Ask Dr. Keith: 07/11/2012 Dear Mr. Buckley,Nine years is long enough to be considered a common law marriage in some states. No wonder she dumped you. As the legendary rap artists Feonce says “if you love me then you should give me a wedding ring”. All women love that song for a reason. They need commitment. So lets be honest with ourselves here, if you’re still only dating after 9 years, you really weren’t sure she was right for you. Use this to kick your ass into gear. Go read “The Game” by Neil Strauss, get a fuzzy hat or some weird pink shirt that makes you look like a dick with no hole, learn a dumb magic trick, lie about your job and in no time you’ll be fucking every single woman in LA. This question is blowing my mind for about 4 different reasons, the first being that I have no idea what Salvadore is. It sounds dangerous. The second being that whatever it is, it is so many light years away from earth that you look at white guys and think they’re “new”. The third is that you say parents are racist. Everyone knows that only GRANDparents are racist. The 4th is that in addressing your inquiry, I’ve digressed to “Daniel Tosh” type jokes which everyone knows is the lowest form of comedy. Goddam you, Salvadorian enchantress. I don’t know what magical powers you employed to put me in such a humorless trance, but it has worked. Firstly, you need to understand that it does not take ANY credentials, skills, initiative, resilience, muscle strength, determination, money, hope, compassion or a personality to work for a band. You just have to have grown up with them. Once your foot is in the door, make friends with the headliner on your first tour and tell them that you’ve been with your current band “for too long, doing the same thing” and that you’re “over qualified” for the position you’re currently holding. You’ll eventually pick up skills as you go, but you have to throw yourself into the fire and be willing to fail. A lot. Zack Canon began as a skinny vegan kid in a straight edge crew we picked up in florida because we needed a merch guy and he needed a job. I had never met him, but he had known andy for a long time. He was willing to sell shirts because it didn’t take any real skill. 12 years later he’s a fat drunk who is one of the best sound guys in the game, getting paid an exorbitant amount of money to work with The Used and New Found Glory. The moral of the story? I’m not sure. But maybe its to gain weight. I get anxiety after a long night of NOT partying. Ask my wife (don’t actually talk to my wife). If I know my little buddies are down the street at the bar and I’m not there yet I start freaking out. I pace, I sweat, my temper shortens by the second and I get nervous twitches. Some other doctors in the field might call it “alcoholism”. I simply think that its like someone who exercises a lot, but with booze. I guarantee it was the original 4 Loko Watermelon. That traditional recipe is unavailable to you kids now, but back in my day, we used to drink 2 cans of it and end up trying to chop down a porta potty with an ax we stole off a firetruck that was on sight trying to put out the flames we set to a pile of our own xbox’s. 4 Loko was the original bath salt. All this cannibalism you’re hearing about now? bush league. 
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