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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 9/10

Posted by: Drew Beringer (09/10/12)
After a week off, Dr. Keith Buckley (Every Time I Die) is back to give you the safest diagnosis possible. This column contains stand-up comedy, how Keith stays healthy, and sweet, sweet love between a banana and donut hole. As always, these are real questions from real AP.net users, if you want the doctor to answer your questions, shoot him an email here.
      
 
Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 30
10:20 AM on 09/10/12
#2
Drew Beringer
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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 9/10Dear Dr. Keith,
I have heard that you are quite into stand up comedy? As an aspiring comedian and ETID fan, I was interested in who some of your favorite comedians might be?

I’m intrigued by stand up comedians for numerous reasons. Surely a lot of it has to do with the idea of performing and being able to successfully entertain people with an act that you have crafted from nothingness by yourself and yourself alone but mostly its because the level of awareness possessed by the comedians I’ve admired the most is so thorough and intense that it actually makes them the most miserable of people. Andy Kaufman, Patton Oswalt, Bill Burr, Louis C.K, and Mitch Hedberg to name a few. I think that dichotomy is extremely interesting and I wonder what its like to love in a world where the things you see and understand and relate to are things that the population finds laughable. I’m curious as to what the world looks like to someone so observant. I wonder if they’re ever able to exist without observing. Do they only realize that something was funny after it has happened or do they live for the act they’ll eventually write? I’ve met a few comedians and they always say they wish they were musicians. Maybe their sense of self is a curse. Seems like it could be worse. Unless you were Mitch Hedberg. Then no, it cannot get much worse.

Dr. Keith,
I recently just confessed to a girl that we should be in a relationship by using a metaphor. The response was pretty dry, actually non-existent. Should I man up and just tell her or let it slide knowing I missed what might be an embarrassment?

Was the “metaphor” you taking a banana and putting it through a donut hole? If so, I say you go back and take another shot at it. maybe this time take a wet hot dog and move it back and forth over 2 balloons.

Dr. Keith,
My question is, I have provided you a couple of times with cigarettes when you've been in Cleveland, are you a regular smoker? How the fuck do you not cough when you sing and scream? You have an amazing voice, but have you noticed your signing voice change at all because of smoking?

Stop enabling me! just kidding, thanks for the smokes bro. I don’t have a reason as to why my voice doesn’t seem to be affected by cigarettes but then again, whose to say that in a parallel universe where I don’t smoke I’m actually the white Aaron Neville? It definitely helps to stay hydrated. That’s what I hear anyways, I don’t stay hydrated. Beer has some water in it, right? Truth is I only smoke when I drink. The unfortunate thing is that I’m almost always drinking. Sometimes I wont drink just because I don’t feel like smoking. You could say I’m a bit of a health nut in that sense.

Dear Dr. Buckley,
Just curious, but what made you decide, and what drove you to commit fully to your music?

I would have to say that I can attribute that decision to my insatiable hatred for a select group of people when I was young. I just wanted to do something that would make them super jealous. So, for the next 10 years I slept on floors and ate food I stole from weak children in order to scream my head off in front of 14 people and make just enough money to put gas in the tank to get us to the next nightmarish excuse for a “show”. BUT LOOK AT ME NOW 10TH GRADE VOLLEYBALL TEAM!!! Oh wait, you cant look at me now because you’re too busy staring into the eyes of your beautiful children as you tow them around your inground pool in an affluent suburb? That’s cool. I have an xbox 360, so, no big deal.

Dear Dr. Keith
Today I came to the realization that I have father issues. My dad left our family when I was seven years old and I only got to try and build a new relationship with him shortly before he died of lung cancer when I was 17. For as long as I can remember, I've always tried to get approval from men I look up to who are considerably older than me. My question is: Don't you think it's totally awesome that I came to that conclusion all by myself?

That’s the kinda case I like! One where I don’t have to do a thing but nod. The fact that my work here is done means I can go back to this episode of Ancient Aliens. The Puma Punku H blocks were totally door hinges you guys. Lets be serious.

Hi There,
I work for Marketing Agency & we are looking to buy advertising space on
your website. appreciate if you can forward me your marketing manager
contact details & best time to reach him/her.

Sure! His name is Drew Beringer. I emailed you his work and cell phone numbers. I’m sure he would be excited to hear from you anytime day or night. “Marketing Agency” sounds pretty legit. A catchy name that doesn’t fuck around. I respect that.
Sincerely,
There
10:28 AM on 09/10/12
#3
buddah knome
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great.
10:40 AM on 09/10/12
#4
incognitojones
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solid stand-up list.
10:47 AM on 09/10/12
#5
evanmeindl
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I lol'd so hard at the second answer
11:03 AM on 09/10/12
#6
surette
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man, I loved Mitch Hedberg.
11:08 AM on 09/10/12
#7
suicidalmoose
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really funny, once again
11:17 AM on 09/10/12
#8
SuNDaYSTaR
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Quote:
Was the “metaphor” you taking a banana and putting it through a donut hole? If so, I say you go back and take another shot at it. maybe this time take a wet hot dog and move it back and forth over 2 balloons.
Holy crap haha.
11:20 AM on 09/10/12
#9
Holly HoX!
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Mitch was the man. MN reppin.
11:31 AM on 09/10/12
TheRealJohnOC
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That would be incredible if Drew got spammed because of Mr. Keith!
11:43 AM on 09/10/12
Born_For_This
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I would have to say that I can attribute that decision to my insatiable hatred for a select group of people when I was young. I just wanted to do something that would make them super jealous. So, for the next 10 years I slept on floors and ate food I stole from weak children in order to scream my head off in front of 14 people and make just enough money to put gas in the tank to get us to the next nightmarish excuse for a “show”. BUT LOOK AT ME NOW 10TH GRADE VOLLEYBALL TEAM!!! Oh wait, you cant look at me now because you’re too busy staring into the eyes of your beautiful children as you tow them around your inground pool in an affluent suburb? That’s cool. I have an xbox 360, so, no big deal.


The best thing he has written so far.
11:59 AM on 09/10/12
Kyle Thrash
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These are amazing and hope they never stop.

Does anyone know the reason the ETID pudcasts stopped? I was addicted to those
01:04 PM on 09/10/12
skibby15
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"I have an xbox 360, so, no big deal."

the best
01:20 PM on 09/10/12
HeavenResign
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Quote:
Truth is I only smoke when I drink. The unfortunate thing is that I’m almost always drinking. Sometimes I wont drink just because I don’t feel like smoking. You could say I’m a bit of a health nut in that sense.

Perfect.
02:48 PM on 09/10/12
whiterussian
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Always aluminum stuff.
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