Lame.
Well, we soon figured that we had run out of options. We saw this place in Westminster called "The Executive Suites"
It was owned by a really sketchy vietnamese dude who said we could live there weekly for like $150.00. It was a little over $20 a day which for us was like $4 per person. Super good deal right. Well, we started to notice why it was $20 per day.
At night, we had crack heads and dealer below us on the 1st floor doing deals. It was an enclosed 2 story motel and obviously, there was no pool or amenities, so there really was no reason to go outside unless you need some crack.
Our bedroom was a tiny small hotel room equipped with an executive 22 inch tv with channels 1-13, an executive couch that folds out to a bed, an executive bed that later was discovered to have blood soaked into its mattress (yeah, im serious) and an executive shower tub thing that rarely had hot water. 5 people lives in this room. It was our home for quite some time. We still went out attacking the apartment complexes to rent to us, because every night we had new crazy stories about living there. It honestly got to a point where we got so stir crazy that we would drink to get drunk and myself as well as another guy in the band started sniffing vicodin and getting into stuff because we felt like we were going crazy.
We werent eating right, we didnt know anyone in this new world we had just entered. No one would give our band shows unless we would sell 100 tickets. We didnt know 5 people so how were we going to sell 100 tickets. We had entered a world that we were not prepared for.
We went from being BIG FISH in our hometown to crossing an ocean and finding ourselves a microscopic organism in the grand scheme of things.
We knew we had to hustle because we loved music, we loved each other and our dream. We stopped messing around with sniffing and smoking things and started focusing more on getting jobs, going to shows to meet people and setting up our base so that we could start pursuing this full time.
That one turn down that street brought up so many memories and trust me, some i shouldnt write about and some too long to write in this one particular blog but it reminded me of the things that we all go through in life some very good and some very bad to get to where we are going and how those experiences are actually very fundamental to the process.
If it werent for the experiences like The Executive Suites (and the many more im soon to start writing about) and the passion that it took to keep going rather than throw in the towel and go home, it wouldnt feel as good as it does now.
I can proudly say that I have played music that I make with my best friends for an insane amount of people all over the world from the bottom of Mexico to the top of Alaska, from the farthest coast east all the way to the west, from Japan to Canada and more.
All of this made possible by faith in what we set out to do, passion in the music we were creating, loyalty to one another and integrity to always remember that we make music because we love it and we love the people who love music. Never because of money, never because of the hopes of fame, never for the wrong reasons, always for the right ones.
If my band ended tomorrow, I have absolutely no regrets, I would have not 1 single bad feeling that we didnt accomplish what we set out for and more than what we ever intended. I would sit back and look at things like the executive suites, the bloody mattress, the crack heads and more and once again, this is one incident in the MANY crazy stories i have, but I would sit back and smile and be like... "man, we did it. We did it together as friends. Everything 100% organic. No fake hype, no flash in the pan fans. We made incredible bonds with people along the way, we got to see the world and we can walk away without saying things like "we quit, or were calling it a day, or we broke up". We can walk away knowing we did what we set out to do and music will never end in us just because we no longer creating it on the same platform we once used to"
I guess what I am saying is:
Live your life with complete and extreme passion. Love without fear, move forward without hesitation. Never chase money, money was never intended to be caught. When you do what you love, the money will come to you, because your not requiring it to continue. Its really strange that the things in life you think you need are the things you actually need less of. The things you want are generally never what you end up feeling fulfilled by in the end. Also, and I quote. "To Thyne Own Self Be True" If you are true to your passion it will ALWAYS be true to you. Now to end this with some lyrics my dad used to sing to me that will ring forever true...
"You can't always get what you want, But if you try sometimes you might find, You get what you need" - The Rolling Stones... and boy... or girl... aint that the truth!
As we are heading home from being on the road for 5 months. We celebrated in New Mexico by having a few drinks with some friends. We were shaking off everything that life has thrown us in the last 5 months, but more so, everything life has given us as well. We have deff "been there, done that" since releasing our record LUNA. We toured Canada with Saosin & Poison the Well and while there, our van burst into flames with us in it. We did several trips to Alaska & Hawaii, tour the beautiful US of A multiple times. Watched our bus break on us almost everyday, said screw that for safety reasons and bought a brand new 15 passenger van so we wouldnt have to worry about breakdowns anymore, unless it was the ones we were making on stage "throw in scenester guitar throw of your head move" kidding of course, but hey, had to do it.
Well while having our drinks and reflecting, the scene from SNL came on about more cowbell. Priceless, such a great scene, and song. Shortly after my boy Brett Farve was shown cleaning out his locker. Very emotional for me because that guy is like an idol to me. He is a man of true character. Played the day his father past away and won the game. A true man of passion in life for his family, for his sport, for his fans and his team. Everything I admire and aspire to one day be. We go through our lives worrying about all these bullshit trivial things and I think we find ourselves not realizing that we are focusing to hard inward, and not enough outward. I see it in so many aspects of life, i even see it in me, and I think thats a good start. When you can notice things that are bullshit so you can start changing who you are or how you look at things.
Im a part of a music "scene" if you will but our band is in the world thats a weird parallel and i dont know how it works or why and most of the time i dont question it. Some days we are on a stage with total radio butt rock bands like Evansblue and Red with a punk rock headliner like Joan Jett, some days were on a stage with bands like Me First and The Gimme Gimmes, Saosin etc and others we play face to face for 30 kids stoked to be crammed into a small room.
All of these things put my soul into perspective when you feel appreciate by people from so many different demographics. I dont think our band will ever be on a "success" level of a Paramore, or a My Chemical Romance and were totally cool with that. I think when we found ourselves wanting that kind of success we forgot that we had success in eachother, in our friends, fans and we ran back to what is real to us. If i can get on a stage everynight, regardless of how many kids, and play with the same integrity of a Jimmy Eat World or a local band who drives 8 hours to play a show and doesnt get paid, then i think i feel successful.
I dont know how this rant started but were finishing up 5 months, there is alot more on my chest, were about to head to Japan, then Hawaii...after that South America and a full US tour in Aug/Sept. I am grateful for the little things life brings me... I am stoked that life always wants some more cowbell. I love Brett Farve, ill miss him. I dont know what else to say except I cant wait to kiss the hell out of my dogs, crawl into my own bed tomorrow, hug my friends, play a lil xbox 360, eat a nice leafy green salad and not hear music for awhile. Especially screamo.
Anton, if your wondering if this was that long Iraq/Life blog, its not, that ones coming. That blog ive been writing for the last month, its not a month long, its just, making sure my wording is right because its some emotional stuff etc. Love you guys xo
I wrote this for an interview just now. When your done reading my answer, leave me a comment telling me about something that changed your life....good or bad.
"What's the one thing that changed your life completely, how did it affect you and why did it change your life?"
For better or for worse this thing called music has changed my ENTIRE life. It led me in, seduced me, captivated me and then controlled every ounce of my being. It is responsible for all the heart breaks I received and for EVERYONE I dished out. I always chose music over my gf's. It made me believe that going to college was a waste of time and that my scholarship was worthless compared to a life of creating a sonically recorded lyric or sound that would be more then not, stolen or given away for free rather than bought. It told me...."I will give you all the things you desire for the most part but in return, I want your time, your energy, ALL of your money, your loyalty and always your soul and honesty."
So I gave in. I would break up with girlfriends I loved very much sometimes just because I knew it would hurt me bad enough to write a better song. I would go on tour long enough to where I would miss my friends terribly, my dogs incredibly, and my loved ones (gf's (at the time), family) endlessly. I lived off of top ramen and drank lots of tap water and searched tirelessly for that "fix" that music gives you when you step on a stage and see people singing back at you, sometimes with tears in their eyes because simply, "THEY KNOW". They know exactly what I went through and what im going through right now. They know because they go to school everyday and they hate it. They go to work and want to shoot someone sometimes. They know that the one thing that prevents them from doing all of that, is music.
That feeling you get when the first 5 seconds of the song sends your body into complete euphoria, quite like the feeling im getting as I write this because it takes me immediately back to that moment when I heard Jimmy Eat World's CLARITY, and the riff started on "For me this is heaven" and I KNEW, that love was possible long past the heart break I had just went through a month previous, and my heart was renewed and I wept tears of joy like a little girl. Or the moment when AFI released Black Sails into the Sunset and the bass line with guitar feed back came in to the song "Exsanguination" and Davey Havok screams "yeah" but later in the song he exclaims "Just stumble and fall into a world that's over crowded. And you will find me. Won't recognize me; and I won't recognize myself. " and I once again knew that I was changing as a person and this song was reinforcing that change and music accepted who i was to become in that process.
With all that said....music has continuously brought me to some of the most remote regions of this planet from the most snow covered parts of Alaska, to the beaches of southern Mexico into the ghettos of New Jersey. Its constantly showing me the world, but not just the physical and material aspects of the world, but the inner workings as well. It has shown me new cultures, new lives, it has shown me death and made me appreciate that coming and going of the tide of the world. For everything you take, there is something you must give and put back to complete the balance. It has brought incredible new people into my life that I know will always be apart of my life even when im long and gone. Whether they were friends or fans, they mean everything to me, even on days when I may not be able to show it back to them. Music has also brought a lot of creepy smelly people into my life as well. So with everything, there is another side you must appreciate and enjoy.
In the end, when I gave my physical and emotional life here on earth to music, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. Ive sat back on days and thought, what the hell am I doing. This thing "music" has made me miss my nephews first steps, my cousins wedding, my dads retirement, my loved ones birthdays, funerals of close friends that passed away and so much more. Why am I still giving in, why am I still putting myself through this. WHY!?
I know why now. Music has saved my life and I have found my place in music and through it, I have been blessed to make that very same music that is now saving other peoples lives. I know what I do is not for everyone, not everyone will appreciate what's dear to me, but thats ok, because I do and there are other bands for people who do not appreciate what I do so im ok with that as well. Im now responsible for creating honest and passionate soul felt music that helps people with their addictions, that mends heartbreaks *lil ap.net pun*, that gives hope for tomorrow and reminds others to live. I know that if I didn't have music when I needed it, I would have had silence, and that silence would made me feel like noone was listening when I was in the deepest depths of my soul and I had nothing else to turn to.
So here I am, writing an answer to a question that has been playing in my head ever since I heard those first clips of music that grabbed me and I have no clue where any of this will take me and to be honest. I really don't care anymore. I really don't have anymore expectations for what it is supposed to be like, or where its supposed to go. I don't care if it never makes it to MTV or mainstream radio. I don't care if I ever tour again (altho if I never did, I would miss all of you kids out there terribly! You are my heart)
All I care for now, is being happy and knowing that as long as the music I make, (and I say that metaphorically now, because the music I encourage everyone to make in their lives doesn't have to be the audio version. It could painting, it could be sports, or charity or whatever your heart desires. When you make it tho, your music that is, Make it honestly, make it passionately and do it because you love it)....k that was a tangent, so back to "as long as the music I make".... Means something to me, and when you hear or see it, it means something to you. That's all I need.
So there it is. Music, the most devastating yet awe inspiring thing that ever happened to me (until I have my first child, or get married.....maybe) =)