So, anyone who reads my blog knows that I had a tangled trainwreck of a Crush in late '08, ending in me getting rejected. It took me a while to get back on my feet, but I did it. A friend told me 2 people that like (that term feels really immature, but I don't know what else to say) me, and I've been thinking a lot. Option 1 has friends that literally hate my guts, it's pretty unbelievable. Problem is that she was the really cute one, the one I'd talked to, and the one I liked over the summer. Option 2 I don't know as well, she's not as cute, but she's a lot funnier. I've been weighing options and thinking over scenarios in my head. All of them seem tarnished by my terrible history with "dating" (it was middle school, can I even call it that?).
Here's a rundown, I won't use names:
1. 6th Grade, very ugly, 2 weeks in said she loved me and that when we're older we should get married. I break it off.
2. 6th Grade, very pretty, girl I liked for a while, we date for a week or two, she's breaks it off.
3. 7th Grade, girl I dated for around 8 months, around 6 she kind of alienated me, ignored me, I broke it off. We're good friends now.
4. Summer between 7th/8th, Girl I'd liked for a while, hot, funny, we date for a week, breaks up with me in an e-mail, we talk a lot at camp, now we're good friends.
5. Summer/8th Grade, girl I met at camp, lived in my town, went to different school, first kiss, we date "seriously" for 3 or 4 months, one of my camp friends tells her I want to feel her up, I didn't say it, she gets pissed, we break up in a phone call on the bus to the airport on the washington trip.
6. 8th Grade, rebound girl, went on 2 dates, her friend calls and breaks up with me for her
7. 8th Grade, Girl I really liked, hot, fun, we went out once, was exceedinly awkward, I broke up with her
8. 8th Grade, Girl I kinda liked, wasn't that hot, were "dating" for a month, we go out, she randomly breaks it off
9. 8th Grade, Girl I barely new, go on one date, it was fine, go back, get into a huge fight on AIM, break up (mutual)
10. 8th Grade, Girl I dated for a total of probably 8 months. We see eachother a few times, we make out, feel-up, her parents see an AIM conversation we had, they flip a shit, say I'm forbidden to talk to her or see her, we continue secretly talking, finally get to see eachother, go on a few more dates, her friend lies and says I cheated on her (which I most definitely did not), she breaks up with me in a Voicemail message. We get back together, she goes to camp, I don't. She cheats, sends a letter breaking up with me.
I was single all last year. Any sort of advice or anything would be helpful.
Well, that mutual friend I mentioned in the last blog talked to her, and it was pretty clear to her that there was no real interest, even though that friend still wants me to push for it. She seemed to take it harder than I did, which was weird. It didn't really even phase me. That worries me to a certain extent because I used to be this outwardly emotional and honest person, and for whatever reason it didn't happen this time. Maybe I took the rejection harder than I thought, or maybe I'm looking for an answer where there shouldn't be a question. It almost feels weird being okay with this, but I'm glad that I didn't take it hard.
Almost a month after a near mental breakdown due to a rejection, I'm back on my feet, and ready to play the game again. Even though it feels like a very short time after to me, I've accepted the fact that there was never anything there (A funny side note, one of my friends asked her out last week, got shut the fuck down, another one of my friends is probably gonna do it also, I put my money on him from the beginning, even over me, this kids got a shot) and I'm better from it. I probably won't fall that hard again, and I almost certainly won't get in so goddamn deep. I spent almost the entire day texting a mutual friend of a new girl that I'm thinking about. Maybe there will be something there, maybe there won't be, but I'm not going to be as vulnerable this time around.
As far as reviews go, I'm working on Russian Circles, Past Lives, Mogwai, Fucked Up, Johnny Foreigner, and one for Weezer's Pinkerton which is one of my favorite records of all time.
Sure, it's a week after she said no, and sure, I still try to avoid her at all costs, and sure, I still freak out at the prospect of talking to her. When she said hi to me yesterday, I was left speechless, but somehow mumbled out a slightly less than coherent reply. But, to be honest, I'm doing great. I've almost let the entire thing go, and she seems to just pretend that nothing ever happened, which might be for the best. I also got the new Right Away, Great Captain! record in the mail today along with the new Johnny Foreigner and The Seabellies. I have yet to listen to them, but I have really great expectations for the first two, don't really know what to expect from the third. Overall, I may be doing better than I was before.
Aside from the fact that I started off this week borderline depressed, it's been a pretty okay week. My pre-orders didn't arrive, but I can live with that. I have an interview with Thomas Dutton on Saturday, and I'll be sending off my questions to both Danger Radio and NEEDTOBREATHE tomorrow or Saturday. I was able to finish both of my articles and my Sociology paper on time. And tonight, for the first time in weeks or maybe months, I'm going to sleep before 11:30. Sure, it sounds lame, but I've been up until 1:30 or later every night this week, and I am excited to just sleep.
Saturday - Spent a lot of time at my friends house playing the new Spiderman game, it sounds lame, it is lame, we felt like losers, but goddamnit was it fun. After that we headed to the only place we ever go in our town, we kindly refer to as 'uptown' but it's really just a bunch of crappy stores grouped together. There's a Barnes and Noble, a whole foods, and wallgreens. We met our friend Emma and later met Irina. We hung out for a while, went to the Boy Scout run haunted house, then back to Emma's. I only had one decent opportunity to ask her out, and I didn't think there would be enough time. Goddamn.
Sunday - Went to lunch, played Madden, watch 'Raising The Bar' on demand. Watched 'House'. found out my dog likes Northstar because he was chillin' out to 'Broken Parachute EP' while we were watching house (did i just say chillin'?). Around 10 30 I sat down and was able to focus long enough to churn out three medium length reviews.
Nothing really special happened, except that I feel deeper into my self-induced lack of sanity.
It's one in the morning on Saturday, I'm sitting at my computer with a large list of personal and professional things I'd like to get done this week.
Ask out Irina
Write Forgive Durden review
Write Person L review
Decide whether to Write Anthallo/The Love Willows Reviews
If yes, write those reviews
E-mail FD's manager and lock down interview
If interviews get's set up, start to prepare
Finish typing up Kevin Devine Interview
Do all of my homework
Until the first one gets done, nothing besides the last one will. This situation is consuming my entire being. I have a lot of things to get done, but every time I try to put my focus on working, it turns into a secluded self-destructive thought session. I'm hoping that once I ask her out, the tortured thoughts will disappear and I'll be able to sit and think without putting my mental health on a platter for hungry dogs.
Even though it's been a shitty personal week, school and work wise it's all been pretty good. I've gotten some good stuff this week. As I get more acclimated with people and labels things will start to come easier, but the highbeam's small size makes some of these albums hard to get. In the last week though, I've gotten a few big releases through managers that I've worked with or new people. It's always exciting.
Hopefully that first paragraph will change into something positive and my personal world will be filled with happiness. At this point, I'm not even nervous anymore. I've thought about it so much that anything I would think of right before I asked would have already been over-analyzed to nothingness anyway. Razia's Shadow has really helped me this week. The storyline has given me something to think about and analyze besides my own life for a few hours, it's refreshing.
So if you read my previous blog, I was planning on asking out this beautiful girl that I've had a major crush on for a few weeks. I set the date for yesterday, and came to school amped up and prepared. I was going to do it before school, because that's the only time I've ever seen her sitting alone. When I walked past her locker, where she normally was, the only people were two of her friends. So I shrug and walk off a little discouraged. I postpone it until today and get on with my life. Today, the entire locker space was empty, so I again have had to postpone this again, she is almost always talking to one of her friends any other time I see her. Hopefully I'll be able to get it in tonight, but who the hell knows, with my luck, probably not.
Musical note: I just got the new Jeremy Larson album, and it's fantastic stuff. Definitely a good thing to pick up if you're a fan of Copeland or Lydia. I also just downlaoded the new This Town Needs Guns album, which is amazing. In the next week I expect to be getting This Providence/Forgive Durden from FBR for review.
cinematic sunrise's ep
The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me
entire alkaline trio collection
the wolftron album
the cure's greatest hits
war all the time
entire NFG collection
DIG LAZURUS DIG!!!