| | |
|I've been waiting for so long
|I'm not sad anymore, I'm just tired of this place. |
The above is sung in The Wonder Years' The Upsides. It caused me to have a revelation, an epiphany more or less. I take a look at my peers, everyone's so fucking depressed. It makes me depressed. Half my friends are on Prozac and drown in self-pity. I'm no stranger to that, but there are the upsides. Don't let them go unnoticed.
The last two years for me have been less than ideal. I've fucked with drugs, Rx and ones that have landed me in sticky situations. I used to be like that, of course we're all sad at times; that's human. I'm alive, I'm going to a good school, I have the best friends in the world, I have a passion. I see so many people mutter about their insignificant lives. I'm not going to make this a philosophical/ straight-out-of-high-school-religion-class babble, but life's fucking good. Of course I can say this from a vantage point, considering you have to hit rock bottom to know how good life feels. I'm no narcissist, but I love life.
December 29th, 2009 I was almost dead. I knew I was doing something wrong when I was found passed out on countless drugs, some of which I don't even remember, on my floor babbling incoherently.I learned the next morning I was about 1 pill/ 1 drink away from being pronounced dead, as well as certain medications are the last thing that should be taken with a drink. That's not the way I want to live my live. I was a selfish little kid, self-absorbed in getting that high. I know I'm wired to be an addict. I think about drugs more than sex, but I've been sober for three months.
New season. New music. New friends. New city. New school.
I don't want this feeling to fade.
|Tags: wakeupblondie, rant, fuck, thursday, prozac, the, upsides, cunt
|Building a Better (noun)
|The old saying "the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem" is usually an eye-opening, motivational phase to boost people's lives. For me, it couldn't be more hypocritical. I have accepted my slew of problems, admit them, but alas, nothing. I feel I am sedentary in my progress of overcoming anxiety. With increase after increase, doctor visit after doctor visit, and sleepless night after sleepless night, I may have fictionalized problems to escape reality.|
All of these fancy, colored do-it-yourself books found at your nearest Barnes & Nobles for $19.95 make anxiety and depression seem like a fucking joke; "an obstacle that can be conquered in 30 days or less, or your money back!"
Are you even fucking kidding me? Do you think I choose to live the way I do? Do you think this is some cop-out or way of life? As far I know, it's not resilient. I've tried a slew of scientifically "tested" drugs, sunlight, exercise, counseling, and music. It will give me a day, or two at best, of a 'high' or 'happiness' only to pall back into the pits of whatever-the-fuck-I-am.
Today I watched a series of youtube videos about Thursday's song meanings. It brought a smile to my face as average-joe-looking Geoff Rickly lamented to his fans about the messages and personal struggles found in the ever-so complex lyrics of Thursday. Thank God this guy found such a powerfull creative outlet as music to express his experiences and console those who are in the same boat.
|Tags: anxiety, rant, thursday, fuck, shit
|Resuscitate the Scene
|It seems like these rants on how shitty the scene is compared to those nostalgic glory days of Thursday and Something Corporate are becoming almost as trendy as the hipster bands themselves. |
I would like to start off with some brief images, just to visualize what has happened.
Circa 2001: Thursday's Full Collapse
The album depicts the band's powerful, diverse message. A picture of a waiting room leaves the listener thinking about his or her anguish, anxiety, and uncertainty of their future. It is simple, but has a timeless message still relevant almost a decade later in 2009/
Circa 2008: The Maine
Fast foward seven years after a once thriving scene is on its death bed. The myspace era has glamorized 'music' into nothing more than a fad. Not only does the album cover expand on the band's cliche lyrics about love and breakups only relative to 14 year old girls, but it is a computer generared cookie cutter excuse for album art. The second image is nothing short of a 12 year old's abililty to add color and text in microsoft paint. Pathetic.
|Tags: rant, thursday, new, old, the, maine, deja, blog, fuck, scene, dead
|Right now my life is a mix of Garden State, Thursday's Lyrics, and my own self distorted image. Maybe I'm trying to live vicariously through music, movies, and other's misfortunes. Or I don't have identity. |
I'm still trying to conjure a cause or reason why I am in my current state. 'Normal' is a word that has always pissed me off. Scientists and other scholars insist humans can reach 'normal' feelings and emotions. Maybe I am normal, I've been like this since I can remember. Maybe all my problems are exaggerated, am I'm just pretending my own demise.
|Tags: fuck, life, rant, problems, thursday
|Building a Better________
|It humors me how people around me have their whole lives perfectly mapped out in front of them with picture-perfect endings. Harvard, Investment Banker, Trophy wife, BMW, die. They see the world in black in white, putting monetary gains on the pedestal of true happiness. |
It seems everyday is redundant; we're all waiting for something to happen but don't know what. Something to fill the void, something to happen, something to conquer this normalcy. Graduation, medication, retirement, death. People are so focused on their future and filling their resumes, they over look the beauty of the present.
It's been drilled into my head since 1992. Some sort of self-vindicating achievement worth thousands of hours and dollars typed elegantly on a 8 1/2" x 11" gold framed piece of paper. We prepared for high school, we prepared for college, we prepared for our jobs. It seems like one big redundant circle in our transient lifetime.
Why the fuck are we beating around the bush?
We had the greatest expectations, we were always waiting for something to happen.
|Tags: rant, future, school, work, fuck, thursday
|What it is to Burn
|The hand on the clocks spins repeatedly for hours, so does my mind. I hope time would alleviate these feelings, but I need to stop lying to myself. Full Collapse, conversation, and this notebook can only do so much. For now, the massive white ceiling will understand. |
What's the missing variable?
I can't conjure a thought original enough to define myself as "unique", or "different." Maybe i'm just another cliche teenager with cliche feelings.
I get down on myself so early, it's comical. It's something you would see on Saturday Night Live. She calls me, smiles, and laughs at my superficial jokes. I wonder how many times shes gotten fuck. She's probably had more one-night-stands than days I've had self-assurance.
For now I'll come to terms with my anxiety. Thursday's War All The Time is the non-existent pill, AnAmericanGod's blogs are assurance I'm not alone. For now I have this journal of disheveled pages hoping it will bridge the gap.
Where Will I be tomorrow? Where Will I be next year?
-Spitalfield- "Stolen from some Great Winter"
|Tags: finch, thursday, common, existence, rant, fuck
|Thursday Show (2/25/09) Cincinnati, OH
|Tears of joy are usually associated with weddings or other life changing experiences. I have never had one, until last night's Thursday concert. My life was changed by this band, again.|
Thursday stopped in the conservative mid western shit hole known as Cincinnati, OH on February 25th, 2009. Back in December I received an email saying Thursday was coming, I skipped my last class of the day and rushed to the box office for my ticket.
My idols since 2001 were a mere 20 feet from me. These guys changed the way I view music, and sincerely put, my life. "Understanding in a Car Crash" was the first song. A wave of nostalgia overcame me. I had flashbacks to the thousands of times I lived vicariously through this song; it is my theme song.
I cried inside.
It was funny watching the fans of the opening bands (Bring me the Horizon and Pierce the Veil) pour out of the venue before Thursday's set. A vast sea of tight designer jeans, overly pretentious texting 14-year-old girls, and obnoxiously bright t-shirts flooded the exit. The remaining fans in attendance were there for the same reason as me, to see a band that had an impact on their feelings and emotions, not just another band in their top 8 on myspace.
The look in the fans' eyes showed problems, hope, and passion. Thursday is their God. They didn't come to see another transient scene band popping breakdowns left and right while obsessing over their curved hair. They came to see a band with life changing lyrics, passion, and an unforgettable experience.
I talked to the singer Geoff after the show. I waited anxiously in line, contemplating what to say as if he was a pretty girl. He was the voice who comforted and aroused my thoughts and emotions since 2001. I told him Thursday changed my life with a disclaimer avoiding cliche-ness. Expecting a rapid, "Thank you", he impacted me like the first time I heard "Understanding in a Car Crash." The gleam in his eyes and extending his hand while saying, "you mean the world to us" forced a tear at the corner of my eye.
Please see Thursday if you have the chance, also check out their new CD Common Existence.
Understanding in a Car Crash
Resuscitation of a Dead Man
Signals over the Air
Jet Black New Year
Cross out the Eyes
For the workforce, drowning
Friends in the Armed Forces
War All The Time
|Tags: thursday, concert, review, cincinnati, full, collapse, common, existence