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  -  From The Office Of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/2 (http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=2908272)

Drew Beringer 10/02/12 06:28 AM

From The Office Of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/2
Despite the Buffalo Bills embarrassing loss this past Sunday to the New England Patriots, our resident doctor Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die) overcame his bout with heavy drinking to bring us his weekly advice. As always these are real questions from real AP.net users. If you want the answers to all of life's questions (but not really), make sure to submit your concerns here.

Drew Beringer 10/02/12 06:28 AM

From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/2Due to the embarrassing loss suffered by the Bills at the hands of the New England Patriots, the doctor prescribed himself a bit too much “Grampas Cough Syrup” and really does not feel like being in the office today. Even Michael Jordan had off days, folks.

Dr. Keith
how do you feel about the current direction and changes to the American English vernacular? There's a vowel shift going on over in the Boston area and with the rise of the internet and texting we have a bunch of new words coming about as well as the deconstruction of grammar and words themselves. So how do you feel about this?

BOSTON?! you're from Boston?? Ok first of all, how in gods name was Bradys knee not ruled down on that 2nd and 4 in the 3rd quarter? The ball clearly had not broken the plane. I really feel like that was the beginning of the end for us, considering the Bills penchant for throwing in the towel rather than even attempt to turn the game around.

Hey Dr. Keith Buckley,
I recently joined a cover band and I heard that you have joined one as well. Last night this dude gave me a ton shit for it at a party. I was wondering what do you do when someone gives you shit about being in a cover band?

If a dude goes to a party and wants to hear your ORIGINAL music, ask him what his definition of “partying” is. And is it me, or was Spiller absolutely not ready to make a comeback? He blew out his shoulder last week, and the first time he sees any action, you put him on the offensive line as a blocker?? That’s like paying for a security system in your house and then giving the crazy guy who sits in the park across the street your access code. Of course they’re going to exploit his injury. Him and Jackson combined couldn’t break 70 yards rushing. Just terrible.

Dr. Keith,
Why do you think so many people listen to you and value your insight and opinions on life? Even though you tell us not to listen to what you say, we keep rolling in the questions every week.

I honestly am not sure, but what I am sure about is that Buffalo signed Mario Williams for a 6 year, $100 Million contract just 6 months ago and all I can say about that is “who the fuck is Mario Williams?” One sack??? Yesterday, our line gave up the 2nd most yards in FRANCHISE HISTORY. Are you fucking serious? Buffalo is the Hospice of the NFL where everyone comes to die. Yay Drew Bledsoe! Fart. Oh sweet, Terrell Owens! Barf. Hey guys, here comes Mario Williams! Sike.

Hey Doc
I have been experiencing a lot of stress in my life lately. What are some good ways to blow off some steam?

Well for starters, don’t try to relax with my buddies and watch the Bills. What the hell was Fitzpatrick even doing at the end of the game? Under throwing Stevie Johnson one minute, then straight up throwing it out of bounds on what would have been a touchdown reception the next? how can that dude look in the mirror and think he even belongs on the same field as someone as perceptive and present and talented and handsome as Brady. Oh, Fitz went to Harvard? Who gives a rats ass, the dude played the entire second half like Adam Sandler trying to play baseball in that one awesome skit off “They’re All Gonna Laugh At You” where he starts crying “take the ball, just take it.” get Jim Kelly on the fucking phone.

Hey Dr Keith,
There's a girl at my work who I'm pretty sure likes me, and I kinda like her too, but I'm scared that I'll shit where I eat and have to find a new job in case I mess it up and she doesn't actually like me, or she does, we go out and everything goes terribly wrong. Is it right that I've been leaving it alone or should I risk my job?

Risk your job! If all else fails, you can be a 6 figure earning defensive lineman for the Buffalo Bills. Goddamit. Fucking Bills. Oh well, we’ll get ‘em next week

therookielot 10/02/12 06:36 AM


Rodney182 10/02/12 06:37 AM

haha best column yet. Bravo sir.

bones jones 10/02/12 06:39 AM

i feel you, buddy. the bills have been feeding my alcoholism for a long time.

anamericangod 10/02/12 06:40 AM

This hurt me to read. I'm still really bummed about the loss. As soon as they fumbled on the 1 yard line I knew we were completely fucked. At least we have hockey lol just kidding.

Go Bills.

suicidesaints 10/02/12 06:47 AM

Keith Buckley is the man.

rawspinner 10/02/12 06:49 AM


Originally Posted by anamericangod (Post 113711402)
This hurt me to read. I'm still really bummed about the loss. As soon as they fumbled on the 1 yard line I knew we were completely fucked. At least we have hockey lol just kidding.

Go Bills.

Joe, you're from Buffalo?!?!

Holly HoX! 10/02/12 06:51 AM

Fuck the Bills
Fuck the Pats
Fuck that whiny bitch Brady (and Cutler)

The end.

Psib 10/02/12 06:58 AM

As a Patriots fan. this made me so happy

cowlord 10/02/12 07:15 AM

I know everyone says this basically every week, but this was probably the best one hahaha

Spencer Control 10/02/12 07:43 AM

I laughed at every single one of these. Holy frick, hahahahahahaha

njiata603 10/02/12 07:47 AM

Ease up Bledsoe there, the man's still an icon round these pahts (NH/ME/MA/VT).

carlosonthedrums 10/02/12 07:48 AM

He still managed to throw a compliment at Tom Brady, and that probably made me laugh hardest of all.

ParkAvenue 10/02/12 08:24 AM