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  -  From The Office Of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/8 (http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=2915052)

Drew Beringer 10/08/12 12:21 PM

From The Office Of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/8
 
I've been told today's a holiday of sorts, so what better way to celebrate it than with the most recent column from AP.net's resident doctor Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die). It's a short one this week, either because the good doctor has been celebrating Columbus Day really hard or you jabronis aren't sending in your questions in a timely matter. So make sure you submit something this week (email us your question here). As always, these are real questions from real AP.net users.

Drew Beringer 10/08/12 12:21 PM

From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/8Dr. Keith
My girlfriend wants to get a "tramp stamp" of your face. I think her motive stems from a childish conversation where i proclaimed to love ETID more than she does. None the less, I'm uncomfortable with this for multiple and obvious reasons. What are your suggestions for convincing her not to follow through with this?

Though I don’t know you personally nor do I have even a basic understanding of how loving relationships work between two human beings of any given gender (theres 6 total I believe?) I am willing to guess that you are so unsupportive because you haven’t thought of this: if you take a marker and draw one arm and one leg on each buttcheek, then her buttcrack will be the body of a keith buckley stick figure.


Dear Doctor,
I just got married a few weeks ago, and my wife’s cat hates me. I don’t know if it’s because she’s jealous of my wife’s attention being divided between the two of us now, or if she doesn’t like men. What can I do? I don’t know if your studies and travels have included veterinary medicine or led any great insight into the animal kingdom. Help! I just want to be able to walk into a room without getting hissed and growled at, or without having my feet and ankles attacked).

I have never really been a cat person until a few years ago when we adopted what may be the most perfect cat in the world so I don’t have any horror stories that would have normally caused me to empathize and taught me what to do with a nightmarish feline. So, I gave myself a crash course by watching the entire first season of “My Cat From Hell” and have realized something important. Cats love and respect people whose nu metal band never took off. While we as humans might look at Jackson Galaxy and think “human tampon” cats see something much more god-like. Keeping that in mind, dress like Guy Fieri and because you cant let go of that impossible dream you once had of being a musician, carry around a guitar case like it’s a baby blanket you giant, delusional fucking loser.

Dear Keith,
I apologize for your NFL team being so pathetic and throwing away a potential upset. It must suck to love a team that gets spanked so often. All shitty teams asides, What two teams do you think will make it to the Super Bowl this year?

I don’t think I’ve ever watched a football game in which the Bills weren’t playing, so my predictions might be a bit off but I believe it’ll come down to The Big City Sports Team vs The Middle American Underdogs and in the end, only one of them will win.

Dear Doctor,
Having been a long time fan, and knowing you're a busy bee, I was hoping you'd answer a question of mine.
How does it feel being The Proverbial 'Man'?

Being Proverbial “Man” isn’t all its cracked up to be. Yes, I am thankful for stumbling across that proverbial “meteor” that crash landed in the proverbial “forest” and endowed me with this proverbial “super power” but I cant fly, I cant see through walls, I cant pause time, I cant run super fast or do my own taxes, I cant hold my breath underwater or learn to open my heart to people who try to love me or climb tall buildings (even using stairs). I’m pretty much the most useless superhero in the game, unless you need someone to help you get into R rated movies or buy cigarettes.

ebushelm 10/08/12 12:27 PM

the cat response was one of the best yet

RabidNewz 10/08/12 12:31 PM

I don't understand how these keep getting better, but they do.

Spencer Control 10/08/12 12:52 PM

I'm sad to say I didn't find this week's too funny. I'll go back and cry myself laughing to the Bills week.

whiterussian 10/08/12 01:51 PM

The doc's still got it.
Between Dr. Keith and Dr. Andy Christ, ETID is an amazing "beyond the music" band.

ChaseTx 10/08/12 02:34 PM

Questions were lame this week. I hate when the askers try to be funny, that's not the point.

t00latef0rr0ses 10/08/12 03:06 PM

meh. looks like this fad is dying out.

BrandonLocke 10/08/12 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by t00latef0rr0ses (Post 113968052)
meh. looks like this fad is dying out.

You shut your dirty mouth.

bakerboy420 10/08/12 05:28 PM

Keith, you are the best.

CastlesXClouds 10/08/12 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by t00latef0rr0ses (Post 113968052)
meh. looks like this fad is dying out.

why would you say something so hurtful?

Bryan GribbIe 10/08/12 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by t00latef0rr0ses (Post 113968052)
meh. looks like this fad is dying out.

Literally the exact opposite of what is happening here.

kbomb001 10/08/12 11:26 PM

Wit Mah Yums On

t00latef0rr0ses 10/09/12 09:42 AM

nothing against the good doctor, but his patients have been submitting less than stellar questions. Thats all i meant with my previous post.

luckisoverrated 10/09/12 12:03 PM

"I can't run superfast or do my own taxes..."
Nice. :)

The_Effort 10/09/12 01:48 PM

This guy is incredibly entertaining.

Gunwalls 10/10/12 11:53 AM

He really does have a great deal of consistency. Musically and otherwise. I thoroughly enjoy these.