[thecurerocks182]

http://soundcloud.com/atropos-mar/kids

When I was three
I was a king
I took the world by storm
And every city
In memory would say,
“just don’t grow old”
Now, I sleep like my father does
In a big, empty house
Paying loans out to a child
Whose face I don’t remember

(Woe)
You’ve got nothing
(Woe)
You pay for everything
(Woe)
You’ve got nothing
(Woe)

Hard words to know
Left you cold
Like a freezer full of blood
You cough up ghosts to feel warm
But they never stay long
Now, you dream like you’re uncle does
Spastic and recurrent
Crying out for a lost one
You’re losing control

(Woe)
You had everything
(Woe)
You lost everything
(Woe)
You had everything
(Woe)

(Soon tragedy will haunt your thoughts
Because you left them alone for quieter things…)

The kids are on the streets again
Shooting napalm into their lonely veins
But they’re alright, they’re alright

The kids are in their cars again
Huffing lullabies that promised more
But they’re alright, they’re alright

The kids are in the basement again
Spinning melodies of their discontent
But they’re alright, they’re alright

The kids are in their beds afire
Fornication will spawn another child
To grow up diffident and indifferent
To do as they have witnessed
But they’re alright, they’re alright
Yeah, they’re alright, they’re alright

This is how it’s going to end
This is how it always ends
My face on fire
With all the intention to scream out,
“Where have you been?”

[I'mAGetUpKid]

This is phenomenal. Written so well. Great job!

[SparkyzRox]

Nice!

[thecurerocks182]

thanks for reading. it took me awhile to express how i was feeling. i'm quite happy with the overall results. very excited to have it recorded and playback to me...

[AsYesterday]

This is a fucking sad reminder of mortality.

[thecurerocks182]

Originally Posted by AsYesterday

This is a fucking sad reminder of mortality.

I hope in a good way :p thanks for reading.

[thecurerocks182]

Go here http://soundcloud.com/atropos-mar/kids if anyone wants to hear the song. This is the first recording I've done with my new setup...still, trying to understand the technology. having said that, I think it turned out decent. please, let me know what you think. be greatly appreciated. hope you enjoy.

[AlexWithaC]

I think this is really good; miles ahead of anything I have read in here for months.

My only criticism is that you get tied up in having lines with one of two syllables off the melody in the bridge section.
This is the edit I would make with some notes on why I make the changes:

The kids are on the streets again
Putting napalm in their lonely veins
But they’re alright, they’re alright
-"putting" is a stronger and less common verb and it accesses the "p" sound in napalm

The kids are in their cars
Huffing lullabies that promised more
But they’re alright, they’re alright
-I think that there would be way more impact to this verse if cars was elongated without the addition of again; the slight change in the melody there would create drama and rising action in this verse.
-I change the second line for off-rhyme and I think its a more interesting word choice

The kids are in the basement
Spinning melodies of discontent
But they’re alright, they’re alright
-"again" added one too many syllables for your melody in the first line and it makes you sing the line awkwardly (bonus is that basement already rhymes with your next line)
-the second line also was one syllable too long

The kids are in their beds afire
Tonight two kids take home a child
To grow up diffident and indifferent
To do as they have witnessed
But they’re alright, they’re alright
Yeah, they’re alright, they’re alright
-Your line was really awkward and copulating is a dead fish of a verb really... I think mine is nice and clean and fits your melody and meaning

Feel free to ignore me, but I wouldn't comment with edits if I didn't already have a huge amount of respect for the work you put into this.
Again, really great work.

[thecurerocks182]

^ Thanks a lot for the constructive criticism. Too often, this forum is filled with either comments of approval or dislikes, allowing no room for improvement. Moreover, I like your changes, as well as your rationales. I will consider your edit and make revisions. Having said that, I have already tracked vocals (as well as posted the song here, if you're interested in listening), so not sure if it will end up getting re-recorded. Once again, thanks a lot for not only taking the time to read my piece but also providing criticism to which I can improve upon. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[kimson1000]

Nicely written!

[AlexWithaC]

Originally Posted by thecurerocks182

^ Thanks a lot for the constructive criticism. Too often, this forum is filled with either comments of approval or dislikes, allowing no room for improvement. Moreover, I like your changes, as well as your rationales. I will consider your edit and make revisions. Having said that, I have already tracked vocals (as well as posted the song here, if you're interested in listening), so not sure if it will end up getting re-recorded. Once again, thanks a lot for not only taking the time to read my piece but also providing criticism to which I can improve upon. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

No problem, haha, too often in this forum you can't give constructive criticism because there is nowhere to start from... but I like to do it when I can. And yeah, I listened to get the melody to be sure that my changes would work, and I figured you might not want to re-record. I think the ideas behind the edits are the most important thing though and I'm glad you like them :)

[thecurerocks182]

Originally Posted by AlexWithaC

No problem, haha, too often in this forum you can't give constructive criticism because there is nowhere to start from... but I like to do it when I can. And yeah, I listened to get the melody to be sure that my changes would work, and I figured you might not want to re-record. I think the ideas behind the edits are the most important thing though and I'm glad you like them :)

Thanks again AlexWithaC. I made some slight changes. I'll see how they sit with me. I always find myself revisiting old pieces and tweaking them. I'm never fully satisfied.

[JackyKerouacy<3]

I really like this so much. The kids are muffed up but their alright. It's kind of morbid but almost funny in a quirky way. It reminds me of Alkaline Trio's kind of message when they first started out "We're messed up but we can still smile about it." Unless of course you don't like Alk 3 in which case forget I said anything haha.

[thecurerocks182]

Originally Posted by JackyKerouacy<3

I really like this so much. The kids are muffed up but their alright. It's kind of morbid but almost funny in a quirky way. It reminds me of Alkaline Trio's kind of message when they first started out "We're messed up but we can still smile about it." Unless of course you don't like Alk 3 in which case forget I said anything haha.

Thanks a lot again for reading. I enjoy you interpretation of the lyrics. It's always interesting to hear/read what others take from it all. In terms of alkaline trio, I grew up listening to them, so it's quite a compliment for me. I've always enjoyed Matt Skiba's morbid sense of lyrical themes. Hope sometime you get a chance to listen to the song. Once again, thanks a lot!

[JackyKerouacy<3]

Schweet! I love Alkaline Trio so much both old and new. And I would love to hear it sometime.