You know, it's not really the worsening economy that has me worried about getting shittier tips at work. It's really the promulgation of the perception that the economy is worsening. I don't mean to say that I doubt that we are in fact in a downward spiral; I just figure that the more media attention the economic downturn is given the more miserly Chinese food consumers are going to get when they're signing credit card endorsement sheets and deciding what percentage of the bill they should compensate me with, and I imagine their faith in their financial standing will decline - along with my average daily revenue- faster than the rate at which the economic slow down will actually tangibly affect most people.
So stop talking about the economy already, CNN!
I'm trying to buy some new sneakers or something! Shit.
Recently I've noticed a bizarre pattern in my interactions with the fairer sex.
It's funny because even though I can intellectually identify this, I can't react in any way except for the way I did before I noticed the pattern. At least, for the moment this is true.
When a girl smiles at me, or laughs at one of my jokes, or just does something that is otherwise cute, I feel like I'm in love with her. No, really. I really do. As in, I'm pretty sure my brain chemistry is actually being thrown off by a sudden surge of endorphins, and my ability to reason becomes clouded to a caveman level of sophistication (I'm sure those geico cavemen are gonna be pissed about this) and all I can do is associate the endorphin rush with the stimulus that I'm taking in at that given moment. Mind you, this doesn't even have to be a pretty girl! Even an average-looking one! Even like a four hundred pound one! It just sort of happens, and for a few seconds, I think things along the lines of "me and this girl should totally get married. I think I want to write her poetry and buy her things!" This happens to me alot more often than just getting horny. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this happens to me with the frequency that other, more typical dudes get horny. For me, it's actually alot more distracting than just getting horny. And it's even worse with girls who are actually gorgeous. Or with girls who belong to someone else. And it's fucking awful when it happens with girls who are both.
I just literally feel like someone cracked my head likes eggs on the side of a cast iron skillett and fried my brains like yolks- but in a good way. It doesn't last very long, but it is a really powerful feeling. And I never get used to it. It fucks with me every time it happens- which is alot. And so I can't help but wonder if this would continually happen even if I had a steady girl, or worse, a wife and kids or some shit. Moments like this make me extremely certain that I'm straight. But even as it happens, I know in the back of my brain that I only like Girl A or B *abstractly*. Like, "sure, she's grinning at me from across the room right now and it's cool and whatnot, but she would bore the shit out of me after five minutes on a date". Or, "there was something enchanting about how she looked when she was squinting to see the score on the television, but I could not handle waking up next to this girl." So, what happens is, I kind of idealize every girl I meet in my head for fleeting instances, but then rule them out just as quickly.
It's not a conscious thing; it's not something I do as a preventive exercise or defense mechanism. It just fucking happens. Over and over. In short, I kind of like every girl, and that maybe means that I don't like any. But then when it comes to dealing with females in between or after those fleeting moments of pseudo-love-craziness, I'm plagued with a powerful antipathy. It's just kind of a general and for the most part unshakeable aversion of getting too close to them. Not like they're horrible, just like, "You know I bet there's something good on tv right now that I'd much rather be watching." Then, right when I'm thinking that, they laugh or say something cute and my head is spinning again. Fluctuating between the two extremes is disorienting, uncomfortable, and exhausting, and I can't control it. On top of that, it's pretty unfair to the girl in question.
So, as I see it, I'm either not mature enough to have a genuine, meaningful, lasting attraction to a girl, or I just haven't encountered all that many alluring girls. I suspect some combination of the two is the truth, but it's not even that I'm all that worried about it; I find the whole thing more fascinating than troubling. Or maybe the premise for a romantic comedy starring Wayne Brady and Megan Good. Also, I'm pretty sure it's this pattern of behavior that leads other people to believe that I go to bat for the other team!
Anyway, I figure it will all make sense when I grow up. ;)
Does anyone remember those "All Fruit" commercials from the nineties? If you don't, All Fruit was this none too spectacular alternative to jam or jelly that you could spread on toast, bagels, or your balls or whatever, and the primary element of its ad campaign was something about how it was the epitome of sophistication and refinement, and by it eating you became this aristocratic, blue-blooded snob and got to feel better than everyone else.
In the commercials, a bunch of old white people would sit around a table in ritzy looking outfits and say "pass the All Fruit" to each other repeatedly whilst an eager, grinning, bumpkin-looking guy smacked his lips in anticipation for his turn with the stuff. Finally, when there's a pause in all the requests for the All Fruit, the poor guy goes "wouldja please pass the jelly?" and all the old white people in the scene emit sounds of grief and outrage at his calling the precious All Fruit "jelly". I think it was supposed to be funny and encourage you to buy it so that you, too, could have a superiority complex, but it always kind of pissed me off because I empathized with the bumpkin-looking guy. I mean hell, he said please. He seemed perfectly good-natured to me.
Today I have felt like that guy since the moment I woke up, but I suppose that's sort of like empathizing with the "Trix" rabbit, and I think I read in a Chuck Klosterman essay that in a survey of adult Americans nationwide, an overwhelming majority said the kids should just get over themselves and give the rabbit some damn cereal.