I'll fall asleep at a reasonable hour. And 1AM won't remind me of her. And I won't feel compelled to say "G'night! Sleep well and sweet dreams!" Eventually these habits will fade. Maybe somebody will fill the void, maybe not. But I've done a pretty good job at holding true to my New Year's Resolution thus far. Of course, this was my second time making that resolution but I feel better for it.
I'm less angry, less sarcastic. But things are getting to me more. I'm more sad, perhaps even a bit depressed. I've been talking about things in a serious manner with friends, admitting to certain things about myself. And y'know what? It feels fucking great. This is what it feels like to heal.
And in the meantime? I just need to keep repeating this in my head:
Don't look back at anger, it's just a memory
It's easy to forget your face
And it's easy to survive in this place
I just comb my hair and wash my face
Keep straight ahead and keep my pace
Just think about nothing, I might never be alright
Well I got my friends, I got my pen
Got a million distractions to keep me warm
And I know that I'll be alright
I love that feeling. When you hear a song and it hits. Hard. Right in the heart, right in the gut. That twinge. A subtle heartache, blended with full-blown nostalgia. It feels like shit. But it feels great to feel less alone for a three minutes and eight seconds. I know it's a contrived connection, an artificial substitue for something real. But it's a connection. And it feels great, no matter how temporary it may be...
We used to be in love. Now we can't talk anymore. We used to be in love. Now we don't know each other I'm happy for you and I'm not jealous at all But how I would love to tell you all about it now
Instead of typing up a review of the awesomeness that I experienced this weekend, I'm cleaning house. I burned a bridge two weeks back. Fully. And as such, it's time to box a few things up and start to move on. I can't look at the little things anymore. It was one thing when I was still holding on for hope, and another thing completely when we were "just friends."
But now that things are done for good? I should probably trash them. But that period of my life was way too important to end up in the trash. It was also more important to end things the way I did. But I was ready to push ahead with something new. Roles were reversed and she was the one holding onto the old.
Do I blame her? Not for holding on. But for holding back. And letting it all out when push came to shove led us both to say some regrettable things. I was dating somebody, I decided it was time to let her know. I had no idea her reaction would be so negative.
And now? That's ending. And I've lost a friend. There's a huge gap. But I was able to ignore it until tonight. Life was busy. Working 12-hour days, spending the weekend in 80-degree weather surrounded by music at all waking hours...Now I'm alone in my apartment, packing things up, dusting, and feeling the hole that should have been there all along.
This is it. Moving on. For real. Fuck, I'm redundant. But whatever. Most are lucky to go through "real" heartbreak early on. It's taken me a solid year and a half to get over my first "real" relationship. Three years. Late 22 to mid-26. I never said "I love you," but I did at one point. She was my best friend, a confidant, and one of my biggest believers.
But over the past year or so, it's been impossible for me to commit to another person fully. Even though I wanted to. I was concerned for her feelings, didn't want to lose the friendship. Classic mistake. Eventually, though, things came to a head and I was forced to face the facts. And her reaction was immature, yet expected. And my reaction to her reaction was stubborn. But it was levelheaded and honest.
I never lied to her. And I never would. People get hurt, people heal, and I'm sitting here crying. Not because I lost her, not because the relationship ended, but because there's a huge blank spot in my life that needs to be filled.
And because that was one chapter I never wanted to end. But now that it has? Maybe she can fall in love with somebody else. And maybe I can do the same. We both deserve it. It's hard to do that with the elephant sitting at the dinner table.
So, to anyone whose ever had to let something go? Do what's best. If it's right for you, you owe it to them to talk it out. They might not like it. And you might lose a friend. But everyone deserves to move on. Give them that chance. And just sit and wait, hoping that they cared enough in the first place to let you in again when they're ready.
I really hope she finds happiness. Lord knows she wasn't finding it with me hanging around. And it wasn't because I made her sad, but because we were both holding onto each other for dear life without really moving forward with our own, separate lives.
I meant for this to have more continuity and structure. Fuck it. "Post Blog Entry." Enough with the false starts.
My vacation wasn't anywhere near the break that I had been hoping for. There was some drama of the family sort. Nothing life-changing or epic, but bad enough that I left a day early. Alcohol is the worst. Especially when it results in words zinging at you. Words that burn like hell when they hit, despite the knowledge that they're not meant or even remotely truthful. Fucking alcohol.
At the end of the day? I'm sure we'll all be better off that this went down when it did. For the time being? I needed to get away from the situation, hole myself up in my apartment, crank up the A/C, and spin a few albums.
Which is exactly what I did. Well, that and I wound up going out on a "date." Fuck, those things are awkward. Even when they go decently? Awkward. But that's part of the fun. One of these days, though, that awkwardness will pay off. You know it's right when that awkward feeling feels welcome, and the normally tense moments aren't so much tense as they are anticipatory. When that happens? Shit's gonna be awesome. Until then? I'm just wasting time.
Don't ask just how we'll meet, or when that time will be,
But I'm convinced my life's a movie and good things will come this way eventually.
Because I'm releasing the good vibes on the stereo and it's shocking.
Oh, and that Warped Tour review? I managed to draft that sucker up as well. It needs one last run-through, then I'll post it. Bam. Back to work in the AM.
Got a package from Chunksaah! in the mail today. Finally picked up a copy of the first Loved Ones E.P. on vinyl and got my copy of the Bouncing Souls' 20th Anniversary Series: Volume One.
Have I expressed how much I love the Souls yet? If not, I should really get on that. I've seen them 30+ times at this point and they still manage to give me anxious butterflies just before they hit the stage. I lose my voice, I sweat, and I leave wanting to be a better person.
They're an inspiration that I'm happy to call a part of my life. But that's beside the point. I can't wait to spin this sucker after work tomorrow. I've already heard 3/4 of the tracks on here, but the title of "A Life Less Ordinary" intrigues me. I can't wait to listen.
...And sing-along when I see them on April 30th with the Loved Ones. HIGH-FIVE!
PS: Propagandhi and Less Than Jake were both in-town last night, with great openers in tow. Paint it Black/No Trigger and the Flatliners, respectively. I missed both shows. Why? I was working a Dropkick Murphy's Saint Patrick's Day show. I've never been more bummed out by Al Barr's receding hairline.
...I didn't actually see Al Barr's hairline as I didn't have a ticket to the show. But, whatever. It was a funny line.