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  -  From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 11/1 (http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=2939592)

Drew Beringer 11/01/12 12:43 PM

From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 11/1
 
What better way to bring in the new month than with our weekly visit with Dr. Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die). The good doctor apologizes that he wasn't in the office last week (he's currently moonlighting as the vocalist for ETID overseas) and he hopes that none of you died of "Jumping Frenchmen of Main Disorder" or Purple Shit Disease while he was away. As always, these are real questions from real AP.net users and if you want Keith to answer your pressing questions, shoot him an email here.

Drew Beringer 11/01/12 12:44 PM

From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 11/1Dear Dr. Keith,
In the past year, I have developed strong feelings toward a girl that I have been seeing. We are not officially in what social networking would call, 'a relationship,' but we see each other often and are quite intimate (kisses on the mouth, 'Dutch Touches,' etc..). The problem that I am facing is that she is extremely outgoing and social, whereas I have severe social anxiety and have always been quite introverted. We often end up within large groups of people where she craves attention, and I crave my medicine. Lately she has noticed this, and told me that I need to make an effort to talk more and be more assertive, or she isn't going to ask me to hang out anymore. My question to you, is how would you recommend I go about becoming more comfortable and confident in social situations?

Personally, I don’t think its fair that any woman ask you to change who you are just to acclimate to her surroundings, especially when her surroundings are probably Tupperware parties or bridge clubs or PTA meetings or wherever it is women nowadays tend to gather and gossip. Girls gone wild busses? Is that still a thing? I don’t know, I haven’t talked to a woman in about 8 years. Anyways, relationships are about compromise. if she is going to ask that you try new things and she is really worth stepping out of your safety zone, then ask her to take a step into YOUR world. tell her to meet you online in your “cakefart fetish forum” and see how outgoing she really is.


Dr. Keith,
My buddy has been dating this girl over the internet for a year now. He's convinced she's real and not a dude. They've never met and all 10+ plans to meet up have fallen through. He insists their relationship is built on trust. We have proof that his girlfriend isn't who she says she is but don't know how to tell him. Any advice on breaking the news to him?

This is an extremely delicate situation to be certain. You don’t want your friend to resent you but you care enough about him to insist that he knows the truth. Wait until his birthday, for sure. Then, tell him that as a gift you and your buddies have flown his lady in so the two of them could finally meet. Take him to a VFW hall where your friends are waiting with huge, blown up pictures of what his girlfriend really looks like and when he comes through the door, egg him. Laugh hysterically at him for being such an idiot for so long and make sure nobody is blocking the camera you have set up which is broadcasting everything to a stickam account that you’ve invited everyone on facebook to watch.

Hello Sir,
I'm 20 years old and I just quit my job of 4 years due to new management being put in place and the new boss was a complete asshole, and he knows it...because I told him. I live by myself and finding a Job here is quite hard at the moment, and as much as I love them, I don't want to move back in with my parents - That would require selling most of my stuff. So, as you should've naturally assumed I need a new job and fast. Should I have secured a new job before I quit my old one, or did I do the right thing by sticking it to the man?

I subscribe to the thought that if you have a plan B, you will always rely on plan B. I didn’t always think this but sometimes outlooks change. this mantra, while extremely optimistic proves to be equally as unrealistic as it has cost me a great deal of money, time, mental and physical health so its probably a terrible thing to keep believing in. I just tend to trust that things will be taken care of as long as I keep my eyes open. I’m not opposed to freaking out spontaneously and quitting a job without having another one in line, but make sure that after you do you stay aware. Look for clues as to where you should make the next turn. Your next job might not even be in a related field. For instance, if after you quit you come to the realization that you lack any sort of discernible talent and motivation, it just means you should start a music blog.

Dear Dr keith,
I am 20 year old male and I recently bought a gold 09 Ford Focus. Does this mean I'm gay?

Oh god yes.

Dr. Keith,
Do you and your spouse feel that there will come a time for music to take a back seat in your life? Do you ever see a time where you hang up the mic for good and focus solely on your marriage and family? This is a problem facing my 23 year old self as I decide whether or not to even pursue a relationship, because I'm in the most focused band of my life right now with some really awesome and dedicated friends.

I don’t think having a band and a sturdy relationship/family are mutually exclusive. I know plenty of guys who are married with children, tour consistently and only have like 4 mistresses. True family men. Admirable lot.

Dear doctor,
While at the bar, my friends and I like to play a game where we order repulsive shots for each other. What's the worst shot you've ever had? What is it made of? And what will it do to me if I try it?

This answer is arguable because I think the grossest tasting alcohol in the world is absinthe, but some people love it. a girl I know even drank multiple shots of it at once through a funnel at a party. She’s not doing too well these days. However, I love shots that other people might find absolutely repulsive. For example, a shot of tequila with a raw clam in it and some Tabasco sauce is fucking incredible but I love all ingredients on their own. Try a raw egg followed by a pint of beer. “Grandpas Breakfast” as I call it. that doesn’t sit well with anybody.


Dear Dr. Keith, M.D. (probably),
I am a wayward college student desperately searching for a major, yet nothing appeals to me. All of my classes are mundane and uninteresting, and what I truly want to do is work in the music industry. So, I have come to you for your prolific advice. Should I stay in school and get a college degree in something I could not give less of a shit about? Or should I follow my passion by dropping out of school and pursuing a job in the industry?

I love when I have the opportunity to provide people with advice I would NEVER have taken.. drop out of school! Definitely do NOT wait until you at least have your degree before following your bliss into the great unknown because you didn’t have a single student loan to pay back and you could fuck around for years without any real responsibility to anyone but yourself! Honestly, this answer changes so drastically because the climate of the industry does. I know people with full time jobs whose “project” bands are “more successful (popular)” than dudes who have devoted their entire life to music. You can love and succeed at 2 different things. The guy a few questions back hated his job, so then yes, I suggest getting out. Do you hate EVERY class offered to you at school? can you study something that pertains to music or at least is a little less heavy that provides you a few extra hours a day to focus on music? do you have what it takes to be poor as fuck and not care because you get to create? Ask yourself that. then lie, make the wrong decision and promise yourself that you WILL find me and kill me for fucking you up.

Wise Doctor:
There's this girl. She's amazing. I really think that there could be something awesome there, but, as of right now, she's unavailable while she tries to get things figured out again. Should I wait around for a chance at this one, knowing that the chance might not come? Should I just tell her? Even if she hasn't seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? What sort of doctor are you, anyhow?

No. do not wait. tell her you’re moving on and you will never think about her again but also, in the same sentence, imply that you’ll still accept nudes when she gets her “head right”.

Keith,
Wasted question. I've recently had a tooth in the missing because of you, and an arrest on my hands. how do I prevent and/or circumvent this shit? i hate it. tickets are mad kinda of cash. help or die. also, help. thanks. gayhole.
Ps I typed this like 7 times cause im smashed.

Im not going to answer this. I just wanted people to see what 90% of my inbox consists of weekly. Awesome.

clifforrrd 11/01/12 12:53 PM

"Oh god yes."

get up kidd 11/01/12 12:54 PM

Thanks. Gayhole.

skibby15 11/01/12 12:56 PM

hahahaha

SuNDaYSTaR 11/01/12 01:22 PM

Gayhole knows what's up.

alexbrew 11/01/12 01:31 PM

Last question/answer made my day.

Miketheunicycle 11/01/12 03:34 PM

interesting enough

kbomb001 11/01/12 09:16 PM

I love this man, #ALLTHEHOMO

kismet 11/01/12 09:59 PM

Keith never disappoints with these.

Spencer Control 11/02/12 06:24 AM

Girls Gone Wild buses needs to be a thing.

saddr weirdr 11/02/12 04:29 PM

Awesome.

Kyle Thrash 11/03/12 06:14 PM

Online Dating one was his best answer yet.