From The Office Of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/16

From The Office Of Dr. Keith Buckley: 10/16/12Keith,
I've totally given up on the film industry. I simply cannot take yet another re-make, "reboot", sequel, or spin-off. As you may or may not know, they're in the process of remaking classics like Carrie & even The Evil Dead. I'd like to know what I should do to remedy my hatred toward superfluous remakes.  

You slanderous pig! How DARE you make public your reservations about the ineffable cinematic redux! Have you not laid eyes upon Jaden Smiths recent masterful portrayal of one such L’Enfant du Karatie, a character originally ruined and thrust forever into obscurity by the proletarian known as Raphael Machio? I find that probability highly dubious, given your backwards view of show business and the artistic liberty master thespians have so boldly taken. Auteurs such as Russell Brand in his remake of “Arthur”, Elle Elle Cool Jaye in “Rollerball” or Dennis Quaid as the austere Reverend Shaw Moore in Portugals “A Música Está do Teu Lado” (Footloose, as it was wildly known in this simple country of ours) have spearheaded the resurgence of the Golden Age of Talkies and to them alone we are eternally indebted!

Doctor Keith,
There's a cute girl in my college who has constantly been looking at me and smiling. I've recently come out of a long term relationship and have no idea how to talk to girls sober, and I'm sure my tutors won't approve of me turning up wasted on campus. Any tips?

The first thing you want to do is corner her. Women love it when you make them the focus of your attention, so backing them into a situation from which they cannot easily remove themselves is a perfect way of saying “Here I am. There is nobody who can help you.” She will find your willingness to assist her with her OBVIOUS emotional conundrum genuine and it will definitely be the first step in establishing a relationship. I personally suggest waiting for her as she walks back to her dorm alone under the lights of the parking lot in the crisp, night air. Women love surprises almost as much as they love attention, so if you can, try getting access to her car in order to be the first thing she sees as she looks into her rear view to back out. It conveys the idea “I will be behind you 100% of the time. Supporting.” After that, confess your love with an almost maniacal enthusiasm and assure her that aside from the apparent mental connection, you can also please her physically by proudly waving your semi erect (you still want there to be some surprises in the bedroom) penis in her direction.

Dearest Doc,
I'm a 34 year old single woman who loves the dirtier, grittier types of music, and I find that it intimidates most potential suitors. When I do find a guy who likes it like I do, they tend to be greasy-haired bogans. How on earth do I find that gem in the shit-pile that is the single scene? Does your Mrs share your music taste, or do you keep it down to keep her happy?

To be honest, I don’t know if my wife even knows I’m in a band. Its never really come up in conversation. I think she just assumes that when I’m not around for a month at a time that a new Call Of Duty has come out and I’m upstairs playing it. As for your question about meeting people who share your taste in music, the last place you’re going to want to start looking is at a concert of a band you like. If its well known that women like a band, guys will be front and center at their show like lions who learned of a new wildebeast watering hole. The chance of you establishing a mutual emotional bond over your shared love of Chiodos? Zero Point Zero. I would actually eliminate “musical taste” as a characteristic on your wish list at all. Instead, look for someone who likes the same action hero from the 80’s. if you can agree, chances are you like the same music.

Dear Dr Keith
One of my best friends just got into a new relationship with a boy from her school. He is really nice and always hangs out with us, but the other day she told me that he actually really hates me. I have no idea how I got onto his bad side since I just met him but its making me a bit uneasy. I wish for nothing more than to be his friend since I see him every time I hang out with her. How do you think I should go about befriending him? Thanks!

Talk to him about how intimately you once knew his new girlfriends body. Even if you’re making it up, theres no better way for two guys to hit it off than making the same “boob squeezing” hand gestures while giggling as she has her back turned playing mini-golf. The more specific you can get, the better. That way, he’ll look at you as someone he can come to with problems should they arise. Trust is important

Dear Sir Dr. Keith,
I have been seeing this girl, nothing serious really but am thinking about stepping it up a notch. But there is a barrier: she is taller than me. Try as I might, I cannot get over the fact that she stands taller than me. How do I overcome this deficiency?

Hire me to break her legs. Whether hunched over a pair of crutches or resigned to a wheelchair for an indeterminate amount of time, I promise to take that goliath down a peg. both literally and figuratively. $500. C’mon. whats $500? I mean, c’mon. you probably got that on your nightstand. Its just $500, you know? Lets be serious. Its like, 1 week at work. DM me on twitter. We’ll talk.

Dear Keith,
I'm not sure if your various degrees cover the chiropractic field, but I have crazy back problems. Because of my spine being slightly curved, I face a lot of lower back pain and discomfort. I'm wondering if there are any physical therapy tips or stretches you can recommend to help relieve some of this pain.

Well, again I’m not a REAL doctor but I too suffer from “crazy back problems” so I can share with you what little I know. This is just off the cuff so please forgive any errors in terminology:
You see, starting at the top, the spine has 4 regions. They are the seven cervical or neck vertebrae (labeled C1 - C7),
the 12 thoracic or upper back vertebrae (labeled T1 - T12),
the five lumbar vertebrae (labeled L1 - L5), which we know as the lower back, and the sacrum and coccyx, a group of bones fused together at the base of the spine. The lumbar region of the back, where most back pain is felt, supports the weight of the upper body, however my problem was a little more specific than that, so I diagnosed it in my off time as Sciatica, which is- if I remember correctly- a condition in which a herniated or ruptured disc presses on the sciatic nerve, the large nerve that extends down the spinal column to its exit point in the pelvis and carries nerve fibers to the leg. This compression caused shock-like or burning low back pain combined with pain through the buttocks and down one leg to below the knee, occasionally reaching the foot. In order to alleviate the discomfort, I used noninvasive pain management techniques such as behavioral modification, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory agents and neuromodulating medications.
Whoa. What the fuck just happened.