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biodegrade:to decay and be absorbed by environment
|evolution of nothing
|I am no different from any other being in the world on this dreary Tuesday evening. Every thought, every worry, every concern that I might not live to my full potential in life lies dormant in the heads of people all around the universe. Young, old, rich and poor. I am not an individual. I am a member or a species. I am a member of a population. I do not evolve. Individuals do not evolve. Populations do. Species do.|
My eyelids are heavy with a fog that I am striving hard to fight, misting in the front of my skull and tugging ever so persistently on my lids. Heavy heavy heavy they weigh, pulling my conscience down with them.
I do not know which way is up these days. Everything is sloppy and soggy just like my feet are on the slushy sidewalk down to the parking lot.
My drive home is often filled with thoughts I cannot even describe. How would my immediate world react if I just kept on driving, driving past the green house with inviting odors and loving arms. Past the field so often clouded in mysterious frost so early in the morning, it's golden gray stalks swaying ever so slightly in the occasional breeze. Driving and driving, past the houses and to the highways to which I can never decipher, never navigate.
How would this world react? Would these people miss me? Would your next accident be on purpose? Or would you simply forget. Become more drawn into yourself, more cynical than you have become already.
Damn that accident. Damn that car and damn that road and damn that tree for nearly taking your life. Damn you for changing. Damn you for losing yourself, physically, mentally. You are not the same you- you are crude and rude and cynical and mean. Your jokes don't make us laugh, they make us cringe. Little do you know, you lose friend after friend with your cruel words, meant to provoke our laughter.
I miss the old you.
But maybe I am wrong. Maybe this door was meant to be shut a long time ago. I've just shut it up for good, and I can't be opening it again to peek into the cracks to see what could have happened, what you might have looked like. Because that is gone forever.
Who knows. Maybe you were destined to be this cruel.
Sometimes I see the hurt in your too blue eyes when I look at you sideways. They have lost their luster. I see the boy I used to lust after- the one I so longed to be with. They catch me off guard and I am reminded of what I used to love.
Too often, I am reminded of what I used to love, what I could have had and never will.
It is the evolution of nothing. We evolve emotionally, we change individually. Too often we do not recognize these faults until they are too late. Moments are too long past. People have grown. People have changed.
I hope that come spring this change might be for the better. No longer the evolution of nothing, because nothing is changing here.
Remind yourselves that you do not evolve. We do.
So to make this evolution complete, to run full circle and become more than an evolution of nothing we must seize the moments. Seize those beings in your lives. Make it two together, instead of one alone. Embrace the day and don't wait for something better to come along, because sometimes something better was that something you left behind a long time ago.
|Tags: evolution, behavior, love, change, journal, blog
|spill on aisle seventeen- clean up on aisle seventeen.
|what a mess i am in. what a mess what a mess i am in. |
it's good that it's out between us- maybe a little less awkward? maybe not.
all i know is that i've shut the door between you and i. you began knocking and i'm not going to answer no matter how hard you bang. it's done. the door is shut and bolted and locked. we both missed the starting gate, and the time has past. i'm sorry it had to be this way, but you're not you. you're not you you're not you you're just not the same.
and another behind those velvet curtains. what a mess what a mess what a mess. those funny looks and biting words. i don't understand what did i do to deserve this from you? it's just my job it's just my job it's just my job. some impressions stay. i don't want to remember you like this. don't leave me with this memory of yourself. go back to that night behind the curtain. to the time when you watched me kiss her on the lips pretending it was you. i want to feel that feeling again. this feels all wrong and messy and ugly and rotten.
too much about me and not enough about the rest of the world. think think think you promised to the world you'd make good to them now make it. no more time for these sleepless nights that poison your days.
i want so badly to be done here. to get out of this hopelessly small and segregated town.
i do not have support i need support where is my rock where is my hope? i can't quite express this weight that lies in my chest. overwhelming urge to sleep forever. yet i cannot sleep. hopeless sleepless forever nights. never ending never ever too too long.
i am swelling with a feeling i cannot describe but i know it all too well. little sounds make me want to tear my ears off and scoop my eyes out of my skull with a spoon. my spine is convulsing and those little ticks and twitches have become grander and more violent shakes in my abdomen. i am so done with this place. i am so done with this body.
miracle my life may be, where the fuck is god when i need him most? i guess you have a right to ignore me since i've ignored you this long. i have shaky faith so what's it to you if i need you.
i understand where you're coming from. i don't deserve this. life was enough. i get it.
i don't stand a chance.
august is too far away. give me august. give me sun and light and a chance to start over new. new town. new people. new loves, new situations to fuck up.
what's my patience worth anyways, these days?
"Don't say we got along
That's remarkably wrong
It doesn't suggest or imply
The thing about us you don't dare discuss
We never got along famously, we just tried
I tried to be good, I tried to be gracious and kind
But working with you has done nothing but prove a total waste of time
'Cause the real curse is your mind" jaymay. you'd rather run away.
|Tags: sick, love, life, crazy
|every time i find myself wanting to write in here, my heart races and my faces flushes and my mind goes blank. it is like i cannot translate thought into word anymore. my mind is melting from my skull and the sun just won't stop shining to let it cool down.|
why is it that lately i am the picture of popularity among a certain few young men? yet all i want is one. i do not want this life anymore. i used to think that being well-liked or admired by these boys meant i would have a higher self-esteem. an ego-booster, if you will. yet, here i am, alone on a saturday night fearing the next dogging call or message from the bassist who wants to hike in the woods. what happens when i run out of excuses?
sometimes the image of a relationship i hold in my head is much more fulfilling than the one in real-time.
i kissed a girl, and i liked it. well, i kissed two, rather. an eighteenth birthday party, late night swims and completely sober awkward friends. my first kiss.
jesus, my first kiss.
she is beautiful. they both are beautiful. i don't think the world understands my loving relationship with these people. we kiss, we touch. yet we all understand each other's limits so well. being able to have someone come up from behind you and simply hold you tight is the most satisfying feeling in the whole world. not in the least bit sexual. simple, pure caring between us.
and it is all gone now. they are all gone now.
gone away, across the country, across the world.
such bliss i held that night. if only i had let go of insecurities, and swam with him under those stars. the one i had thought to hold behind red velvet curtains. just let the insecurities go. a dark, cold pool. people i love and care for. take off those clothes and embrace the cool water flowing over your skin. ignore what that bassist might think. ignore them all. take it off. take it all off. take off this mask of quiet shyness and let yourself shine through. i am not who my body says i am. i am not the constraints i put myself in. i am ten feet tall. let the cool water flow over your skin. feel his hand brush against your ribcage as he pulls you closer, the water swirl around you. if only that middle-school game of spin the bottle hadn't ended so soon, i would have had an excuse to kiss you.
and yet, i see you thespian, a month from my swim under the stars. this time, we find ourselves meeting at a quiet party. just a few. i get goaded into going onto a trampoline. something i haven't done since i was a child. it is awkward and i feel jostled and uncomfortable. i laugh and scream anyways. i'd rather regret something i have done than something i haven't. case in point, a starry night bathing excursion. i see you in the corner of my eye out of the darkness, leaning on your cane.
a pang of guilt lands like a heavy cheesy dinner in my stomach. sticky, aching, and all together leaving me feeling uneasy. we, the blonde and i, jump down. i join you as you awkwardly lay on the hammock. she on one side, myself on the other. we laugh and talk of trivial things. the stars shine bright above our heads. how lucky, i am, i think to myself, to have these stars above my head so very often. we speak casually of your accident. you let me feel the screws in your wrist. i am careful not to jostle your leg. she leaves and i lay with my head on your chest, breathing you in. the smell of the wood smoke sticks in my nose, along with the smell of you.
when was the last time we lay together like this? i wondered to myself that night. it's been almost a year, i do believe. and think, what has happened in that time. your accident left me unstable in a way that shook me beyond what i could imagine. your heart rate leaped as i held your hand in that white hospital bed, my face flushed. you got out of the hospital. i saw you less and less. you moved on. so did i.
and yet, here we are again.
and this time, there is more between you and i than just my fears and insecurities.
there is guilt. there are unmade phone calls and unanswered emails. there is someone else for me.
you have changed. i don't know how to treat you anymore. you are darker. you are more cynical. you walk with a limp. you walk with a cane.
for the rest of your life you will wear that cane. forever. forever is a very, very long time.
as we tried to get out from the hammock, it was humiliating for you, i'm sure. you had to scootch your way down on the ground. i held your cane for you and offered to help you- you stubbornly refused. as you dragged yourself to that ladder on the trampoline, i couldn't help but whimper at how pathetic you were. how humiliating this was. how deeply i still care for you. how badly i just wanted to keep you down on the ground and lay with you. hold you close and let you know that it would be alright- morning would come soon.
there is always another day.
the sun always comes up again. to melt us for one more day. the stars fade away, for just one more day.
|Tags: confused, conflicted, guilty, love
|broken bones and broked hearts.
|you were almost gone, thespian.|
split second, and you could have been dead. blood on the windsheild, middle of nowhere until someone finds you wrapped around a tree. you were cold, alone, hurt. i can't think about it. i saw you, we held hands. i rubbed yours, you rubbed back. your heart moniter spiked. does that mean something? and then i find out you were wondering why i havent come back, if i was okay- you were worried. it isnt me that you should worry about. i'm not worth your time. i'm a coward. a fat, ugly coward. there's no beating around the bush. i ate icecream today, and much too much carbs. one after another, like a food whore. im never skinny enough for myself. always thirsty, always hungry- never satiated.
all i can think about is you. sometimes, i play out the scene in my head. enter. into the hospital room, the monitors beeping quietly. boldly, i kiss your cheek, hold your hand.i say i like the stubble, and i briefly run my fingers over your cheek. i tell you how i dont think i could make it without you- how glad i am to have you alive. you sit, fidget. the conversation is too awkward for you. i rub my thumb over your hand, and you rub back. all of a sudden i get the courage to kiss you- and i do. your heart rate spikes up- monitors screech. i pull away, leaning over you, my hand on your cheek. we smile, breathless. i jump away when nurses come rushing in to see you - lets not put your heart into overdrive, they say. we laugh nervously- i dont meet your eyes, my face is beet red. i should go, i tell you. i kiss your forehead, hand holding your face, thumb tracing your lips. feel better, i whisper. exit.
if only. never right, always too scared. too cowardly. always procrastinating, never smart or wanting enough to pull through. if only i could be bold, be proud, be real and there in the moment- to seize what i could have. no. never. that's some other girl- the girl in my head. the one who wont ever come out. the tall, beautiful, strong and confidant one. the skinny one. the one who is funny, laughs, sings, plays and makes love with you. kisses for the first time. kisses for the hell of it. who runs and jumps and hugs you- we laugh under stars and lay and smile at eachother. talk for hours without saying a word. walk under twighlight skies, count clouds pass in the grass. be able to get drunk with for the first time, kiss the first time, get high and laugh and hold eachother for the first time. it's okay if you don't want to hold my hand as we walk down the halls- i don't mind. i dont mind if i'm not your first, as long as i remember you, and you remember me. dont deny it- i know you think about me, from time to time. like i think about you. twenty-four seven. ever since your accident, you're all i can think about. every phone call, every email- i hope it's you. my heart races- maybe its you, calling for me from the hospital. you need me, you say. me. not her. she uses me, and she's obsessed with you. i can't take it.
i miss you.
i miss you.
i miss you.
i miss you.
|Tags: car crash, love, loss