Things I Will Get Rid of the Minute the Whole World Stops Kidding Themselves and Puts Me in Charge (Part 3 of a series)
Now, if you're a chick, I honestly have no idea if you will understand what I'm talking about or not. If you are in fact a girl, and do know what I mean from personal experience, I'd actually rather not know about it anyway. For all you guys, however:
Ok, so you're in a public bathroom, pelvis pressed to a urinal about six inches from another guy with his pelvis pressed to a urinal and about three feet from a line of guys who are behind you and very eager to press their pelvises to urinals. You're under a little pressure to perform, and while you do in fact feel the urge to urinate (hell, that's why you ventured into this haven for eager-pelvis-having men and boys in the first place, right?) you're not quite cranking it out at the speed you'd like. A burly trucker guy with his wiener halfway out is up next in line, and he seems to grunt a little more urgently every three or so seconds. Your anal cavity is in dangerously close proximity to his nearly exposed and eager member in the first place, and you don't want any confusion to ensue. So you do what any guy would do. You do what every guy has done- at some point. You put a little strain on your bladder and thrust your hips toward the urinal, the way an alcoholic might thrust a can Budweiser against his lips in hopes of freeing those last, elusive, few savory drops. But the desired effect does not take place, despite your best efforts to cater to the impatience of the avid "Momma's Family" viewer behind you. Instead of urine coming out at a faster rate, or at all, you actually just bust ass.
Why is this happening? In its haste, your body's waste system has become confused, and any attempts to pee faster actually just result in gratuitous farting. I've come to term this embarrassing, inconvenient and smelly phenomenon "sparfing", and although I've taken the time to name it, I've simultaenously decided that it needs to be eradicated from existence as soon as possible.
I mean come on! God, in all of his infinite wisdom, couldn't figure out how to wire our peeing and farting parts to work independently? I want a complimentary tune-up on my waste production systems, and it better be free goddamnit because I kept the receipt! Someone should really be working on this.
Things I Will Get Rid of The Minute the Whole World Stops Kidding Themselves and Puts Me In Charge (Part 2 of a series)
~ The "You-didn't-hear-me-the-first-time-I-said-something-thus-you-are-a-moron" Phenomenon
Every so often I will be talking to someone, listening contentedly when they have something to say, contributing adequately when the person pauses talking, and just generally enjoying the company of another when quite suddenly- something strange happens. For no immediately discernible reason, the audio department on the switchboard of my primitive human male brain begins to falter. Whatever the other participant in my conversation was saying becomes gibberish (or worse, I hear literally nothing at all) and the flow of the discourse is interrupted. At points like this, my inclination is to let the other person know that the latest bit of speech they uttered has completely failed to compute with me. Generally, I'm just trying to communicate the notion of "Hey, I was with you up until that last line that sounded something like 'I want to give a dinosaur a blumpkin'. Do you think you could repeat that?"
Typically, at this juncture, the other participant (let's call her Ingrid) gives a short noise of impatience and repeats herself. Despite Ingrid's best efforts, I honestly am no closer to understanding what she said, or why giving a dinosaur a blumpkin would be a point of intrigue for her. The look of pure befuddlement on my face gives me away, and she snorts petulantly again, this time repeating herself syllable by syllable, much in the way one would scold a dog that had shat in the kitchen for the fifth time in a row- despite being chastised for the same crime several times prior.
But wait! What's wrong with this picture? Did I really do anything to warrant the supercilious attitude? Somewhere along the line, it became socially acceptable to treat a person who misheard you as if they're an idiot- simply because you were not understood the first time. Fuck, maybe the inarticulate person is the real idiot! By the time Ingrid is done repeating herself in that obnoxious, impatient cadence, I honestly could no longer care less about her or her stupid dinosaur blumpkin fetish.
Things I Will Get Rid of The Minute the Whole World Stops Kidding Themselves and Puts Me In Charge (Part 1 of a series)
~ Trapping Defense Joning (also known as "Chummy Joning")
A trapping defense jone is basically when you approach someone and try to ridicule them to provoke a general reaction of laughter and approval from the people nearby, but then right before the ridiculed person can strike back with a quip of their own, the Trapping Defense Joner says something chummy and reassuring like "Hey man, you know we're cool. I'm just joshin'!" or something equally asinine, thus neutralizing the mock-hostility of the situation. At this point, the Trapping Defense Joner has gotten their jab in on their target, but has rendered the target's opportunity for retaliation void because the Joner's audience has already absorbed the effect of the original joke but the target is not likely to respond in kind because in light of the aggressor's apology, a biting reply would seem cruel and unnecessary and would likely escalate a situation that has proved jocular and harmless. I relate it to the trapping defense because in basketball one uses this defense by assigning one defender to aggressively inhibit an opponent's dribble and a second defender to clog the opponent's space so that when the player with the ball become's frustrated by the intense defensive effort against his dribble he will eagerly look to pass the ball, but in his haste and panic he will fail to notice the lurking second defender, and the attempted pass often becomes a turnover. It's basically a lose-lose situation for any attacking player who is without superior ball handling finesse or court vision. Similarly, the trapping defense jone is a lose-lose situation for any unsuspecting target who is lacking superior social agility or verbal dexterity.