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| lauren<3s music's Blog
| | 16 held such better days |
adam's song was one of the first songs that really made me think back in the day. it came on today while i was driving and it always makes me feel like i'm not alone. maybe there are plenty of other people who look back and look forward and wonder where happiness will land.
some days i wish i was stronger and some i wish i were weaker.
yesterday, i passed a funeral procession and we all stopped to let them go. my first thought was of this summer. my second thought was damn, i don't know who would even come to miine. who would even miss me enough to notice?
actions speak louder than words. | | Tags: blink, suicide, thoughts, friendship, funerals, missing people |
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| | frustration |
things aren't clicking. stupid stress and thoughts floating around.
i need a vacation and a surfboard to clear my head. or an adequate substitute | | Tags: thoughts, personal, inside jokes |
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| | A Familar Foe |
How much would you bet
That if I tried hard enough
I would spontaneously combust
I wish I could disappear
and run away from all of my fears
I think I'm coming undone
So stay the night
I promise that I won't bite
'Cause without you there
I don't think I could close my eyes
How do I end up this way
A constant knot in my gut
Tied with uncertainty and with lust
A classic case I suppose
A haunted man who can't out run his ghosts
They're in my skin and my bones
So stay the night
I promise that I won't bite
'Cause without you there
I don't think I could close my eyes
And now I sing...
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why do i always let people in? why do i care? you always do this to me, with no apologies. i was stupid enough to think we'd changed and moved past that. all those familiar feelings are swirling around again; aching, spinning, hope, disappointment. and of course now i'm going through the old playlist and it hurts more than ever.
it is always more of the same and i fool myself into thinking its different.
it never is.
why don't you want it to be? | | Tags: thoughts, personal, relationships, heartache |
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| | can't shake this little feeling |
i have that spinning in my head and feeling in my stomach again. why am i such a sucker? why do i spin in circles over and over again and just patiently watch happiness slip out of reach? i'm starting to wonder if it is even worth it.
and then i think of the people i miss and how to make it right.
I'll never get anything right | | Tags: thoughts, personal |
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| | silence and your thoughts |
do you ever sit alone in a room and then your thoughts come and pound from every corner of your mind? just when you least expect it. it's odd because i'm so content in my life right now, but I start to think about this past year and my eyes just well up.
i miss so many people, both here and not. i regret so much. i wish i could have been a better person and helped save you. i hate that i wear my heart on my sleeve and can't admit when i'm happy. i look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the person staring back at me is.
i need something drastic to change. i'm not sure what i need, but i need a jolt. i used to have that spark and when i didn't i had motivation to find it again. thoughts creep into my dreams in different scenarios and i think back through all the what-ifs.
any song i put on seemingly makes me ache. it doesn't matter what it is, it's just all a reminder.
and philly just scored another td. fuck my life. | | Tags: life, thoughts, reflection, football |
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| | a few brief notes |
about people....
- a friend of my enemy is not my friend.
- if you don't want people to know something 
- friends who disappear when you need them aren't friends
- awkwardness rules my life enough as it is, please don't contribute to it.
about me...
- if you don't like me, go ahead act like i'm invisible.
- cross me. go ahead. whatever you say, it makes me laugh.
- i'm a pack rat
- i don't mean half of what i say, learn to read between the lines
- if i tell you i mean it and swear on it, i do. | | Tags: life, me, friendships, thoughts, enemies, friends |
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| | | i dont wanna fuck you i dont want to touch |
I've been on a Midtown kick for the last couple days/nights (here's blaming you Anton).
Today pretty much continued the worry fest over Smudge. Thanks to everyone who was nice enough to talk me down a bit and who keeps checking in. you all are too sweet.
Perfect 80 degree day here and I had a nice drive to the ponies, blasting midtown literally until my car shook. Great ride, fun times all around and somehow i'm not quite there yet.
i want to get shit right and "i just want to fill you with regret...."
it'll happen. here's hoping anyways | | Tags: midtown, smudge, random thoughts |
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| | Meet me in Montauk |
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
(Joel comes back)
Clementine: Bye Joel.....
I'd like my goodbye now.
Better than that I'd like a hello.
Or anything other than silence.
| | Tags: goodbyes, blah, random thoughts |
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| | Cut & Dry |
" Here we go again
Lessons I & II
That it's never coming back
And it's never up to you
You thought they were your friends
With their fingers stuck in you
But they got all they could take
And now it's never coming back to you
So you're feeling like a fucking joke
And really, what could be more true
Well everybody thinks you're great
By the way, baby needs new shoes
Well I know it's hard
I know it's hard for you
It's hard to be a human being"
i'm over people.
| | Tags: personal, thoughts, john ralston |
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| | luca |
"So we fixed you with cement galoshes
No one can save you now
Unless you have friends among fish
There'll still be no air to breathe
You could drink up the entire ocean
I'll still find someone to be everything we know that you'll never be
So touch me or don't
Just let me know
Where you've been
Or we could leave it alone
I'm sure there's someone who knows
Where you've been"
i'll never be it.
fuck.
| | Tags: brand new, thoughts, personal, rant |
|
| | sleeping sickness |
I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down
And I'm afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?
i slept for the first time in a week last night. a night of drinking and craziness will do that to you i guess. i had fun for the first time in a long time and when i finally closed my eyes i hoped everything would just stop. i want so badly to not think, to put it all on pause. maybe one day when i close my eyes the thoughts will stop.
| | Tags: fun, party, thoughts, insomnia, city and colour |
|
| | fortune cookie |
i just finished getting lunch for my grandma and we almost never ever get chinese food. i grabbed the fortune cookie and popped it open expecting something stupid and vague like you always get for a good laugh. instead i pulled out the tiny slip and it said something semi interesting...
"Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in"
maybe if i hadn't lost my faith, i wouldn't be giving up. | | Tags: thoughts, fortune cooke, giving up |
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| | so strange... |
"... how everything went wrong so fast
And I hope that this confusion does not last"
ugh. this is torture. i need to stop my brain.
in any event at least i get to see my best friend tomorrow and say anything. the combination of casey and max bemis might be enough to make this a little bit better.
| | Tags: thoughts, relationships, confusion, say anything, shows |
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